by C. A. Harms
More often than not, I was waking up throughout the night with dreams of the accident. The ones where Blake was begging me to help him were the worst. Seeing him reach out for me as he coughed blood and gasped for air caused me to wake up screaming. Once I was able to calm my breathing, I would fall into an uncontrollable sob that seemed to last for hours.
The loss of Blake was tearing me apart. I didn’t know how to come back from this. How did you carry on when you felt so vacant and destroyed? When you felt like half your soul was missing?
***
Fourth of July weekend came quickly. I knew that only meant it was time for me to once again climb out of my shell and make an appearance to those who pitied me.
Maria insisted I take part in the festivities. She was in charge of the food. She was making a big impression in town with her fancy cooking skills. It was her newfound hobby, and she was good at it. This was her chance to gather the praise she deserved. She was able to try out some new items and get some real feedback. Oh, how the cowboys loved every little bit. I knew her appearance only made it a little better on their behalf. They got to ogle her and devour her food.
I stood under the tent, placing out the new filled dishes after the current ones were emptied. I heard someone clear their throat, and I looked up, connecting immediately with a man who could still make my knees feel weak. The thought of that only spiked my temper, and I wanted to lash out.
“You gonna act like you hate me forever, Kori? Or are we gonna move past the fact I was a dumb kid who made an even dumber mistake?” He stared at me directly in the eyes, waiting for my response.
I narrowed my eyes and glared. “I think I’ll just stick to hating you forever.”
I heard him chuckle as I continued to busy myself with refilling the food that was running low.
“You don’t hate me, Kori, not like you say you do.”
What in the hell did he know? He had no idea how I felt. I leaned forward, bracing myself against the table with both hands. I could see the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Cocky, arrogant son of a bitch thought he had me in the palm of his hand.
“I can promise you one thing, Reed.” I paused to look up over his shoulder. Connecting my vision with none other than the girl he felt was worth throwing away everything we had, all those years ago. “If the last eight months have taught me anything, it would be that life is short. I don’t plan on wasting a moment of my time on those who don’t deserve it.” His smile fell as I continued. “You, Reed, took what we had and threw it away, for a quick roll in the hay with the town slut. That was the moment I started hating you.”
I pushed up off the table, causing a few of the dishes to rattle with the force.
I spun around and walked away, leaving him staring after me in what I assumed was regret.
***
“So what was that all about?” Maria nudged me from behind. I looked over my shoulder at Reed. His back was to us as he sipped casually on a beer. I watched as he stared out over the crowd of people claiming their spot for the fireworks show.
“It was nothing.”
She laughed. “Yeah, it looked like a whole lot of something, but definitely not nothing.” I rolled my eyes at her as I continued to watch Reed. He looked lonely and sad, staring out into a crowded space. I watched as he twisted his bottle around in his hands, looking down at the ground in front of him. “You feeling kinda bitchy?”
I twisted around to face Maria. “Why the hell would I feel bad? He deserves my bitchiness.”
She leaned back against the table, taking a moment to think, before she spoke. “Okay, Kori, you know I love you, girl. I mean, I freaking love you to pieces, but…” she faded off.
“But what?”
“The guy isn’t who he used to be. Reed’s changed, and he isn’t the same cocky prick he once was. His life hasn’t been easy since high school. The guy knows he screwed up with you. I know he regrets it every day. You have to remember something.” She paused taking in a slow, steady breath. “Before you two were a couple, you were friends. Really great friends. He used to be someone you could lean on, count on. He was always there for both of us growing up. He has a good heart. You know deep down I’m right.”
I let my eyes wander back over just in time to see Reed walking away. My stomach dropped suddenly with the thought of him leaving.
“Just try not to be so quick to push away those who care. I’m not saying you gotta fall in love all over again, but we can all use friends.” The tears formed in my eyes. Was I being too hard on him? It was such a long time ago and we were young.
***
Later, after everyone had settled to watch the fireworks, I quickly found my spot with Maria next to my parents. I took Rhett into my arms and snuggled him close. The sun had set, and it was just a matter of time before the show started.
“Mum mum…Mum,” Rhett rambled as he tugged on my necklace. I wrapped his blanket in tighter around him, pretending to nibble on his fingers as he giggled. My eyes filled with tears, looking down into the eyes that matched his daddy’s so perfectly. A tear ran down my cheek, and I quickly swiped it away.
Each day that passed, it became a little easier to deal with Blake being gone. It was really hard when Rhett would reach a milestone. I would find myself feeling guilty once again for being able to witness it. My heart would break all over again with the knowledge that Blake would never know his son. He would never be able to teach him the things a father should.
When the first firework cracked and scattered above us, Rhett jumped, grabbing hold of my shirt tighter. I held my hands over his ears and tilted his head toward the sky. He watched, mesmerized by the flashing colors. His face was the only thing I could watch; it was beautiful the way his eyes lit up. I rested my forehead against the top of his head when my heart could no longer take it. Squeezing my eyes tightly, I concentrated on breathing in his baby scent. Tears began to drift down my cheeks, while I silently expressed to Blake how much I missed him.
I felt a hand gently stoking over my back, and I turned toward the touch. Maria’s eyes were glossy as she attempted a reassuring smile. Her head rested against my shoulder, showing me the support I desperately needed. “You know he’s with you, right? Every day Blake’s here with you, watching over both of you.”
I nodded my head, and I caught movement over Maria’s shoulder. Reed was on a blanket a few groups over with his father. Our eyes connected for a moment, and I couldn’t look away. His face held an expression full of pain and regret. He forced a smile and winked.
I knew I had to let go of the anger he’d caused in me. It was making me a bitter person, and that wasn’t who I wanted to be.
I attempted a small smile in return, as a gesture of truce. I wasn’t making any promises. I couldn’t say there wouldn’t be days when I would want to hit him and yell. The man hurt me so badly when I had trusted him. He took my heart and stomped on it.
I would do everything I could to let go of the past and attempt to be civil. The pettiness of our childhood drama seemed so long ago. Life was so much more than it was then. I really just needed to let it go.
Chapter Eight
The rest of July went quickly, and before I knew it, the approaching school year was about to begin. Getting the call from the elementary school in town was a blessing. I had started to give up hope I would find a position when the phone call came.
The first grade teaching position had come up when the current teacher had to resign. Her husband had been transferred for his job at the last minute, and they were forced to move.
I was now gainfully employed with Brooklet Elementary School. The same school I attended and Rhett will be going to as well. I was nervous, but seriously, how bad could it be? I mean, they were first graders.
It would help that Maria was in the same school with me. She was the art teacher. The thought of spending the day with her so close helped ease the flutters of nervous energy.
What didn’t help was when I
arrived on the first day of school to find Reed standing outside my classroom door. He was leaning against the wall just opposite my room, with his hands shoved deep in his pockets. As I approached, his gaze lifted and met mine. His lips slightly lifted into a gentle smile.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi. What are you doing here?” I looked from side to side, observing the hallways.
“I heard today was your first day in the working world. I just wanted to wish ya luck.” He pointed to the classroom to my desk. The vase of pink roses sitting in the middle of it. I started to tell him that we couldn’t go there, but he held up his hands to stop me. He began backing down the hall toward the front exit. “It’s just a friendly gesture, Kori, nothing more. A friend wishing another friend good luck on her first day at a new job.”
The moment Reed walked out through the front entrance, the hallway began to empty. I took one last deep breath before entering my classroom. Setting my bag on the desk next to the flowers, I let the uneasy feelings go. Biting my lower lip, I pulled the card from the holder, opening it with slight hesitation.
Kori,
These little rug rats are lucky as hell to have a teacher as amazing as you. Keep your head up and flash that gorgeous smile, because it can melt anyone…no matter what age. Good luck on your first day, Giggles.
R
I couldn’t help the warm feeling spreading through me as I read his words. Before things went wrong between us, he always said my smile did him in. No matter what his day had been, once he saw my smile and heard my laugh, everything felt right. He called me Giggles for years, and to have him say it once again, well, it only made it that much harder to remember how he once hurt me. Trusting Reed would not come easy.
I shook my head as the bell rang, and I looked up into the faces of all the curious little friends I had scattered out in front of me. This was it, the start of my future.
***
“Hey, darlin’, how was your first day?” my daddy hollered out from behind the truck as I pulled into the drive. He was chucking bundles of hay to the ground, as Hank, my daddy’s long-time friend and farmhand, carried them off toward the barn.
“It was good, actually. Much better than I thought it would be. I think I’m gonna love it. Where’s Momma and Rhett?”
He pointed toward the porch, and I looked up to find them swaying gently on the wooden swing. I stood for a moment observing them snuggling, as she held a book out in front of him.
Rhett began getting excited once I came into view. He reached out for me, his face filling with his daddy’s smile. This little man was gonna be the death of me when he got old enough to date. I could hear it now, all the little girls were going to turn to putty with that killer grin. Blake had the most amazing smile. The smile I could never tire of. It didn’t matter how mad I was pretending to be, I caved every time he flashed that dimple.
“Why you all smiles? It looks good on ya though, sweetie. I’m just wondering what brought it on?”
“I was just thinking about Blake, and how Rhett looks just like him when he smiles. I’m gonna be in trouble when he gets older.”
I looked up at my momma, seeing that she was watching me carefully. “It’s getting easier to talk about him. Easy to remember things without breaking down. I miss him, Momma, every day. I know those feelings will never go away. I just don’t wanna forget him. I want Rhett to know all about his daddy.” I took a deep breath. “I just wish I had more of his life to share with Rhett. The only thing I have is the almost year we had together. I never thought about how I would carry on his memory after he was gone…who would have planned for that?”
She pulled me down onto the bench next to her and placed her arm over my shoulder, the three us rocking together. “You’re doing amazing with him. I know things are hard for you. I also know you will do everything you can to make sure Rhett knows who his daddy was. That is all you can do, baby girl.”
We sat in silence for a long time, watching as Rhett tugged on the pages in his rubberized books, laughing and squealing in excitement.
Things were gonna be okay. I knew I would still have hard days and hard times. But I now believed I could get through it one day at time. I had made it this far. Of course it wasn’t without struggle, but I got here.
Chapter Nine
“Your first week as a teacher, and no one cried, that’s an accomplishment. I mean, hell, I had three of them cry on me, and I teach third grade.” I laughed as Maria went on and on. “Honestly, am I mean? I gotta be a bitch if I made three kids cry in the first week. I teach art, for shit’s sake, and they cried.”
I covered my mouth to hide my laughter as she threw her hands up in the air. “You are a bitch, I could have told ya that. You made me cry the first day I met you.”
“Whatever, hooker, you tried to take my cookies.” She looked at me over the top of my car hood as we reached for the doors to leave for the week. “Nobody messes with my chocolate chip cookies, I don’t give a shit who they are. I don’t share those bitches with anyone.”
“I was five, and you pushed me backwards out of my chair. I fell and hit my head.” I started the car and turned to look at her. “All you did was sit there at the table and shovel the damn things in your mouth, like you were starving. You didn’t even check to see if I was okay.”
“I. Don’t. Share.” She attempted to be serious, but it was useless. Once our eyes connected, she lost it. Hunching over, she held her stomach tightly. Every breath she snorted only led to further laughter from both of us.
After she was finally able to hold herself together and refrain from sounding like a pig having an asthma attack, we began to plan our weekend.
“Okay, so I bumped into Ben and Reed last night.” I continued to stare forward as I drove toward her place. I was hoping she didn’t notice my face flush at the mention of Reed. “They’re having a get together tomorrow at Ben’s place. He bought the Thompson’s old farm, and he has all that land now.”
She was stalling, and I knew it. I remained silent waiting for her to continue.
“They invited us both. A whole mess of people will be coming. Old friends, people you may like to reconnect with. What do you think?”
I took a deep breath, running the entire scenario through my head over and over. After a moment of silence I shocked us both. “Sure, why not, let’s go have some fun. Meet up with old friends and make new ones.”
***
Saturday afternoon came way too fast. I went through all the stages of pre-party jitters. I would be taking Rhett with me until my parents came back to town after the auction. They agreed to swing by Ben’s place and pick him up.
I had gone through his bag at least half a dozen times, packing and unpacking. I could pack this damn thing on my worst day, with a blindfold, and not have a problem. Today was an entirely different situation. I knew this party would hold everyone from my past. I would see old faces, hear old stories, and laugh at old jokes. But my heart ached so heavily.
My dream was to convince Blake to move back here after I graduated. I wanted us to start a life here, raise our family. I never imagined I would be doing it alone.
I met Maria at the entrance to the farm. It still held the old sign staked above on the wooden arch. Fresh Apples. I remembered walking through this very farm picking apples with my momma when I was younger. Now it was owned by an old friend. I made a promise to myself to bring Rhett here when he was old enough to pick apples.
I spotted Maria’s Jeep parked along the edge of the road. She was waving her arm out the open window, acting all crazy. She motioned for me to follow along behind her as she began driving up the long gravel road.
The cars and big old trucks were lining the field, stacked two deep, with people sprawled out over every inch of the property. All the old country traditions surrounded me as I slowly took it all in. A game of horseshoes was going on to the left of me. Coolers overflowing with beer. Bundles of hay scattered around, being used as seating for all th
e guests.
There had to be at least six grills cooking every kind of meat possible, and a pig roasting just to the side of the barn. Table after table of dishes filled with anything you could imagine. It was a little overwhelming at first.
Maria met me at the side of my Escape and took Rhett from me. “Hand over the best looking man here. Right here,” she said and pointed toward Rhett. “This little cowboy, he’s my date.”
I rolled my eyes, following behind her as she walked off toward the crowd. We had both grabbed a beer from the nearest cooler and began making our way around the yard.
“Oh hell, is that you, Kori?” I heard a familiar sweet voice. One I hadn’t heard since my junior year. I twisted around quickly to find Leann Mitchell, a friend and fellow classmate from my high school years. She wrapped her arms around me as we exchanged a friendly hug.
“Yeah, it’s me. How are you? I thought you moved to Houston?” I asked her as I stepped back to get a good look at her.
“I moved back last year, and well,” she pointed down to her protruding stomach. I hadn’t even noticed that she was obviously pregnant.
“Oh wow, congratulations, how far are you?”
Before she could answer, Ben walked up from behind and wrapped his arms around her waist, snuggling the side of her neck. “We got a little over four more months before we meet our little lady.” I smiled looking at the two of them together. I felt a small ache deep within my chest. I missed the feeling of being in Blake’s arms. I used to love when he held me like that.