by Abbye J Leen
"Good morning, beautiful" I whisper.
“Hey gorgeous, the brotherhood’s hosting a party tonight, do you wanna come with me?" he asks, running his fingers through my hair.
I notice that as we speak, he’s annoyedly looking at Moreno, but I’m not going to say anything about it, after all Noah’s even jealous of his own shadow.
"I can’t make it tonight baby, I promised Emily I’d spend the night with her" I sadly reply, declining his offer and he sighs, brushing my hair behind my ear.
"Okay… but tomorrow I want you all to myself. It’ll Sunday, and I’ve already got a sweet, little plan in mind"
"That sounds great. You know, I was also thinking about how we should pay a little visit to Amelia and your mother one of these days. We haven’t seen them both in a while" she says, smiling at me.
"You and you only could get concerned about my mother, too. We’ll figure something out soon, maybe next week but right now, I better get going baby or I’ll be late to practice" he says. I disconsolately nod, as he kisses me one last time before running off.
***
I listen to Emily talk about aeronautics: I do not understand much about it but I let her talk, because that’s a subject she’s obviously really passionate about it, the way I am with art. I haven’t shown Noah any of my works yet, although that’s bound to happen soon, given that one of my pieces portraying him was selected to be exposed at an art exhibition. I haven't even had the chance to tell him yet, because the rare times that we do get see each other lately, there’s barely any room for words. I set myself the goal to tell him soon because even if sex is terrific, communication is equally as important.
"So hey, what do you think about that Moreno guy?" asks Emily, distracting me from my thoughts.
"I don't know, he’s all right, I think. Why?"
"I don't know, he kinda gives me the creeps. Mind you, maybe I’m wrong but… let’s just say he’s someone I wouldn’t accept a ride home from"
I contemplate her words, tossing a couple more chips in my mouth.
"You think so? To me he seems normal, perhaps just a bit odd" I reply.
"Ellie, you’re so, utterly blinded by Noah, that you wouldn't even notice a bull in a China shop!"
"Oh come on Emily, you're being exaggerated now, as usual!" I say, before bursting out laughing, even though she’s absolutely right.
It’s quite late at night when we get back home so, without paying much attention to anything around us, we both head to bed and quickly fall into a deep sleep.
Noah
20
I’ve been drinking ever since I got here: this weird, alcoholic mixture is an actual pleasure to gulp down. The music is way too loud and the bass is literally smashing my ears, to the point that I wish I could just go hide somewhere quiet. A couple of cheerleaders are dancing onto Cris’ tables, half-naked, with their tits in plain view. Their long legs are highlighted by vertiginously high heels and from where I’m sitting, I can clearly see their asses, too.
I shake my head, wondering how my teammates can be drooling all over such cheap hoes, I don’t mean to be antiquate but come on, they’d be willing to fuck anyone who asked. Isn’t it easier and so much better to deal with more discrete girls? Girls that are a little more demure? Not like I’ve never taken advantage of easy girls in my life, because I did plenty of times, but Ellie... Ah, my Ellie…
I think about how she’s turned me into a better person. I think about how she’s managed to have me under her spell all these years and not even realize she was doing it. Every time I simply picture her by my side, I get a stone hard boner and she’s the only girl that’s ever happened with.
I should really just screw this place and get back to her, I really should.
Olivia walks up to me, smiling, as she hands me another cup of that magnificent fluid. I thank her but refuse the offer: being in her company doesn’t interest me at all. Out of the blue I start feeling kind of dizzy, my head starts spinning and my eyelids struggle remain open. Unsteady and confused I drag myself away from all the noise, opening one of doors nearby me and launching myself onto the first available mattress. I can feel a presence crawling on top of my body so I try to open my eyes, but my head is spinning so fast that I’m can barely even move. I try my hardest to move my arm and push Olivia off of me, but as I do so, she forces her lips on mine. I’m so disgusted that the strength to fight back suddenly comes back to me all at once.
"Get away from me! Fuck off!" I say, wiping my lips in disgust.
"You're a real asshole!" she hisses.
"And you a real whore!" I reply, laying my head back onto the pillow. Moments later I’m already sleeping like a log.
***
Hangovers suck, this one in particular. ’I ve been vomiting my guts out non-stop in this toilet since five A.M. this morning. When I woke up in Cris's room last night, I somehow managed to pick up what was left of me and walk back to my apartment. I started feeling so lightheaded, I still don’t know why I drank so much… I, who hate my father and anyone else who uses alcohol as a way to drown their sorrows. I feel like a real hypocrite, not only because of what I did, but also because when I did it I had sorrows to drown, too. I gather up whatever decency I have left, rinse my face and brush my teeth, very vigorously. Ellie won’t be proud of me at all when she sees me. I need to pick her up in a while to spend some time with her and so, I only have a few hours left to recover from last night.
I put on pair of ripped jeans and a white shirt, just the way she likes it, leave my hair a bit messy and head out to her house. I arrive at exactly eleven o’clock, she should be awake by now. I softly knock on her door, but no one answers, so I try knocking a little harder and that’s when a sleepy, yet beautiful Ellie finally opens up for me. I look at her with a smile as she welcomes me in, trying to smooth out her hair, with her eyes still puffy and half closed.
"Come on in and don’t even bother hiding it. I can see that you’re hungover from a mile away" she whispers.
"Wow… I really can’t hide anything from you, huh?" I say with a smile on my face. As we enter inside, we both suddenly remain completely paralyzed. The entire house has been turned completely upside down.
"Oh fuck! Emy where are you? Are you okay?" Ellie screams, searching for her. I, on the other hand, sprint to my girlfriend’s room: Opened drawers, clothes scattered everywhere but, the most absurd part of it all, is what’s written on the mirror:
"YOU WILL BE MINE"
"Oh my God!" says Ellie, cupping her mouth speechless, while rage takes over me.
"Who on Earth could have done this? And why?!" I ask, clenching my teeth.
"I have no idea" she says sitting down, almost fainting on her bed.
"Holy shit!" exclaims Emily entering the room. She starts picking up some of the disseminated clothes. while I move closer and try to comfort Ellie, whose eyes are watering and who’s clearly very nervous and agitated.
"Hey baby, it's okay. I’m right here with you" I tell her, lifting her up and sitting her on my lap. I kiss her tenderly and try to reassure her, telling her that everything is going to be just fine. She knows me, she knows how I am: I’ll never allow anyone to hurt her or take her away from me, ever. She’s mine and nobody else’s.
Ellie
21
I have a very bad feeling inside of me, a sinking sensation in the chest and I am not even entirely sure what’s causing it. It’s not so much for the fact that my room was turned completely upside down, whereas Emily's was left intact, neither is it for the threatening phrase that written on my mirror. Something terrible is about to happen, I can sense it. I take a quick shower and get dressed, leaving everything behind as it is, in order not to compromise the crime scene.
We head out, searching for our headmaster to tell him about everything that’s just happened. The weather outside is pleasant, so I take in a deep breath of fresh air, while Noah holds my hand reassuringly.
"We’re going to the beach a
fter all of this, okay? So, you can relax a little" he says, it’s amazing how he seems to be reading straight through my mind most of the time. We walk slowly, lost in our thoughts, when suddenly we see Cris running towards us from a distance. I stop walking for a second because my shoelaces untied and bend down to fix them before I trip over and fall. Cris does not seem to notice me straightaway and the words he pronounces after confirms it:
"Hey, man, you really got it going on with Olivia last night, huh? She won’t stop talking about it!"
There’s something inside of us, something that we can’t help but feel, when something catastrophic is about to happen. I know that, because I’ve felt that ‘something’ numerous times before in my life: when mom died, when dad stopped being a dad both to me and Amelia... And then, today. There are things in life, capable of killing us from the inside. Things that will mercilessly destroy even the tiniest residues of your already-shattered heart. Fundamental residues, residues that allowed me to still believe that Noah, the boy I grew up with, one of my best friends, the boy I love and the one that I gave everything to, even the parts of my heart that were still intact, never would have hurt me. I lift myself back up, my legs shaking uncontrollably.
"What the fuck are you on about, dude?" Asks Noah, pissed off.
"Hey man, she’s got obvious signs all over her body!" laughs Cris but the moment he notices I’m there as well, the whole atmosphere changes. I’m pretty sure it’s obvious how hurt I am from the look on my face.
"I would never sleep with Olivia!" Noah defends himself, while I no longer want to hear even a single of word. I pick myself up, along with whatever’s left of my pride and leave, heading anywhere that’s distant enough from him.
"Ellie!" he shouts, running after me.
He puts his hand on my shoulder and spins me around to look at him and I can’t help but burst into tears. How could he do this to me?
"You don’t actually believe any of that crap, do you?!" He asks angrily, as if he had the right to be irritated.
"I wasn’t there Noah… and you told me yourself how drunk you got last night!"
"Fucking hell, Ellie… trusting me a little more really wouldn’t hurt, you know? I could never do anything even near that, not even if I was completely hammered!" He shouts.
"Noah..." I say, wiping away my tears, angrily.
"No Ellie, stop this at once. You know how much you mean to me. There’s no need for radical gestures, articulated sentences or big words to make you understand that, you just know it… You know I could never hurt you. I swore that to myself, to Nolan, I swore that to everything and everyone, because I know for a fact that I could never do anything bad to you and this is because I love you, now more than ever… But you, Ellie, you have to start trusting me more, otherwise there’s just no point"
With tears in my eyes, I slowly process every single one of his words and realize that he’s just said that he loves me, aside from everything else.
"Noah, I'm sorry" I admit, walking up to him apologetically. I hug him, feeling his heartbeat as recklessly as usual, but this time around I think it’s doing that because of how angry he is, rather than for my closeness.
"I'm sorry too Ellie, because I still feel it... I can still feel each and every single beat of your heart, whereas it seems like you’ve forgotten all about mine. My heart belongs to you and I’m sick of always having to prove that. I don't want to be constantly put under pressure, I don't want to have to prove to you that I'm not an asshole, because I simply am not, whether believe that or not. I think that we both need to take some time away from each other, to think about things” he says.
His voice breaks as he pronounces those last words. I know Noah and I know that what he’s telling me is not debatable. I know that he’s set his mind to this, he’s decided that we’ll be apart for a while and there’s nothing that will make him change his mind. I watch, as he walks away from me, taking with him my very last heartbeat.
***
Emptiness.
That’s all I’ve been able to feel in my chest, soul and mind lately, just pure and utter emptiness. I still can’t understand how any of this even happened. Things were going great between us, all we needed was each other to be happy, so, very happy and yet, now… I haven't seen him in weeks, not even at college. He seems to have disappeared completely.
Curled up in bed, I keep shedding tears that I’d much rather be holding back. I try to hang on and I try to be strong, but it feels like the world has turned its back on me.
I haven't had the courage to tell Amelia about any of this yet, I know that she would immediately show up if only she knew that I’ve been locked up in my room for days. I couldn’t even show up to some of the classes that I was supposed to attend and now, I have a whole lot of catching up to do.
I keep sobbing, while Emily tries her hardest to support me and make me feel better. She tells me that sooner or later Noah and I will get back together and she also tells me not to worry about Olivia because she’s certain of the fact he despises her, just like she’s certain of the fact that he loves me, instead.
I know that Noah loves me, because otherwise he wouldn’t have told me so and I know that she is right about everything else too. I have to trust him, Noah was never an asshole to me, he’s always put my happiness before everything else, even before his own. I’m sure that if there’s anybody that I want to spend the rest of my life with, well, that’s him and I’m willing to do anything it takes to have him back.
I have to get to Noah’s flat. I can't keep waiting for him to come to me, nor can’t I wait for him to give me a sign. What if he’s just waiting for me to make a move?
But what if he isn’t, though?
As I head towards his locker, my heart starts throbbing insanely hard in my throat, to the point that I find it difficult to even swallow my own saliva. My stomach aches, my head hurts and I feel nauseous, but I don’t even care anymore, I’ve cried so much these past few weeks, that I’ve actually gotten used to feeling this way.
I’ve tried to make myself look as cute possible before coming here. I’ve put on a black miniskirt, a white tank top and black wedges to complete the look, letting my hair fall softly on my shoulders. When I reach his locker, Noah’s there, looking for something on its inside. My heartbeat keeps echoing in my ears and it’s deafening. I can feel it pulsate in my chest, in my throat, in my temples... everywhere.
I try to be brave and ignore the way I feel, walking straight up to him, unhesitatingly. Noah doesn’t look any different than usual, he’s still the same boy I grew up with, the one who knows both how to be a massive asshole and a complete sweetheart, at the same time. I’m afraid of the way he’s going to react, but I force myself not to think about it… I mean, won’t he be at least a little happy to see me? Just as I’m about to approach him, he promptly anticipates me, turning around in my direction. He observes me carefully, as he slams his locker shut, sighing. I wish I could rewind time and undo all of this, but knowing that’s impossible, all I can do is sigh and hope not to faint.
"Hi" I say, as his beautiful eyes keep staring into mine. I can see so much sadness in the way he looks at me and it truly pierces my heart.
"Hey" says he, tucking my hair behind my ear. His touch is so sweet, so familiar and I’ve missed it so much that my eyes start watering.
"How are you?" I ask, in a voice tone so feeble, that I can’t even recognize my own self.
"Could be better" he sighs, grabbing the lower part of my tank top and pulling it down a little, just enough to cover my navel piercing. I know how much it bothers him when other people get to see it... Moving his gaze up he quickly changes his mind though and moves the shirt back up to conceal my breasts instead. I bite my lips, feeling a little guilty and in return, he snorts.
"You are going to drive me completely crazy, sooner or later" he says, running his fingers from the upper part of my arm, down to my hand, which he then intertwines with his and looks at, sighing. He ki
sses my knuckles softly, slowly moving his eyes up to meet mine again and making me lose the ability to speak entirely. If there’s one thing I wish I could do right now, that’s sink into my ex boyfriend’s arms.
"I do trust you, Noah" I say sincerely.
"I know, you've shown me that, several times"
"Then… why did you break up with me?" I ask, trying to remain calm.
"I didn't break up with you, Ellie. I have not considered myself single, not even for a moment, ever since we’ve had that discussion. I did what I did only because I needed you to understand that you have to trust me, always and that I could never hurt you. I might be a professional football player, I might have to deal with millions of half-naked women daily, I might have to be away from you for a long time and you… you will just have to blindly trust me always, the exact same way I do, otherwise there’s no point in us being together, we would just keep suffering and neither of us can afford that"
His words seem to magically mend each wound in my heart.
"I do trust you, I was just afraid Noah. You said yourself how drunk you were that night, what was I supposed to think?"
"I know, I was clouded, but I still perfectly remember what happened. I walked into one of Cris’ rooms to lay down for a bit, because I started feeling sick and could hardly keep my eyes open, before realizing that Olivia had followed me in. The moment she tried to get on top of me, I pushed her away immediately. What she did after that or who she fucked, I haven’t got a clue, but she certainly didn't do anything with me" he says, caressing my face softly.