by T. Smollett
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
ONE QUARREL IS COMPROMISED, AND ANOTHER DECIDED BY UNUSUAL ARMS.
Among other topics of conversation that were discussed at this genialmeeting, Sir Mungo's scheme was brought upon the carpet by his majesty,who was graciously pleased to ask how his subscription filled? To thisinterrogation the knight answered, that he met with great opposition froma spirit of levity and self-conceit, which seemed to prevail in thisgeneration, but that no difficulties should discourage him frompersevering in his duty; and he trusted in God, that, in a very littletime, he should be able to confute and overthrow the false philosophy ofthe moderns, and to restore the writings of Moses to that pre-eminenceand veneration which is due to an inspired author. He spoke of theimmortal Newton with infinite contempt, and undertook to extract from thePentateuch a system of chronology which would ascertain the progress oftime since the fourth day of the creation to the present hour, with suchexactness, that not one vibration of a pendulum should be lost; nay, heaffirmed that the perfection of all arts and sciences might be attainedby studying these secret memoirs, and that he himself did not despair oflearning from them the art of transmuting baser metals into gold.
The chevalier, though he did not pretend to contradict these assertions,was too much attached to his own religion to acquiesce in the knight'sproject of converting the Jews and the Gentiles to the Protestant heresy,which, he said, God Almighty would never suffer to triumph over theinterests of his own Holy Catholic Church. This objection producedabundance of altercation between two very unequal disputants; and theFrenchman, finding himself puzzled by the learning of his antagonist, hadrecourse to the argumentum ad hominem, by laying his hand upon his sword,and declaring that he was ready to lose the last drop of his blood inopposition to such a damnable scheme.
Sir Mungo, though in all appearance reduced to the last stage of animalexistence, no sooner heard this epithet applied to his plan, than hiseyes gleamed like lightning, he sprung from his seat with the agility ofa grasshopper, and, darting himself out at the door like an arrow from abow, reappeared in a moment with a long rusty weapon, which might havebeen shown among a collection of rarities as the sword of Guy Earl ofWarwick. This implement he brandished over the chevalier's head with thedexterity of an old prize-fighter, exclaiming, in the French language,"Thou art a profane wretch marked out for the vengeance of Heaven, whoseunworthy minister I am, and here thou shalt fall by the sword of the Lordand of Gideon."
The chevalier, unterrified by this dreadful salutation, desired he wouldaccompany him to a more convenient place; and the world might have beendeprived of one or both these knights-errant, had not General Macleaver,at the desire of his majesty, interposed, and found means to bringmatters to an accommodation.
In the afternoon the society was visited by the major's cousin and herdaughters, who no sooner appeared than they were recognised by ouradventurer, and his acquaintance with them renewed in such a manner asalarmed the delicacy of Captain Minikin, who in the evening repaired tothe Count's apartment, and with a formal physiognomy, accosted him inthese words: "Sir, I beg pardon for this intrusion, but I come to consultyou about an affair in which my honour is concerned; and a soldierwithout honour, you know, is no better than a body without a soul. Ihave always admired that speech of Hotspur in the first part of Henry theFourth:
By Heaven, methinks it were an easy leap, To pluck bright honour from the pale-fac'd moon; Or dive into the bottom of the deep, Where fathom-line could never touch the ground, And pluck up drowned honour by the locks--
"There is a boldness and ease in the expression, and the images are verypicturesque. But, without any further preamble, pray, sir, give me leaveto ask how long you have been acquainted with those ladies who drank teawith us this afternoon. You'll forgive the question, sir, when I tellyou that Major Macleaver introduced Mrs. Minikin to them as to ladies ofcharacter, and, I don't know how, sir, I have a sort of presentiment thatmy wife has been imposed upon. Perhaps I may be mistaken, and God grantI may. But there was a je ne sais quoi in their behaviour to-day, whichbegins to alarm my suspicion. Sir, I have nothing but my reputation todepend upon, and I hope you will excuse me, when I earnestly beg to knowwhat rank they maintain in life."
Fathom, without minding the consequence, told him, with a simper, that heknew them to be very good-natured ladies, who devoted themselves to thehappiness of mankind. This explanation had no sooner escaped from hislips, than the captain's face began to glow with indignation, his eyesseemed bursting from their spheres, he swelled to twice his naturaldimensions, and, raising himself on his tiptoes, pronounced, in a strainthat emulated thunder, "Blood! sir, you seem to make very light of thematter, but it is no joke to me, I'll assure you, and Macleaver shall seethat I am not to be affronted with impunity. Sir, I shall take it as asingular favour if you will be the bearer of a billet to him, which Ishall write in three words; nay, sir, you must give me leave to insistupon it, as you are the only gentleman of our mess whom I can intrustwith an affair of this nature."
Fathom, rather than run the risk of disobliging such a punctiliouswarrior, after having in vain attempted to dissuade him from his purpose,undertook to carry the challenge, which was immediately penned in thesewords:
"SIR,--You have violated my honour in imposing upon Mrs. Minikin yourpretended cousins as ladies of virtue and reputation. I therefore demandsuch satisfaction as a soldier ought to receive, and expect you willadjust with my friend Count Fathom the terms upon which you shall be metby the much injured GOLIAH MINIKIN."
This morceau being sealed and directed, was forthwith carried by ouradventurer to the lodgings of the major, who had by this time retired torest, but hearing the Count's voice, he got up and opened the door incuerpo, to the astonishment of Ferdinand, who had never before seen suchan Herculean figure. He made an apology for receiving the Count in hisbirthday suit, to which he said he was reduced by the heat of hisconstitution, though he might have assigned a more adequate cause, byowning that his shirt was in the hands of his washerwoman; then shroudinghimself in a blanket, desired to know what had procured him the honour ofsuch an extraordinary visit. He read the letter with great composure,like a man accustomed to such intercourse; then addressing himself to thebearer, "I will be after diverting the gentleman," said he, "in anymanner he shall think proper; but, by Jesus, this is no place for suchamusements, because, as you well know, my dear Count, if both should bekilled by the chance of war, neither of us will be able to escape, andafter the breath is out of his body, he will make but a sorry excuse tohis family and friends. But that is no concern of mine, and therefore Iam ready to please him in his own way."
Fathom approved of his remarks, which he reinforced with sundryconsiderations, to the same purpose, and begged the assistance of themajor's advice, in finding some expedient to terminate the affair withoutbloodshed, that no troublesome consequences might ensue either to him orto his antagonist, who, in spite of this overstraining formality, seemedto be a person of worth and good-nature. "With all my heart," said thegenerous Hibernian, "I have a great regard for the little man, and my owncharacter is not to seek at this time of day. I have served a longapprenticeship to fighting, as this same carcase can testify, and if hecompels me to run him through the body, by my shoul, I shall do it in afriendly manner."
So saying, he threw aside the blanket, and displayed scars and seamsinnumerable upon his body, which appeared like an old patched leatherndoublet. "I remember," proceeded this champion, "when I was a slave atAlgiers, Murphy Macmorris and I happened to have some difference in thebagnio, upon which he bade me turn out. 'Arra, for what?' said I; 'hereare no weapons that a gentleman can use, and you would not be such anegro as to box like an English carman.' After he had puzzled himselffor some time, he proposed that we should retire into a corner, and funkone another with brimstone, till one of us should give out. Accordinglywe crammed half a dozen tobacco pipes with sulphur, and, setting foot tofoot,
began to smoke, and kept a constant fire, until Macmorris droppeddown; then I threw away my pipe, and taking poor Murphy in my arms,'What, are you dead?' said I; 'if you are dead, speak.' 'No, by Jesus!'cried he, 'I an't dead, but I'm speechless.' So he owned I had obtainedthe victory, and we were as good friends as ever. Now, if Mr. Minikinthinks proper to put the affair upon the same issue, I will smoke a pipeof brimstone with him to-morrow morning, and if I cry out first, I willbe after asking pardon for this supposed affront."
Fathom could not help laughing at the proposal, to which, however, heobjected on account of Minikin's delicate constitution, which mightsuffer more detriment from breathing in an atmosphere of sulphur thanfrom the discharge of a pistol, or the thrust of a small sword. Hetherefore suggested another expedient in lieu of the sulphur, namely, thegum called assafatida, which, though abundantly nauseous, could have noeffect upon the infirm texture of the lieutenant's lungs. This hintbeing relished by the major, our adventurer returned to his principal,and having repeated the other's arguments against the use of mortalinstruments, described the succedaneum which he had concerted withMacleaver. The captain at first believed the scheme was calculated forsubjecting him to the ridicule of his fellow-prisoners, and began tostorm with great violence; but, by the assurances and address of Fathom,he was at length reconciled to the plan, and preparations were made oneach side for this duel, which was actually smoked next day, about noon,in a small closet, detached from the challenger's apartment, and withinhearing of his majesty, and all his court, assembled as witnesses andumpires of the contest.
The combatants, being locked up together, began to ply their engines withgreat fury, and it was not long before Captain Minikin perceived he had amanifest advantage over his antagonist. For his organs were familiarisedto the effluvia of this drug, which he had frequently used in the courseof an hypochondriac disorder; whereas Macleaver, who was a stranger toall sorts of medicine, by his wry faces and attempts to puke, expressedthe utmost abhorrence of the smell that invaded his nostrils.Nevertheless, resolved to hold out to the last extremity, he continued inaction until the closet was filled with such an intolerable vapour asdiscomposed the whole economy of his entrails, and compelled him todisgorge his breakfast in the face of his opponent, whose nerves were sodisconcerted by this disagreeable and unforeseen discharge, that he fellback into his chair in a swoon, and the major bellowed aloud forassistance. The door being opened, he ran directly to the window, toinhale the fresh air, while the captain, recovering from his fit,complained of Macleaver's unfair proceeding, and demanded justice of thearbitrators, who decided in his favour; and the major being prevailedupon to ask pardon for having introduced Mrs. Minikin to women of rottenreputation, the parties were reconciled to each other, and peace andconcord re-established in the mess.
Fathom acquired universal applause for his discreet and humane conductupon this occasion; and that same afternoon had an opportunity of seeingthe lady in whose cause he had exerted himself. He was presented to heras the husband's particular friend, and when she understood how much shewas indebted to his care and concern for the captain's safety, shetreated him with uncommon marks of distinction; and he found her agenteel, well-bred woman, not without a good deal of personal charms, anda well-cultivated understanding.