by L. M. Heidle
Lucas moved so he was chest to chest with Trayton. “She sure as hell isn’t going with you.”
I stepped around Trayton’s back and waved. “Guys? Said person is right here and can make her own decisions.”
Trayton said, “Not now, angel.”
At the same time, Lucas said, “Stay out of this Alexandria.”
“Excuse the hell outta me?” When I got no response, I grabbed one of my bags and started wheeling it toward the exit, or what I thought was the direction of the exit. I had no idea where I was going, but I wasn’t going to hang around for their measuring contest. I’d walk home if I had to.
Two wrong turns later I finally walked out the front door to see a line twenty deep waiting for a cab. I sighed, of course, nothing would go right today. I walked to the end of the line, resigned that this day was going to continue to suck.
I pulled out my phone to pass the time when I felt him, or well them. There was no mistaking the angry wall behind me which I chose to ignore as I checked Facebook.
Trayton grabbed my right arm. “Let’s go, Alex.”
Lucas grabbed my left. “I’m parked this way.”
I glared at the offending hands on me before I moved my gaze up. “Get. Your. Hands. Off. Of. Me. I’m not a damn toy.” They both hesitantly dropped their hands. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m waiting for a cab.” I internally groaned because the line hadn’t moved an inch.
“Lex, don’t be stupid.” I faced him with my hands on my hips. “Sorry,” he muttered. “My car is in the parking lot, let me give you a ride. It’ll give you an opportunity to yell at me.”
I liked that idea, a lot. “Deal.”
“Angel.”
I put my hand up to stop him. “I understand that there’s a lot to be discussed, but you both can stop with the alpha male routine. I’m a grown woman, and I will NOT be told what to do. Tray, I’m going with Lucas, and no you can’t come. Lucas, let’s go because I’d prefer not to yell at you in front of all these people.”
As soon as we got into the car, I laid into Lucas. “Lucas Anthony Hernandez. What do you have to say for yourself?”
He put his Thunderbird in drive while he spoke, “I love you.” If he thought that’d smooth things over, he was completely wrong.
“Lucas.”
He shifted in the driver’s seat as he sped up. “I didn’t want you going anywhere with him.” He said him with so much disgust I’m surprised he didn’t choke on it.
“We aren’t talking about him.”
“The hell we aren’t,” he said as he floored the car. Lucas was a bad driver normally, but when he was mad he was scary bad.
I grabbed the door handle as he swerved around a car. “Would you slow down?” His answer? He gunned it as he cut in front of a semi to hit our exit. When he finally slowed down and I could breathe again, I continued. “I get it you don’t like him, but this is about us. Why didn’t you tell me?”
He slapped the steering wheel with his hand making me jump. “We’ve already talked about this.”
“We’ll talk about it until I’m satisfied, so answer the damn question.” With a stubborn set to his jaw, he concentrated on driving. He could ignore me all he wanted, but I’d spent too much of my life stepping back. I’d be on his butt daily until we worked through this. I turned sideways in my seat, arms crossed, and eyes narrowed as I prepared to wait him out.
He started tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, then messing with the radio the longer the silence dragged on. Surprisingly he held out until we pulled into the parking lot. He parked and shut the engine off, still avoiding eye contact. His fingers tightened on the stick shift to the point they were white as he whispered, “I didn’t want to disappoint you.” Lucas had always been confident to the point of cockiness, so his tone of insecurity put another fissure in my heart. “We’d always talked about going to college together, but that wasn’t in the cards for me.”
“You don’t know that because you didn’t even try!” I argued.
He ran his hand over his shaved head. “Can’t you accept that what’s done is done?” I didn’t want to, but I had a feeling I didn’t have a choice. “Besides, it seems a bit hypocritical to be arguing about this when you’re dating someone similar to me.”
I rubbed the bridge of my nose as I thought about how to answer that. “Your careers are two completely different things, but that’s not my issue.” I could tell he wanted to argue by the tightening of his eyes and the way he sat up in the seat, but he bit his lip to keep his mouth closed. “My problem is you lied to me, for years.”
“Lex, I’m sorry. I thought it’d be better to not tell you. You were the only pure part of my life left, and I didn’t want to taint you with my new life.”
I slammed my hand down on the armrest. “Don’t give me that crap! You are family, and family loves each other no matter what.” I ran a shaky hand through my hair as I tried to rein in my temper. “You should have talked to me. We could have figured something out. I know my uncle would have let you move in with us.”
He snapped, “I’m not a charity case! It was bad enough having your parents take care of me. Don’t you think I noticed how there always seemed to be clothes that didn’t fit your brother, but your mom said it was too much of a hassle to return them? There was no way I was going to take him up on his offer.”
My mouth dropped. “He asked you?”
He nodded. “At the funerals.”
I punched him in the arm as hard as I could as I angrily shot back, “Pride? All of this is because of your stupid pride?!?!”
He rubbed his arm, and I won’t lie I was a little proud. “Would you stop hitting me?”
“No.” I smacked him again. “Not until I feel better, and I don’t see that happening in the foreseeable future, so get used to it.” My voice cracked as I continued, “My parents loved you like a son, so I know when they died I wasn’t the only one affected. What I don’t understand is how you could pull away at a time when we needed each other. You were just as much my brother as Trip is. When I was finally able to see past the grief, I realized how far we’d drifted, but I always thought we’d get it back.”
I tried to swallow to dislodge the lump in my throat, but it did no good. “That’s not going to happen now is it?” The tears started falling, but I didn’t even attempt to stop them.
He ran a hand down his face. “Alex...it was safer for you, but I couldn’t cut all contact. I still needed you. I’ll always need you.”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare say it was safer. It was easier for you.” He opened his mouth, but I didn’t want to hear whatever excuse he had. “Does Trip know?”
“Yeah, he knows.”
“So you could tell him?” I hated that I’d put him in a position he felt he had to lie to me.
“Yes,” he gritted out. I closed my eyes as a wave of pain washed over me. How could I not have seen this coming? I know I was sixteen, but I knew the neighborhood he lived in.
“You joined at eighteen, but when?” It killed me to ask, but I had to know if I could have done something, anything to stop him.
A pain so sharp it took my breath away hit as he answered. “A couple of weeks after the funerals,” he whispered. The pain was so great it left me breathless as it set in that I could have stopped him. A horn blared in the distance, but all I could concentrate on was the pain vibrating through my body.
“I really hate that guy.” My head snapped around to see Trayton’s SUV. “He’s not good for you.”
“Stop!” I snapped. “You lost the right to have a say in my life when you didn’t let me have a say in yours.” He sucked in a breath. I knew it was low, but I was hurt. “You made the biggest decision of your life and you never once mentioned it to me. In fact, you lied to me repeatedly.” I got out of his car with tears still streaming down my face.
He jumped out of the driver’s seat and rounded the car. “Lex, please don’t do this. Talk to me, we can work this out.” I h
eard another door slam. I didn’t have the patience to deal with either of them right now.
Tray brushed past me to shove Luc, shouting, “What did you say to her?”
“Don’t touch me, or I’ll mess up that pretty boy face.”
That. Was. It. I was done dealing with their immaturity. “Both of you shut up! I’ve had a lot thrown at me in the last twenty-four hours, and I’m tired. I’m going to go inside my apartment, and you both are going to your respective vehicles and drive away. Do not call, text, email, or anything tonight because I will not answer. Good night.” I turned on my heel and stalked toward the door. I heard them arguing, but as soon as the lobby door shut, I was greeted by heavenly silence. I barely had my door closed when my phone pinged twice. I rolled my eyes. Is it physically impossible for men to listen?
Trayton: I know you told us to leave you alone, but I didn’t get to say goodnight, and that doesn’t work for me, so sweet dreams, angel.
Lucas: Listen, Lex, I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I may not have made the best choice, but I made the best choice for me. I’m sorry that I’ve let our friendship drift. Just know I thought I was doing the right thing. I need you, Lex, you remind that there’s good in this world. Night.
Damn them, and damn the tears that wouldn’t stop. I turned off my phone and curled around my pillow, crying until I fell asleep.
ALEX
“Trip,” I screamed as I listened to him plead guilty. “Trip, no.”
The judge pounded her gavel. “Order in the court. Young lady, be quiet, or I’ll have you removed.”
“Please, judge, please,” I pleaded. “It was an accident, please. Let me talk to him. Please, he didn’t mean it. Please.” My uncle put his arm around my waist dragging me back to my seat as I prepared to jump the partition between me and my brother.
“Alex, calm down. It won’t help anyone if you get thrown out. You need to be strong for Trip.” And just like that, all the wind left my sails. I nodded and sat down, resting my head on my uncle’s shoulder.
“Counselor, as part of the deal reached with the prosecution your client has to allocute to his crimes.”
My uncle tensed. “Alex, maybe it’s best if you don’t hear this.”
“No. I’m here for Trip. The judge will see that as good, right? That his own family supports him. It’ll help, right?” My uncle frowned but said nothing.
The lawyer shuffled some papers around. “Yes, ma’am, he understands.”
“Alright, Mr. Parker, begin.”
He cleared his throat before beginning. “The day I graduated I went out to celebrate, a lot harder than I planned. I was supposed to be the designated driver that night, but I didn’t think one or two beers would hurt.” He shifted on his feet as tears poured from my eyes. “One or two beers turned into shots. I’d convinced my date to stay at Jerry’s house so I could drink more.” He took a deep shuddering breath. “And we would have except the storms hit and Jessica’s mom demanded she come home. Her brother said he’d come get her, but I’d promised him I was fine.”
I watched as my brother clenched the table to keep him upright as he continued. I made a move to go to him, but my uncle put his hand on mine shaking his head. My heart was broken because of my parents, and whatever was left was shattered as I listened to my brother. Not because of what happened, but the pain and suffering in his voice.
“We were two miles from Jessica’s house when I hydroplaned, hitting the car in front of me.” My strong and bigger than life brother broke down in sobs as he choked out, “My parents’ car.”
When he was done, I watched the judge, and I prayed she’d reverse the six years the prosecution gave him. “Mr. Parker, I’m sorry for the loss of your parents, but I hope something can be learned from this tragedy. Driving drunk has become an epidemic in this country, and part of that is due to leniency in the judicial system. You should be grateful the prosecution only asked for six years with the possibility of parole. I hereby sentence you to six years at Travis State Jail.” Her gavel pounded against the oak bench, and I lost it.
“TRIP, NO!!! TRIP, LOOK AT ME, PLEASE LOOK AT ME!! PLEASE, YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM AWAY. NO! NO! I NEED MY BROTHER. TRIP!”
As the officers led him to the door, he turned for a brief second, long enough to catch my eye and mouth I’m sorry. My knees hit the floor, and I blacked out.
I stared at the prison guard. “What do you mean I’m can’t see him? I’m his sister.”
The corrections officer—obviously annoyed—stated, “You’re on the no visitation list.”
Tears filled my eyes as I watched the officer wave someone around me. My brother refused to see me? How could he do that? We needed each other.
“Miss, I’m going to need you to please step out of line.”
I stared at him as another part of my heart was shredded. “But my brother.”
“Apparently he doesn’t want to see you.” I stumbled back until I fell on a vacant bench. Doesn’t want to see you, doesn’t want to see you played over and over in my head. Each time cutting a little deeper into an already gaping wound.
I don’t know how long I sat there before an older officer said, “Miss, it’s time to leave.”
I shook my head violently. “No, I need to see my brother. He’ll change his mind. I need to see my brother.”
The officer laid a gentle hand on my shoulder and lightly squeezed. “Visiting hours are over.”
I woke with my hands clutching the sheets and my heart pounding so fast and hard it felt like it would break through my chest at any moment. My hair and clothes were plastered to me from sweat, and my throat was on fire from the screaming I was sure I did. I hated that dream worse than the others. It reminded me that my parents didn’t choose to leave me, but my brother did. Physically he had no say, but emotionally that was all him. I threw back the covers and on shaky legs made my way to the bathroom for a cold shower.
After the coldest shower I could stand, I didn’t even attempt to fall back to sleep. I knew from experience nothing could make that happen, not even drugs. Instead, I found myself staring at the Travis State Jail visiting hours on my laptop. I’d realized something in the shower as I tried to scrub away the memories. Hurtful actions or not, he’s still my brother, and I love him. The thing that’s kept me back all these years was the thought that he hadn’t needed me as much as I needed him, but in reality that wasn’t true. He needed me more, but my stubborn brother wouldn’t admit it.
He wasn’t faultless in this situation, but neither was I. A sister is supposed to be there for her brother, and I hadn’t been. I should have been there every visitation day demanding he saw me, and writing him letters daily, but I didn’t. I sat back and waited for him to make the first move.
Well, that stopped today, because I would be there when they opened the door, and he’d see me come hell or high water. That or I’d be arrested for causing a scene, and I was okay with that because it would show him I meant business.
I rushed around my bedroom trying to find something to wear. I hadn’t seen him in four years. Did I dress up? Did I wear jeans? Does the jail have a dress code? After a few deep breaths and a slap to my forehead, I settled on jeans, boots, and my favorite Longhorn t-shirt. My brother wasn’t going to care, and I was too nervous to be in heels. I grabbed a banana on the way out the door, mentally thanking Kass for leaving her car.
I jumped in her car and without looking peeled out of the parking lot onto the street. A few horns blared, but I completely ignored them as I floored it. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy, and I felt like puking, but I also felt peace I hadn’t had in a long time.
Thankfully the streets were empty on a Saturday at 6:30am. Not that it would have mattered because I became a NASCAR driver as soon as I got behind the wheel. I weaved around semis like they were parked. I made the thirty-minute trip in roughly fifteen minutes. On top of the slight road rage, I may have had a lead foot. Surprisingly I didn’t get pulled over.
/> I slowed down when I got there and followed the familiar signs to the visitation parking lot. I’d been in this parking lot so many times I could have driven it with my eyes closed. I put the car in park and exhaled. The peace I’d felt not that long ago disappeared, and nerves took over. What if my uncle and Lucas were wrong? What if he didn’t want to see me? I’m not sure I could take that kind of rejection again.
No. I wouldn’t go there because what he wanted didn’t matter this time. After a few more deep breaths I charged to the entrance. My head spinning and my heart pounding the entire time. I barely remember signing in or them searching me. All I could think was this is it. I’m seeing my brother today.
My heart plummeted when I saw the same guard from four years ago, and the insecurities reared their ugly head again. He was standing there scanning IDs and verifying visitation lists. What if my brother hadn’t changed his list? I desperately looked around for a trash can because I was about to puke.
“Miss?” I jerked my head toward the guard. “Miss, your ID, please.” With shaky hands, I pulled it out of my back pocket. I almost dropped it twice as I tried to give it to him. “Who are you here to see?”
“My brother,” I choked out. He started flipping my ID against his clipboard waiting for me to continue. “My brother, Trip Parker.”
The man paused with my ID in mid-air. “You’re Parker’s sister?” How did he know me? He couldn’t possibly remember me from the one time I’d come inside. “Parker talks about you all the time.” A smile lit my face because my brother talked about me. “Your brother’s a good guy.” He gave my ID back as he brought a radio to his mouth. “Send Parker to room A.”
After a brief static, another man replied, “He got a hot date?”
The guard in front of me blushed as he put the radio back to his lips. “No, sister is here.”
“He’s gonna be real excited about this.”
I was still staring slack-jawed at the guard. “Sorry about that.” He pointed to his left. “Walk down that hall and room A is on your right.”