by Penn Rivers
I’d done good hiding this time.
No one at work had my address. Not even Vanillope. And they didn’t have my real phone number. If anyone came asking about me, none of the neighbors or my coworkers would have a thing to tell.
And if I wanted to disappear again, none of them would ever know how to find me. I was a phantom. Inconsequential. Insignificant. Practically vapor.
Until tonight. Until I’d let Kane reach inside to my heart and clamp his fist around it.
Now I wanted more with him. More would make me important. It would make me substantial. It would anchor me to this spot in the world. To this city. To The Sassy Sapphire. To him.
And it would anchor Noah. Which sounded nice until the day our danger caught up to us. Then what? Then we’d be forced to leave, and he’d be ripped from whatever normalcy he’d grown used to.
Just like the last time Rafe found us. I was greener then, not as careful as I was now. But still, this was a cycle I couldn’t seem to break
The tragedy of our situation settled over me like an unfathomable weight.
Noah would always be at risk of losing his security. This running would never end as long as we were still being hunted.
His father was a predator, and we… we were his prey. The gazelle might outsmart the lion for a time, but it didn’t mean she couldn’t be caught. Luck ran out. Wits became useless. These things happened all the time, and they would happen to us.
Eventually.
Pulling into the lot of our shoddy apartments, I picked a spot farthest from the road. It allowed me a quick run to the door and meant Charley was hidden behind an old Ford two-ton. Turning off the car, I rested my head on the steering wheel, determined to pull all my rattled emotions back in before I stepped inside to see my family.
My chest throbbed, remembering what Kane had done to me in the Champagne room. The things he’d said. The promise in his kiss. The burning behind his eyes when he watched me dance. The muted pain there anytime I tried to see past the surface. The way his body felt melded against mine. His hands, so sure, so urgent. And gentle afterward.
He was hard candy with a soft center. Strong and tender. The sexiest effing combination.
“Ughh, Kane.”
He didn’t know what he was getting into with me. He had no idea. I wasn’t a rose, carrying the occasional thorn. I was a goddamn thistle. Whether Rafe discovered our connection or whether I had to run… it wasn’t going to be pretty. And goddamn it, hurting him felt like ripping out a piece of my heart.
A piece I didn’t even know existed anymore.
The part that was able to feel a deep connection with a man. Feel safe with a man.
The idea of Kane being hurt burned me. I’d seen the barest hint of it in the way he looked after our interlude in the private room. I’d never been good at hiding my trepidation. But it wasn’t for what we’d done. God, the things he’d done to me against the wall… I had no shame over that. No, my only regret was because what we did cemented us. We’d both confessed things in the Champagne room. And if we were doing this… if he was going to be part of my life… if I was going to let him…
A growl of frustration crawled up my throat as I pressed back into the headrest.
Kane being part of my life felt like I was taking something from him. Taking when I wished I was giving. How could we move forward?
I pulled my keys from the ignition, dug through the glovebox, retrieving the paperwork for the car repairs, and prepared to run for the door of apartment 14. I scanned the lot. Every nook and shadow. But all was quiet. It was early morning enough no one was awake and the night owls had all tucked away.
I hurried across the sidewalk to rap on the door. Two long knocks followed by a short one, then another long. It was our code. Only I knocked like that. Anyone else at the door got ignored.
Through the thin wood, I heard mama rushing to unlatch all the safety chains we’d added when we moved in. Next came the deadbolt, and finally the lock on the knob.
When the door was free, I pushed inside. The place was quiet with Noah still in bed. It was our habit to have breakfast before mom watched him so I could sleep a few hours. Then we’d have playtime and eat dinner before I was off to work again. I loved our little ritual even if it was by necessity. But this morning I was especially tired. I’d given up yesterday’s sleep to bus out to the junkyard and grab the battery.
The one I didn’t need. Because Kane had fixed my car.
Sweet brutal man.
My heart pounded at the memory of what he’d done for me. My thoughtful protector. His gesture made me want to smile. But that feeling was quickly followed by the reminder that what he’d done still might have repercussions.
Mom took my bag and reached in for a hug.
“Jemina.” Hearing my full name felt like a twist of the knife already in my heart, but I hugged her close anyways. She didn’t know the name I could once use freely hurt me now. “You’re home early. How was your night?”
I blushed at her question and hoped she didn’t notice in the dim light of the single lamp we owned.
“Fine, mama. Just fine. How was yours?”
She was still in her robe, and looked extra tired around the eyes. I hoped Noah hadn’t been too much of a handful.
“The baby had nightmares again. He cried much of the night. On and off.” She sighed, giving me her small smile that said, you win some, you lose some.
“Sorry, mama.”
Her eyes went sad, but it only lasted for a moment. She reached her hand, chapped from cleaning too much, up to my cheek, patting it the way she used to when I was younger.
“No sorries, Mina. You’re doing your best. I know.”
She turned for the little stackable washer and dryer off the side of the kitchen, and started dumping the contents of my bag into it. I said a quick prayer of thanks that I’d left my leather outfit in the locker at work. It needed dry cleaning, which Marco kindly offered as a perk.
Adding detergent and a capful of white vinegar to get rid of the smoke, she set them to wash and hung my bag on the hook beside the washer.
“There.” She pulled her robe tighter around her. “You go on and shower. We’ll wake Noah up when you’re done.”
“Thanks, mama.”
She nodded her you’re welcome, but I couldn’t walk away. Something deep and aching made me stay, staring at her, like a lost little girl. Lost inside.
“What is it?” Her tired smile flipped to a concerned frown.
“Nothing,” I whispered, but tears had collected in my eyes and threatened to tumble over onto my cheek.
“Mina, what? Tell me.”
I looked around at the broken cabinets and holes in the linoleum floor. She’d left the home she owned in Texas to come with me. It had a pool and big open windows in the back. She deserved better than this.
I thought of the carpet in Noah’s bedroom. No amount of vacuuming could get it clean enough. We’d thrown down rugs for him when we moved in. But he deserved better. He should get to roll around on a clean floor like any other kid.
“I’m just tired of my actions hurting people. I made a mistake with Rafe. But it hurts so many people. One little mistake, and everyone I love pays. How is that fair? And I keep trying to make it better, mama, but things don’t get better for us.” I knew I was whining. But I was strong ninety-nine percent of the time. Right now, I just couldn’t be. “When will we be free of this. Of him?”
She sighed, her eyes twinkling with love. Love that I always questioned whether I deserved.
That was the problem, wasn’t it? I knew everyone else deserved better, but I couldn’t see how maybe I did too.
“Life isn’t fair, my girl. Life is a bastard. It will take your mistakes and rub your face all in them, and laugh while doing it. But you have to rise above it. Rise above your mistakes and find a way to smile. Just one smile each day. You do that, and you’ll make it through. Find one reason to smile, Jemina. And never give up. Thing
s will get better. You’ll see.”
Tears cascaded now, unbridled down my cheeks. I could cry here, with mama. I could let it all out. Just for a few minutes. Because I had smiled tonight. I’d smiled more than once, with Kane. And that had to mean something.
I nodded and she squeezed my hand, letting me know she was with me always. Did she even know the ways she kept me going? The ways she’d made me stronger?
“Go clean up, Mina. You have a boy to cuddle before you go to bed. He needs his mama this morning.”
She was right. Some time with Noah was exactly what I needed too.
Drying my tears, I made my way down the thin hallway to the master bedroom. It was cracker box sized as far as rooms go, but it had a clean bed and an attached shower.
Head foggy, I undressed and stood under the faucet, not waiting for it to fully heat up. Washing off the smell of the club was top priority.
As the water poured over me, I focused on my mother’s words.
She was right. I learned a long time ago, she usually was.
The way you got past your past was to simply keeping going. Keep moving forward. But how to do that, and still make sure Rafe wasn’t on our tails?
The son-of-a-bitch was still controlling us. I’d left him, but in no way had I escaped. Living the way we were wasn’t really living. But I had control over that. Didn’t I? A little?
Maybe it was time to put more effort into being happy. Move out of the darkness and into the light. Stop hiding so much that we weren’t living. Maybe it was time for putting down anchors.
I cranked off the water and stepped from the shower feeling lighter, and toweled off before wrapping it around my hair. I drew in a deep breath, letting good things in, like mama said.
My whole body relaxed. And for a few sweet minutes, I didn’t fret about the car or who might have seen me driving it. I didn’t worry about work or if Noah would one day understand the club wasn’t quite a restaurant. I didn’t ask myself five times if I’d remembered to lock everything.
I just… existed. In a moment that didn’t hurt my chest. Didn’t bathe me in fear.
And I smiled. To myself. For the things I should be happy about. For Kane’s touches. His help with the car. His thoughtfulness. For Noah and my mother. For her strength and his innocence. For my job, because it was the best I could hope for, and it had done well by me. It gave me friends like Penelope.
I stared into the fog covered mirror, not bothering to wipe it clean. I watched the blurry figure. Lighter skin and dark hair. Dark orbs where my eyes were, and a pinkish half-moon curve where my mouth was.
It wasn’t Gemma and it wasn’t Mina.
It was both.
The girl who’d trusted the wrong man with her heart, lost everything but her mother and son, and fought for a chance to start over.
And the girl who wanted to trust the right man, who loved her son hard enough to break herself to defend him. Who struggled to rebuild every damn thing. Who wanted to share, and be safe, and… heal.
I was both.
I was my past and my present, and damn, even my future. But I’d only get that last part if I kept moving forward.
The blurry half-moon in the mirror curved even harder as my smile grew.
Moving forward was exactly what I was going to do. And I was going to keep going until this kind of smile was possible always. Until Noah didn’t have nightmares. Until mama didn’t have to work so hard.
Stepping into my room, I snagged the tiny notebook sized laptop I’d bought from the pawn shop down the street. It worked good enough, and the apartments offered free wi-fi so nothing I did online could be traced back to me.
I combed through my wet hair as I waited for it to boot up, and pulled on some comfy sweats and a t-shirt.
I checked my email since I’d been waiting for Noah’s doctor to respond to a question I had about his night terrors. But the only message in my inbox was from a name I didn’t recognize.
U. Kentyde
Subject line: Read Now
I blinked at the message. U. Kentyde.
Assuming it was a scammy message telling me I’d won a fortune, I hovered over the delete button, ready to send it to the trash. I’d need to scrub this computer for sneaky email stealing programs and get a new address, stat.
But instinct stopped me. A foreboding deep down kept my finger from clicking the button. Something about the name. Unfamiliar as it was, it sent a chill snaking along my spine.
Read now…
I scrolled over the link and clicked, opening the message, heart in my throat.
I know where you work, and it’s only a matter of time before I find where you live. Then I’m coming for you, coming for my boy, coming for what’s mine.
With a gasp, I dropped the computer to the bed, backing away until my shoulders hit the wall. I stood molded to the paneling as panic clawed my chest and my mind scrambled for an explanation.
Rafe. He’d found me.
Had my email address.
Coming for what’s mine. I wasn’t his anymore. I’d always hated being called that, hated the way Rafe used the word, like I was property.
You’re mine, Mina. You’ll do as I say.
She’s mine, if I say hit her, you fucking hit her.
Mine to do what I want with.
Now be good and don’t embarrass me, because you’re mine.
Mine, mine, mine, and you’ll never be anything else.
The word was so poisoned for me I’d even flinched when Kane said it in the Champagne room. A snap reaction that had wounded him. But with Kane, it felt different. Not ownership, not a power trip. But pride and reverence. With Kane, it felt like being his meant being treasured.
Mine, mine.
I wasn’t Rafe’s. I was damn sure of that much.
Darting forward, I slammed the laptop closed, unplugging it from the wall, and ran with it to the bathroom. I dumped it into the shower and turned the faucet to full blast.
Rafe had found me.
He’s got us.
We were in danger. I was. Noah was. My mother was.
I spun in the small bathroom, facing each of the four walls before I realized neither of them could offer a way out. There was no way out. Not out of the bathroom, but out of this mess. There was no way out of our past. No way to escape.
I’ll always find you. Rafe’s words were forever marked in my mind.
U. Kentyde
You can’t hide.
I’ll always find you.
I braced my hands on the sink, forcing myself to calm. Air was elusive, and I couldn’t think of a solution if I passed out from lack of oxygen. You had to be conscious to come up with a plan. That was pretty standard.
Dragging breath into my lungs, I used the sink drain as a focal point. One, two, three, four, breathe. One, two, three, four, breathe.
I found my reflection in the mirror. It was less blurry than before. More definitely Gemma. The girl who was hiding. Who’d be hiding forever.
“Shit. No.”
One, two, three, four, breathe.
Think. Think.
We could run again. I could have this place packed and ready to go in a couple hours. Be on the road to another life. Pay some seedy asshole for new identities.
But Noah was happy here. He loved his room, his cars. Loved Mal’s pancakes. We were making our way. I had a job. Stable income. I could take care of us here. And uprooting mama…
The idea of starting over again made my stomach heave.
Our life was here.
Kane. Kane was here.
Everything I wanted was here.
Except my freedom.
I closed my eyes, shutting out the reflection of myself. Of Gem. Or Mina. Or… Jemina. And replayed the email in my head.
I know where you work, and it’s only a matter of time before I find where you live.
That. That was it.
My eyes snapped open and found the eyes of my reflection. They were blurry, but clear
ing as the bathroom warmed from the shower.
Rafe had found me.
Not Noah, and not mama. He knew where I worked… he didn’t know where I lived. He didn’t know this safe haven we’d created for ourselves. That made all the difference. It meant Noah wasn’t compromised. Not yet.
And as long as I didn’t lead Rafe here, he’d never find them.
A plan formed in my mind. It wasn’t a permanent solution, or even a good temporary one probably, but it would keep my family safe until I could come up with something better.
I ran from the bathroom, charging down the hall to the kitchen. I bypassed mama where she was starting breakfast.
“Mina?”
Yanking my bag off the hook by the washer, I rummaged through it until I found the paperwork from the glovebox. My hands shook as I unfolded it, scanning the page for a certain phone number.
Relief slammed me when I found the line with Kane’s name, and next to it, ten little beautiful numbers.
“Mina, what’s wrong?”
“Trouble, mama. But I’m going to fix it. Wake Noah up for me.”
I rushed past her, back to the bedroom to get my cell phone. One last call to make on it before it joined the computer for a watery death at the bottom of my shower.
My fingers refused to cooperate as I attempted to tap the numbers out on the keypad. I had to start over twice, but finally the phone was ringing. I pressed it against my ear hard enough to make it hurt.
“Come on, come on…”
Two more rings and his rough voice answered. “Hello?”
“Kane. It’s me. Gemma.”
The squeak of a mattress echoed through the receiver, and I could imagine him sitting on the side of his bed.
“Gemma.” My name on his lips rumbled through me, and I closed my eyes, drawing strength from it. “You sound wrong. Is everything okay?”
It was do or die time.
“You said you wanted every bit of my messy life. You said you wanted in. Is that still true?”
“Yes.”
Relief leaked out of me so fast I struggled to hold in the sob attached to it.
He didn’t hesitate. But still, I had to be clear.
“Y-You sure? Like, very sure? Because there are bad things, Okay. Things that—”