“Yes, Sam. But she’s in the Watch, too. She understands.”
“I know.”
“I’ll be careful.”
“I know you will.”
Sam remembered his own childhood, and how it was ripped away from him, remembered having to make grown-up decisions far too early. He had hoped to save Ethan from that. Hoped he and Sophie could have given him a semblance of a childhood. The farm by the sea had seemed like a haven, an escape for a little while. But there they all were, having to face it all again, just like before.
“Sam, what’s going to happen to us?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“Are the Corsairs going to kill us like they killed those people today? Like our parents? And if they are, why don’t they just get it over with? What are they waiting for?”
“I don’t know that either, Ethan.”
“I wish you did.”
“So do I. But hear me when I tell you I will protect you and Sophie. No matter what. Do you understand?”
“I do.”
“Alright, then, let’s just go home.”
* * * * *
After dinner, Ethan went up to his room. No one had really spoken throughout dinner. Wilting asparagus hugged the edges of their plates. Nettle soup no longer steamed but sat in cold silence in the bowls. The deaths of the members of the Watch weighed heavily on them, bringing fear as an unwelcome guest to the table. When Ethan had gone upstairs, Sam and Sophie sat staring at their flickering plates in the lamplight in protracted silence.
“I wish they wouldn’t make the children go to those damn meetings. It’s beyond cruel.” Sophie’s voice sounded hollow in the room.
“They’re growing fear. That’s the whole point of all of it.”
“To what end? We’re already frightened. You reach a level where you can’t be frightened anymore.”
“Maybe they’re trying to establish where that level is.”
“What, like a kind of experiment?”
“Maybe.”
“It makes no sense. None of it does.”
“I saw the smoke again today on my way home from Jesse’s Hollow. I wish I knew what it meant.”
“I wish I knew what any of it meant.” She got up and started clearing the dishes away while Sam pumped water into the sink for washing. “I’m going to take Pip out for a ride now that it’s dark.”
“Do you have to today?”
“He’s been cooped up in the barn for days because of the rain. He’s getting restless. I’ve got to let him out.”
“Just stay away from the roads and the lanterns, then, alright?”
“I will. Don’t worry, sweetheart. I won’t be long.” She kissed him on the forehead.
“I do worry.”
Feeling the cool saddle under her and the moist air through her hair, Sophie felt as though the earth had just been washed clean only to be soiled again by the terror the Corsairs were bringing down. She had met with Foxglove a couple of days before and given her report of the mission. But she’d received no word yet on how the Watch wanted to proceed. Now with the executions having begun again, she had no idea what to expect, but waited anxiously for word from her captain. They could be thrust into the middle of another war within days. And what of the others, the people beyond the borders? How would another war affect their lives?
Ever since returning from her mission, she couldn’t stop thinking of the woman who called herself Gran. She kept wishing she had brought her back over the fence with her. At night, she would wake up from firelit dreams of the old woman running from Corsairs, darting out of burning buildings. Sometimes she would see her sister Laurie with Gran, grown older than her now, withered with time and suffering. Their faces would be covered with ash as the trailing smoke and flames leapt behind them.
Sophie pushed Pip to ride faster, letting the wind whip her face as Pip chose the direction through fields and trees, always on the lookout for a Corsair patrol. Before long, she found they’d reached the Border and pulled him up just short of the barbed wire fence. The wires crisscrossed along the length of fence so there was no way to lift or maneuver them to get through. The only way across the Border was at the guard stations or to cut the fence. Razor-edged barbs punctuated the crosses, and they sometimes held onto fur or flesh from animals attempting to sneak through.
Sliding silently from the saddle, Sophie tried to quiet Pip from his exhilarating ride. She knew a Corsair guard from the guard station would be passing within minutes, but she stood looking through the crossed wires. Where would Gran be sleeping tonight, she wondered. Had she been able to find shelter from the storms?
A barb pricked her finger, jolting her out of her musing. She needed to move quickly to get herself and Pip out of earshot of the Corsairs. But when she turned to go, she felt a tug on her tunic. It was caught on the fence. The moon was too low in the sky by now to assist her with even a hint of light. Pulling and tearing wasn’t working. She was held fast. Her nimble fingers fiddled, turned, and tore along the barbs, dripping blood onto the offending tunic. Still it would not come loose.
From the right, she heard the Corsair whistling. He was coming closer on his ten-minute patrol. Pip was snorting and pulling at the reins she held tied around her wrist as he tried to escape without her.
Seconds felt like hours. She was sure she’d be caught when she finally ripped the bottom of her tunic free.
She forced herself to walk somewhat slowly as she led Pip in the opposite direction from the Corsair. She couldn’t risk the noise they’d make riding away. As they got deeper into the woods away from the Border fence, she finally allowed herself to mount and ride Pip to the safety of her farm.
After she’d fed and watered Pip, Sophie walked the length of the field back up to the house. It stood black against the gray dawn rising. She silently berated herself for falling into such pointless danger. There was no reason for her to be at the Border in the middle of the night. It was a childish mistake to have made, and one she couldn’t afford to make again.
Her neck and shoulders ached from the tense ride. She ran her hands down the back of her neck, pushing into the knots in her shoulders. Then she felt it. Her butterfly necklace was missing. She patted her neck and her clothing, hoping to find it clinging there. But it was well and truly gone. It could be anywhere between where she stood and the Border. The chances of anyone finding it were slim, but her heart ached with the thought that she’d lost Laurie’s necklace, her one connection with their shared past. And all for what? For a reckless midnight ride. She walked into the house and up the stairs, defeated.
A bird called through an open upstairs window, standing out against the usual morning wildlife sounds. It didn’t sound like a normal call, but distress, chirping and crying in ever increasing volume. Sophie wished she could cry out that way to express her fears.
As she entered the darkened bedroom, Sam rolled and tossed in the bed, mumbling in his sleep as he often did. She’d grown accustomed to his night sounds. She removed her clothes, replacing them with a nightgown before climbing into bed beside him. He didn’t settle as she hoped he would but kept turning and kicking at the covers. His mumbling grew louder and more pronounced.
“No, don’t take them!” he cried. “No, come back!”
Sophie ran her hand along his sweating forehead, trying to calm him, whispering in his ear. Moving away when she was almost hit by his flailing arms, she knew she had to wake him.
“Sam. Sam, wake up, my darling, it’s just a dream.”
Still sleeping, he jumped out of bed and started for the window.
“Sam!” She barely reached him in time. As she pulled him away, he cried out, his voice jagged as the blade of a knife. He stood looking at her in the rising light, not knowing her right away.
“Sam, it’s me, baby. It’s Sophie. You were having a dream. It’s okay. You’re safe now. Come back to bed.”
He didn’t utter a sound but allowed her to lead him back to bed. She cov
ered him up, cradling his head against her chest. “Shhh, it’s alright now. You’re safe. I guess we all have our demons, don’t we?” She stroked his wet hair. “It’s okay. Go back to sleep.” She began singing her song quietly to him. “In every bird’s refrain, I hear you. In the brook that speaks your name, I hear you. In a child’s unbridled laughter, in the peace that follows after, in the beating of my heart, I hear you.”
Sam lay there, still. He breathed deeply. And though the air filled his lungs in the bed, she imagined he could still smell the burning of the forest and hear the screams of his dreams. Sleep was lost to him.
PART III
17
SHEDDING LIGHT
S am stood at the gate leading to Gemma’s house, waiting. He couldn’t bring himself to go up to the door and knock, so he just waited for her to come out. The days were starting to look and feel differently. Summer was coming to an end. Autumn wrapped the fading green summer day in her vibrant red robes, taking up the burden of brilliance. Summer was shedding her colors, fading, and stepping back from the brightness. He remembered summers he’d spent with Gemma and thought of how slowly and subtly their lives had changed, the colors draining from their days until now when he hardly even recognized her. He questioned again if he should be interfering now and bringing her the information he had. Surely Sophie knew what to do with the knowledge she’d gained on her mission across the Border. He knew she must have already met with her commanders. So why then was he here getting Gemma involved?
If he were honest with himself, it wasn’t about getting the information to the Watch but to Gemma herself that was important to him. It was about following the code. He needed her to know and be prepared for what he sensed was coming.
“Sam?”
The voice coming from behind him startled him. He had expected to see Gemma coming down the drive from her house.
“Oh, there you are.”
“Were you waiting for me?”
“I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“Have you heard anything in the Watch about a second Border? A high concrete wall past the Border fence?”
“Yes, I know about it. But how. . .”
“So what’s going to be done?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are they going to send people to try to get over the wall?”
“We don’t know yet.”
“Well, I think it’s time to get in touch with your contact from the government, the one who’s leaking information.”
“Now, hang on, Sam. First of all, we can’t just get in touch with them. They’ve always contacted us, and only through several layers of messengers. So we have no idea who it is or how to contact them. But secondly, the bigger question for me is how you know all this.”
“That’s not important. Something has to be done. That’s the important thing.”
“Something is being done. The Watch is going to handle it. But I mean it, how did you come across all this information?”
“Maybe I shouldn’t tell you.”
“You need to tell me, Sam.”
“I got married. My wife went on a mission for the Watch. We talk about things.” He let the words fall out quickly. Sam thought he saw fear seep into Gemma’s eyes. “But believe me, Gemma, the information is safe with me. I’m not going to tell anyone else. I may not be a member of the Watch, but I will keep your secrets.”
“Stop. Please stop talking. I’ve heard enough.”
“She doesn’t know that I know you. I recognize there are code names for safety. Honestly, I don’t even know hers.”
“Please stop, Sam. Let me just take this in, okay?” She gripped the gate, steadying herself. Her knees and her voice were shaking. Nothing about this was in her control. She clutched the gate tighter.
“What’s the matter?”
“What’s the matter? Can you really ask me that?”
“I don’t understand.”
“This isn’t about the Watch. How did you think I would react to hearing you’re married?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d have much of a reaction at all. I mean, you married Kyle. Did you think I’d just stay alone for the rest of my life?”
“Do you love her?”
“Of course I do.”
“And will you take care of her?”
“Always.”
“Then that’s all that matters, isn’t it?”
“I’m still not sure I understand you.”
“You never did. Change of subject. Since this conversation is just an exchange of information, you should tell Ethan his friend Toby was taken by the Corsairs. Conscripted.”
“What?! How did this happen?”
“A search at Z’s house. The kids went after the soldiers, and they decided to take Toby as retribution.”
“I swear, it’s like Ethan is just reliving my life.”
“The pattern continues until we stop it.”
“I don’t see that there’s much we can do.”
“Don’t you? Look, I have to go. Goodbye, Sam.” Gemma walked through the gate, closing it between them.
Her head was spinning. How could one five-minute conversation completely overturn her world? Sam was married. And to Aishe, her only friend. So this is what he had felt that day when he came back to her and she’d told him she’d married Kyle. The same feeling. Even almost the same place.
Maybe he was telling the truth. But maybe he wasn’t. What if he was the spy and just making up a wife to attribute the information to? Maybe this was all a trick to force a move by the Watch. Could this man she’d known her whole life really betray her and everything she stood for? Married to Aishe or a spy for the Corsairs. Were those the only two options? Gemma wasn’t sure which prospect scared her more.
* * * * *
“I can’t tell Ethan about Toby. I just can’t.”
Sophie turned on her piano stool to face Sam, still standing in the open doorway. The last chords she’d struck on the piano as he walked in were still hanging in the air. The last phrase of music playing in a loop through her mind. The song hung unfinished. Sophie hated to hear about children being taken and struggled to control her own emotions about it. “You understand what he’s going through more than anyone else, honey.”
“It’s because I understand that I know nothing I could say will help. I want the boy to be able to have his own feelings about it and not be influenced by mine. Could you please just tell him?” Sam was already starting to shift, moving toward going back outside. He looked like a little boy ready to run away.
“If that’s the way you want it.”
“I do. I’m going out to the field. We’ve got to get started on the harvest.”
“Sam, are you okay?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
The force of the closing door struck discordant strings on the waiting piano.
Sophie found Ethan in his room, where he often stayed lately. He didn’t venture outside as much as he used to, and she had worried about that. It wasn’t good for him to be inside and alone as much as he was. And now she was coming to deliver another blow. She wished she could have protected him from it, kept the information to herself. But he would find out as soon as he went to Z’s house anyway. There was no protection from it, no insulation from pain. Wasn’t that what life had always taught her?
Standing in silence a few moments in the doorway, Sophie waited to enter Ethan’s room. He was near the window, closely observing a spider building its web. As the spider swung nimbly from one end of the window to the other, Ethan followed him with his eyes. In his face, the crisscrossing paths of thought were like the web before him, trying to make a pattern out of chaos. In his lap, he gripped a book tightly but did not open its pages.
“What do you have there?” Sophie finally asked.
Ethan turned, surprised to see her standing behind him. “It’s a book Z let me have.”
“Can I see i
t?”
He offered the book to her.
“Peter Pan. I like this story.”
“You know it?”
“I sure do.”
“It’s why Sam sometimes calls me the Lost Boy.”
“But you aren’t really lost anymore, are you?”
“No, I guess not.”
Sophie’s smile could not hide the sadness Ethan saw in her face.
“Sophie, did something happen to Daisy?”
“Who’s Daisy?”
“One of my new friends. She lives with Z now.”
“No, I’m sure Daisy is fine.”
“But something else is wrong.”
“How do you know that?”
“Your eyes say just about everything.”
“Sometimes I wish they didn’t.”
“You can tell me. I can handle it.”
Sophie was in awe again at the strength in this little Lost Boy. She wished she could whisk him off to Neverland where he would never have to grow up. Never lose his friends or see the terrible things he’d seen. But there was no Neverland, no place of fairies and magic. She wondered if there was even a place where humans could find their humanity again.
* * * * *
From the top of the piano, Sophie pulled down the picture of her holding Bridget. She wondered if she would be acting differently now if Bridget were still with her. She probably wouldn’t have gone to the Border at all that day if her daughter had still been alive. She looked at her daughter’s blonde head laying on her shoulder, the kiss she’d planted on her forehead. She saw again the fever in her cheeks, the useless suffering. And she knew she had to hold on to every piece of her family. Every reminder of love found and love lost. If humanity was going to survive, it would be in the mementos treasured, the kisses shared, and the family remembered.
A Light From the Ashes Page 32