“Come on, let’s go,” she whispered, and took off with Ethan close behind her. “Give me the note,” she called to him. “We have to split up. I’ll deliver it. You run home. Take the long way!”
Ethan handed her the note mid-stride, and they left each other with no more farewell. He made his way to the rusted-over railroad tracks he and Sam had walked along before. With each step toward home, he felt as if he himself were carrying the weight of one of those ancient locomotives, the movers of people and freight. He had taken on the responsibility and put himself in the danger of an adult, but he felt like a child as he ran away.
* * * * *
The warm wind in his face told Kyle the storm that had passed would come again. He needed to make it home before the rain. But more than that, he needed some time to himself before going back into the fray. The gray and green, vine-covered shack beckoned and welcomed him, creaking hello as he walked onto the porch. He wasn’t sure what always drew him back to this place. Perhaps it was only the seclusion. Or maybe it reminded him of a life half-lived in his childhood. But regardless, it was his. And maybe that was all he needed to draw him back.
“Simeon said you wanted to see me.”
Kyle whirled around to see Mark standing in the thick weeds by the porch.
“Geez! Mark! You scared me.”
“Sorry.”
“How did you know I was . . . I didn’t tell Simeon . . . I mean, never mind.”
Mark had removed his blue jacket and cap. His white shirt flowed openly in the breeze under his suspenders. Kyle noticed his heavy brows shrouding his crystal blue eyes as if they were protecting precious jewels. Mark joined him in the shade of the sagging roof, sitting on the steps.
“So what’s it all about?”
“Mark, nothing is simple. Even choices you would think are easy black-and-white choices aren’t. I’m not the man I used to be. And frankly, neither are you. We’ve all been changed by our experiences, the things we’ve seen and done.”
“Are you alright? You seem . . .” Mark grasped Kyle’s hand like he was trying to reach a drowning man being swept away in the current.
“Don’t!” Kyle didn’t mean to shout. “Please,” he whispered. “I can’t say what I need to say if you’re touching me.”
“So that’s the way it’s going to be. You’ve made your decision.”
“I have.”
Mark stood to face Kyle again, dragging his coat behind him. It took more energy than he thought he had to raise himself and move away from him. “All in love is fair, I suppose. But this isn’t love. It’s cowardice. I never saw you as a coward before.”
“I’m not a coward! But you said I had to choose. And the Watch has to be stopped. They can’t be allowed to spread their lies and treason anymore.”
Mark listened to the bees and hornets buzzing around the encroaching bushes and weeds. Robins made their way from branches to sky in fluid movements, shadows against the gathering clouds.
“You know, Kyle, I believe that you believe that. But if you silence everyone who disagrees with you, eventually, all you’ll have left is silence. Even those who support your own ideas will be silenced too. I hope you’re prepared for that.”
Mark couldn’t look at him anymore. He didn’t recognize the man who sat before him. There was something familiar in the way he ran his hand through his hair and to the back of his neck. Something in his earnestness. But the warmth and gentleness were gone. Feeling his feet move beneath him, Mark let them take him away from Kyle.
“So, that’s it?” Kyle called after him. “You’re just going to walk away? No goodbye or anything?”
“I’m not the one who walked away.”
* * * * *
Back to Gemma. Back on mission. Kyle had to stay focused. He couldn’t let what happened with Mark deter him. It was a distraction. That was all. The Corsairs brought order. Everything else was chaos. And all he had to do was stay the course.
“How was the Senate?”
“Pointless, as usual. Not sure I’ll go back. Not sure there will even be another session.”
“You sound like Z.”
“I doubt that.”
Gemma tilted her head. She didn’t want to fight with him. Not today. She needed connection. She needed to lean on him as she used to. With her hand at the back of his neck, she pulled him in for a kiss. Taut and hot against her hand, his neck stiffened.
“You hungry?”
“Yes, thank you. I could eat something.”
“You wanna help me fix dinner?”
“Sure. We could do that.”
He seemed formal and rigid to her. She almost felt as if she were entertaining a guest in their home.
“How are the kids that are now with Zacharias?” he asked with a note of sincerity laid across the surface of his voice.
“They seem to be doing okay.”
“Tell me again how he found them? Just stumbled upon them in the woods?”
“Not exactly. They were staying at his old cabin where he took his wife after the Disaster. I suppose he went out there to reminisce or something.”
“That’s not really like him, is it?”
“What is this? An interrogation?”
“Did you know these children already, Gemma? Did you lead him out there to them?” he persisted.
“Let’s change the subject, huh? What do you say?”
“Sure, okay.”
Kyle felt as though he were reciting memorized lines written by someone else. Nothing about him felt genuine anymore. Looking around the room, he was a prop, just another piece of furniture fulfilling the function it was built for. He walked over to where Gemma stood at the sink, taking her in his arms. He buried his face in her neck, slowly kissing the hollow behind her ear.
Gemma held him in her arms but still felt the tightness in his muscles. Nothing about him felt relaxed or natural. It was as if he were forcing himself to be near her.
“Kyle, I can’t keep up with you. One minute it seems like you’re picking a fight. The next minute you’re kissing me. How do you expect me to act?”
Kyle dropped his arms. His face was a blank. “I don’t know, Gemma. I’m just sorry, okay?”
“Sorry for what?”
“For everything.”
“You’ll need to be more specific.”
“I’m sorry for leaving and coming back the way I did. Maybe I’m even sorry for marrying you and putting you through all this. I just wish I could take it all back.”
“You wish you didn’t marry me, is that what you’re saying?”
“It doesn’t matter, does it? We can’t undo the past. We have one chance to make the decisions that will shape our lives.”
“I wish I understood you. I want us to be together, to be a couple. But how can we when you’re constantly shutting me out, Kyle? We can’t keep doing this. Either let me in or let me go.”
He walked to the door, opening it to the shower that covered the outside world, a light steam entering with a breeze.
“Where are you going? I thought we were going to make dinner.”
“I should go to the Council of Doctors, see if I’m needed there. At least I’d know what was expected of me.”
Gemma couldn’t understand her husband’s erratic behavior. Sorry for leaving and coming back the way he did, he had said. Unwillingly, her mind jumped back to what Tower had told her—the Triumvirate spies would most likely be people returning from the camps. But it would make sense as well for it to be someone who had returned after serving with the Corsairs.
She tried to fight back her feelings of suspicion. But nothing made sense anymore, least of all Kyle.
* * * * *
At the bridge where she and Sam used to play, Gemma stopped to peer into the river, which was pregnant with rain. It flowed and moved, ever-changing. Her reflection was twisted and lined with the water’s movements, and yet she found more truth and beauty in that reflection than in reality. There was something soothi
ng about the way the reflections shifted. Something less soothing when it happened on this side of the reflection.
Her encounter with Kyle had left her uneasy, so she walked to return to Z’s house, the only place where she felt safe or secure these days. As the evening passed away, her anger did not pass with it, but grew. She breathed in shallow bursts and felt as if her anger could set fire to a barren earth. She had never really thought about how certain kinds of love could weigh you down like chains or carrying an uneven load. Maybe it was because she’d never felt anything different.
A pigeon flew across the path, dropping a feather on its journey that spun, floated, and flitted to the earth so slowly it looked suspended in air. Gemma knew she had to be on her way as well before the next round of showers hit. The thunder was already announcing their arrival. Stepping across the bridge, she turned to look back once more. Lightning struck the ground mere yards away, shooting into the river, creating a series of explosive splashes along the surface of the water. Gemma had never seen anything like it. Nothing could have prepared her for the spectacle.
“You’re back soon.” Z sat in his rocking chair on the porch, watching the storms roll in over the valley. “So many comings and goings today.”
“Kyle and I had another fight. I didn’t want to stay in the house. Where are the kids?” Gemma was hoping to get to spend some time with Daisy.
“Out playing somewhere in between storms. They were feeling a little stir crazy. It seems like you and Kyle are fighting more than usual lately.”
Gemma leaned against the railing of the porch. She felt the breeze against her neck, ruffling her hair. “I know. I can’t understand him, Z. I try, I swear. But it’s like he’s living in another world removed from me now, and I can’t get through. Ever since Sam came back.”
“Now, now. It’s not Sam’s fault.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. But it’s like it changed something in him. Turned on his suspicions or something. Hell, our whole life together seems to be nothing but suspicion.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you didn’t know Kyle before like Sam and I did. You’ve only known him since he came back from the Corsairs, so you can’t compare how he is now with how he used to be. But if nothing else, before he left, he was always so sure of what we were fighting for. Sure of his allegiance. And now, it feels like he doesn’t know which side he’s on. Like he’s fighting against himself.”
“Well, maybe we’re all . . .”
“No, listen. I have to say this before I talk myself out of it. Z, I’m worried Kyle might be a spy for the Corsairs. Tower and Cypress told me there are at least one or two spies in every village, people coming back from work camps or from being away, infiltrating back into the groups that once trusted them.”
“Well, by that logic, Sam could be a spy too.”
“I know. Don’t think I haven’t thought of that.”
“Gemma, what other evidence do you have that Kyle is a spy?”
“None. It’s just a feeling. Just a suspicion. Like I said. But how can I go on living with a man I no longer trust? I just wish I had someone who could see the whole picture telling me what to do.”
“Well, we all wish that. It never gets any easier as you grow older.”
“Isn’t that what your gods used to be? Someone to tell you which way to go?”
“Do we need to be told what’s right or wrong? Or do we just need to be still and quiet enough to listen to what our hearts and consciences are telling us? Maybe a god is made up only of our belief in him. But still we have to ask ourselves—what are we fighting for? And who are we standing with?”
Zacharias observed the crows flying above trees in shadow against the ever-darkening sky. Led by instinct, something beyond their consciousness telling them to seek shelter.
“I know why I fight.” Gemma blurted out the words as if she’d been trying to hold them back.
“Why do you?”
“Absolution, to somehow make up for my mistakes.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I never told you exactly what happened when my parents were taken. It was too soon. I couldn’t talk about it. Never even told Sam.”
“What did happen?”
“There was nothing I could do, Z. I couldn’t even watch. I ran away and left them there. I left them.”
“You were a child.”
“That’s not all. I remember when I was running from the village, there was a little boy hiding behind a building that was on fire. He was frozen with fear. Couldn’t move. His tears made white lines down his dirty face. Everyone was running. Chaos everywhere. But I just looked at him. Our eyes met through the smoke and debris. I tried to get to him, to pull him away, and get him to run too. But suddenly, the building collapsed. And he was just gone. I couldn’t save him . . .” When the words could no longer be wrung from her throat, her tears fell, washing her in the feelings she’d kept at bay so long. She threw her hands up to her face, an unconscious shield.
Zacharias went to her side, stooping a little to look her in the face, gently taking her hands in his, forcing her to face him. “Gemma, that wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. You take too much on yourself.”
“We humans have figured out so many ways to do horrific things to each other. But we’re adults,” she spoke hoarsely. “What about the kids? They are always the ones to suffer the most, and they are the innocents. What have our actions done to our children?”
“I’m finally starting to understand you. Listen to me, the things we’ve experienced leave scars, not just on our bodies, but in our very souls. Constantly poking at those scars won’t change anything, believe me, I know. You and I have a tendency to look in the wrong direction. We won’t find the meaning or the purpose we seek in the past, but in the future.”
“Maybe so. But my future and my purpose seems to be to keep the Corsairs from continuing this campaign of taking more and more from us.”
“I’m not sure they could have taken anything that our original apathy didn’t give them.”
“And I’m not sure it’s as simple as all that.”
The children tromping back from their adventures interrupted them before Zacharias could finish explaining his meaning. Toby and the twins ran and giggled among themselves. But Daisy held back, shuffling behind them quietly.
“Alright, kids. There’s apple juice inside. We’ll start on dinner shortly. Come on in and clean up.” Zacharias led them into the kitchen. But Gemma stopped Daisy before they entered the house.
“Hey, kid. You alright?”
“I’m okay.”
“You’re not looking at me.”
Daisy impulsively threw her arms around Gemma, burying her face.
“Hey, now. What’s all this?”
Daisy looked up and could tell Gemma had been crying. “Were you worried about me?” she asked.
“I always worry about you. You want to tell me what happened?”
“I have a message for you from Aishe.”
“Well, that’s nothing new. What’s the matter, sweetie? What aren’t you telling me?”
“When I was getting the message from one of the other kids, we were almost caught by a Corsair. That’s never happened before. It just surprised me, I guess.”
“Scared you, too, I’d say.”
“I’m not scared.”
“Daisy, being scared is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m scared all the time. Did you know that?”
The child shook her head.
“It’s what we do with our fear that matters. If it keeps us from doing what needs to be done, that’s not good. But if it makes us more cautious so we can live to fight another day, then that’s a good thing. You had every right to be scared of the Corsair in that situation. So how’d you get away?”
“We hid in an old tree trunk, then I distracted him so we could run.”
“You did everything right, then. Well done.”
Daisy h
ugged her again.
“Is that what you were worried about? That I’d be disappointed?”
“Maybe a little,” she mumbled.
“Never. I’m always proud of you. You remember that.” Gemma held onto her a little tighter, hoping that her own fears weren’t seeping through. “Now, let’s see that message.”
Horses hooves splashed in puddles and clomped along the road. A squad of Corsairs was coming close. Gemma and Daisy looked up, still clinging to each other. Daisy was sure they were coming after her, and Gemma wondered the same. She whispered entreaties to no one in particular that the squad would continue riding past the house. “Please ride on. Please ride on.” But they turned in at the drive, the sergeant staring directly at her. Daisy and Gemma stood facing them. Where the child had sought comfort by her closeness before, she now offered support and solidarity. If she had been taller, the two would have been standing shoulder to shoulder as they faced down the soldiers together.
16
BURNED AS COALS
S ounds and smells of men on horseback assaulted Gemma’s senses. Jangling stirrups and reins, neighing and whinnying beasts pushing in and pushing out. Orders were shouted across the yard. Flowers and plants trampled. All that existed to these Corsairs was their group and the mission. Everything else was out of their scope of vision. Gemma felt the note from Aishe growing limp in her sweating palm. She had to find a way to hide it. She dropped to her knees on the porch and pretended to tie her boot laces, sticking the paper within the folds of her leather boots.
She whispered to Daisy, “Run inside, sweetie. Tell Z to make sure everything’s hidden. Quickly. Then you and the other children head for the cellar.”
Daisy hesitated. She didn’t want to leave Gemma to face the soldiers alone.
“Go now, kid.”
Daisy ran inside just as the sergeant clomped his heavy boot on the porch.
“What can I do for you, Sergeant?”
“Do you live here, citizen?”
“No, I’m just visiting my father while my husband is working at the Council of Doctors. You may know him. Kyle Drape. He used to be a Corsair as well.”
A Light From the Ashes Page 30