by Karina Halle
“I don’t want to be alone,” I tell him.
“I know,” he says gently. “I’ll be twenty minutes at the most.”
“You’re just going to the store? You’re not going to see Rachel? Please don’t tell Rachel.”
“I’m not and I won’t but why?”
“I don’t know. I just… I know you guys are trying so I’m not sure if it would be weird for her. And more than that, I’ve technically known you the longest, Shane. And I trust you more than anyone.”
“More than Fox?”
“That doesn’t really apply to this situation right now. You promise, no matter what happens, to keep all of this a secret. I don’t want anyone to know.”
He gives me a sharp nod, his expression earnest. “I promise.”
I breathe out a sigh of relief. “Oh, hey. Can you open the cage and let Conan out?”
He pauses at the top of the stairs. “You want me to let the squirrel out of the cage?”
“Just lift the top latch. He’ll come out on his own, I’m sure. He likes hanging out with me and I need the company.”
Shane just rolls his eyes and heads down the hall. I hear him open the cage door and then he’s going down the stairs and out the front, muttering to himself about how the hormones have made me a crazy squirrel lady.
It takes a bit but eventually Conan hops down the hallway and finds me in the living room where he promptly settles in my lap. I know he probably sees me as a giant feeding machine but…
And then it hits me. Again. But with more terrible power this time.
I can barely take care of this baby squirrel.
Fox can barely take care of this squirrel.
How the ever-loving fuck are we going to take care of a baby?
I mean, what are we going to do?
Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic, I tell myself. It’s a false positive, just a false positive.
Oh, god, please, please.
It feels like an eternity has stretched past with me sitting there with Conan, just trying to breathe, just trying to keep my mind clear, just trying to hang on to every last second I have in this life that I know. Because when I pee on that stick again, everything might change forever.
Then I hear Shane park outside the house.
He comes back in with another bag.
I take the test into the bathroom.
I pee on the second stick.
I make a silent prayer and do the sign of the cross, as if that’s really going to help me right now.
“Are you okay?” Shane asks, knocking at the door. I’m having déjà vu though I haven’t opened my eyes yet.
“Give me a minute,” I tell him, taking in the deepest breath I can.
I open my eyes.
Stare at the test.
Two lines.
Positive.
That does it.
No mistakes here.
This is final.
I’m pregnant.
I’m pregnant with Fox’s baby.
I’m absolutely, positively…screwed.
13
Delilah
It’s been three weeks since I took that pregnancy test with Shane by my side.
Three weeks since I went to the doctor the next day and was right away confirmed that, yes, I was in fact pregnant. With a capital P.
Three weeks of dealing with my morning sickness that seemed to come at night, trying to make sense of everything, grappling with the fact that my life has been changed forever.
And, of course three weeks since I’ve seen Fox. He never even came home after the Alberta fire, instead he was sent directly from there to Redding, California to help fight the big blaze down there.
I’ve talked to him here and there. We text. He even Facetimed me once for a few minutes before he lost reception. The sight of him, a dirty yellow helmet on his head, his beard scruffy, his face marred with soot, was like a punch to the heart.
I haven’t told him the news. I can’t, not over the phone and certainly not over text. This is something I have to tell him in person and in some ways, I think I’m more scared about that than the actual pregnancy.
Almost.
I know he should be home tomorrow. He’s on a bus right now with his team and they just passed through Bend, Oregon. I know I need to start preparing myself for what to say to him.
I just don’t know what that is. I don’t even know how I feel about it yet, other than being scared to death. Maybe there is no other way to feel about this. Some women are happy, excited, full of joy. You hear about those people all the time. You never hear about the women who are terrified to the bone.
“Hey,” Shane says to me, leaning against the bar. “How are you?”
I saw him come in earlier while I was dealing with a customer and already got his beer out of the fridge for him. I slide it toward him. “I’m…okay, I guess. Considering.”
“Sorry I wasn’t able to come by yesterday, I had to help with the calves,” he said, raising his beer at me in gratitude.
I give him a quick smile. “It’s fine. You don’t have to be here all the time.”
“You trying to get rid of me?”
“Never.”
The truth is, I feel a bit guilty at the amount of time and attention that Shane has been giving me. I still haven’t told anyone, not Rachel, not my mother, and Shane knows that. He’s been by here almost every night, sometimes with Rachel, sometimes not. Even though I’ve gotten better at managing my “morning” sickness, he’s been here just in case.
Part of me is flattered to have someone like Shane taking care of me, someone I consider to be a brother. Another part of me feels that maybe it has something to do with Fox instead. I’m not carrying just anyone’s baby—this is a Nelson inside me. And as much as the two of them have their issues, I know that Shane wants closure with Fox, wants the two of them to get along. Perhaps, to Shane, this baby is a fresh start.
It doesn’t really matter though. The fact that I’m even thinking in terms of “this baby” and “a Nelson inside me” sounds positively alien. I’m not sure when any of this is going to seem normal or real but it doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon.
“So Fox is coming back tomorrow, huh.” Shane looks at me expectantly.
“Apparently.”
“I know this isn’t any of my business but…” he glances around him. It’s quiet at the bar tonight with only Old Joe at his booth, talking to one of the regulars, Finn, plus a middle-aged couple playing darts. Satisfied that no one can hear him, he leans in and whispers, “you have to tell him about the baby.”
I give him a steady look. “Shane. You think I don’t know that?”
He sighs, taking off his ball cap and running his hand through his light brown hair. “I know. I know.” He pauses and looks up at me warily. “Do you know what you’re going to tell him? I mean…now I know this also isn’t any of my business, but do you know if you’re going to, you know…keep the baby? Or not?”
“Of course I’m keeping it,” I say quickly, keeping my voice low.
“I had to ask…I didn’t know. You’re quite liberal and…”
“Look, Shane. I’m totally pro-choice. But pro-choice only means that…pro-choice. I respect anyone’s decision to do what they like with their own damn bodies. And maybe if this had been some random guy’s, some one-night stand, I would be singing a totally different tune. But this is Fox’s. And…I love him.”
And that’s all I’ll say about that. I couldn’t imagine not having it, I couldn’t imagine giving it away. I might be scared to death and completely unprepared but I love Fox and this baby is a product of the two of us. He may not love me, but he’s still my friend and…
Oh god.
Oh god.
What if he stops being my friend after this?
What if whatever progress we’ve made as a couple gets completely reversed?
What if I’m not even allowed to want him anymore, to care about my own pers
onal feelings when I’ve got a baby at stake?
Now I’m scared shitless all over again.
“Hey, it’s going to be fine,” Shane says, briefly putting his hand over mine as I lean against the counter, barely holding myself up. “Del, you’re going to get through this.”
I stare at him with wide, horrified eyes. “What if Fox doesn’t want anything to do with me and the baby?”
“Please. I know Fox is…I know he has problems but he’s a good guy. I can say that, I grew up with him. You did too. You know he’s not the type to leave you when you’re high and dry. He wouldn’t do that to any woman but he especially wouldn’t do that to his friend. To you.”
As sincere as Shane sounds, it doesn’t do a thing to ease the panic crackling in my chest. “But it might drive a wedge between us. And then what? What happens to us?”
Shane sighs and stares at me with sad eyes. “Del, unfortunately, I don’t think you get a chance to worry about that anymore.”
“What?”
“Fox. How he feels about you…I think that’s something that has to be worked out later, if you know what I mean.”
I know what he means. A month ago, my whole world was revolving around Fox and how he felt about me. The sun rose and the moon set by my love for him. The future was filled with possibilities, silly little hopes that you wish upon shooting stars and blown-out candles. Now that was all gone. As it should be. Now there’s something so much more important to think about than love.
And yet, my heart keeps demanding I pay it attention, as if it’s more important than what’s to be.
Love still rules everything.
“I know Fox will probably do the right thing,” I say slowly. “But I’m afraid he might just freak the fuck out.”
His mouth tilts up into a wry grin. “I’m going to level with you Del. Fox is most definitely going to freak the fuck out. But you never know. This might be the best thing that ever happened to the both of you.”
I can only hope that’s true.
“But,” Shane goes on, “and again, I’m probably overstepping my boundaries here, but I think maybe you need to tell Rachel. Or Riley. Or your mother. Or someone other than me and your doctor.”
He’s right. I know he’s right. “Is the burden of secret-keeping becoming too much for you?”
“I just think they’ll be hurt, that’s all,” he says gently. “I know Rachel will be when she finds out that I’ve known all this time and yet she didn’t. She’ll think you don’t trust her and the longer you keep it a secret, the more hurt she’ll be.”
“But that’s not it at all. I wanted to tell Fox first,” I tell him.
“I know,” he says just as the door opens and Rachel and Maverick walk in. “Hey,” he says to them, raising his hand in a wave. When Shane looks back to me, he’s giving me a look. You know, the look that says that I have an opportunity here and I better not waste it.
“You’re looking better,” Maverick says as he settles down on a bar stool and looks me over. “Less like you’re going to vomit everywhere.”
“Good,” I tell him, slinging my dishrag on my shoulder. “Because that’s not a good look on a bartender. Where’s Riley?”
“Saving lives and looking sexy while she does it.”
I roll my eyes.
“I’m guessing you don’t need any help this evening?” Rachel asks.
“Not really,” I tell her, pouring Mav his usual draft beer. As it is, the tap sputters and flat foam comes out. I didn’t plan on that but I guess that settles it. “Sorry Mav, I have to change the keg.”
“No worries,” he says, “Kokanee is fine for now.”
I get him a bottle of beer from the fridge and look at Rachel. “Rach, can you help me with the keg?” I jerk my head toward the door to the back room.
“I’ll help,” Mav says, about to get up.
“No,” I tell him quickly. “It’s fine. We’ve got it. Can you guys watch the bar?”
“Of course,” Shane says, grabbing Mav’s shirt and pulling him back down. “Always trying to be a hero, aren’t you Mav?”
“For beer, yeah.”
I duck under the bar-top door and beckon for Rachel to follow me.
Once we get inside the back store room, I shut the door behind us and face her.
“Uh oh,” she says with big eyes. “What happened?”
I sigh and rub my lips together anxiously, trying to find the words. It’s so much harder this way than actually discovering it along with someone like Shane.
“Okay, I have something to tell you and I…I’m not even sure how to tell you.”
A flash of terror comes across her eyes. “Oh god. What did Shane do?”
“No, don’t worry,” I tell her. “It’s nothing to do with you or Shane. It’s all me. Well, me and Fox.”
She looks relieved for a moment then hurriedly tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “What about you and Fox? Oh my…are you getting together? Or…not? Did you break it off?”
“There’s been nothing to break off,” I correct her and take in a deep breath through my nose. “Okay. So. Here it goes…”
“Del…”
“I’m pregnant.”
She stares at me, blinks. Then, slowly, “Whaaaaaat?”
“Yeah. So that’s what’s happening.”
I watch her carefully. She looks like she’s going to faint. “Are you serious?”
“Oh yeah.”
“And it’s…Fox’s?”
I nod. “Couldn’t be anyone else’s.”
“Oh my god. Del…I…do you know what you’re going to do?”
“Keeping it.”
“Okay. Have you told Fox?”
“He’s been away. I was planning to when he gets home. Telling him is going to be even harder than telling you.”
“How long have you known…oh wait. Your flu!” she says with a gasp.
“That was nighttime morning sickness. Or something.”
Shaking her head, she says, “Del, it’s been weeks. You didn’t tell me?”
She looks hurt. Shane was right about all this.
“I know, I’m so sorry,” I tell her. “I wanted to talk to Fox first.”
“But still…does your mom know?”
“No. Only you.” I pause, cringe. “And Shane.”
“Shane!” she exclaims. “Why does Shane know?” She seems to think that over as she’s saying it. “He’s known from the start, hasn’t he? That’s why he’s always here.”
“He’s just been concerned.”
“I know. Because that’s the kind of guy he is. But why does he know?”
“He was with me. It was his idea. The pregnancy test. He says he’s had babies on the brain since you guys started trying.”
Her face softens. “He has?” she asks in a dreamy tone.
“Yeah. Really. So he went to the drugstore to get me a pregnancy test. And then another one when I didn’t believe the results of the first one.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah. That’s pretty much what I’ve been saying every moment of every day. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am so fucking fucked.”
She exhales slowly. I have to say, it does feel good to get it off my chest, to be able to talk about it with someone else other than Shane. It also feels good that she’s as shocked and confused about the news as I am. Misery loves company and all that.
“You know, whatever happens, we’ll be here for you,” she says, coming over and putting her hand on my arm. “So you’re not fucked.”
“What am I going to say to my mom? To Fox?”
She lets out a soft laugh. “Your mom is going to be fine. I bet she’s going to be more excited than anything, definitely more excited than you.”
“And Fox?”
Her forehead wrinkles with worry. “Fox loves you Del.”
My heart physically hurts to hear it. “Not like that. Not like I do with him.”
“Well then, have you told him how you feel?”
> I lean back against the wall. “No. I was going to at some point. I think. I definitely won’t now.”
“Why not?”
“Ha!” My smile feels bitter. “First I have to break the baby news to him. The whole ‘I’ve been in love with you my whole life’ news can wait.”
“You could tell him at the same time. I mean, I think he deserves to know both, don’t you think?”
Rachel looks completely earnest, but she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She doesn’t know Fox like I do. She doesn’t know how hard this is going to be already.
“One step at a time, Rach,” I tell her and head over to one of the lager kegs that Maverick likes and try to hoist it up.
“Don’t you need help?” Rachel says, rushing over to me.
“I’m strong like bull, I can usually do this myself,” I tell her but she crouches down and scoops up the end.
“Not when you’re pregnant!”
“I’m barely pregnant,” I tell her. “About six weeks or so.”
“Can you pinpoint when…you know…what time you had the sex that he knocked you up?”
I almost laugh at her less than eloquent words. “I’ve been trying to figure that out,” I tell her as we carry the keg over to the door. “Honestly, I think it might have been the wedding.”
“I hope so. I’d like to think I had something to do with it.”
I undo the door with my elbow, about to open it. “But please, don’t tell anyone else yet. Not Mav or Riley.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
The next morning after I finally told Rachel, I decided that I might as well be on a roll with confessions and tell my mother. After all, out of everyone, I figured she might actually be the most understanding.
It took most of the day to work up to it, though. I made several attempts but then changed the subject at the last minute, my nerves getting the best of me.
Finally, I decided to go for a drive.
“Hey mom,” I say to her, shrugging on a light leather jacket that matches my chestnut Sorel snow boots. The snow hasn’t started falling yet but there’s definitely some ice around. “Want to go for a drive?”