“Nah, thanks,” he grumbled under his breath.
“You need to get something into you. When’s the last time you ate?”
“I don’t know.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“What?” The question caught him off guard. Sophie was the only person who ever asked him that.
“You’re sitting there staring at the grains in the wood as if they’re trying to attack you. You must be thinking something.”
“I was wondering why they went after the children, and why did they go to our house first.”
“You think there was a plan beyond what I heard from the Triumvirate?”
He got up and started pacing around the room again. “I mean what if it’s more than a general plan? What if it’s something to do with me? Kyle said they’d been following me. Why me? Why not someone in the Watch?”
“Do you think they could have been baiting you . . . using the children to draw you out?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know! But if they were, it worked, and I played right into their hands. I’ve been such an idiot.”
“Now, I can’t let you get away with that.”
“Why not? It’s true. I’ve ruined everything I’ve touched since I came back a year ago. She would have been better off if I’d just stayed out of her life. She’s going to have my child, and I let her jump over a cliff.”
“Now, now. From what I hear, you saved that girl’s life and her reason. Who’s to say if she’d even still be alive today if you hadn’t been there to pick up the pieces?”
Jesse had left the kitchen and stood directly in front of Sam in the middle of the room, preventing anymore pacing. The floor was scattered with the few toys and belongings the twins and Daisy had brought with them. They could hear all three of them playing out by the stream with Zacharias, all the children except Ethan, who was sleeping in the back room.
Sam bowed his head, looking as if he were about to confess a dark sin. But all he said was, “I love her, Jesse. I love her more than my own life. I have to know what happened to her.”
“I know. Believe me, my boy, I know how you feel. You’ve lived in fear and grief for so much of your life. And the minute you think you’ve found something permanent, some kind of family, the Corsairs come in and take it away. Thinking about all the possibilities of what could have happened to Sophie, your child, and Gemma play over and over again in different iterations in your head until you think you’ll go mad. Playing through the scenarios takes up so much of your thoughts that there’s no room for anything or anyone else. Right?”
“Yes,” he said with surprise and a hint of relief in his voice.
“But there’s someone else you’ve got to make place for in your mind and heart. Ethan is in trouble. More than you, maybe, because he’s only a young boy. He’s feeling the loss of Sophie too, but also he had to lose his own mother again. Think back, son. I know you know what he’s going through. Try to think of what you needed at that time of your life. That’s what he needs now. From you.”
“I can’t help him. I can’t even help myself.”
“Yes, you can. And you must. I believe Sophie is still alive. And you’ve got to help him find hope in that.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it will be best for the boy if we go on as if she’s . . .”
“You can’t even say it.”
“It’s been days, Jesse! If she were going to come back, she’d be back by now. They’re both gone. I never should have let Gemma be the one to go after her.”
“You’ll never heal or help Ethan heal if you keep beating yourself up for past decisions. Guilt will rip through you like wildfire, and it will destroy everything good that’s left, including your son. You’ve heard me talk about ripples and how they spread. Just like ripples in water spread, so does fire. A fire may begin in one part of the house or town, but you’ll find smoke and soon little flames farther away than you thought it could jump. You’ve got to control it now at its source.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Just think of Ethan as the little boy you once were. You’ll know what to do.”
Sam looked toward the back-bedroom doorway to where Ethan slept. He looked back at Jesse’s expectant face. In the end, he retreated to the outdoors, the place he could find a semblance of peace.
Sighing at her apparent failure, Jesse moved toward the bedroom. She thought she heard stirring inside.
“Ethan, sweetie, you awake?” she whispered from the doorway. The door itself long gone and canvas hung where the walls used to be.
No answer. She ventured in a little further, seeing him tumble and flail on the bed, grunting and crying out every few seconds. Sitting softly on the bed next to him, Jesse tried to calm without waking him. She ran the back of her fingers along his cheek, humming the tunes of her own mother’s comforting. His nightmare dragged on until it had spun itself out. He woke with a start, nearly striking Jesse across the face with his thrashing arm. But she was too quick for him and caught him by the wrist.
“It’s alright. It’s alright, Ethan. It’s only me. It’s Jesse, my boy. You were having a nightmare.”
He looked in horror at his arm she was still holding as if she were holding a snake before him. Realizing what he’d almost done, he broke down in tears on her lap. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He repeated his stifled, sobbing apologies into the apron at her waist.
“You didn’t. Ethan, there’s been no harm. Hush now.” She stroked his hair, whispering softly her soothing words.
When he was calmer, he sat up, looking into Jesse’s open face for answers she didn’t have.
“Can I get you some water or something to eat?”
He shook his head, wiping tears and running nose roughly with the back of his hand.
“Do you want to talk?”
“What about?”
“Anything. About what you’re feeling or thinking?”
“What’s the point?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean everyone I talk to or get close to goes away. So if I talk to you about how I feel, maybe you’ll go away too.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“You don’t know that,” he said quietly.
“You’re right. I don’t know that for sure. I was just saying what I hope.”
“I used to hope a lot of things.”
“And you don’t now?”
“I’ve got to go check on Sam.” Ethan tried to get up from the bed but was stopped by Jesse’s surprisingly strong arms. She wasn’t as frail as she looked.
“Hang on there. Not so fast. Sam is a grown man and can take care of himself. Maybe it’s time you let someone take care of you.”
“It’s my job to help him.”
“Not anymore.”
“No, it is. You don’t understand.”
“Help me understand.”
Ethan sighed and began slowly. “When he found out Gemma married Kyle, he went up into the mountains, and he almost died. I think he would have died if I hadn’t found him. So I’ve been taking care of him ever since. Sophie helps. Or she did. But now it’s just me and Sam again, and I have to help him. I have to be brave for him.”
“Sophie may still return. But Ethan, you’ve been brave enough, my boy. It’s his turn.”
“I can’t lose him, too.” He was visibly trying to still his quivering lip, wiping again at his face, seemingly annoyed by the tears determined to fall. He’s such a little boy still, Jesse thought, trying so hard to be a man. In her mind she saw a parade of silent children standing upright as adults, children who had lost their childhoods. Too many.
“What terrible things those young eyes must have seen.” Her hand was again on his cheek, wet now with tears. “Blue eyes. I wouldn’t have expected that with such dark hair.”
“My mother’s eyes were blue.”
“So they were. So they were. Did you know I met your mother o
nce?”
Ethan sat up, interested. “Really?”
“It’s true. We were both in the Forbidden Grounds. She said she had a boy.”
“What did she say about me?” Ethan leaned forward, hungry for any scrap of information about his mother.
“She said she was proud of you and hoped you had found another family to take care of you.”
Ethan looked down at his hands.
“I’ll tell you a story, shall I?”
He nodded.
“There was one day in particular in the Forbidden Grounds that was extremely hard for me. I remember it was about the time of year of my own little boy’s birthday. Max. I was out in the forest walking along these old railroad tracks. Do you know what those are?”
“Sam and I have seen them.”
“Yes, well, these old tracks were covered with moss and underbrush. Ferns and things seemed to be sprouting from the railroad ties themselves. And they just went on and on. It seemed like there was no end. And I was thinking that’s how my life felt. Just this endless monotony of days blending into days, all looking the same without my children there to brighten even a moment. Always wondering what happened to them. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. But coming over a hill along this track was a woman with bright-red hair.”
“My mother.”
“Your mother. She came and talked to me for a while. Spent the day. She made that day stand out. A bright spot among all the other days that had just looked the same. She saved me, I think. At least made me a little less sad.”
“I’m not just sad.”
“Oh?”
“I’m angry.”
“At what?”
“Angry at the Corsairs for shooting her. Angry at myself for not being able to save her. Angry at her for not being able to find me.” He lowered his voice to almost a whisper, barely able to get the words out. “Even a little angry at you and anyone else who got to spend time with her.”
“It makes sense. And I felt the same way after I lost my babies.”
“Will it always hurt like this?”
“You will always have the pain with you like a stone you carry in your pocket. But you will gain strength from the carrying. And eventually, it will get easier. I will say this, though, my boy. And mind me well. Soon you will learn that love is the only thing that will truly help you heal.”
Ethan reached out his young hand to take Jesse’s wrinkled one. In that moment, there was no difference between their souls. Old and young alike met each other, making no other words necessary.
“Come on, then,” she said more lightly than she felt. “Let’s go outside with the other kids. I think Sam’s out there too.”
Sam sat on an old tree stump just outside the cabin door, whittling sticks on each end with his pocketknife. A pile of shavings swirled around his feet. His knife was sharp enough that each swipe along the stick flowed smoothly down and away from him, no breaks, no stops until he’d come to the end of the stick.
“What’cha doing?” Ethan asked, placing his hand on Sam’s shoulder as he looked on. It was the first time they’d spoken since they had returned from the mill.
“I’m going to set some bear traps around the cabin.”
“Bears?! I thought you said they were extinct.”
“We believe they are extinct, yes.”
“Then why the traps?”
“Well, we might catch other things with the traps. And you sometimes have to be prepared for the things you don’t see coming.”
“How can you know how to be prepared for something if you don’t see it coming?”
Another swipe of the knife. “Honestly, I don’t know, son.”
“How will it work?”
“We’ll dig a shallow hole about the size of a bear’s paw and jab these sticks in a circle around the sides of the hole kind of like spokes, see?” Sam demonstrated on the ground, placing the sticks in a circle. “The bear or moose comes along, steps in the hole, and the sticks catch on its paw, and he can’t get out.”
“Why the traps, Sam? You don’t kill animals. Not even squirrels.”
“Like I said, maybe we’ll catch something besides a bear.” Sam didn’t look up from his whittling.
Ethan knew then the only animals Sam wanted to catch were Corsairs. But he didn’t say what he knew. “Well, I think it will be a great trap.”
“Thanks. Why don’t you run on and find Daisy?”
“The twins said she went out to find a blackberry bush.”
Petal called from the stream, “Ethan, that was supposed to be a surprise!”
“We’ll pretend to be surprised, eh?” Sam winked at Ethan. “Meanwhile, you can come with me to set these traps, if you want. Maybe bring the camera. Take some pictures?”
Ethan’s tentative smile was answer enough.
* * * * *
Daisy could see the low, creeping bushes spreading out from the bank of the river. She picked her way carefully to avoid the jagged thorns. She couldn’t believe the birds had left so many berries on the bushes this late in the year. Usually, they’d all be gone. But here she gazed at a mass of ripe blackberries dripping from the gray-green vines, almost touching the ground with their heavy load. There would be a feast in the cabin tonight. After all that had happened in the past few days, Daisy was happy to find a little pocket of joy to bring her friends. Ethan, especially, needed to have his spirits lifted.
Still not knowing where Gemma was, Daisy was worried herself. But she had complete faith in Gemma’s ability to get through any trouble or danger. Hadn’t she taught her all the self-defense moves and means of escape? It was maybe taking longer to get back this time, but if Gemma said she’d come back, she would. Daisy was sure. She just had to be patient and distract herself with the little tasks around the cabin and finding special surprises like these blackberries.
“Hey, kid.”
Daisy whirled around. Hearing Gemma’s familiar greeting come from a male voice startled her. Kyle stood before her in his old citizen’s garb of gray tunic and gray coat, but still wore the black Corsair boots over his trousers. She hadn’t heard him approach.
“Hello, sir.”
“Now, you don’t have to call me sir. We’re old friends. I’m Gemma’s husband, remember? You came to my house one day. So you can call me Kyle.”
“Yes, sir . . . Kyle.”
“That’s right. Looks like you’ve got quite a lot of berries there. Need any help?”
Daisy held the berries in an upturned apron around her waist. “I don’t think so. But thanks. I was just picking them for some friends. What are you doing out here?” She turned the conversation around, putting Kyle on the defensive. Always keep your enemy guessing, don’t let them anticipate your next move. If you can, get them talking about themselves, Gemma had said.
“Well, you know, I was hoping you could help me find another friend of yours from the Watch. Foxglove? I really need to talk to her.”
“Sounds like a silly name to me. I don’t know any Foxglove.”
“No? I thought sure you did. At least that’s what Sam told me.”
“You know Sam?”
Kyle began picking berries from the bushes, popping them into his mouth one after another as he talked. “Oh, sure. We were kids together. Best friends, really. So, what do you say? Can you help me find Foxglove?”
“I don’t know Foxglove. Sure is a silly name, though. And I should really be getting back.”
“Come on, now. Lots of people in the Watch have silly names, don’t they? I bet you’ve seen them on the notes you deliver to Cypress, Oak, Tower.” He took a step closer to Daisy, reaching behind her for some hard to reach berries.
Daisy started to shake, recognizing the names of the members of the Watch who had been killed recently.
“It’s alright, Daisy. You have nothing to fear from me. I won’t hurt you, I promise. I just need to give Foxglove a message.”
Daisy’s head was spinning. She always tried to follo
w her instincts about people. His voice sounded sincere. And he was Gemma’s husband, after all. But all of the leaders of the Watch were dead, and now Kyle was looking for Foxglove, her Gemma. It couldn’t be a coincidence. “Well, if you give me the message, maybe I could find someone who knows this Foxglove.” Let them think you’re playing into their hands. Let them think you’ll help them until you can get away.
“No, I really must give it to Foxglove personally. It’s really important.”
“I’m sorry, Kyle. I don’t know who or where she is, but I’ve got to get back for dinner now. Z will be looking for me.”
Another step forward. Kyle was now only inches away from her. “She . . . so you know it’s a woman. You really do know who she is, don’t you?”
“You said ‘her’ earlier. Goodbye, now.” Daisy started making her way along the riverbank again, pushing past Kyle as he was trying to block her way. She’d go in the river if she had to, no matter how cold it was.
Kyle grabbed at her, his fingers curling around her thin arm. “No, wait!”
* * * * *
As Sam and Ethan made a wide circle around the cabin setting the traps Sam had prepared, a thick gray fog was rolling down from the mountains, settling over the river. The wind poured in with it, rustling fallen leaves in the mist in a red, orange, and brown soup as high as Ethan’s shoulders. A silence settled over the forest as thick as the fog, and as disconcerting. Sam worried when the birds stopped singing their evening melodies.
“It feels strange out here,” Ethan ventured. “How far are we from the cabin? I can’t see it anymore.” He was looking around him, obviously disoriented.
“Not far.”
“Do you feel it, Sam?”
“I’m not sure what it is I feel.”
Ethan thought of the weeks Sam had spent in the mountains. He thought of the days they spent not speaking since they’d returned from across the Border. Sam didn’t need words to convey his fears about Sophie’s and Gemma’s fates. Ethan just knew. “They’re coming back, Sam. Sophie is going to come back.”
“We don’t know that for sure. It’s not helpful for us to believe in stories and fairy-tales.”
A Light From the Ashes Page 43