It’s impossible for me to sleep in on Saturdays. Even without an alarm, my eyes pop open at five-thirty and I’m awake for good. So even though it’s depressing, I find myself getting ready for yet another morning at the beach by myself. I don’t take much, just a few tools to make my castle more elaborate than last week’s tribute to Shreya’s friendship.
It’s probably too cold to be out today, but I brought a warm enough jacket and I can’t be home anymore. It’s starting to feel like a prison. I need to do something besides staring at my Facebook account and taking care of Grandma.
Lovers Point is fairly abandoned, with only a few die-hard runners facing the wind and threatening clouds. I lock my bike and head down the cliff to the empty beach, happy I have my pick of building spots. I choose a place behind a jagged rock, where the wind isn’t so bad, and get to work.
Without Shreya around, I feel no need to plan anything exciting. I just want to make something pretty, something to help me escape for a day. Packing sand in an L shape, I go by instinct. Add towers haphazardly. Place doors and arches wherever I feel. As the morning goes on and the sun begins to beat back the cold, I imagine myself in this odd castle where nothing quite makes sense and it’s wonderful. It doesn’t have to make sense because it’s just for me.
Though it’s not a huge sculpture, I start to hear cameras clicking pictures. But I don’t look up. I’m in my own sandy world, and I never want to leave.
I have no idea what time it is when I hear a familiar voice say, “Why don’t you add a goldfish to the top? That’ll put the final crazy stamp on it.”
I pause, my eyes going wide. When I turn, there Shreya stands, smiling from ear to ear. And then I’m jumping up and hugging her and I think that squealing sound is me, too. “What are you doing here? I thought you were working on restaurant renovations.”
I didn’t think it was possible, but her smile gets even bigger. “I have been, but I needed to tell you something.”
Chapter 48
My eyebrows pop up, though I don’t dare to hope too much. “What?”
She laughs. “Well, Olivia told me about this crazy chick who stormed my parents’ restaurant, cussed them out, and then stole someone’s take-out order. Do you know anything about that?”
I cringe. “I’m never living that down, am I?”
“Nope.” She grabs my arms. “But I wanted to thank you for being that crazy chick, who is still my best friend in the whole wide world.”
“I am?” My heart hurts, thinking about how much I wasn’t there for her this summer.
She nods. “Of course you are! Anyone who can yell at my parents like that for me is a keeper. Not that it helped in the slightest, but it reminded me that there’s no way I can go months without seeing you.”
“What does that mean?” The hope, it’s threatening to kill me.
“It means … ” Shreya looks back, and that’s when I notice a blond woman waving at us. Then I realize it’s Rachelle. She must have driven Shreya here. “I told Pavan I need to keep sculpting on Saturdays, and Rachelle agreed to drive me here every week!”
I scrunch my face, determined not to cry. “I’m so happy right now I don’t know what to do with myself.”
“Me either!” She bounces around in a little circle. “I know it’s not totally the same, but it’s better than nothing, right?”
“Way better than nothing.” Maybe we won’t see each other at school anymore, and I’ll still miss her like crazy during the week. But as long as I can have her on Saturdays, I’ll never complain. “I can catch you up every week.”
She smiles. “Then get to it, because Olivia mentioned you’ve been through some rough stuff, but she said it’d be better if you told me.”
That Olivia. I need to buy her a present. “So, Dylan finally called, and—” I look away, the loss still a constant ache. “Can we sculpt something while I talk? I don’t think I’ll get through it any other way.”
“Of course!”
We pack more sand a short distance from my crazy castle, and I spill it. Every little detail. It only makes me regret everything even more, because now it seems like I obviously overreacted to Dylan going. How I wish I’d just believed he would come back, like I told Clark when I first read his note.
Hindsight sucks.
“It doesn’t have to be over,” Shreya says, trying to sound positive but it doesn’t quite ring true. “He said he’s in love with you. That doesn’t just go away.”
“I know … ” The words are so hard to say out loud, though I’ve thought them over and over for a whole week. “But maybe it should go away. Maybe he should be with someone who deserves him.”
“Mika.” Her hand comes down on mine, and I look at her sincere eyes. “You do deserve him. He made a mistake—you made one, too. That doesn’t mean you have to torture yourself and let him move on!”
That fear wells up again, the one that freezes me in place. “I don’t know, Shrey. You didn’t see how sad he was. Because of me. I can’t do that to him anymore.”
She shakes her head, almost laughing like she can’t believe I’m so dumb. “Then don’t! You know how to make him happy—if he can change, so can you.”
“I’ll think about it.” I go back to the sculpture, which is an anime cat because that’s what Shreya wanted to make. The more I think about asking him to give me another chance, the more my hands shake. If he said no, then it would really be over. There wouldn’t be any hope left to hold on to. I’m not sure I can handle that kind of pain when limbo is already so horrible.
After we finish our little cat, Rachelle takes us out for ice cream and we kidnap Olivia for an afternoon movie at my house. Rachelle is nice enough to claim she needs to shop and will be back in a few hours.
Once I clean off the beach grunge, I join them in the living room. “You haven’t picked a movie yet?”
“It’s so much pressure!” Olivia says as she looks over our DVDs. “We only get one movie with Shrey a week.”
“Oh gosh,” Shreya says through a mouthful of popcorn. “I don’t care.”
I sit on the couch next to my grandma, who seems slightly perturbed by my friends taking over her TV. “Do you want to pick, Grandma?”
“The one with the giant,” she says immediately.
I smirk. “The Princess Bride? I thought you didn’t like that one.”
She tips her chin up. “I changed my mind. Can’t a person change their mind without getting the third degree?”
“Okay, okay.” I hold my hands up, trying not to laugh. “We’ll put it in, but you have to promise not to get mad when we repeat all the lines.”
“I bet we could act this out from memory,” Shreya says.
“For sure.” Olivia puts in the movie, and we settle in to watch.
Despite Grandma claiming to like it now, she gives the screen a big old crusty glare as we watch Westley and Buttercup do their “As You Wish” thing. “I hate this part. That girl is so stupid.”
I snort. Here it comes. For a woman who has memory issues, she is shockingly predictable sometimes. “Don’t knock Buttercup. She’s a product of her time.”
“That’s not what I meant.” She points at the screen, where Westley and Buttercup are saying their goodbyes. “There! She lets him leave. If she really loved him, she wouldn’t let him leave. Stupid girl.”
I knew that’s what she’d say, and yet it hits me very differently today. “But what if she knows he needs to go?”
“Why does he need to? They’re already happy together—why do they need money to marry? It’s stupid.” She folds her arms, upset. “Letting the people you love leave is stupid.”
My heart pounds as I take in the words. “Do you regret that? Letting the people you love go away?”
Her eyes meet mine, full of surprise like she’s been caught. Then she looks away, sadness weighing down her frame. “It’s my greatest regret. I never tried to stop Martin or Stan or Greg … I figured if they didn’t want to be aroun
d me, I shouldn’t make them. But I should have tried. Maybe things would have been different if I did.”
I tackle her into a hug, and she lets out a shocked screech. I don’t care, because her words have given me courage, and I have to act on it before it fizzles out. “Thank you, Grandma. I needed that.”
“Get off me!” she wails. “Don’t touch me!”
“Guys, will you watch her?” Leaping off the couch, I run for the door. “I need to go right now.”
“It’s about time!” I hear one of them say before I slam the front door behind me. Grabbing my bike, I head for AnimalZone as fast as I can.
Chapter 49
I skid to a stop in front of the store and don’t bother to lock my bike. When I burst through the door, Tanya the Gumsmacker gives me a what-the-hell look, but I don’t care. I round the corner to Aquatics, my heart pounding like crazy in anticipation of seeing Dylan.
He’s not there.
I frown, but maybe he’s helping a customer or in the storage room or on break. I check every aisle, and when each one comes up blank I begin to panic. He needs to be here. I need to say this now before I freeze up and chicken out forever.
He’s not in storage either.
The break room is empty, and it makes my soul sink. Why is he not here? I was sure he’d be working today, like destiny would make it turn out perfectly. But what if he gave up? What if he couldn’t take working here anymore, either?
Clark pops his head out of his office, and his eyes go wide when he catches sight of me. “Mika! What are you doing here?”
“Please,” I pant, only just realizing how fast I rode here. My legs are practically jelly. “Where is he? Tell me he didn’t leave again. I messed everything up and I need to talk to him.”
He frowns. “After his shift he disappears. Doesn’t even tell me where he’s going.”
I give him a pained look. “No.”
“But … ” He raises a finger, a shadow of a smile on his face. “If you promise me you won’t give him bad news, I might have a good lead for you.”
I gulp. “I hope what I have to say isn’t bad news to him, because then I might really have to quit working here.”
A bright grin breaks under his mustache. “I hoped you’d say that. Come here.”
I follow him to his office and watch him rifle through the papers on his desk for who knows what. “He doesn’t tell me where he goes, but I found these in his jacket pocket yesterday when I was doing laundry. Figured I’d keep them in case he wanted them.”
He holds up a handful of receipts, and I grab them from him. As I flip through them, I can hardly believe what I’m seeing—every single one is from the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I hold them to my chest, feeling like the most foolish girl in the world for not seeing just how much he loves me.
“Not sure what he does there for half the day,” Supervisor Clark says. “But I have a good guess who he’s thinking of.”
“Thanks.” I’m already half way out of the office when I say it, and then I’m back on my bike speeding in the direction of Cannery Row. The crowds get thicker and thicker the closer I get. Of course they do—it’s the last weekend before school starts. Everyone is probably trying to soak in the final days of summer break.
There’s a horrible line when I get to the Aquarium. I bounce and fret and almost consider calling Dylan, but I want to do this in person. I want to show him that he’s not the only one willing to go to crazy lengths for this to work.
When I finally get in, I stare at the expansive lobby, suddenly very aware of just how large this place is. And the people. They are everywhere. I have no idea how I’ll find him or if he’ll leave while I’m looking, but there’s nothing to do but start. I run for the Living Kelp Forest, scanning everything, hoping to see him. I even stand on benches to get a better look.
Not here.
I move on to the octopus exhibit and the touch pools, where there are way too many kids. I don’t spend much time there—Dylan wouldn’t hang out in such a loud place. I check the cafeteria and stores before heading for the other side of the museum. I’m frantic, worried to death that I won’t be able to find him at this point.
Checking the deep ocean area is hard because the room is dim compared to the giant wall where turtles and fish swim right past me. After I’m satisfied he’s not in there, I head for the jellyfish. It’s another dark exhibit, and it’s especially crowded today. I wish I was taller. It would make seeing through the masses much easier.
It’s supposed to be dark so people can see the jellies, but I’m angry I can’t see. Everyone is a black silhouette against the bright blue windows and ethereal floating creatures.
My breaths are shallow, and I can feel tears pricking at my eyes. This is crazy, to think I can find him here. I almost think about giving up, but then I catch something familiar in front of the Aquariou Jellyfish tank.
A slouching, sullen figure.
No one could look that depressed on vacation, so I push my way through the crowds to get a better look. The closer I get, the more my hope rises. It’s definitely a guy, and his hair looks right—messy and a little too long.
The second I get his profile, I know it’s Dylan.
That’s when a new flood of fear wells up inside me, and I stop just short, watching him. I have no idea how to do this. Maybe I should have planned something. I’m about to look like an idiot walking up to him with absolutely nothing to say.
And yet I’m doing it anyway. Before I know it, I’m right next to him. He doesn’t see me, just stares ahead like you do when you’re surrounded by strangers. I wrack my brain for something clever, some kind of opener that says everything I want and feel in one little sentence.
“The Aquarium, huh,” is what actually comes out. I’m super eloquent like that.
He looks down at me, and his eyes go wide as he jumps back a little. “How’d you know I was here?”
I bite my lip, the whole search for him suddenly seeming more like stalking. “Your uncle found a bunch of Aquarium receipts while he was doing laundry. So I followed the trail.”
“I see.” He relaxes just slightly, but there’s still hesitation in his eyes. “And why’d you come looking for me?”
“Because … ” I look down, as if the words I’m supposed to say are written on the floor. Sadly, they are not. “I needed to tell you something. Even if you never want to see me again, you need to at least know this.”
“What?” His voice is quiet in such a bustling room, but I can still hear the hope in it. That’s what pushes me on.
I meet his gaze. “You’re enough. You’re more than enough. You’re so enough that it scares the hell out of me. I’ve sucked at making sure you know that, but if you let me try again I promise to tell you every day how much I love you.”
He stares at me, and I have no idea what he’s thinking. It’s torture. Then one side of his mouth curls. “You love me?”
I nod slowly. “So much.”
His grin gets bigger. “How much?”
“To the point that it hurts not to be with you. All I want is you. All the time. I don’t know how to be without you anym—”
Dylan scoops me up, kissing me like no one else is there. I smile, laugh, and kiss him until some lady tells us we need to move. He doesn’t seem happy about putting me down, but he does anyway. “C’mon, show me your favorite spots.”
We talk about fish and steal kisses in dark corners and I never want this to end. I don’t think he wants it to, either. And right now, that’s enough.
Acknowledgements
I want to thank the people who believed in this book, and for that I have to start with my dear friends and crit partners who helped me get this book in shape: Kiersten White, Kasie West, Michelle Argyle, Sara Raasch, Sara Larson. You are amazing people and writers, and most of the time I wish I could be as cool as you guys. And to Jenn Johansson, Renee Collins, and Candice Kennington, thank you for always cheering me on through all the hard stuff as well. Tha
nks for sticking this out with me, guys, truly you are saints for dealing with my crazy.
I want to thank my Mom and Dad for being amazing parents who taught me how to be a good person through their own examples, even when they sometimes didn’t have the best examples in their lives growing up. You two are amazing, and I miss you a lot now that you live so very far away. And to my siblings, Mark, Ariel, and Kenna, thanks for being excited for my little dreams and for being awesome people I can lean on even when you live half way across the planet. You all keep me going.
To Nick, I love you times infinity and am grateful you are so awesome. Thanks for being the best husband and for backing me up when I’m on deadline. To my kids, Ben, Kora, and Gilly, you are really the best ones I could ask for. You are all really awesome at playing video games thanks to my writing career, and I hope when you become pro gamers you will thank me for that.
I really have to thank the team at Hot Key Books for making this book a real thing that I can hold in my hands. It means the world to me, as this story is a very personal part of my heart. Thanks for taking care of it and treasuring it. To my editors Sara O’Connor and Jenny Jacoby, an extra special thanks for helping me make this book even stronger. I hope you’re as proud of it as I am.
And to my agent, Ginger Clark, thank you for your endless support and confidence in my writing. It means the world, especially when I doubt myself. I know you’re there rooting for me, and it makes a difference. Thank you for finding Mika a good home.
Finally, though she’s not alive, I want to thank my grandma Carole for the good memories, and even for the not-so-good ones. Thank you for being a real person, flaws and all, and for teaching me in your own way. This book wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for your influence on me, and I love you. I also know you loved me, no matter what words you might have said. You would probably kill me for this book, but writing it helped me keep a piece of you in my heart forever. For that, I’m the most grateful.
Fish out of Water Page 25