The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse

by Mumfrey, W. H.

  It is important that you don't grab the first thing in front of you without thinking. You must make your selection with some degree of care and planning. The weapon of opportunity you choose must match the intended use and your level of ability; otherwise, it becomes more of a liability than an asset. Don't grab a chainsaw if you're about to head for the hills on foot and can't carry extra fuel. Lightweight, versatile weapons are best. An ax, for example, can be put to a multitude of uses, not just cleaving alien skulls in two. Be careful not to overlook seemingly insignificant items. Slip a few nails and a coil of wire into your pocket; you never know when you may need them. Also, grab a pair of safety glasses if you have them. They will help to keep body fluids from spraying into your eyes and impeding your vision as you disembowel your alien foe with your trusty hedge trimmers.

  Raiding the Pantry

  More accidents happen in the kitchen than in any other room of the house. That being the case, the kitchen also presents you with a wealth of potential weapons to ward off an alien attack. Apart from the obvious supply of knives, open a few cupboards and take a look inside; you may be surprised at what you find. Tea towels, oven mitts, or plastic wrap could be used for smothering or choking an alien intruder. A handful of salt or a squirt of dishwashing liquid could temporarily impair an alien's vision, at least long enough for you to bludgeon it to death with your coffee machine. Hurling pots of hot oil or boiling water over an enemy have been a favorite since medieval times and would, no doubt, be as equally effective against aliens. An alien's head could easily be smashed in with a cooking pot or electric waffle maker. Imagine the damage that could be inflicted with skewers, a handheld electric blender, or that toxic green substance at the back of the fridge that you've refused to even look at for the past six months. The possibilities are endless.

  IMPROVISED WEAPONS: A BRIEF GUIDE

  Take a few moments to walk through your home or office, room by room. Look around you. Try and visualize how the everyday objects you see could be used in a combat situation. This simple preparatory activity will prove to be a valuable timesaver when faced with the mayhem of an alien-encounter situation.

  WEAPON: FIGHTING STICK

  EXAMPLES: fence pale, umbrella, pool cue, fire poker, tree branch, garden rake

  DIRECTIONS: Long, narrow weapons suitable for combat can be found practically everywhere. Improvised fighting sticks are a particularly versatile weapon and can be used for stabbing, prodding, hitting, and poking. They also have the added advantage of putting distance, albeit minimal, between you and your adversary. It doesn't take much of a wallop to snap those fragile alien bones or skewer one of those large gelatinous eyeballs.

  WEAPON: KNIFE

  EXAMPLES: scissors, broken bottle, garden shears, nail file, razor blade

  DIRECTIONS: Anything with a pointed end or sharp edge can be used as an improvised knife. Stab, cut, or slash your alien assailant until it is either incapacitated or dead, then make your escape. Target your attack on soft-tissue areas, such as the throat, groin, or eyes. Take caution with sharp implements, as they can cause you as much injury as they do your enemy.

  WEAPON: BLUDGEON

  EXAMPLES: vase, electric blender, printer, paving stone, garden gnome

  DIRECTIONS: Blunt impact weapons are found in a wide variety of forms in almost any environment. To assess whether an item is suitable or not, ask yourself, “Would that hurt if I were struck over the head with it?” If the answer is yes, then wield it with confidence and vigor.

  WEAPON: MISSILE

  EXAMPLES: rock, DVD player, kitchen cutlery, hand tool, book

  DIRECTIONS: Basically, anything not nailed down can be used as a missile. With small items, it is best to focus on volume rather than accuracy. Throw ten pool balls in a swift volley, and at least one is bound to strike home. Heavy items, such as televisions and bar fridges, can be dropped on unsuspecting aliens from above (e.g., off a second-story balcony or out a window).

  WEAPON: GARROTE

  EXAMPLES: extension cord, scarf, garden hose, cell phone charger, bath towel

  DIRECTIONS: Many rope-like weapons can be found around the average home or office. It need only be relatively thin, flexible, and at least 2 feet in length. Even the common bath towel can serve as a formidable weapon when wielded by trained hands. This multifunctional tool allows you to not only strangle an alien assailant, but also suffocate it if need be. If all else fails, give the towel a few quick twists, and unleash a volley of sharp flicks upon your enemy; we all know how much they can hurt. If nothing else, the alien will be so surprised by this strategy that it will give you a few moments to come up with another plan. Caution should be taken when using small-gauge cords — such as fishing line, electrical wire, or string — as these can result in significant personal injuries.

  WEAPON: CHEMICAL

  EXAMPLES: cleaning agent, aftershave, petrol, laundry detergent, hot liquid

  DIRECTIONS: The modern home is awash with industrial-strength chemicals that have the potential to seriously reduce an alien's enthusiasm for abducting you. Look under your kitchen or bathroom sink, in your laundry cabinet, or on the garage shelf to see what I mean. The skull-and-crossbones symbol is usually a dead giveaway. Aerosol cans can have a similar effect as Mace when used at short range. Remember to aim directly for those two big bug eyes. Once blinded, an alien is easily finished off. A steaming hot cup of coffee or leek and potato soup can ruin an alien's day with little effort. Flammable liquids can be used to make Molotov cocktails or for lighting a protective ring of fire around your home. Remember, having your iPod on full volume will block not only alien electroparalysis, but also the disagreeable screams of an alien burning to death. An alien death cry, described by some as not unlike a squealing pig, is something that can haunt the more sensitive souls for the rest of their lives.

  Pilfering From the Office

  At first glance, there may not seem to be an armory of weapons at your disposal around the standard office, but look again. The trained eye will spot many mundane and seemingly innocuous items that, when wielded with skill and enthusiasm, can render lethal results. Fax and computer cables can be used to strangle an unsuspecting alien. Desktop telephones make ideal bludgeons. Scissors, letter openers, and receipt spikes all become deadly weapons in the right hands. The adept use of a stapler can render an alien opponent incapacitated within moments. Even a common ballpoint pen can prove a mighty implement of death when attacking vital target zones.

  Embracing Vehicular Homicide

  Never underestimate the potential of the family car as a weapon of mass destruction. The car reigns supreme as an instrument of carnage in our society, with tens of thousands falling each year before this insatiable killing machine. Three thousand pounds of steel, polymer, and glass can leave quite an indelible impression on the frail body of your alien adversary. But before you put your car into gear and start rolling the steel radials over your first alien speed bump, there are a few things you need to consider. Due caution should always be taken behind the wheel of any motor vehicle. Do not let your enthusiasm for the kill cloud your judgment and threaten your own safety or the safety of other road users. Obey the road rules at all times.

  Some may think that running over an alien is the end of the story, but even direct hits are no guarantee of a clean kill. It may be necessary to drive over the body a second or even a third time to finish it off. Driving over an alien's head on a hard surface almost always guarantees a quick kill. These bull's-eyes can generally be distinguished by a loud popping sound beneath the tires.

  If a body does not roll out from under the back of your car, stop and carefully check the undercarriage and grill. Body parts can easily get caught up in the undercarriage and will need to be disentangled. Dislodge lumps of alien flesh and gristle from under the car with a stick, and hose off any entrails when you get home. Be thorough; aliens have an uncanny way of tracking missing body parts.

  Be wary of alien roadkill. It may be a tr
ap. Aliens have been known to feign death by the roadside and then pounce on hapless do-gooders when they stop to render assistance. Watch for carrion pulling off bits of loose flesh or, if you are still unsure, drive over the body once or twice and see what happens. Fresh alien roadkill can be eaten, if you don't mind a gamey taste. During World War II, two Royal Air Force pilots were forced to live off alien flesh for a week when their Lancaster bomber was downed in the French Alps after colliding with a UFO. They described it as being very similar in taste and texture to wild boar and “not altogether unpalatable.”

  FIGURE 4.7: Drive over the body a second time.

  THE AFTERMATH: LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS AND BEHAVIORAL GUIDELINES

  The cold light of reality eventually dawns on us all. If they clap you in handcuffs as you stand amidst a steaming pile of alien corpses, what are your rights? Killing an extraterrestrial is relatively easy. Escaping from the legal aftermath could be your greatest challenge.

  However, this may not be as big of a problem as it first appears. There are no national or international laws that govern the treatment of extraterrestrials. So, even if you are caught with a smoking gun, you cannot be charged with killing a creature that, in the eyes of the law, does not exist. Such cases would never get to court. The worst that could possibly happen is a night in a cell, before the federal authorities or special-ops units come in to tidy up the mess made by local law-enforcement officers. The last thing the government wants to do is acknowledge the existence of aliens, for by so doing, they also acknowledge their complicity in the global cover-up. Your case will be quickly and professionally hushed up. Evidence will disappear, witnesses will vanish, official records will be tampered with or removed completely. The official response will be to sweep it under the carpet of public disbelief. Who are people most likely to believe: you, or a host of professionals with letters after their names and spin-doctored scripts?

  Even though the chances of prosecution are quite remote, it is prudent to take steps to minimize your implication in any unsavory events. As decision-making can be clouded by heated emotions and general confusion in the aftermath of an alien incident, it is best to have a contingency plan in place. But what's even more important than having a plan is sticking to it when things go crazy.

  Your first step must be to put as much distance between yourself and the scene as quickly as possible. Once in a secure location, check yourself for injuries that could be signs of alien implants. Above all else, continue with your daily routine. Although you may have just had the most amazing experience of your life, you must resist the temptation to tell everyone you meet about your alien exploits. Word travels fast when it comes to intergalactic hijinks. Loose lips sink ships. You have enough to worry about with the possibility of alien reprisals without having the Men in Black knocking on your door in the middle of the night. Unless you start making a big song and dance about your experience, the authorities will have little reason to do anything apart from monitor your movements over the next forty-eight hours, in case of any alien payback. So lie low, and maintain a watchful eye for anything out of the ordinary.

  Those with SUVs or other four-wheel-drive automobiles have an opportunity to follow their prey off-road. Bull bars are recommended if you wish to avoid damage to the front end of your vehicle. When driving at night, watch out for the distinctive oval-shaped eyes in your high beams. They are highly reflective and are easily distinguished from other nocturnal animals not only by their shape, but also by their brilliant fluorescent green color.

  Do not limit yourself to conventional vehicles; think outside the box. Snowplows, garbage trucks, or combines are all equally effective at flattening an alien. Remember, if you can drive it, you can run over an alien with it.

  ALIEN COUNTERATTACK STRATEGIES

  Aliens are not totally defenseless. They may not use the heat rays and death machines of science fiction, but they have, when push comes to shove, employed a number of effective defense strategies. This is not to suggest that they are not capable of using advanced weapons against us. Just because they haven't done so to date does not mean they never will. However, it is important to begin with the facts as they are currently known before dealing with any hypothetical situations. For it is by being aware of the full range of an alien's possible responses that we shall be prepared for any eventuality.

  SWARMING

  Swarming is a term used to describe being engulfed by a seething mass of alien adversaries. Apart from being a very unsettling experience, it has proved fatal in a number of encounters. In this alien form of “stacks on the mill,” you are overpowered by the sheer mass of bodies. Fending off two or three aliens is eminently feasible, but holding back a tide of thirty or forty is well nigh impossible. If you don't die of asphyxiation, you can literally be pulled limb from limb. Luckily, this form of counterattack is relatively rare, as most alien scouting parties consist of only three or four individuals, but it does happen. If unarmed, the best course of action is to run like hell.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  HERDING

  Like Plains Indians herding buffalo into a ravine, aliens can utilize local geographic features to their strategic advantage. In this variation of swarming, you can be swept along by a living alien tsunami toward a precipice, cliff face, or wall — or any sharpened projections, such as tree branches or rusted agricultural machinery — then cast un-ceremoniously to your doom.

  This form of attack presents some serious problems for the unarmed combatant. Struggling against the forces of physics is futile. Dropping to the ground will only result in either you being stampeded to death or the aliens changing their tactic to a swarming maneuver.

  Despite its reputation as an end-game tactic, the “conveyor belt of death,” as it has been called by some, is known to have been defeated on at least one occasion. In this instance, a Dutch tourist on the island of Viti Levu, Fiji, escaped a stampeding mob of aliens by clawing his way to the top of the alien throng and scrambling across their heads, like a rock star in a mosh pit, and then making a frantic dash through a banana plantation to safety.

  HIT AND RUN

  As the title implies, this counterattack measure involves aliens swiftly running from cover, striking you, and dashing off again before you know what's hit you. The aim seems to be an attempt to disorient you and increase the chances of you falling and injuring yourself, providing them with an opportunity to pounce. This strategy is usually used when there are two to five aliens in an attack. One will keep you distracted while the others swoop in for the strike. Stay low, watch your back, and head for cover as quickly as you can.

  EYE GOUGE

  When it comes to individual hand-to-hand combat, aliens are at a distinct disadvantage. Physically weaker than us, they must rely on damaging our most vulnerable soft-tissue areas to inflict any substantial injury. Our eyes are a prime target for attack. Gouging or tearing the eyes with fingers or other instruments can result in permanent eye injury and visual impairment. If you anticipate a clash with extraterrestrials, protective eyewear is highly recommended.

  TESTICLE SQUEEZE

  Another obvious target for alien attack is the genitalia. Aliens have a wealth of experience with human genitals and are fully aware of their vulnerability. An alien attack on your groin is not a pretty sight. It is considered by most as the coup de grâce of counterattacks and may involve hitting, punching, squeezing, kicking, grappling, stomping, biting, or using handheld weapons. These attacks can cause immense pain and instant debilitation, effectively putting you at their mercy. Your groin must be protected at all costs; the future of humanity may depend on it.

  NIPPLE TWIST

  Females are not immune to gender-specific alien assaults. There have been a number of recorded incidents, most recently during the late 1990s, of aliens making strategic strikes on females' nipples. These mammary lunges all occurred in situations in which aliens have had their metaphorical backs to the wall. Although their intentions were at fir
st misconstrued by some, a pattern soon emerged that warrants taking adequate precautions. Firm sports bras are recommended in combat situations, particularly in cold weather.

  HANDHELD WEAPONS

  Although uncommon, aliens have been known to utilize field-expedient weapons during combat, such as sticks, rocks, and unsecured gardening equipment. They do, however, seem to have an aversion to wielding handheld weapons and will do so only as a last resort. Their handling skills are generally clumsy, and any injuries they do inflict are often the result of luck rather than good technique. Mishandled weapons have, on occasion, resulted in some rather nasty self-inflicted injuries. Aliens wielding weapons of convenience are generally more of a threat to themselves than they are to you. Most demonstrations of alien bravado with weapons are nothing more than sheer bluff. When confronted with an alien brandishing a lamp stand or golf club, take whatever measures you deem necessary to disarm them, literally.

  WE WILL PREVAIL

  Deprived of their powers of paralysis, aliens have a lot to worry about. With their historical advantage eliminated, humanity has the opportunity to show them what we are truly made of. We haven't clawed our way to the top of the evolutionary tree only to be usurped by some officious, gray-assed beings from outer space. Being the dominant species on the planet is not a position that should be taken lightly. If we are to maintain our status, we must take the gloves off from time to time and get our hands dirty. The secret to launching a successful attack against our alien foes is to dispense with any preconceived notions of civility or fair play. Hit first and hit hard. There are no holds barred in interstellar conflict. So, bring it on, baby. Let's rock.