I had my pride.
To my surprise Chad noticed something was wrong right off the bat. He practically followed me around the house, trying to get me to tell him what was going on in my head, but I pretended everything was fine and I was just a little homesick. He backed off then, as if I had burnt him, or maybe it was relief. If I was homesick, maybe I would decide to go home. I was in the shower getting ready for bed, when I realized that it was the most attention he’d paid to me in days.
My heart sank as the reality of my situation began to sink in. My man, who was so totally into me and could not get enough, for one reason or another, seemed to have gone off of me, and I was pregnant with his baby. I had to face up to my shit, but that didn’t mean I had to do it alone. I had Sasha. And I was not giving her up.
“Sasha, I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.
The only indication she was still at the other end of the line was the sound of her sharp gasp after the words came out of my mouth.
“What?” She sounded as shocked as I had felt when I had found out.
The words were like a jolt of electricity through my nervous system, pain and panic shivering across my skin. I felt myself begin to choke up all over again. I had been so emotional, and finally telling someone the truth was bringing all my pain to the fore. I forced myself to breathe deeply; in and out, in and out. It helped, and I went on. “I just found out last night,” I admitted. “I’ve been feeling kind of weird, and I just…I knew something was up, so I took a test.”
“Just one?” Her voice was full of hope.
“Nope. Three,” I admitted. “I wanted to be sure, and I am.”
“And it’s Chad’s?” She prompted me.
“Of course,” I shot back, irritated that she would even think otherwise. “I haven’t been with anyone else since I got here.”
“Oh God. Are you going to keep it?”
“Pretty much, yeah,” I replied.
“Does he know yet?”
“No. I’m not even sure how I’m meant to tell him, Sasha. I…things have been a bit weird between us the last couple of weeks…”
I traced my mind back, to the first time that I had noticed there was something off about Chad. It had been when he came back from one of his shows. I had tried to tell him about a famous photographer who had started following me on Instagram, but he just listened quietly, showing no enthusiasm at all. When I was finished he yawned, made some placating noises and went off to have a shower.
“Weird like how?” Sasha prompted, clearly worried. “Madison, tell me what’s going on. He not…”
“No, no, it’s not like he’s doing anything terrible,” I assured her quickly. “It’s just … when I first came over, he was all over me. He took me out places, he couldn’t do enough for me. He was always asking my opinion, how I was doing…”
“And not so much anymore?” she finished bluntly. She had never been one to hold back, and I figured that right now that was what I needed. Someone to come straight out and tell me the truth, even if it felt like a kick in the teeth to hear it.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Not so much anymore. He’s been colder. He comes home and goes straight to bed. I walked in on him making a call the other day and he hung up right away, like he didn’t want me to hear what it was about, and then he was all cuddly with me right after like he was trying to make up for something.”
“Mads, is it possible you’re reading too much into this?” she asked. “That kind of clawing passion doesn’t last and maybe this is just you guys settling in to the relationship or something.”
“Maybe,” I sighed. “But … but it’s too different.”
“You think he’s gone off you?” she pressed, and there was a hint of anger in her voice, like she had every intention of marching all the way across the ocean, and giving him a piece of her mind unless he got his act together.
My mouth turned down at the corners. “You know, I really think he has. He’s been staying out late after the shows are over. I check on social media and I can see that people are coming out, and yet it’s always a good couple of hours before he actually turns up back at the apartment.”
“Hmm…” She sounded wary.
“I mean, I don’t know anyone else in this whole damn country, Sasha. Maybe he’s just getting bored of carrying me. I should have tried to get a job or something.”
“Hey, it was him who dragged you over there, remember?”
“I know, but maybe he’s just changed his mind or found someone else.”
“And now you’re pregnant,”
“Now I’m pregnant,” I repeated miserably.
“Are you sure you want to keep it?”
“Yes,” I breathed. “Yes, I’m going to keep it.”
“Holy shit, Madison!”
She almost sounded so shocked that I couldn’t help but splutter with laughter.
“What the hell are you laughing at?” she demanded. “You know this is serious, right?”
“Oh, I know,” I finally caught my breath, the smile fading from my face. “It’s just that…I don’t think I can handle all of this without laughing a little at how crazy it is, you know?”
“I know,” she replied gently.
I felt the laughter bubble over into something else inside of me. I wanted to be near her so badly. I needed my sister to help guide me through this, but she felt as though she was on the other side of the universe to me. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and I dashed them away quickly with the back of my hand. Crying wasn’t going to get me anywhere; I had to come up with something practical to do and quick, before my brain became too addled by hormones to do anything else.
“I think I need to come back to London,” I said quietly. I couldn’t believe I was saying those words out loud. Only a few weeks ago, I had been so cocksure I was going to make a new life for myself in Miami. I had even gone online to research what it would take to get my citizenship and everything. But now, Chad felt a million miles away. I had this baby to think of and all I wanted was some space to breath and think again.
“Don’t cry, Maddy. We’ll work it out,” she choked.
“I’m not,” I said, the tears falling without restraint now. She couldn’t see me, but even if she could I didn’t much care to hide the way I was feeling anymore. It felt as though there was a void deep inside of me, one that only Chad could fill. But he had left me alone to lose myself in it while he went out and danced up on God knows who.
“You’re going to tell him about the baby, aren’t you?” she pressed. “I know it’s going to be tough, but he has a right to know.”
“Yeah, I’m going to tell him eventually,” I assured her. “I just don’t want to be in Miami when I do it. I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to trap him with this thing, you know?”
“But you’re not,” she reminded.
I closed my eyes. “I know that, but I don’t know what he’ll believe. If he doesn’t want me then I don’t want him to stay with me just because of the baby.” It felt crazy to say that, when a mere month before I’d been sure I understood Chad inside and out. But I had to admit that things were different now. The man I’d been so sure I had an unbreakable connection with was gone. And a stranger stood in his place.
“So you’re going to come back here, then tell him?” she asked incredulously.
“Yeah, that’s the plan.” I sighed deeply, my voice wavering. “That’s what I want.”
“Oh, Mads,” Sasha replied. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could be there with you now.”
“Meet me at the airport?”
“Anything you want,” she promised.
“I’ll let you know when I’m getting in, okay?”
“Okay.” She was so sure I was making a crazy decision when I left, but she was still my sister and that meant standing by me even when the choices I had made had revealed themselves to be dumb as all hell.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” I finished up quickly, as I felt another bubble of
emotion threaten to overwhelm me.
“Okay, bye. I’m here. Call me anytime.”
“Okay.”
“Love you, Mads.”
“Love you too,” I replied. I hung up and sank into the couch behind me. That was when the grief really hit me. Oh, sweet Jesus, I would be leaving all of this behind. Leaving it all behind to walk into a life I had never imagined for myself.
A life without Chad.
A life alone.
Chapter 28
Madison
“Why are we going out to dinner tonight?” I asked, shifting uncomfortably back and forth in the seat of the cab. I wasn’t sure whether it was the pregnancy, or just nerves, but I didn’t want to be in a public place with him.
“I have a surprise for you.”
I felt my heart sink. Surprise? What kind of surprise? I really hoped that he wasn’t going to try and pull anything big, because I needed to tell him that I planned to fly back to London next week. And as a matter of fact, I had picked tonight as the do-or-die night.
It was just my luck that he had come back from rehearsals with a big-ass grin on his face and a desire to hit the town. I did try to talk him out of it, but he had insisted and of course, I had talked myself into believing that perhaps this was for the best. If the two of us were out and about when I broke the news to him, neither of us were likely to make a scene. Or rather, an audience would mean I was less likely to end up in floods of tears.
I sat in the taxi across from him, one hand on my stomach and the other clenched into a fist at my side. I couldn’t believe that this was really happening. I wanted nothing more than to back out, than to find some way to rewind to the place that we had been at just a few weeks before, when I had felt myself toppling over in love with him and had been sure that he felt the same way too.
That said, as I sat slightly apart from him and surreptitiously watched him out of the corner of my eye. I was sure I saw a flicker of the old Chad. There was a small smile playing at the corner of his lips, as though he was sitting on a secret, and I couldn’t help wondering what it could be. Whatever it might be, I could almost guarantee that it wouldn’t come anywhere close to what I was going to drop on him.
“Where are we headed?” I asked.
He reached over and squeezed my hand, and despite myself, I felt a tingle of excitement at his touch.
“You’ll see,” he grinned mysteriously, as he leaned over and planted a quick kiss on my temple. I looked away in confusion. Why did he have to be like this now, when I was so close to leaving? Of course, it was possible that I was imagining everything and searching for any excuse to stay, but I was sure that he was acting differently than he had been the past couple weeks.
He had spent so much extra time out rehearsing and performing I was sure he was either deliberately staying away from me, or pursuing some extracurricular that he didn’t want me to know about. True, I didn’t have much experience with men, but when someone goes from smoking-hot to chilly in a matter of days it didn’t take a genius to realize that one was being fucked around. I just wished I had the nerve to demand to know what he was hiding from me.
The taxi finally pulled to a halt and Chad hurried around the side to pull open the door for me. He took my hand to help pull me to my feet, and kissed me again, as though he couldn’t get enough of me. What in the ever-loving fuck was going on?
“What’s all this in aid of?” I asked softly, but unable to stop myself from brushing my nose against his. Even now, when I stood at the end of the road with him, my body wanted to enjoy the last few moments before I took off for home. Even though it physically devastated me to think about walking away from this man, from the only man who had ever made me feel as though he truly wanted me, I knew I was going to do it no matter what.
“You’ll see,” he replied, and turned me towards the building we were parked outside. I glanced over, and my jaw dropped.
“Is that the place you took me…?”
“On your first night here,” he nodded, a smile spreading over his face. “The very same.”
“I can’t believe you’d do this,” I gasped. “I didn’t even think you’d remember…”
“I remember everything with you, baby,” he replied, slipping an arm around my waist.
I felt my resolve begin to waver. He’d put so much thought and effort into tonight; maybe what had happened before had just been a blip? I felt a wriggle in my stomach, obviously imaginary, it was only the size of a pea, but it made my hand move to my stomach protectively. I felt sad as I thought of the baby growing inside me, the baby that we had made together, and I wondered if I should stick around a little longer, and not to be so hasty in ending this relationship. I mean, technically, he had done nothing wrong. It could all be my own paranoia.
I let him lead me inside, biting my lip as I looked around. I remembered the way it had felt to see all those women so blatantly coming on to my man. How insecure I’d felt. It had started here. The sensation that the carpet could be pulled out from underneath me. The fear that one day one of those beautiful, perfect, bold women who came up to him for his attention or his autograph was going to turn his head.
The host led us to our table, and I was surprised when she took us to a small two-seater on the balcony. There was no-one else out there, just the two of us. As he pulled out my chair for me, he reached down to brush a strand of hair back from my neck as he did so. His fingertips traced over my skin and made me shiver. I clasped my hands tightly in my lap and tried not to focus on it.
“How did you get this seat?” My voice sounded shaky and small.
“I just wanted to make sure that we weren’t disturbed,” he replied softly, before planting a quick kiss where his fingers had just been.
I closed my eyes, and savored the smell of his aftershave, the warmth of his skin and the sensation of him standing so close to me. I wanted more, even though I knew I shouldn’t, even though I had come out on this date with one thing, and one thing alone, on my mind. To break it off and leave, to give him the space he needed to make a decision that was bigger than either of us.
I unclasped my hands and let one lay on the tablecloth.
He sat down opposite me, and reached out to take my hand in his. Even though the water was shimmering in the late evening light beside us and looked very beautiful, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He still took my breath away. I had never laid eyes on a more handsome man and I knew I never would again.
Nervousness flickered across his face suddenly and my stomach dropped.
God, was he going to beat me to it, and break up with me? I stared him trying to hide the horror in my chest as his mouth opened.
“Madison,” he began slowly, speaking every syllable of my name. “Madison, there’s something I’ve been really wanting to tell you these last few weeks.”
“Yeah?” I prompted him, voice so tiny that I was surprised he could hear me at all.
“I know I’ve been away from home a lot, babe, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the two of us,” he went on, and I noticed a tiny shake in his voice. This was not how people broke up, was it? I stared at him, unable to reply, a flicker of hope starting to ignite, silently urging him on.
He closed his eyes for a moment and smiled, as if he couldn’t contain his joy. “But I’m ready to retire. I’m done with dancing. I just want to be with you now.”
“But your contract—”
“It’s all taken care of,” he waved his hand. “I’m a free man now, Madison. I’m going to have a hell of a lot of time to spare. And I want to spend it with you.”
“Chad, what are you saying?” My jaw hung open. This couldn’t be going where I thought it was going.
Suddenly, the doors behind us sprang open, and I turned to the commotion. And my lips parted and I let out a squeak of surprise when I saw who it was.
“What the hell are they doing here!” I exclaimed, as a half-dozen of Chad’s dancers spilled out onto the deck with us. From s
peakers somewhere above us, music started to play, music I recognized. It was playing the first time Chad and I met, when he had called me up on stage in London. I turned and gaped at him, waiting for him to explain what in the name of hell was going on, but he just shrugged and mouthed, “Enjoy the show.”
He joined his mates and they all began to move in time with the beat, in perfect harmony, but there was only one person I could see. It was like my vision had narrowed in on Chad, like no-one else in the world mattered but him. The music dulled slightly in my ears as he stepped towards me, and then, to my utter shock, dropped to one knee in front of me.
“Madison,” he took my hand as he dipped his other one into the pocket of his blazer. “I know this is a bit soon, but there’s something I want to ask you.”
“Chad…” I gasped, shaking like a leaf with joy and excitement. This couldn’t be happening. All that distance, all that worry, and this was what he had been planning all along?
“Madison, I love you,” he said, his voice, so loud it was as though he wanted the whole restaurant, the whole city, to know. “And I can’t imagine my life without you. I have big changes ahead of me, and I want you there by my side the whole time.”
He pulled out a box from his jacket and popped it open, revealing a ring that glimmered like the ocean beyond us.
“Will you marry me?”
For a moment, I forgot that I was meant to come up with an answer. Thoughts were rushing through my head, so fast I couldn’t keep them straight. But then my eyes met his and my eyes filled with tears. What did he expect me to say? He’d always had my heart. From the first moment he looked into my eyes in that sea of women.
Too hot to handle: A curvy girl romance Page 13