by Maggie Cox
‘So how did you do that? Did you get the grades to go to university?’
‘Yes. I worked damned hard and fortunately I did.’ ‘Did you see your father at all after you went?’ As she took a sip of her coffee, then carefully set the blue and white cup back in its elegant saucer, Layla’s dark-eyed glance was thoughtful.
‘No.’ In return, Drake’s smile was helplessly bitter. ‘I only returned once after I left, and that was to go to his funeral. Needless to say I was the only mourner. Let’s put it this way: he wasn’t the most popular guy in the world.’
‘So how did he die? What happened to him?’
‘The silly fool smashed into a central reservation on the motorway whilst driving under the influence of alcohol. He was killed outright.’ Drake agitatedly tunnelled his fingers back and forth through his hair. ‘It wasn’t even his car. He’d borrowed it from some drinking crony who stupidly believed he’d return it in one piece. When I talked to the man he told me that my father was planning on driving up to the university to visit me. That’s why he’d borrowed the car. Unless he’d had some profound religious conversion and wanted to atone for his past ill-treatment of me, I very much doubt that it was true.’
‘My God, Drake!’
Layla’s expression was almost distraught, he saw. Knowing her kind heart, it wouldn’t have surprised him to learn that she was feeling compassion for his loser of a father.
‘I’m so sorry you had to face such a horrendous and sad ordeal on your own,’ she murmured, twisting her hands together in her lap. ‘It must have been hard enough for you not to have someone back at home, sending you love and support while you were away studying, but then to hear that your father had died … and possibly on his way to visit you as well …?’
‘You think it was hard for me, do you?’ he challenged, his temper rising. The old, painful wounds that he privately nursed, encrusted with bitterness and resentment, were still apt to make him feel murderous. ‘The only thing I felt when I heard the bastard had died was relief like you can’t possibly imagine!’
‘You said he was cruel. Was his cruelty the reason you don’t like sleeping without the light on?’
Sensing all the colour drain from his face, Drake shivered hard at the haunting reminder of his appalling home-life when he was a boy. ‘Every night he’d remove the lightbulbs in my bedroom and lock me in for the night in the dark. More often than not he’d go out and leave me on my own until the early hours of the morning, and even when he returned he wouldn’t knock on my door to check and see if I was all right.’
‘Why? Why did he do that?’
Drake’s lips twisted in disgust. ‘He told me it would make me a man. Personally, I think he did it simply because he could.’
‘You should have reported him … told someone at your school what he was doing. That kind of inhuman behaviour is child abuse, Drake.’
‘You make it sound so simple—but how does a frightened child tell someone his private horror story when he feels the most sickening shame about it? When he secretly believes he must have done something bad to deserve it?’
‘You did nothing wrong. You were only a little boy, for goodness’ sake! Your father was the adult in the family. He should have taken proper care of you. You aren’t supposed to “deserve” love and care. It’s the fundamental right of human children everywhere. I wish someone could have told you that so you wouldn’t have carried such shame and fear around with you all these years.’
‘Well, they didn’t, and I managed. End of story.’
‘You may have managed to get by despite your circumstances, but that’s not the end of the story, Drake … not if you’re still afraid to sleep in the dark and are plagued with nightmares.’
‘That’s not your concern. I deal with it. Shall we change the subject?’
‘I’ve one more question. Do you mind?’
Before Layla got the chance to ask it, he interjected quickly, feeling bleak. ‘I do mind, as I’m sure you know, but ask anyway. Then it’s my turn.’
‘What about your mother, Drake?’
Her luminous dark eyes were tender and her tone was infinitely gentle, respectful of the now tense atmosphere between them … like an intrepid novice explorer negotiating the walk across a frozen river for the very first time. One false move could make the ice splinter and send her plunging into the freezing waters below.
‘Did you ever see her again after she left?’
‘No, I didn’t. She obviously just wanted to put her seven years with my father behind her—start a new life somewhere else and forget about us both.’
‘Why would she want to forget about her little son? I’m sure that can’t be true, Drake. Her heart must have been breaking in two to leave you behind with a man like your father. She must have been absolutely desperate for her to carry out such an act.’
He gulped down some of his coffee, then wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. ‘Desperate or not, she presumably made a better life for herself somewhere else and decided not to risk ruining it by coming back for me.’
Restlessly he pushed to his feet, absolutely hating the misery and pain that made him feel unbearably exposed and vulnerable in front of a woman he already cared too much about. A woman whose rejection of him, if it ever came, he would probably never recover from. For a few desperate moments he despised Layla for the power she unknowingly held over him. He was also furious with her for goading him into revisiting the tormented past he’d striven so hard to forget.
Before he knew it, Drake had turned on her with a fierce scowl. ‘Are you happy now? What else do you want to know about me so that you can sit there smugly making your analysis? An analysis that will no doubt help you feel so much better about your own comparatively trivial disappointments.’
Stricken, Layla rose slowly to her feet and folded her arms over the pretty diaphanous blouse Drake had taken such pleasure in seeing her wearing. ‘We’re not having a competition about who’s suffered the most, Drake. All I wanted to do … all I hoped to do was get to know you a little, so that you wouldn’t feel the need to be anyone other than yourself … your real self … around me. Yes, we’ve all had sadness and disappointment in our lives—and some of us, like you, have experienced dreadfully unhappy childhoods … But that doesn’t mean we should be ashamed of our pasts or try to hide them. Sometimes it’s our most challenging and difficult experiences that help us evolve into the compassionate and thoughtful people we are.’
‘Is that how you felt when your unscrupulous ex-boss fleeced you of your life savings … compassionate?’
Hearing the almost cruel mockery in Drake’s tone, Layla hugged her arms over her chest even more, needing to protect herself. Had she pushed him too far and too soon in getting him to talk about his past? What if her kindly meant questioning to get him to open up a little about himself so that they might forge a closer bond had done nothing but turn him against her and made him suspicious of her motives? If they didn’t have trust then they had nothing worth having at all.
‘No,’ she replied. ‘I didn’t feel remotely compassionate towards him. I was too busy blaming him for cheating me and blaming myself for being an idiot for trusting him in the first place … for being so gullible in trusting my savings to his little scheme and for letting him seduce me.’
‘He got you drunk.’
Unhappily she nodded her head. ‘Yes, but I let him. I could have said no to him, but he was a charmer and I fell under his spell. Anyway, that aside, after some time had gone by I definitely felt as though I’d learned a lesson I’d never forget. For a start, I’d have loved to give the money I had to Marc, to help the business. As for my boss, I know that if he carries on cheating people like he does then inevitably life will teach him an invaluable lesson. A lesson that will hopefully make him reflect on his behaviour and stop him seeking to advance himself by exploiting anyone else.’ She chewed thoughtfully down on her lip, then smiled uncertainly. ‘At least that’s my hope.’
Drake started to pace the polished wooden floor, the expression in his fascinating grey eyes suggesting they were reaching internally for some longed-for escape route … perhaps a time warp that could transport them back to the moment when he’d first walked into the room with their coffee, when he might have told Layla he’d changed his mind about having their little discussion.
All her instincts cried out for her to go to him and hold him tight, to tell him how courageous he’d been to reveal the cruelties of his childhood, but sensing he was still tormented by his frank and painful admission she stayed where she was, not wanting to risk upsetting him further.
Coming to a sudden standstill, he swept his still restless gaze up and down her figure. ‘What made you decide to take the contraceptive in the end?’ he asked.
‘Why? Did you think I wouldn’t take it and just pretend that I did?’
‘No. I never thought you’d try and deceive me. I just …’
‘What, Drake? I’m sensing there’s something you want to ask me.’
‘When you think about the future, do you ever think about having children?’
Breathing out a relieved sigh, Layla couldn’t help smiling. ‘Of course … One day I’d love to be a mum.’
‘One day when the “right man” comes along, presumably?’
Now his voice was rough-edged and cynical and it made her heart bleed.
‘If by the right man you mean a man that I love with all my heart and want to be with for the rest of my life, then, yes … that’s when I’ll be ready to become a mum.’
Drake’s eyes bored into her like a laser. ‘My ex-girlfriend wanted children.’
‘She did?’
‘That was one of the reasons we broke up. She wanted them and I didn’t. And, more importantly, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with her, so there was no way I’d make her the mother of my children. When I explained my reasons to her as diplomatically as I could, apart from accusing me of being emotionally crippled and totally insensitive for not understanding her desire for marriage and children, she said I was the most spectacularly selfish man she’d ever met and didn’t doubt that I’d end up alone.’
Layla’s heart bumped with sorrow and dread as she waited for him to continue.
A corner of his mouth quirked painfully. ‘She was right.’
‘Sometimes it helps us to have clarity when we know what we don’t want,’ she commented softly, the dread she’d felt inside that he might have stated that he would never want marriage or children slowly and thankfully subsiding.
‘It does indeed.’
‘So how do you feel about having children if you—if you meet the right woman?’
‘It would definitely be something I’d consider.’ He gave her a sheepish look. ‘I used to think I’d never want a family. Maybe it’s my age, but now I don’t think I’d be as closed to the idea as I was before. Shall we leave it at that and get out of here for a while?’
The glimmer of some unspoken urgent idea was evident in Drake’s animated gaze, and apart from what he’d just revealed about the possibility of being open to the notion of having children it made Layla’s heart race.
‘Why? Where do you want to go?’
‘I’ve heard that it’s going to be an exceptionally clear night. I’d like to take you to my office and show you that view of the stars through the glass roof.’
Remembering how surprised and moved she’d been when he’d told her that he sometimes turned out the lights if he was working late and the stars were bright, she felt a genuine thrill of anticipation.
‘All right,’ she agreed, smiling, ‘I’ll go and get my coat.’
‘Layla?’
‘Yes?’
‘I didn’t mean it when I accused you of being smug earlier. I was just … I was just angry that you got me to talk about that stuff. But now—now I’m glad that you did.’
Walking up to him, she gently touched his unshaven cheek with the tips of her fingers and tenderly laid her lips over his mouth. Straight away she sensed the heat they stoked into flame between them—but before she let it consume her, she lifted her head and told him, ‘I think you telling me about your childhood was the bravest thing I’ve ever heard.’
His arms tightened possessively round her waist. ‘You’re good for my ego, you know that?’
Her eyes were already drifting closed, even before his lips made the fire they’d started to kindle a moment ago burst into uncontrollable flame …
CHAPTER TEN
DRAKE had laid a blanket and some cushions down on the heated wooden floor in his office, and Layla settled herself down beside him and rested her head in the crook of his arm, staring up in wonder at the cornucopia of dazzling stars that were gloriously twinkling above them through the glass ceiling. He’d been absolutely right when he’d told her that the light they emitted was so bright there was no need to turn on the lamps.
‘What a genius idea to do this,’ she declared enthusiastically, turning towards him.
‘So it’s a genius Iam now, is it?’
For sheer vivacity and beauty, in Layla’s opinion the sparkle in Drake’s haunting grey eyes as he glanced back at her was equal to the array of stars that shone down on them. The realisation that she loved him … loved him with all her heart … struck her absolutely dumb. All she could do right then was stare into his carved handsome face and mentally imprint every beloved feature to memory, so that his image might sustain her whenever they were apart.
‘What is it?’ he asked, frowning, intuiting that something profound had pierced her. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing’s wrong. As a matter of fact, things couldn’t be more right.’
Somehow she managed to divert him from learning the stunning realisation that had just rocked her world off its axis. She guessed that now wasn’t the right time to share the news—not when he’d already had such a torrid time revisiting his agonisingly painful past. There was also a terrible fear inside her that he might not welcome her revelation—might even reject her if he wasn’t ready to explore the possibility of them having a future together. She decided that she would bide her time.
‘I’m just … I’m really enjoying myself, that’s all,’ she said lightly.
‘Me too.’ Reassured, Drake smiled and dropped an affectionate kiss onto her forehead.
For once he looked completely at ease. Even the furrows on his indomitable brow seemed more relaxed.
Layla couldn’t help sighing. ‘Don’t you wish you could capture some of your most magical experiences and keep them for ever? I mean keep them safely locked away in a silk-lined drawer and bring them out whenever you have a bad day or simply need a pick-me-up?’
Hugging her companion’s lean trim waist in the chambray shirt he wore loose over his jeans, she pressed closer into his side, breathing in his earthy masculine smell as though it was the most alluring and compelling perfume she’d ever scented.
He chuckled and she felt his fingers ruffle her hair. ‘Omit the silk-lined drawer, sweetheart, and I totally concur with what you’re saying. This is indeed one of those magical experiences that I’ll never forget. But, for me, this whole weekend has been like that.’
‘Has it? I was afraid I’d ruined everything by getting you to answer questions about your past.’
‘You haven’t ruined anything, and you were entitled to question me. Didn’t I make a promise that I’d talk to you? I’ve come round to thinking that perhaps it was about time I opened up to someone about what happened when I was a kid, even though it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.’ Drake’s expression visibly softened. ‘I’m glad that it was you I confided in, Layla. I wouldn’t have told anyone else and that’s the truth … not even a trained counsellor. My deepest darkest secrets would have gone with me to my grave.’ His wry smile was reflective.
‘Don’t say that.’ She caught his hand and urgently kissed it. ‘I can’t bear the thought of you being tormented
by the past for the rest of your life and never telling anyone … never having any relief from the pain of it. I’m glad you agreed to talk to me, Drake, even though it was painful and difficult.’ Staring deeply into his eyes, she finished, ‘I’m also glad that you don’t hate me for making you share your secrets with me.’
Bewildered, Drake shook his head. ‘I could never hate you … no matter what you did to me. Don’t you know that?’
She emitted a relieved sigh and her lips curved warmly. ‘We’re still friends, then?’
‘Is that all you want to be to me … a friend?’
His lowered husky tone was akin to cream liqueur poured into a cup of the finest dark roast coffee … devastatingly warm and rich with a hint of luxurious velvet that was far too enticing to resist. Before Layla could reply, his lips had alighted on hers with an almost savage groan, and in the next instant his hot silken tongue was plundering the satin interior of her mouth as his big hands cupped her face and his hard-muscled body moved on top of hers, his superior weight pressing her spine deep into the luxurious woollen blanket he had lain down on the floor.
As far as Layla was concerned it might as well have been a soft feather bed. There was no sense of discomfort at all. How could there be when every ounce of her attention was intimately focused on the man who was once again taking her to a paradise she never wanted to leave, just so long as she could stay there with him for ever?
When they returned to the house and retired to bed, deliciously sated from their ardent lovemaking, Drake didn’t have a single qualm about turning out the light. There was no need to wonder why he suddenly found the normally difficult task easy. The prospect of the black velvet night enveloping him and filling him with dread like it usually did didn’t feature even once in his thinking … at least not with Layla lying beside him. Even though he’d fiercely resisted sharing the truth of his past with her, she had somehow broken through his iron defences to show him how sharing his story could actually help him banish the ghosts that haunted him—not make them even more cloying.