“So many things.”
“Tell me.”
“I didn’t know the last time I held them or sang to them or read to them would be the last time. All the little last times I missed out on. If I had known, I would have held on longer and tighter.”
“So would I. If I had thought it would be the last time, I’d never have left you in that cabin alone. I’d never have dragged you into all of it . . .”
“Now, now. What did we agree? None of that, love. I’ll not have you cloaking yourself in all the blame for everything that’s happened. It wasn’t your fault. We both did what we thought was right. And life took us on its own journey. That’s all.”
“So many ripples, though, from every action we take.”
“So many ripples.”
“What was the last song you listened to before the electricity went out?” He tried to change the subject.
“Oh, wow. Let me think. Let me think. I think it must have been the soundtrack to Hamilton. I do miss our music from Before,” Jesse sighed. “What about you?”
“I was listening to Radiohead on my phone. ‘No Surprises’ was the song. Ironic, huh?”
“Yeah, it is. What do you miss from Before?”
“You know, you’d think I’d say something about electricity, technology, or something like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
“But you know what I really miss? Hamburgers. Big, juicy hamburgers with everything on them. I try to be grateful that we just have food at all. I eat the never-ending cornbread, eggs, vegetables, and I try to imagine a soft hamburger bun instead. Sometimes, I swear, I dream about the food from Before.”
“I knew it! I knew you were going to say hamburgers!”
“You did not!”
“I did. My oath, I did.”
They both laughed. In the back of her mind, Jesse wondered how they could with all that was happening around them and all that was about to happen. But sometimes, she just couldn’t help herself. After years of thinking, I wish Zack were here so we could laugh about this together, now he was actually there. And she promised herself she would enjoy every single laugh.
Jesse sighed at the end of her long, throaty laugh, squeezing Zack’s hand tighter. “And what do you see when you close your eyes, my love?”
Zacharias caught his breath, then exhaled slowly. He’d forgotten what it felt like to be with someone who could see directly into his soul. “I see you and the kids in those last few days. I see the fear in your eyes and know I have to do something to take that fear away.”
“That’s what you’ve carried with you all these years?’
“What about you? What do you see?”
“I sometimes see my mother on Brighton Beach. I see my babies when they were born. I see the happy tears in your eyes when they each held your finger for the first time in their little fists. I see their first steps. The sun peeking through the clouds and lighting up the tops of their heads. I see every happy memory with all of us.”
Zacharias found it hard to believe the joy she was still capable of. Joy she seemed to carry with her like a gift, despite all she’d been through.
“Z! Where are you? Zacharias?!” They heard Sam calling from inside the house. He had come in the back door without their noticing.
“Quiet, boy. The kids are asleep.” Zacharias met Sam in the front room, noticing immediately how frightened he looked. “What is it?”
“Z, I’ve done something. Everything’s changed. I don’t know what to do.”
“Calm down, son. Calm down. Come have a glass of water.”
“I don’t want a glass of water. And I don’t want to calm down!”
“Then come outside with me so we don’t wake up the kids.”
Sam was pacing frantically through the room but followed Zacharias outside. He froze in the doorway, seeing Jesse rise from her chair. “Who’s this?”
“Sam, this is my Jesse. Jesse, this is my adopted son, Sam.”
“It’s lovely to meet you, Sam. Zack has told me all about you and Gemma. You’re more of a man than I imagined from his description. I half-expected to meet a teenaged boy.” She held out her hands to Sam, but he hesitated.
“So I was right, then? Sophie did actually find her?”
“Yes, you were right.”
“I’m sorry, Jesse. Yes, of course, it’s nice to meet you. Please forgive me.” Sam took her proffered hands. Then he slid onto the top step of the porch, letting his head fall into his hands.
“Why don’t you tell us what’s going on?” Zacharias laid a heavy hand on Sam’s shoulder.
“You, know, Zack, I can go on up to bed if the two of you need to talk. The boy’s just met me, after all.”
“No, you can stay,” Sam spoke through his hands, muffling the sound. Jesse could hear tears in his voice. She and Zacharias sat back down in the chairs behind Sam and waited patiently for him to begin his story.
Sam was amazed at how comfortable he felt sitting there with these two people, the love he felt between the two of them wrapping themselves, the house, and him in a kind of cocoon of safety. He marveled at the events that had led them to this moment and found himself wondering if he would have felt as comfortable with his birth parents and if he could have sat here like this, sharing his most troubling thoughts and fears. But he would never know, never know the relationships or events that might have been if his parents had not been executed. He heard two crows shouting back and forth between each other in a nearby tree, somehow making the silence of the night even more pronounced.
“The moon is brighter than the fires tonight,” Sam spoke finally.
“It’s what the people of Before used to call a Harvest Moon, back when there were real harvests. Supposedly, the brightness of the moon was enough to let farmers continue their work of the harvest well into the night, lengthening their day.” Zacharias always had an explanation for everything.
“I killed a man!” Sam blurted out. And without giving Zacharias or Jesse a chance to ask any questions, he spilled out the whole story of the crazed old man, what they’d learned from him about Sophie’s parents being traitors, and how Sam had finally been forced to take the man down. He told his story in fitful spurts, hitting at loose boards on the porch. And when he could sit still no longer, he told it while pacing through the dew-soaked grass.
“After the last revolution, I swore I’d never kill again. But as soon as someone threatened Sophie, what did I do? I’ll never be fit to be around decent people. Love shouldn’t lead you to do such terrible things. A life is worth more than that. And I just snuffed it out with my bare hands. A human life is irreplaceable. You can’t make up for that loss to the human race as a whole. Nothing we would win is worth what it would cost us.”
When he finally paused for breath, Jesse asked, “Do you think all life is worth the same?”
“Jesse . . .” Z interrupted.
“No, let the man answer.”
“I’d like to think so,” Sam replied.
“I’d like to think a lot of things too. I’d like to think my children are coming back. But Simeon and the others like him made that impossible. And what do you think it would cost us in human life to leave someone like Simeon to carry out his horrific plans? He wants to round up the children, and he wants to execute us all. Those lives are irreplaceable as well.”
“I still say I don’t ever want to kill again. It changes you, robs you of a piece of your humanity—no matter who you’re killing—until eventually there’s nothing left.”
“I know what you mean, my boy. Believe me, I do. And maybe that’s part of the sacrifice we’ve been called upon to make. Have you noticed the leaves changing colors, son? In the middle of summer you would swear they’d be green forever. Nothing could change them. Then the temperature drops, the sun shifts in the sky, and suddenly the whole world looks different. We can’t be so sure of our own beliefs that we don’t notice the changes happening around us. If we don’t
rid this world of evil but allow it to flourish and take over . . . well, I sure don’t want to be the one responsible for that.”
“And how can I be responsible for making the choice of whether someone is good or bad?”
“None of us wants to kill. We try as hard as we can to win the fight without it. But we do what we have to do to protect the greater good. Sophie is part of your greater good, and you were protecting her.”
“How can I ever go back to her when we don’t even really know where we came from?”
“Pish tosh!”
“What?”
“I only met your Sophie once, and I know exactly what kind of person she is. I know you know her too and the real person she is. She didn’t know her parents were traitors, and even if she did, she can’t be held accountable for their actions. She loves you and your boy, Ethan. Nothing on this earth is worth more than that. Trust me. Now, I’ve said more than my piece.”
Jesse sat back down, suddenly aware that she’d been lecturing this young man she’d just met. What in heaven’s name would he think of her? Zacharias simply smiled at the woman he had missed like air when you’re underwater.
“Maybe you’re right,” Sam finally said in a calmer voice. The truth of her words washed over him like a cool summer shower on his hot cheeks.
“Of course she is!” Z chimed in. “Look, son, just preventing death—that’s not enough, is it? What are we doing to improve the quality of life? That’s the thing. Haven’t you felt that surviving, just staying alive, isn’t enough? Sometimes we have to remove evil in order to improve the quality of life for the whole human race.”
“I’ve tried so hard, Z, in my own way.”
“I know you have, my boy. You’ve been trying so hard to be perfect, for Gemma, for Ethan, then for Sophie. But we can’t be perfect. And this world we live in isn’t perfect. All we can do is try our best to be good. To give good an equal chance in the world. And you’re doing that.”
“I just wish I could wish it all away.”
“I know the feeling. I lived in that space for forty years. But what if we did wish it all away and were able to win our freedom by wishing? I wonder if we would even appreciate it.”
Zacharias placed his hand on the back of Sam’s neck and pulled him in for a rough embrace. “I’m going to send you home to Sophie now. Curfew or no curfew. You’ve been gone from home too long, and she and Ethan will be worried.”
“Thanks, you two. I’m glad you’re back, Jesse.” Sam stooped to kiss the old woman’s smooth cheek.
* * * * *
Daisy peeked her head around the corner of Gemma’s house. All was quiet inside. She could see a lamp burning at the kitchen table, and Gemma sitting within its glow. She couldn’t see Kyle anywhere, so ran quickly inside.
“Gemma! Z needs you to come to his house right now.”
“Daisy, sweetie, what is it? Is anything wrong? Is he hurt?” Gemma was on her feet immediately, her arms around the trembling Daisy.
“Not hurt. But there’s news. And Jesse came back.”
“Jesse?!”
“His wife. It was the first time I saw him smile.”
“Where did she come from?”
“The Forbidden Grounds. She overheard the Triumvirate’s plans, so we need you to come.”
“Slow down. Slow down.”
“Can’t slow down. We’ve got to go.”
“Alright, just give me a minute . . .”
“What’s all this?” Kyle was walking down the stairs. He had a strange look in his eye that frightened Daisy. Even though she’d never met him before, she disliked him immediately. “Going where?”
“Kyle, this is Daisy, one of the kids Zacharias adopted. She says he needs me.”
“Is he sick? Perhaps I should come with you.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary. If it turns out I need you, I can always send Daisy back.”
“Breaking curfew.”
Daisy felt Gemma’s body stiffen next to her. She felt something from her she’d never felt before. Gemma was afraid, something Daisy hadn’t thought possible. And more than that, she was afraid of her own husband. Daisy stood closer to her friend, squared her own shoulders, and looked directly into Kyle’s eyes. He would not see that she was also afraid, and if she could, she would try to cover Gemma’s fear.
“I think it’s a risk worth taking for Z,” Gemma continued.
“He asked me to come get her. Said she was the only one he wanted.”
“Well, if you really think it’s necessary . . .” Kyle seemed to hesitate.
“I do. I do.”
“Very well. When can I expect you back?”
“Tomorrow probably. It all depends.”
Kyle stared at the child holding Gemma’s hand, a child she had supposedly met only weeks before. “It’s nice to see that you two have gotten so close so quickly. You be sure to stick close to Gemma, young lady.”
“Yes, sir.”
Kyle patted Daisy on the shoulder and kissed Gemma’s cheek before allowing them to go on their way.
* * * * *
The journey back to Boswell brought Sam through the moonlit night and into the morning mist. He pulled his coat closer around him in the cool, damp air. All around him, the trees made their presence known with vibrant colors and the raining sound of the leaves. Yet Sam rushed on, not heeding their beauty. He knew Sophie would be worried.
From between two trees—a crooked but strong oak and a straight, white-limbed birch with yellow leaves brighter than the sunrise itself—a stranger stepped out to block Sam’s path. Sam instinctively reached for a gun he didn’t carry. Though the man wore the citizen-gray tunic, Sam recognized the imposing figure as Colonel Mark Goodson of the Corsairs.
“You’re Sam, aren’t you?” The colonel made a 360-degree survey around him, scanning for other soldiers.
“You know I am, Colonel Goodson.”
“Then you know me?”
“I know who you are, yes.” Sam’s voice was tense and shook with the chill. He had once hoped this colonel would have been an ally when he saw him stop a flogging. But when he failed to stop the last round of public executions, Sam had categorized him with all of the other Corsairs.
“I’m a friend of Kyle’s,” Mark continued.
“That doesn’t improve my opinion of you . . . sir.”
“None of that ‘sir’ business, here, Sam. Today, I’m just a citizen like you.”
“Not likely. What do you want?”
“I’ve come to warn you. On orders from the Triumvirate, soldiers will be coming to collect all of the children.” Mark waited for a reaction, but Sam’s face was inscrutable. “You’ve already heard about this, apparently. But what you don’t know is that General Drape has given me specific orders to do away with them. All of them.”
Sam started forward, fists clenched, and stood threateningly close to Colonel Goodson, close enough that he could smell the forest on him. He looked deep within his eyes, trying to find truth or a lie, but didn’t know if he could trust what he saw there.
“If you can’t get word to all the families with children in time—and I sincerely doubt you can—I can tell you where the children will be held so they may be rescued.”
“Why should I believe you? This could be a trap.”
“You’re just going to have to trust me, Sam.”
“There’s no such thing anymore.”
Mark decided to trade in the last chip he was holding. “Did the old woman find Zacharias?”
Sam looked genuinely surprised at this. “How do you know about her?”
“I let her through the Border. I’ve been trying to tell you, Sam. I’m on your side. Who do you think has been getting the information to the Watch all this time?”
Sam still didn’t trust it. He could be trying to catch him admitting to some offense. “How can I trust you, or anyone for that matter, in the midst of this war?”
“War? Sam, there is no war!”
“What do you mean? Of course there is.”
“There was never going to be another war. The Triumvirate wouldn’t allow it. Haven’t you figured out yet where you are?”
Sam looked confused. His head was spinning. He couldn’t seem to process all of the new information that was being heaped upon him.
“You’re in a prison camp, all of you that are left. Everything within the borders is a prison.”
“All of the towns?”
“There’s only Jesse’s Hollow and Boswell left.”
“That’s crazy. Now I know you’re lying. I’ve seen the other towns. At least seven of them.”
“The people in the other towns were already taken away.”
Sam felt his chest cave in with the blow. He thought of the hundreds of people in those other towns. People he’d taken photographs of and traded with on Market Days.
“Do you understand now? No one knows you’re here except the Corsairs. No one is coming to save you! And your execution date is set. But the children will be taken first, so we have to work fast.”
Sam put his hand to his throbbing head, hot despite the chill, but nodded in agreement. “I don’t understand,” he finally spoke. “Why are we in prison? Why even the children?”
“Revolutionaries and children of revolutionaries. All who fought in the revolutions or were descended from them were sent here.”
“But we came here ourselves. Zacharias found and renamed Jesse’s Hollow when they first settled here.”
“That’s what the Triumvirate would have you believe. Fires and battles were strategically placed to move you all to this place. Then the Border went up. It was as simple as that.”
“It still doesn’t explain why. Why not just kill us? Why continue this ridiculous charade?”
“We have no time for this. The soldiers are on the move as we speak. They will take the children to the old lumber mill in the Forbidden Grounds. This is where the bodies have been disposed of in the incinerator before this. But my men will be there with orders to hold the children in the facility and to burn slaughtered deer in their place to fool General Drape—he’s always eager to watch the sky for the smoke of the incinerator. You must warn as many people as you can before the children are taken, but for those you can’t reach in time, you must bring a group from the Watch to rescue the rest. Tomorrow only, there will be no guard at the guard station nearest the lumber mill. If you don’t make the rescue tomorrow, there’s nothing else I can do for you. I worry about how long we can safely keep them in the facility. Do you understand?”
A Light From the Ashes Page 37