by Virlyce
“Uh, can’t do that.” Mm. I don’t know how. And if I don’t know, then it’s not possible.
“Squirrels are being actively hunted by immortals! If they notice, you’ll be hunted down by immortals, Lucia! Immortals!”
What. I was never told this! The crown prince is scary enough as a sky-realm expert, and people scarier than him are going to hunt me down!? I have to call them all back! “Fluffs, assemble!”
…
…
…
It didn’t work. Mm, in any case, I can always deny being a squirrel. I’m a foxkin!
***
Surprisingly, I’m not as uncomfortable with dead bodies as I thought I would be. It probably has something to do with my upbringing, seeing my father going in and out of his torture room and all that. Maybe he brought me inside when I was a baby to watch over me while carrying out his duties…. Nah, that shouldn’t be the case. He’s a duke. There’s no need for him to watch over me personally when there are so many servants around. But what if he was just that worried about me? Father, even if you were worried about me, that doesn’t mean you should torture people with your baby in the room! …And here I am, accusing him of things that he may or may not have even done. My thoughts are running a bit fast; maybe it’s because I want to distract myself as I dissect this sky-realm expert’s corpse.
I’ve browsed through a lot of cultivation techniques, at least tens of thousands. And all of them have the same basic foundation when it comes to building up qi: harness the qi around you, attempt to contain it within your body, unblock your meridians by circulating it once you make it yours, and eventually, reinforce every part of yourself with it. That’s it for the so-called mortal-realm. Once someone’s body has been baptized by qi, they enter the saint realm. That’s when things start diverging into all kinds of weird techniques. But there are still similarities! And I’m trying to figure out what made this sky-realm expert a sky-realm expert and not an earth-realm or saint-realm expert. But I’m not having any luck. It’s also possible whatever made him a sky-realm expert disappeared upon his death.
Knock, knock.
“Ilya, are you there?”
“Yeah, come in, Softie.” Even though her voice was muffled and hard to discern, I knew it was Softie because the only other person who would visit me is Lucia, and she’d never knock. And just like I thought, it was Softie. “What’s up?”
“I-Ilya!?” Softie let out a weird shriek and covered her mouth with her hands. Her eyes were wide like a frightened deer’s, and she took a step back. She trembled as she raised her arm and pointed. “W-what’s that?”
Huh? “What’s what? That’s the sky-realm expert, you know, Sun Fire?”
“I, I see.” Softie swallowed. “Um, can I talk to you about Lucia?”
Of course Softie wants to talk to me about Lucia. Lucia’s the only topic she’ll talk about with me. I wonder if she’s having trouble trying to woo her. No matter how I look at it, Softie doesn’t have a chance because of Durandal. It’s unfortunate because Softie would be a good influence on Lucia, unlike that stupid, sadistic sword spirit. “Alright, come on in.”
“Um, can I talk to you outside of your room? The, the body’s really creepy. It’s unsettling.”
All I did was skin him to peel back his flesh to reveal his bones and organs…. Is it that creepy? It’s exactly like preparing a divine beast for Lucia to cook. Oh, that’s probably why I wasn’t uncomfortable with dead bodies. I almost forgot that experience in the desolate mountains with Lucia. Almost. Damn. I really wanted to forget my past trauma! Oh? What’s this? A black squirrel?
“Don’t touch it!” Softie shouted. But it was too late. The squirrel expanded to a ridiculous size and opened its jaws. Looking into the depths of its mouth, there was only darkness. Wriggling darkness. Why was it wriggling!? And I assume the squirrel ate me because my vision, sense of hearing, and sense of touch disappeared. I could still smell things. And taste things. …I’m going to vomit. This smell is what one would experience after leaving a prisoner to fester in horse manure for a year but ten times worse. I can tell my eyes are watering even though I can’t feel the tears running down my cheeks. And the smell is so thick that I can taste it. It’s sour and rancid and sticky like a giant glob of fat, if fat was made of wriggling maggots. There’s a rock in my throat and … no, that’s just vomit. I’m pretty sure I vomited; though, it’s hard to tell without my other senses.
“Ilya! Are you alright!?”
“…What just happened?” That was absolutely disgusting! I never want to experience something like that again! And this squirrel is just staring at me while eating the heart devil worms coming out of my chest! Wait. Isn’t this Lucia’s Heart Devil Apparition technique…? “Lucia! Damnit, why are you attacking me!?” There’s literally billions or even trillions of other people on this Immortal Continent, but she has to plant heart devils in me!? Is there going to be a tribute system? Am I going to have to offer up a thousand people to save myself? Is that how this is going to work from now on? Fine! Fine! I’ll offer up a thousand sacrifices in my place, you damned squirrel!
Phew. Calm down, Ilya. Lucia didn’t do this on purpose. She’s just an idiot. Lucia has no malice. She’s just an idiot. Lucia would never intentionally harm me unless I insult her first. She’s just an idiot. So why did Lucia’s apparition attack me? Because Lucia’s an idiot. Why did it attack me and not Softie? Probably because I was the one who touched it, but also because Lucia’s an idiot. Why did Lucia even summon her apparition in the first place? Because she’s an idiot. Alright. I’m calm now.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Softie said. “Lucia summoned almost a thousand of her apparitions and set them free to plant heart devils for her. But her apparitions take on the form of the evilest creature known to cultivators, the squirrel! Immortals will hunt her down if they find one of her apparitions and realize it’s a squirrel. You have to create an artifact to hide her appearance because I don’t think she’s smart enough to learn a disguising technique on her own.”
What am I, Fix-it-all Ilya!? Though, it’s true I can create an artifact to disguise her appearance. It’s really not that hard. I just need the appropriate materials. Like, say, a sky-realm expert’s bones and blood. How convenient. But why am I helping Lucia after she just traumatized me again? I wonder if I could trade Lucia in to the immortals and have them open my way home for me…. It sounds like a great idea on paper, but Lucia ruins all common sense. I have a feeling those immortals will get screwed over by her if they do chase her. And once she’s done dealing with them, the person who sold her out would be next. …I guess I’ll get started on that disguising artifact.
***
It’s only been a day since I released all those apparitions, but I’ve already planted several thousand heart devils without lifting a finger. Life’s great. And Fluffles isn’t around to eat all my heart devil wormies when I cultivate! That means I’m steadily growing stronger with every passing second. Soon, I’ll be able to beat the crown prince in a fight to steal his sword! But I’ll probably get enough heads before I have to do that. I’m not saying that I won’t steal the crown prince’s sword later even if I already plant Durandal into a different sword; I’m just saying I’ll do it when I’m strong enough. If an earth-realm-ranked sword is so valuable already, then won’t a sky-realm-ranked sword sell for enough to feed me for the rest of my life and more?
“Stop right there, Shadow Devil Sect!”
Hmm? What’s this? Is, is that a walking fish!? Those fiendish creatures that’ll eat me if I fall into any body of water are able to walk on land!? “Ilya! Softie! Claw! Help!” What if they’re not walking on water, but transporting invisible water around them? I’ll drown! There’s so many of them! And these people are riding on top of them! Are they mermaids? Mm, they’d be mermen since they’re male. But that’s not right. I’m pretty sure those are walking fish! They look exactly like fish and have four legs like a liza
rd instead of fins.
“Lucia?” Softie was the first to answer my call! I knew I could count on her! “Are we being pursued?”
“We’re being pursued by walking fish!”
“Aren’t those fish running?” Ilya asked. Mm? Where did she come from? She just appeared out of nowhere! Wait, that’s Ilya, but she looks like a generic cultivator! Her skin isn’t purple anymore! Is it really Ilya? She sounded like Ilya. …I should dissect her to check. If her brain is larger than a normal person’s, then she must be Ilya. “But of course, Lucia would be scared of fish. Don’t you eat them though? You enjoyed them at that one restaurant with the peacocks.”
Oh, yeah, that’s Ilya. Only she’ll talk to me with that sarcastic tone. I thought I noogied it out of her, but she’s very stubborn. Mm, she’s in her rebellious phase right now, but I’m sure that’ll go away once I find her a hot guy—hormones and all that, you know? Right, taking care of my minions’ mental health is very important! “I like eating fish, but only as a form of revenge!”
The cabin door leading to the deck flew open. Claw drew his sword and dashed to my side. “Chosen Lucia was eaten by fish before?”
“No! It’s taking preemptive revenge! If I ever fall into water, I’m sure all the fish will try to eat me. That’s why I have to eat them first!”
“Chosen Lucia is wise! Junior Brother Claw will keep Chosen Lucia’s advice in mind. Kill those who want to kill you before you do anything that will cause them to want to kill you. I understand.” Claw’s head bobbed up and down. He’s such a good listener! He’s my best minion yet. I’ll reward him with another pair of used panties! I’m not showing favoritism because he complimented my wisdom; I’m being completely impartial! Geniuses are always impartial.
“I said stop! How dare you rob my sect brothers and sisters while I was away!? You even stripped them and placed heart devils in every single one of them! The elders had their limbs removed and taken away! Cultivation paths like yours that rely on bringing down other people have no place on the Immortal Continent. Surrender everything you own and maybe our Great Axolotl Sect will forgive your crimes!”
Axo-what-ul? Mm. It’s probably the walking fish they’re riding on. Why didn’t I see them before if I robbed this person’s sect? Wait a minute…, I probably did rob these people, but I definitely didn’t take their limbs! “Don’t slander me! I only cut limbs off! I don’t take them with me.”
Ilya coughed. Mm. She must be feeling sick. She smells a bit like vomit too. Is she still not feeling too well from getting smacked in the head by Mr. Feathers? He was supposed to be pretty strong compared to normal people…. But I thought she was all better. Ah, it doesn’t matter. If she’s sick, she’ll magic her ailments away. Maybe it’s a side effect of turning into a generic-looking person.
“It seems like you won’t repent! Don’t blame me for being too harsh!”
Whoa. Is this guy a sky-realm expert? My tail’s telling me he’s way stronger than earth-realm experts, but he’s not strong enough to be a real threat. I’ll take his head, unless…. “Hey, are you part of Kang Country or Fang Country?”
“Kang Country!”
Darn. That sucks. I won’t get anything from this encounter! Unless…. “Hey, is that a sky-realm-ranked sword?”
“It’s the peak of earth realm!”
“…Are you wearing sky-realm-ranked boxers?”
“I’ll kill you!”
Guess not. …Does this person have anything worth taking? Mm, well, I guess I’ll just take his ring. Sky-realm experts tend to have a lot of stuff. They’re like hoarders because they’ve lived for a seriously long amount of time. “Ilya, burn away any invisible water on the ground.” I don’t believe those fish are actually walking! This is a trap to lure me into my weakest terrain! But I’m too smart to fall for it.
“It’ll be hard to boil away water,” Ilya said. “Can I just freeze it instead?”
“There’s no water…,” Softie said. Ah, this is why this necklace of intelligence is so great. Only Ilya and I are actually able to perceive the trap. Maybe Ilya should make one of these for Softie. It’s hard for geniuses to associate with people way below their intellect sometimes—such a tough life we live. I’m sure Ilya knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Ilya leaned over the side of the boat and pointed her palm at the running fish cavalry. “Ice, halt my enemies. Frost Nova!”
And just like that, every single one of those walking fish stopped moving as waist-high ice appeared around them, completely covering their legs and lower belly. I knew there was water there! The riders were thrown off from the sudden stop, and that’s when I leapt down to deal with them. How dare these people attack us and stake a claim on our stuff? It’s immoral to try and rob beautiful women like me and Softie! Mm. I’ll take their walking fish too. Into the pouch they go!
“Chosen Lucia, may I harvest their heads? This sky-realm expert is bound to seek revenge on you. Perhaps he isn’t strong enough, but there’s no telling whether or not his uncle is strong enough. Or his father. Or his grandfather. Or any members of his extended family who’ve gone off to make a name for themselves and will conveniently return to seek vengeance on someone who’s wronged their family while they were away. If we get rid of these troubles now, no one will know it was us.”
“Eh? But then how will we rob the rest of his family if they don’t seek us out?”
“Chosen Lucia raises a good point.” Claw lowered his head. “It’s a bit regretful for me to let such a great chance to improve my strength slip away. How about we harvest all but the weakest person’s head? That way, I’ll be able to grow in strength to serve you better, and the rest of their families will find out.”
“Mm…. That’s a good idea….” But murder is wrong. And these people are our allies. The crown prince said internal conflict was completely okay as long as it was outside of the camp, but I, as an upright person, do not approve of wanton killing. There’s—ah! Claw cut the person’s head off while I was thinking! “What are you doing!? You didn’t let me finish my sentence!”
Claw blinked and wiped away the blood that had spurted onto his cheek. “But you said it was a good idea?”
“I wasn’t done speaking yet!”
“I apologize, Chosen Lucia.” Claw lowered his head. “Punish me as you see fit.”
What am I supposed to do? Cut off his head in retaliation? That’d be a waste of my favorite subordinate! “Ah, fine, whatever. You shouldn’t cry over spilt acorn stew. You should lap it up instead because you should never waste acorn stew!”
Claw raised his head. “That means I should give the body to Sister Ilya, right? Waste not, want not?”
And this is why Claw’s my favorite minion. He understands my food analogies! Ah, but I should still be mad at him for killing someone like that! Killing is wrong. Bad, Claw, bad. “Give me back those panties as a punishment.”
“We should make these people swear oaths to the heavens to not speak about what happened here today,” Ilya said. “You don’t want our allies hating us too. If anything, we can have them say they were ambushed by an enemy party that broke the rules of engagement. And before you say anything about robbing them, they already told us their name, the Great Axolotl Sect. Just go over there and rob them when you want. It’s not like sects are very portable.”
Well, if Ilya says we should do something, then we should do it because she’s most likely right. “You heard that, Claw. Have them swear oaths to the heavens.” I’ll check our surroundings just in case someone’s spying on us. Oh? That’s a statue that looks like a formation entrance! That means we’re at the second battlefield! Mm, first things first. I’ll break the statue to weaken my future opponent!
***
Lucia went off to break the entrance to the battlefield’s formation, leaving Brother Claw, Ilya, and me behind to make these people swear their oaths. But I have a feeling that the Great Axolotl Sect members won’t comply that easily since Brother Claw murd
ered their leader. They look extremely angry. If Lucia didn’t shatter their elbows, wrists, and knees out of habit, I’m certain they’d try to kill us. Their leader died, their mounts were stolen, and all their belongings were taken away. I’d be angry too if I were in their position.
Brother Claw pointed his sword at the nearest Great Axolotl Sect member. “Swear an oath to the heavens. You’ll never communicate to anyone the events that’ve occurred today.”
“I refuse!” the man shouted. “You’ll have to kill me before I leave the young master’s death unavenged!”
Brother Claw shrugged, raised his sword, and chopped down in one swift motion. The man’s head flew into the air, eyes and mouth still wide open. Blood spurted out of his neck, splashing onto Brother Claw’s shoes. How could he just kill them like that!? Lucia told him not to! …But she’s too busy breaking the statue over and over again to notice or care about what’s going on here. Then it’s up to me to say something!
“Brother Claw! Lucia said she doesn’t like pointless killing. Isn’t this why we’re having them swear oaths to the heavens? So we don’t have to kill them?”
“Chosen Lucia gave me orders to make them swear oaths. She never specified how I should do it, or how many should survive. The greatest way to spur people on is to threaten their lives.” Brother Claw pointed his sword at another Great Axolotl Sect member. “Swear an oath to the heavens.”
“I will never communicate to anyone the events that’ve occurred to me today. Let the heavens be my witness.” The man’s head was lowered, and tears dropped from his eyes. His chest flashed once with white light, and the sky lit up for a brief moment. The oath had taken effect.
Brother Claw grunted and pushed the man over to the side. Then he looked at me. “See?” Before I could respond, he had already approached another person. There were at least a hundred people who had come to challenge Lucia. It’s a wonder how she disabled them all so quickly. Well, not really. She’s done it millions of times back in Kong County. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who can break joints as efficiently as Lucia.