Or maybe, I’m just kidding myself. Maybe I’m mistaking embarrassment for some deeper emotion. He must have come to tell me to forget what we did on the floor. Pretend it never really happened. He doesn’t need to. The sane part of me would have to agree with him. It was such a colossal mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve never behaved in such a wanton way ever. I have to stop thinking about him.
That’s all I did all weekend, and where did it get me? Nowhere.
“Everything all right between you two?” Ryland asks, scratching his jaw.
“Mmmm…”
“You didn’t have another fight when I wasn’t around, did you?”
“No, no,” I reply, telling the truth for once. “No, it’s just…awkward. As always. I guess it always will be. He doesn’t like me.”
“Eh, I think you’re wrong,” he jibes, winking. “He’s just a stubborn son of a bitch when he wants to be. That’s all. He hates to admit when he’s been acting like a dick.”
I wince at his choice of word. It was my word, but now I feel disloyal for letting Ryland say that about Lincoln. He’s not a dick. And even if he is a dick, he’s my dick. The thought brings me up short. What the hell am I doing?
“Anyway, don’t let him get to you. Just keep plugging away.” Ryland stands, pushing his stool back. “I have to get back to my office and wrap up a few things. I’d like to make it an early day.”
“Understood. Enjoy the holiday.” I wish I felt even a fraction of the enthusiasm in my voice. I feel nothing but—empty. Disappointed and confused by the way I can’t get my thoughts straight when it comes to Lincoln.
Ryland leaves and I sink down in a chair. I stare at the drone blankly. It’s useless, trying to get any work done right now. This isn’t like me. Work has always come first. And this work is far too important to let something like my hormones get in the way.
I pull the clip from my hair and shake it out of its bun, sighing. I wish we hadn’t done it. I wish we could do it again. Back and forth, back and forth, like a ping pong ball. For two solid days, that’s what I put myself through.
I keep cursing myself for letting the adrenaline rush of solving the overheating issue go to my head.
Longing for him.
Wondering whether it’ll make things even more uncomfortable between us.
Wishing I could be with him again—alone, this time, without the chance of being caught.
Wishing I had never seen him in the first place.
No, no, no. I stop just short of pushing the prototype from the table—no sense losing my job—and wonder why I bothered coming in today. Maybe because I needed to see him. Or because I needed to be in the room where it happened.
I look down at the spot where we made love, right there on the floor. Lovemaking isn’t what it was. It was primal, wild, uncontrollable, dirty, hot, unbelievable. Like nothing that has ever happened to me.
What am I, nuts? I’m going to have to look at that spot every day for the duration of my job here. Why would I put myself through that? The constant, daily reminder of how stupid I was. Because no matter how good it felt, it’s now finished, the moment is over, and it’s left me a hot mess. It was stupid, end of story.
I’ve wanted a lot of things in my life. Who hasn’t? And I’ve managed to work my way into a few of them, including this job. But there were many things I didn’t get, too. I learned to live with that, the way anybody else does. I’ll have to learn to live without him, no matter how much I want him.
It’s all in the past now. There’s no reason for me to fall under a spell like that, ever again. Because it was just adrenaline. Relief. Shared happiness over breaking through a major setback.
That’s all.
No, it isn’t, a voice in my head whispers. I stare at the floor again. In my heart, I know that’s not all, not by a long shot. If there were nothing between us to begin with, we wouldn’t have ended up wrapped in each other. Immediately, like we were magnetized, we flew to each other. It felt so right and when he was inside me, I felt as if he belonged there, even though he stretched me the way no man has, and it actually hurt being filled like that. But when it was over and he pulled out, it wasn’t relief I felt. I actually felt it like a loss. My body cried for him.
That’s not the sort of thing that just happens. Passionate, frenzied, incredibly satisfying sex with a man like him—doesn’t just happen unless there’s an undercurrent of something else beneath it.
I know what that undercurrent is.
I was right to act cool and professional with him earlier, I decide as I gather my things. I presented the solution to Ryland and that’s all I had to do today. Thanks to our breakthrough on Friday, I don’t have to be here. I don’t even know why I came and staying here any longer is nothing more than torture at this point. A day off tomorrow will help clear my head a little more.
Yeah, right. I roll my eyes. Because an entire weekend did that so well.
I test the lock to be sure it’s secure and start walking down the empty corridor. For the first time in my adult life, I wish I weren’t such a workaholic. It would be nice to have something to do tomorrow, the way people my age generally do. Some sort of diversion.
I’ve always dismissed that sort of thing in favor of proving myself at school or in the lab. Look where it’s gotten me. The one place I’ve always felt secure, always felt like I could contribute and prove myself worthy, is the one place where I now feel like I can’t be without wanting to tear my boss’ clothes off.
Or tear my heart out.
Lincoln
“I wanna go over there! No, wait, over there! Oh, Daddy, can I have cotton candy?” My daughter’s eyes shine with the sort of frantic light only sensory overload can provide.
I had no idea the fair would be anything like this. The street is completely clogged with people and their exuberant energy. I’ve heard it is amazing, which was why I wanted to bring Maddie here, but I might have reconsidered if I’d known it was going to be this frenetic.
No, I wouldn’t have.
Not when I see how overjoyed she is.
The day is hot and humid as it made Maddie’s already curly hair nearly stand on end. She looks so funny as she swivels her head back and forth in an attempt to take in the clowns, jugglers, face painters. Musicians, dancers, street artists. And the food, so many competing smells I can hardly tell one from the other. Sweet, salty and oily have all come together to create the sort of perfume one can only ever smell at an event such as this.
A little girl with pigtails passes in front of us and I suddenly realize that I need a woman in my life to show me how to do a little girl’s hair. Maybe Liz, our new nanny, can give me a few pointers. Lord knows there’s nobody else to ask.
Not…
Nope. I can’t think about her. Today is Daddy time with Maddie. Besides, I didn’t like the way I felt when I saw Sam with Ryland. I knew there was nothing going on between them, but I wanted to knock his head off his neck so bad, my teeth ached. I never felt that way about any woman before Sam. It is a bad sign. Also, it pissed me off when Sam looked at me yesterday as though I had imagined our last encounter when she had fucked me as if she was starving for it. I hate women who run hot and cold. I don’t need complications in my life.
Maddie tugs at my hand. I look down at her. “Can I have cotton candy?” she reminds me.
“You can, but only if you eat something real first,” I say decisively. I have learned that I need to be firm with Maddie. On Saturday, she somehow managed to manipulate me into letting her eat Nutella for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When I think back now, I don’t know how exactly she did it, but I’m wiser now. A lot wiser. We won’t ever be having a repeat of that. When she next comes up with another gem like ketchup is a vegetable, I’ll know exactly what to say.
“You mean like a funnel cake?” she asks innocently.
See what I mean about this kid. I frown.
Now she starts laughing, her eyes sparkling brighter t
han ever. It seems as though she’s been skipping ever since we arrived, the light sundress Erica gave her as a present swishing around her knobby, little girl knees.
I’ve had to hold back the urge to tell her to stop, to watch where she’s going even though I’ve kept a tight grip on her hand since the moment we stepped outside. I don’t want her to trip and skin her knees, but I don’t want to tamp down that exuberance, either. I’m beginning to recognize the fine line a parent has to walk. “No, not funnel cake. How about a hamburger?” I suggest since I don’t think the chances of finding anything healthier here are very high.
“C’mon, Daddy, please. It’s a holiday!”
I gaze at her adorable face.
“Please, Daddy.”
Poor thing had to live with Regina for the last two years. Oh, what the hell? She’s right. I should loosen up a little. Just this one last time. “Fine,” I say sternly. “But no more sweets after that until you’ve had dinner. And that’s non-negotiable.”
My daughter is a smart cookie and knows when she’s won, so she readily agrees and gives my legs a quick hug. Then she finishes a ball of cotton candy bigger than her head while we walk through the throng of people.
Afterwards, we find a stand selling fresh-grilled burgers and hot dogs. I normally favor a very healthy diet, but my mouth floods with saliva when the scent of grilled meat hits my nose.
Minutes later, we’re sitting on a random stretch of curb with our burgers, watching the world go by. She has so many questions. I barely remember the days of my childhood, when everything was so fresh and new. When life was only just beginning to make an impression on me. And it’s funny, but she helps me see things through those eyes again. I feel younger when I’m with her. Less jaded.
“Why does that man look so unhappy?” she asks, jerking her chin in the direction of a dour old man whose mouth is set in a deep frown. His brows are drawn together as he elbows his way down the sidewalk. He’s dressed sloppily, or maybe it’s the sweat rolling off his forehead and soaking into his t-shirt that gives that impression.
Normally, I would ignore him, or at most mutter something in his general direction if he were to bump into me. Now, with my daughter seated beside me, I look at him. I really look at him. “He’s probably lonely,” I decide. “Tired… sad…and hot. Old. He doesn’t have anybody to enjoy the day with him. Maybe he doesn’t like crowds.”
“He lives in a big city, though,” she reasons before taking a bite from her burger, leaving ketchup at the corners of her mouth.
“That’s true. I guess he should be used to it. Some people are so grumpy, though, that they don’t notice all the good things around them. All they see is what makes them unhappy.”
She thinks about this, chewing slowly as she does. I can almost see the wheels turning. “That’s a shame. I wish I could do something to make him happier.”
I kiss the top of her sun-warmed head. “I know you do, but it’s important to remember that you can’t make everybody happy. You know? Some people are just plain old unhappy and you have to leave it at that. Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
“Daddy, can I give him my burger?”
I stare at her. “Why do you want to do that?”
“Because he’s hungry and I’m not,” she says simply.
For a second, I am stunned by the humanity in my daughter. Then I feel shame flood through me. That thought never even crossed my mind. I grasp her hand and stand up. “Come on.”
We walk up to the man. “Hello.”
His body shrinks and he looks at me with an expression that is almost fear. Maybe, all he knows is people who want to move him on or hurt him. I open my wallet, pull out all the bills in it and thrust it into his hands. “Go buy yourself some lunch.”
He looks shocked. “You don’t have to give me this much,” he says in a trembling voice.
“It’s not from me. It’s from my daughter.”
He looks at down at Maddie. She grins at him and his eyes fill with tears. “God, bless you, child. God bless you,” he mutters. He reaches out a hand and touches her head, but his hands are so filthy I feel a sudden flare of alarm and the protective instinct that only Maddie manages to inspire in me, takes over. I pick my daughter up and seat her on my shoulders. “Good luck,” I say to the man and walk away. I look up and Maddie is waving to the man she just helped.
“Look, Daddy, there’s a lady holding two ice cream cones in her hands,” she cries from high above my head.
“Good for her,” I say, navigating my way through the crowd
“Now I want ice cream,” she says.
I shake my head at the audacity of my kid. “I thought we agreed no more sweets until after dinner now.”
“But when I saw the ice cream…” she trails off, following the progress of the double-fisting woman with great interest.
I barely stifle a smile as I scan the immediate area in search of the ice cream stand. Just for today.
“Daddy! Daddy, quick put me down,” Maddie says, squirming on my shoulder.
“What?” I ask, lowering her to the ground. The next thing I know, I’m being led through the crowd, zigging and zagging in between clusters of people.
“Slow down! What’s the emergency?” Then, I almost slam straight into the emergency, which isn’t an emergency at all. It’s a petite, curvy, blonde woman with familiar eyes and cheeks that flush the instant she recognizes me.
“What are you doing here?” I manage to choke out, only inches from Sam.
She looks gorgeous in a thin-strapped dress and sandals, her hair in a bun at the back of her head. She looks soft and feminine, a contrast from her professional attire.
She frowns slightly, eyes moving this way and that as if she’s searching for an escape route. “Uh, I live in the city,” she mumbles. “And I didn’t have any other plans, so…”
“Are you here alone?” I can’t help but ask. She better not say she’s here on a date because I would relish the feeling of my fist against his jaw.
“Yes,” she blurts out, still looking for all the world like a deer in headlights.
I’m absolutely the last person she wants to see right now, that much is obvious. But she’s hooked too, and there’s no escape. I know how tight my daughter’s grip is, and she’s now grasping Sam’s hand with both of hers.
“Hi, Sam!” she beams, nearly bouncing up and down in her excitement.
Sam smiles down at my daughter her tension dissolving somewhat. “Hi, pretty girl. I love your dress. Are you having fun today?”
“Yes, Daddy and I have been having sooooo much fun! We saw jugglers and a man who ate fire! He ate real fire! Did you see him?”
“No, I didn’t.” Sam chuckles, shaking her head.
“Daddy says it doesn’t hurt him.”
The two of them giggle together and I wish she didn’t touch my heart the way she does. Something tells me that she doesn’t want anything to do with me outside the office—and she would’ve bolted just now—had Maddie not grabbed her before she had the chance. Dammit, she shouldn’t get along so well with my little girl. All she’s doing is making it impossible to forget her.
“Why don’t you come along with us?” I suggest, giving the pair of them an easy smile. “We were on our way to get some ice cream and there’s another two blocks we haven’t even checked out yet.”
Maddie bounces harder than ever, practically bursting with excitement, still holding Sam’s hand. “Please? I never had so much fun in my whole life!”
“Not ever?” Sam asks, a frown briefly touching her face as she considers this. She’s probably wondering how dull and joyless Maddie’s life has been up to this point.
“No! I never went to a fair before. This is one of our fun things, right, Daddy?”
I nod. “We made a list of all the things she wants to do, and this was one of them.” Inspiration hits like a bolt from the blue. “I bet it would be even more fun if you walked around wit
h us.”
Her brows lower until I can barely make out her eyes. She’s pissed off at my blatant use of Maddie as a ploy to get her to come along with us.
I grin and shrug. So bite me!
“Can you come with us, Sam?” Maddie screams.
She heaves a big sigh, then she turns to my daughter and gives her the biggest smile. It’s warm enough to melt the ice caps. “All right, then,” she says. “Let’s see what flavors they have at the ice cream stand. What’s your favorite flavor?”
“Chocolate!” Maddie proudly announces, taking one of my hands with the one she’s not using to hold Sam firmly in place. She beams up at me, then stage whispers, “See? I told you she should have ice cream with us!”
Lincoln
“The keys are in my pocket,” I whisper as we reach the door to the apartment. At any other time, the sensation of Sam’s fingers fishing around inside my khakis would lead to something even more interesting, but the dead weight of a sleeping six-year-old in my arms is like a bucket of, well I wouldn’t go so far to say, cold water, because nothing is cold when Sam is around.
Sam balances the massive stuffed elephant I won for her in one arm and unlocks the door.
I catch a glimpse of her eyes while they sweep over the apartment as we walk through.
Maddie stirs, but remains fast asleep as I carry her in. It’s been a long day. Though the sun isn’t even halfway set, I’m sure she’ll sleep through the night.
“Do you need help?” Sam whispers.
“Sure, thanks.” I carry my daughter to the bathroom, where I sit her on the vanity beside the sink. She lifts her head, but barely, and Sam seems to understand what to do without being asked. She wets a washcloth and runs it over Maddie’s face, wiping away the last remnants of ice cream and another head-sized cotton candy she still, somehow, managed to convince me to buy for her. The kid is like a hypnotist. Before I knew it, I was handing over the money and she was holding another cloud of spun sugar.
Too hot to handle: A curvy girl romance Page 22