by Karina Halle
They’re probably right but I don’t like it. My whole being protests against it. I want to see Del now. “I can’t miss anymore of her pregnancy,” I tell them, realizing that I’m practically pleading now. “I’ve missed so much.”
“You’ll catch the most important part,” Shane says. “All Del will know is that you’re still working in Whistler. She doesn’t expect you back for a bit anyway so we’ll keep on pretending.”
“You mean you didn’t tell Del you had to come here to get me?”
“Nah,” Mav says. “None of her business. This is just between the Nelson brothers.”
I breathe out a loud sigh of relief. At least there’s that. She still thinks I’m working, which sucks in its own way but at least she doesn’t know what happened. She might not let me near her and the baby.
“I text and email her every now and then to check on her and the baby,” I tell them.
“Then email from there.”
I don’t even talk about what I’ve been doing in Whistler and she doesn’t ask. I ask her the questions and she answers and that’s the extent of our relationship now.
Shit, it hurts. It fucking hurts that this is what we’ve become, what we’ve been reduced to. And it’s all my fault.
No, I tell myself quickly. The blame stops now. It has to stop now.
I take in a deep breath. “Okay,” I say to them. “I’ll do it.”
Maverick gives me a broad grin that lights up his whole face. “Good choice, brother. Otherwise we would have made you and that wouldn’t have been pretty. Though I’m pretty sure Shane here more than deserves getting a few punches in. You’ve had it coming for a long fucking time.”
I smile. It feels like the first time in months. Years. It feels like forever. “He can try but Shane punches like a toddler.”
“Oh fuck you,” Shane says, but he’s laughing. “Next time we stop for gas, you’re dead.”
“Shit,” Maverick says. “Now I have to figure out which one of you to bet on. The odds are better on this than the scratch ticket I was going to pick up.”
“Yeah right, I’d obviously win,” I tell him, punching him lightly in the shoulder. “Remember that time...”
And as I go on about the fights we’ve been in, the three of us in general, scrapping like brothers do, I realize how fucking lucky I am to have these guys on my team. They’ve always had my back, always been great brothers.
Time for me to return the favor.
I’m doing this for them.
I’m doing this for Del.
I’m doing this for me.
SPRING
20
Delilah
“Open mine first!” Riley shrieks, picking up her present from the pile and shoving it into my hands.
“Okay, no more mimosas for Riley,” Rachel says.
“No,” I implore them. “Please drink more mimosas. I have to live vicariously through you all. Besides, it’s my baby shower and my rules and I want you all as drunk as possible.”
“On it,” Vanessa says, getting up and walking over to the mimosa station we’ve set up on the bar. “Good thing this place is closed tonight.”
Riley, Rachel, and the new (temporary) manager of The Bear Trap, Vanessa, decided to throw me a baby shower here. It’s as good of a place as any and it’s been done up with white streamers and balloons and the most adorable cake with a stork on it that Vernalee baked.
I’ve been craving cake during this pregnancy like nothing else and honestly I just want to bury my face in it. It’s over on the counter, taunting me, and I’ve already had three pieces.
It’s not a large party—just Rachel, Riley, Vanessa, my mother, Vernalee and a couple of ladies I’m friendly with who frequent the bar, plus a few people I knew back in high school. That’s the thing about staying in a small town and running a bar, you might not have a lot of close friends but you have a lot of acquaintances.
And it’s nice, actually. It’s not about the gifts, though the giant stack of them on the pool table will go a long way. It’s about the sense of community. It’s about having people around you that care about you, that have your back and give you cake.
It’s funny, growing up, I always felt like an outsider. I think that’s why I attached myself to Fox, because he felt like one too. I was shy and tended to throw myself into solo sports like track and field and swimming. Though my mother was my rock, I was still conscious of not having a father, thought it set me apart from everyone else and all the happy families you’d see.
I assumed that would change as I got older. I thought having run this bar for so damn long would have made me feel part of something and for the most part that was true. But it wasn’t until I got pregnant that I really felt like people were there for me. That I wasn’t alone, even though my heart was alone. I’ve learned to rely on people in ways I never let myself before, and honestly…it feels good.
“Open it,” Riley says, slapping my knee.
“Hey, no hitting the pregnant lady,” I joke. “You never know when this thing might pop.” I rub my stomach appreciatively.
“When is your due date again?” one of my old friends, Susan, asks me.
“Supposed to be May 19th,” I tell her. “But I mean how accurate is that really?”
“Another six weeks and your little girl will be out here in the world,” Rachel says softly. I catch a bit of sadness in her eyes. I know she’s happy for me but she and Shane are still trying and they aren’t having the best luck. I think it’s putting a lot of added stress on her.
I wish I could tell her to not worry, that things will get a lot more stressful when she finally gets pregnant, but I know how much it means to her. Sometimes I feel bad that I’m the one who got pregnant while on the pill and completely by accident, while she’s actually trying. She has a husband, they’re so in love and yet it happens to me.
I don’t have anyone.
Fox is still in Whistler, working, and his emails between us have stopped. He still checks in via text every now and then to ask about the baby and how I’m doing but that’s about it. It’s already April, and I know that he’ll be back soon, but he hasn’t even said when and I’ve been too afraid to ask.
I’ve gone on the best way that I can.
It gets easier in a way, because I have so much love around me and so much to worry about and focus on.
But at night, at night the tears come.
He’s the reason I can’t sleep.
Everyone tells me it’s the pregnancy. They tell me that it’s my hormones and the discomfort and the anxiety of a baby coming. And while I don’t doubt all of those have some part in it, I know in my soul that it’s because of Fox.
He took a big part of my heart with him when he left.
And each day that passes I’m afraid I’ll never get that part of my heart back.
It will be his forever.
Even if he doesn’t want it.
Like a gift you’re not sure what to do with. Do you throw it away, give it to someone else, or bury it deep in the back of the closet, to only notice it every now and then with a vague sense of sentiment.
“Get all the sleep you can,” Vernalee pipes up, as if she hears my thoughts. “This is your last chance before the baby is born.”
“Well, I’m still not sleeping well,” I tell her. “Though I’m definitely done nesting. I’m too tired to do anything. But hey, at least I can breathe easier now. The baby seems to have shifted lower, felt like she was all up in my ribs for a while there.”
“Open. My. Present.”
I roll my eyes even though I’m smiling at Riley’s impatience. It takes a bit to unwrap it since she’s done a good job, must be all those tourniquets she does for work, and my hands are swollen as hell, but eventually I pull out a tiny black onesie for the baby that says “My blonde aunt is the sexiest.”
I burst out laughing. “Are you serious? Where did you get this?”
“Oh you can find anything online,” she say
s. “Do you promise she’ll wear it?”
“Of course.”
“Hey,” Rachel chides her. “What about her brunette aunt?”
Riley shrugs and has a sip of her mimosa. “Not my fault you didn’t think of it.”
When the baby shower is over, I’m exhausted. In fact, I left the party first so that the rest of them could continue drinking in the bar and living it up like I can’t. I just want a nap, stat.
My mother drives me home and then, after she makes me a cup of tea and I lie down on the couch, she leaves to go back for the presents and some of Vernalee’s enchiladas. I’m not much help in the kitchen anymore, though I try, and because of my mother’s arthritis, some days she can’t do it either, so Vernalee and the gang have been stepping in and making us meals most nights of the week.
Sleep finds me fast and I easily succumb, until a loud knocking sound, someone at the door, rouses me.
Ugh. My head is sticky inside, like my brain is full of mushed wet cotton balls. I’m over the forgetful pregnant lady phase (or the “preggo dumbs” as Riley calls it) thank god, but now I’m just plain out of it.
It’s getting dark out too and I’m wondering where my mother is. Maybe she locked herself out, though we rarely lock our doors here to begin with. I slowly get to my feet and head to the front door.
I open it and a gasp freezes in my throat.
It’s Fox.
It’s Fox standing in front of me, in the flesh, completely real though this feels like a dream.
And he looks…
Incredible.
Not just in the way I thought he would, the way he always did when I hadn’t seen him for a while. He looks incredible as in he looks like someone totally new.
The dark circles that were always etched under his eyes are gone.
His skin looks soft and vibrant.
There’s a clarity in his eyes that make them even more green, a clarity that seems to look right into my soul, see what’s in there, see me for all that I am.
“Fox,” I say, breathless.
He blinks at me, then down at my stomach. “Holy shit.”
When he left me I was barely showing at all, I just looked bloated. Now though, now I’m as big as a house, my stomach large and in charge.
“I know,” I say, unable to keep the smirk off my lips. I rub my stomach. “It’s like I’m having a baby or something.”
He shakes his head in awe, runs his hand over his jaw. “I can’t believe this.”
“I can,” I tell him. Fuck, suddenly I’m nervous. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he says.
“It worked. I’m very surprised.”
“Can I…can I come in?” And it turns out he’s nervous too.
“Of course.” I open the door wider.
He brushes past me into the house and I catch that scent of his, the hint of pine and soap clinging to his skin. It makes my stomach do flips, something unrelated to the baby, something I haven’t felt in such a long time.
He still has this power to set my soul on fire.
“Del,” he says again in that incredulous tone, looking me up and down as I close the door. “You look…you look…so fucking beautiful.” His voice starts to quiver as he says that and I watch him, my eyes wide, as he tries to find the right words. “You just… you’re the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.”
He takes a step toward me, holding out his hands toward my stomach like a peace offering. “Can I touch her?”
I swallow hard, my emotions quick to rise up. “Yes. You’re her father, Fox.”
The word father seems to take extra gravity in his eyes, like it’s dawning on him for the first time how real this.
How fucking complicated this is.
He puts his hands on my stomach, so softly, so gently, it’s like he’s handling a ball made of glass.
Just then, she kicks.
I giggle as Fox recoils in a mix of fear and absolute wonder. “Fuck. Did you feel that?” he cries out, mouth dropped open.
“Yes I felt that,” I tell him, then I take his hands and I hold them against my stomach. “She does it a lot. In fact, I’m supposed to time the kicks but I’m not very good at remembering to do that.”
“Why would you time them?” he asks, still staring down in fascination. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him look so enthralled. There’s this bizarre sense of power coming over me, mixed with tenderness. It’s the same feeling I get during sex with him, that I’m able to bring these emotions and feelings out of him, that it’s all on me.
In this case, I created this baby. Yes, he obviously had a lot to do with it, but it’s different for the woman. I’m carrying it, creating it. I have a life inside me, a part of him mixed with a part of me.
“It’s a way of making sure the baby is developing right but so far she’s healthy in every way.” I pause. “I do have high blood pressure which isn’t good and my hands and feet are so swollen it’s disgusting. So I guess there are some minor problems. But other than that, I mean, the baby is fine.”
Fox looks at me through his lashes and I’m caught off-guard by the need in his eyes, this soft yearning that makes something ache deep inside me.
He quickly leans in and kisses me.
Sweetly.
Softly.
Just a brush of his lips against mine.
I think my heart might break free of my ribs.
I think my body might burst into flames.
The taste of him, the feel of him, this intimacy, the fact that he’s still holding onto my pregnant belly…
It’s too much.
I break it off and gasp. “What are you doing, Fox?”
Shame flits across his gaze. “I’m sorry. I just…I’ve missed you so much. You have no idea what this has been like.”
I clear my throat. “I think I might,” I whisper.
“I just want…” he starts to say and then takes his hands off of me, stepping back. “I just want us to find each other again.”
God, I do too.
But I’ve been right here all this time.
“You barely contacted me, Fox,” I remind him, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice, out of my body. It can’t be good for the baby. “You’ve been too busy to even remember that I was here, that we were here. You left us.”
He closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose. “I was out of my mind.”
“I don’t care what your excuse is. You can’t just waltz back here and expect things to go back to normal. Fuck, there is no normal for us. There never was. We were friends and there was no baby and then we were just fuck buddies and now we’re this and I have no idea what this is.”
“We could have been a family,” he says stiffly.
“No, not the way you wanted,” I tell him. “I know you thought you were doing the right thing by asking me to marry you but you have to understand why I had to say no. I didn’t want our daughter to be brought up in a loveless marriage.”
He glances at me sharply. “No. It wouldn’t have been loveless.”
“You know what I mean.”
“And you don’t know what I mean. Del, I’ve been away and I’ve made some terrible mistakes and I’ll never forgive myself for leaving, for missing so much of you and the baby. But I’ve been doing everything I can to make it right.”
I scoff, going around him toward the kitchen to get some water. All this is making me thirsty and the baby is kicking again. I know she can hear voices now, I know she’s listening. Maybe she’s picking up on Fox’s. Maybe the last thing she wants to hear is me arguing with a stranger.
“By doing everything, you mean waiting until fucking April to come back home and see us,” I tell him, pulling a glass from the shelf. “Jesus, Fox. You could have visited if you really cared that much.”
“I know,” he says, right behind me. “I know. I fucked up. You have no idea. Or maybe you do because you’ve been watching me fuck up my entire lif
e.”
“Don’t start…”
“Del, I hit rock bottom out there. I ended up in jail.”
Fucking hell. “What are you talking about? Jail? What happened?”
“I went on a bender. Drank, took too many pills, left myself to die out there in a snowbank.”
Oh my god. I nearly drop the glass of water and have to put it down with shaking hands. I knew Fox was getting bad, I knew I saw signs of this but there was so much going on, I turned a blind eye. He was always so quick to shut you down and at the same time he was so bold in all he did. I wanted him to be okay, to have a handle on it.
I guess I was wrong.
“Fox,” I whisper. “That’s awful.”
He shrugs. “I did it to myself. It was the bed I chose to lie in. And who knows how long I would have lain in it, accepted it as my life, my punishment. Then Shane and Maverick showed up to get me.”
“What? They did? That’s like a ten-hour drive!”
“They did. They saved me from myself Del. Just for a moment though, I had to do the rest myself. So I went into rehab, then a treatment center. Just got out a week ago.”
“Oh my god,” I explain. I can’t believe it. “They didn’t even say anything to me.”
“My brothers can keep secrets. Sometimes,” he says. “It was also their idea. They didn’t want to tell you in case it didn’t work, in case I didn’t stay. But I did. And it will stay. I’ve started going to counselling and everything, working on myself, on my past. On my mother. On you. The baby. Found a good doctor over in Castlegar that I’ll see once a week.”
This is incredible news. I can hardly process it. Fox never asked for help once in his life, either from thinking he didn’t need it or thinking he did but was too proud to admit it. This changes so much. So much.
And yet, between us, between my heart and his, it changes nothing at all.
“Look,” he says, grabbing my hand and holding it tight. The warmth of his palm gives me temporary comfort. “I don’t expect you to welcome me back with open arms. But I’m still the boy you knew Del, the one you had faith in, even if I didn’t believe he existed. And this is just the first step to making myself a better man. This is just the first step toward a better life. Delilah, I’ve been thinking about you non-stop, I’ve been realizing so many things…how I really feel.”