by Loretta Hill
If anything, she was a little insulted by his impatience and his ‘can’t you just get over it?’ attitude. All it really said to her was that he’d learned nothing from their time apart.
Her sisters, now that they knew, encouraged her to lean on them and she felt the weight of her burden grow a little lighter. They made sure she was never alone with Heath or drew him into conversation when they knew she was feeling down. While this was only making her lack of communication with him worse, it was such a relief to have the pressure taken off, so she didn’t tell her sisters to stop.
Phoebe gave Heath so many jobs to do, he was becoming her own personal errand boy. He seemed to take the change in their treatment with a kind of resigned acceptance. But she knew he was simply biding his time.
He told her as much in the sitting room one night after everyone had gone to bed. ‘I can’t throw away all our dreams, Tash. Not without a fight.’
‘But what if those dreams weren’t real, Heath? What if we’re just two people who were never meant to be together?’
He sighed. ‘Do you really believe that?’
Doubt cut through her. ‘I don’t know. Too much has transpired. You can’t just gloss over it.’
‘I’m not trying to gloss over anything.’
‘Yes you are, Heath. We didn’t just break up because of Sophia. We broke up because we couldn’t talk to each other. You’ve never trusted me emotionally. And at the moment, I don’t trust you.’
He gazed at her. ‘Well, where does that leave us?’
‘Honestly, I don’t know.’ She swallowed as he strode away, leaving her to chew anxiously on her fingernails. It was an awful habit from childhood that she succumbed to whenever worried. The problem was, whenever she was thinking about Heath, her fingers naturally crept to her mouth.
There was no easy answer for her because it all came down to trust. When you moved this far away from the person you loved, what was needed to return was a leap of faith. And she was not ready to do that. What she required was more of a bridge to cross back slowly.
But how do I start building that?
Heath had never been one to discuss his feelings much. He always kept those close to his chest. In hindsight, she realised just how much he had concealed in the wake of her miscarriage. She didn’t want a marriage like that any more.
To give Heath some credit, he could see her turmoil and let her be for a couple of days. She would have been relieved if she hadn’t started feeling sick.
A lasting wave of tiredness struck her. All she wanted to do in the evenings was crash. She slept so deeply that even Heath’s presence in the bed beside her no longer kept her awake for hours.
And then the nausea began. At first she thought that maybe she had a stomach bug, or that she’d eaten one too many of her mother’s baklava slices. They were her favourite. But after two mornings bent over a toilet bowl, the bug still hadn’t cleared. On the third morning, when she left the bathroom shaky as a leaf, she began to suspect it was something else … though the suspicion was too impossible, too ironic – that she was pregnant after only one night with her husband. Especially after the years they’d tried and failed to conceive. It was almost like fate was conspiring against her. With everything else already going on, was it really necessary to add this to the mix?
The restaurant renovation was just about done now. The floor reconstruction was finished. All they needed to do was re-paint the walls, clean the undamaged furniture and pick up some new items to add the finishing touches to the decor. She was actually rather proud of her husband’s contribution, though she hadn’t told him so. He had always been a quiet achiever, beavering away in the background until he stepped back and revealed all that he had done while she wasn’t watching.
On Thursday morning, everyone was finishing the painting in the restaurant. As they were nearly done, she didn’t think they’d miss her if she just nipped into town for some space.
‘Are you going to the doctor?’ Eve asked as she was about to take off. ‘I think you should see someone about that stomach bug of yours. It’s gone on for far too long.’
Tash smiled, touched by her sister’s concern, but shook her head. ‘No, I’m feeling much better today, thanks.’ She racked her brain for a different excuse. ‘I wanted to check out something I intend to buy Phoebe and Spider for their wedding gift.’
Eve’s eyes widened. ‘Good idea. I really should get onto that as well.’ She sighed. ‘Too many things on my mind right now.’
She knew that feeling. Eve and Tash had not spoken recently about their father but she knew the worries were never far from her sister’s mind. Eve had such a trusting relationship with their dad. Tash could tell she was heartbroken over his duplicity. They both were. The only way they knew how to deal with it was by being kinder to their mother.
They realised, with guilt, how much they had disregarded her cries for attention. She was going through so much right now: the invasion of her home and, in some respects, the dismissal of her opinion. But most of all Anita didn’t understand why her husband was slowly disengaging from her. It was very difficult to watch.
After breakfast, Tash drove straight to a pharmacy to pick up a pregnancy test. She went to one in Busselton because the town was bigger, and there was a far greater likelihood that no one would know her there. If she went to a chemist in Dunsborough, her mother would receive word she was having a grandchild before she got home.
The round trip took about an hour and a half. She killed an extra hour doing some shopping, just to make her trip more authentic before returning home. Everyone was still at the restaurant, so it was easy enough to slip into the bathroom and pee on a stick.
It then took her another hour to get her head around the result.
She was still sitting in her bedroom trying to process it when there was a rap on the door. She stiffened immediately.
Heath?
‘Tash, it’s Eve. Are you okay?’
‘Eve,’ she breathed.
‘Can I come in?’ Her sister didn’t wait before tentatively opening the door and sticking her head around it. ‘I wanted to know –’ Her voice broke off as her expression morphed into concern. ‘Hey.’ She opened the door more fully. ‘What’s wrong? You look awful.’
Tash tried, she really did. But for the life of her she could not control the dam as it burst. Tears flowed freely. Heavy sobs racked her body.
‘Oh, Tash.’ Eve shut the door and flew to her side, arms cradling her trembling body.
‘I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do,’ she chanted. ‘It’s all I ever wanted … just not right now.’
‘What’s happening right now?’ Eve stroked her hair. ‘Has Heath said something to make you upset?’
‘No, not really.’ She gulped in air. ‘Heath thinks we should get back together.’
Eve rubbed her back. ‘And you don’t want to?’
‘I don’t know. We’ve been through so much. I think there’s a lot we need to work through before I can trust myself with him again.’
‘Is that what’s upsetting you?’ Eve asked gently.
‘Not precisely. You see,’ she paused before whispering, ‘I’m pregnant.’
Eve gasped. ‘But I thought you guys –’
‘Don’t ask.’ Tash shook her head. ‘It was one time, when we first arrived at Tawny Brooks. I can’t explain it.’
Eve gripped her hand. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to. Just let me know how I can help you.’
Tash shut her eyes against the panic welling up inside her. ‘This is all happening at such a difficult time. I don’t know where my life is headed right now … and now, a baby too?’
‘Does Heath know about this?’
‘No.’ Tash shook her head. ‘I only just confirmed it myself. I don’t know how to tell him. I didn’t think we would have to go through this again so soon.’
Eve pulled back slightly. ‘What do you mean by again?’
Tash gazed heavenw
ard. ‘Eve, I didn’t tell you this before. Actually I didn’t tell anyone, but this is my second pregnancy. Heath and I lost the first baby. That’s why we started having problems. We …’ She took a breath. ‘We didn’t deal with it very well.’
‘Oh, Tash,’ Eve said, before throwing her arms about her sister again and pressing a kiss into her hair. ‘You poor thing.’ She reached around her to grab some tissues by the bedside as Tash’s tears began to fall in earnest.
Tash took the offered tissues, wiped her face and blew her nose.
‘Why didn’t you tell anyone?’ Eve rubbed her leg. ‘We could have supported you.’
‘It was a strange in-between time. I was only twelve weeks along. We were just getting to that stage where we were going to start telling people. So when I lost the baby I guess I just completely shut down.’
‘And how did Heath take it?’
‘He just wanted to move on, put it behind us. He was constantly trying to take my mind off her … our daughter. In hindsight, I can see that he had his own way of grieving, but at the time I found his insensitivity too harsh.’
‘So that’s why you separated?’
Tash hiccupped. ‘Basically. There were other factors too. I thought he blamed me because I was such a workaholic. I blamed myself too. After the separation happened, I lost my job anyway and I just felt ashamed. I felt like I’d dropped the ball and let everyone down. I couldn’t face it.’
‘We let you down,’ Eve said fiercely. ‘I thought you were still giving me the silent treatment because of the restaurant. The truth was that you had bigger problems and I was so obsessed with my own issues I didn’t look out for you. I feel like an idiot.’
Tash hugged her back. ‘We’re all guilty of a little self-obsession sometimes. Don’t put that on yourself. If there’s one thing this trip home has taught me, it’s that blaming yourself is such a waste of energy.’
They were silent for a moment, just holding each other and drinking in the comfort the other provided. Tash knew she should be thinking about what step she should take next but couldn’t find the energy to do anything more than sit.
‘Where’s Phee when you need her?’ Eve sighed. ‘She’d find the silver lining in this cloud faster than you can say …’
‘Aunty?’ Tash suggested tentatively.
‘That’s the spirit,’ Eve nodded and then jumped off the bed, shoving Tash’s shoulder in a very realistic impersonation of their younger sister. ‘Really?’ she gasped with Phoebe’s wide-eyed enthusiasm. ‘I’m going to be an aunty? But this is amazing! We can go shopping. Baby clothes are so cute. It’s going to be so much fun. I can’t wait.’
Tash laughed, her mood lightening. ‘Phoebe would love to see you do that. You’ve got the tone just perfect.’
Eve grinned. ‘Thanks, but seriously, Tash, you have to focus on the positives. This baby is a gift.’
‘You’re right.’ Tash sat up a little straighter. ‘I want this child more than anything. It’s just …’
‘I know,’ Eve nodded. ‘It’s hard being pregnant like this. Listen, try to live in the moment. Just let the past go, and try to look at the future and picture what you want it to be. And then when you’re ready, you’ll know what to do.’
Tash already knew what she wanted it to be. It was the same gentle daydream she’d had since she and Heath had become engaged. The two of them together, with their three perfect children laughing and playing in the backyard, like a corny sitcom. But it was just a fluffy fairytale. All pink smoke and no substance. Real life was so much harder, so much meaner.
She didn’t know whether she had the strength to go through it all again.
Chapter 29
On Friday mornings, particularly at nine am, the cellar door was generally empty. If there was anyone in there at all, it was usually a hardcore wine writer or Mrs Caffrey, the local busybody, who had been doing the Yallingup winery circuit in her retirement years simply for the pleasure of collecting gossip about her neighbours.
Luckily, neither was present at the cellar door when Eve walked in that morning. She hadn’t visited this part of her father’s estate since she’d arrived home. Her focus had been on the restaurant and the family, not the family business, which, from the looks of things, seemed to be thriving without her attention anyway.
Everything in the Tawny Brooks cellar door was polished. Polished wooden floorboards, polished timber bar, polished tables and stools you could see your face in. As she came in, their merchandise was on her right – from hats and tea towels, to those corny silver spoons old ladies like to collect. Mrs Caffrey had a chest full of them. On her left was a group of very comfortable looking couches and a small bookshelf of wine magazines and literature. As a teenager, she had loved coming in here to do her homework, read or think. It was a quiet space that she regarded as her own.
Directly opposite the double-doored entrance, against the back wall, was a crescent-shaped timber bar, probably reflecting her father’s obsession with the moon. At this magic counter, many a tourist came in to taste and comment on Tawny Brooks’ finest wines. Behind it, hanging on the walls, were all the awards they’d won, and several photos of her parents at shows around Perth and interstate. There were even a couple of photos of her and her sisters up there – arms around each other, working behind the bar. They’d all done their fair share at some stage.
Memories swamped her as she moved towards the couches, her eyes glued to those photos. How could something so right become so wrong? Her father was not the man in these photos. Nor was she the girl smiling there.
And Tash … Tash was pregnant!
After hearing the news the day before, she was still trying to process it. It had been a wake-up call, sitting there looking at her sister’s pale and washed-out face, the weight of the world on her shoulders. She was going to be a mother, and she had a decision to make that would no longer just affect her life but the life of her child.
All of Eve’s insecurities seemed to pale into insignificance. She was scared of running the restaurant. In comparison, it was pathetic. People came up against challenges all the time. She could see the lines of determination on Tash’s face, the strength in her heart, the depth of her love. She would get through this. With the support of her family and her sisters, she would get through this.
And then Eve saw herself, always sitting on the sidelines. Not participating and watching life pass her by. Ever since she’d arrived in Tawny Brooks all she’d done was hide. Hide from her feelings, hide from the restaurant and hide from her family, trying to be anything but herself. Being here again for just two weeks, she could feel the earth seeping back into her bones. She loved it at Tawny Brooks. She loved it at Yallingup. She didn’t want to go back to Margareta’s. Why did she let her fear get the better of her?
As if to back up her thoughts, her second biggest fear walked into the room just at that moment. Adonis looked deliciously virile, carrying a rather large carton of cabernet merlot, which he placed upon the bar before turning to greet her. Her heart immediately jumped in her chest as she sat there, caught in the crosshairs of his gaze. His hair was windswept and his eyes glittered dangerously. Why was it that trouble was always so bloody sexy?
‘Hello, Eve.’ His lips turned up in his usual facetious grin. ‘Have you been lying in wait for me?’
‘You wish,’ she returned breathlessly, nerves and eagerness seizing her all at once. Was she actually happy to see him? Who was she kidding? Of course she was happy to see him. Her skin was already clammy.
Damn it! The problem with having a fake boyfriend, who held your hand in public, came to have dinner with you every night, enquired most solicitously about your life and chastely kissed you goodnight while your family waved him out the door, was that you started getting used to that sort of treatment. You started to enjoy it. You started to miss him when he wasn’t around. And if he was late for dinner even by ten minutes, you grumpily began to wonder where the hell he was!
This was
the first time they had been alone together since the conversation in the sitting room when it had all begun. There was no need at all for pretence in here.
‘Well,’ he cocked his head, ‘if you’re not waiting for me then why are you here?’
She shrugged. ‘I just come here to think sometimes.’
‘Really?’ His mouth twitched as though he were about to laugh. ‘You do have some strange habits, Eve.’
She could tell he was thinking about her cooking at three in the morning in her sister’s lingerie, trying to recapture the dream she had lost. She blushed, hoping he wouldn’t call her out again on that.
Luckily he was not looking at her but behind the bar instead. ‘Where are the cellar hands?’
‘I think they just stepped out for a smoke.’
He shook his head. ‘I’ll have to chat to them about keeping this counter manned at all times.’
‘It’s always slow in the morning.’
‘Doesn’t matter.’
There was an awkward silence.
‘All right,’ he nodded. ‘Well, I’ll get out of your hair then.’
She could not quell the disappointment inside her when he headed for the door. A kind of desperation gripped her.
‘Adam, wait.’
He stopped and looked back. ‘What is it, Eve?’
I don’t want you to go.
I want you to stay here and be with me like a real boyfriend.
I need someone to talk to.
Because I’m thinking about taking a risk, about jumping out of this skin.
And … you seem to be the only person I can truly be honest with.
He frowned. ‘What’s happened?’
And because she needed some excuse to keep him around she blurted, ‘Tash’s pregnant and Dad’s having an affair.’
‘What?’
‘You can’t tell anyone.’
He came and sat down on the couch beside her, his eyebrows drawing together. ‘Eve, your father is not having an affair. I think I would know if he was. And as for your sister, well, wow! Isn’t that a good thing?’