by Abbye J Leen
Dad seems to have disappeared, no one’s got a clue where he might be. We’ve been checking his bank account every day ever since he left, but there seems to be no activity whatsoever. His colleagues have been looking for him constantly as well, for more than a month now, but in vain. As absurd as it may sound, even mom’s worried about him… Why? Only she knows.
I take my phone and scroll through my photo library: It’s full of pictures of Ellie and I together. I miss her like crazy, I miss everything about her. I miss her face, her smile, her wonderful eyes, her hair, her lips, her kisses, her arms, her caresses, her voice… I miss her body, I miss making love to her and I miss the way I feel when we’re together, I miss when I get to have her all to myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stay away from her, all I know is that I have to, at least until I can fix the mess that’s been going on with my family. I can’t drag her down with me and my problems, I could never add that sort of weight on her shoulders, ever. Her burdens are heavy enough as they are already, given all that she’s been through in life.
All of a sudden Nolan rings me, distracting me from my thoughts.
"Hey man!" I reply.
"We need to talk. I'm in Venice right now, I’ll meet you at Hinano Cafe"
"What? When?"
"Umm... now" he says, hanging up.
I put on a shirt, a pair of shoes and grab my car keys, then head to the kitchen, where mom’s reading a book. She says reading makes her feel better.
"Nolan’s in town, I’m going out for a drink with him" I say and she looks at me, smiling.
"When you’re back, we need to talk" she warns me.
“There's not much to say, honestly" I say. Whatever she was referring to, my answer would still apply.
"You might not have much to say, but I do".
I look at her, wondering how a woman apparently so fragile, can actually have more guts than me at times. I nod, move closer to her and give her a kiss on the cheek, before heading out.
Nolan’s in great shape, his muscles are bigger and he looks slightly taller, too. His bone structure’s a lot more defined, much more manly and that makes me chuckle, because who the hell even is this guy and what happened to my best friend?! It’s amazing how the skinny little boy I used to know, has now turned into a proper, actual adult.
"Hey, man!" I say, high fiving him. We hug, patting each other on the back, then sit down at a table, where the waiter comes get our orders.
"So, what brings you here?" I ask, after we both decide to opt for beer.
"You. You brought me here."
His words have a strange effect on me, I feel both bothered and honored at the same time. I mean, he took a two-hour drive just for me, as if I was the love of his life or something… thinking of which, reminds me about how I never did such a thing for Ellie, not even once.
"What’s wrong Nolan?"
"You're ruining your life"
"Home-studying is not ‘ruining my life’"
"Playing football is your life and you can’t do that from home, can you?" he says. I know that he’s right, but he can’t understand what I’m going through right now.
The waiter comes back with our ice-cold beers, which we take a sip of.
"It’s not like I’ve given up on football, this is temporary"
"Your coach gave you an ultimatum" he says.
I know what my coach said but still, I can’t understand what his point is.
“I know, I’m working on it”
"Now, let me give you an ultimatum" he continues.
I furrow my brows and nervously start bouncing my legs.
"What do you mean?"
“Let me get to it. How about asking for a family flat at campus? If you did, your mom would be able to stay over at yours for as long as she wanted"
"She'd never accept, Nolan"
"Why don’t you simply try asking, for once, instead of always taking decisions instead of others?!" He says, in a harsh manner.
I know that the real reason why he's mad at me is Ellie.
"I know my mom she’d never leave Venice"
"You’re as arrogant and presumptuous as always. You always think you know what others want, you always think you know what's best for everyone, but let me tell you something, you don't know shit!"
"What do you want Nolan?" I ask, losing whatever patience I had left.
"I'm trying to make you understand that you're wasting your entire, fucking life. We all know what a piece of shit your father is, but screwing up your own future, on purpose, is nowhere near a good solution for that. It’s easy to play the victim, isn’t it? Of course, it’s so much easier to just give up on everything instead of actually having to deal with reality, but trust me, no one’s ever going to say: "Oh poor Noah, he’s given up on his dreams to stay by his mother’s side", that’s simply not how things work. Life isn’t a spectator sport, if you keep spending your days in the grandstand, all you’ll end up doing is watch your opportunities pass you by and never come back. If keep letting good things slip away from your hands, you might as well just start waving goodbye to everything and everyone, the people you love as well, those that you swore you’d never hurt, because the moment you realize the humongous mess that you’ve got yourself in, it will be too late to do anything about it, anymore."
I become instantly furious, because he’s right.
"Oh, so this isn’t about me, is it? The only thing that matters to you is Ellie". If it’s a fight he wants, he’ll get one.
"There’s more than just one problem, like I told you but yes, Ellie is the most relevant one, since I have to hear cry over you every day, over the friend who promised he’d never hurt her." he says, insisting.
I get off my chair tossing a ten dollar bill on the table, refusing to sit here and listen to any more of this bullshit, whereas Nolan doesn’t seem to mind either me or my fury and remains stoically sat down on his chair.
"My ultimatum is about Ellie. You know the way I feel about her, I had asked you not to make her suffer... but I guess that was just too much for you. And to think that when I saw you together, months ago, I really thought that you were the right one for her. I can’t believe how wrong I was, given that I am the one who has to comfort her every day, while you won’t even deign to give her a call. What I’m trying to say is that if you keep hurting her the way you are, I’m gonna have to be the one who heals her wounds and I won’t hesitate a minute to do so, because I want to do that. You know it and I know it."
He gets up from his chair, while I try to keep my growing anger under control. How dare he speak to me this way? He, who’s supposed to be my best friend.
Every inch of me wants to smash Nolan’s cute, little nose right now, I’ve got my fists clenched so tightly that my knuckles are white but still, I try my hardest to keep my instincts under control.
"Stay the fuck away from her!" I shriek. He can’t do this to me, no way.
"It’s up to you, Noah. If you decide not to have her, why should I let somebody else take her?" he says and his words make me lose my mind entirely. Neither he, nor anybody else is going to ever go anywhere even near my girlfriend.
"How could you say that?! You're my best friend and she's my girlfriend!"
"She is my best friend and you’re her ex-boyfriend… and even if you are my best friend too, I’m not going to take back any of what I said" he says, underlining the word ex in particular.
What’s really ticking me off right now is the calmness with which he’s telling me this, as if we were just talking about the weather or something. He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s messing with the wrong guy, but I can’t bring myself to explain that to him right now, because my mind is absolutely clouded by the possibility of Ellie being held by and consoled by someone else. After all, what is it that they always say? ‘One door closes and another one opens’. How can I be certain of the fact that nobody’s there with her, in this very moment? How did I not take any of this into conside
ration earlier?
That thought, which up until a moment ago had never even crossed my mind, is now quickly making its way inside of me. It’s insidious, uncomfortable and disconcerting. A blinding rage takes over me, making me unable to think straight and reason any longer. In an instant, I slam my fist straight into his face, well aware of the fact that things between us will never be the same again from this moment onwards. When his nose collides with my knuckles, instead of feeling relieved, I actually feel worse. I can't believe I hit him, the one and only real friend I’ve ever had, the only one I’ve ever trusted.
"Fucking hell!" He says, cupping his nose with both his hands. He stays still for a couple of seconds, then smirks in a very ambiguous way and I’m not sure how to feel about that.
To my outmost surprise he punches me right back, luckily not on my nose though: Ellie adores it and I would never want it to break.
"You're a fucking asshole!" I yell at him.
"And you're a fucking dickhole!" he replies.
We glare at each other, both out of breath. We’ve made such a big mess that everybody’s staring at us in shock, the waiter especially.
"Fuck you!" I yell at Nolan, before adjusting my shirt and turning my back to him.
"You better mark my words, Noah" he shouts back.
I wish I could turn around and punch him again, however I restrain myself and head home instead, feeling completely devastated and uneasy.
I enter my house and run straight to the freezer, looking for some ice to put on my cheekbone. Holy shit do I hate Nolan.
"Noah, what the hell have you done?" asks mom, taking for granted that I am the one at fault.
"Nolan punched me in the face" I say, briefly explaining to her what happened. She remains in silence, avoiding any judgment on either mine or his behavior.
"He's right, Noah. I don’t need you to babysit me, I can make it perfectly fine on my own" she says.
"You wound up in the hospital mom, with a head injury. Instead of keeping you safe and protected, your husband beats the crap out of you and that’s fucked up! I have to watch over you, I can’t risk something bad happening to you again, don’t you get it? How could I possibly abandon you again?"
"You wouldn’t abandon me Noah, I wouldn’t be on my own. Amelia would come by me every day and trust me, your father won’t be back anytime soon, I'm sure of it. He’s too much of a coward to face the consequences of his own actions, he knows well what awaits him here. I’ll be safe but you… you can't throw your life away in fear that he’ll hurt me again! You do you and I do me, it's not your job to protect me. I used to be the one who had to protect you, but I must have failed at that at some point, since you grew up to be a person who beats his best friend up because of such an insignificant provocation. I got it all wrong with you"
"You didn’t do anything wrong mom, the only thing you should have done differently was leaving dad sooner, the very first time he dared put his hands on you"
I should have held that back, because I really don’t like thinking about those type of events. I shake my head, trying to push my thoughts away, while mom carries on talking.
"Noah, you have to go back to college. Your coach called the other day and he sounded worried. As a mother, I need to make sure that my son follows his true path in life, not that he’s gives up on it because of me. I won’t let you do that, I won’t let you waste your life because of me, that’s just not feasible. I want to see you happy, Noah. I want you to be ambitious and determined as always, I want you to make all of your dreams come true and I want you to go get back the only girl I’ve ever seen you truly happy with, the one who makes you a better person. You’ll always be welcome to come back and visit me whenever you like. I’ll be right here, waiting for you, the way I always have" mom concludes.
Seven years-old
I'm sitting down at the kitchen table studying geography. Dad’s home as well and it’s been a couple of years now, that whenever he’s around, not a pin drops, especially not when he’s drinking. Mom is slicing up peppers for dinner, as I continue to analyze and study the map in front of me. Geography really sucks, I’d much rather go out, call Nolan and play football with him. We’re a winning pair, that’s what they always tell us at school at least. I hear dad mumble some words that make mom sigh, she looks pretty worn out, but when she looks at me, she smiles. I notice a bruise under her eye and sigh as well, because I know well what that means.
Dad enters the kitchen blabbering something that I do not understand the meaning of, as he steps closer to mom.
"Artur please, Noah’s here" says she, carefully posing the knife in her hands on the kitchen counter. My father grabs her by the hair, in a way that I do not like at all, then whispers something to her ear.
"Let me fuck you" I hear.
What that means, again, I haven’t got a clue, but mom certainly doesn’t look like she wants to do what he’s asking her to. He pulls her violently towards him, as she tries to escape from his grip… and that’s when he hits her.
The first slap makes a noise so loud, that I can’t even begin to imagine how bad it must have hurt her. Mom says nothing, but that isn’t enough to calm down the beast that is my father. He grabs her by the hair again and smashes her head on the tabletop, then, there goes another slap. At this point, as if he hadn’t exaggerated already, he punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground. Still unsatisfied, he starts kicking her in the stomach. Mom is screaming out in pain now, so I instinctively get up and run to the rescue. I place myself between them, because mom's exhausted and she literally cannot move anymore, but now, it is me who he beats.
I straightaway get kicked in the stomach several times he then slaps so hard that my right eat tingles and when he punches my eye, I can feel blood slowly flowing down face. Only then does he stop.
From that moment on, began what will turn into a very long series of interventions between me and his rage against mom.
Ellie
31
I'm reluctantly reading "Pride and Prejudice" as a Literature assignment. Great, having to carefully analyze an exasperatedly long novel about love was just what I needed... not.
I’m sitting down against this wonderful tree that I’ve fallen in love with ever since Noah left, allowing myself to get lost in the words that the author, Jane Austen, has written long before I was even born. It’s crazy to see how things haven’t really changed as much from that time to ours, the one persistent, common enemy always is and remains love: A feeling that everyone aspires to try, but that for some reason, always ends up causing so much pain and anguish. I sigh, reading:
"You must learn some of my philosophy: Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure", but how am I supposed to do that, when the only ‘thing' that ever gave me pleasure, is the very same one that tore my heart apart in a million tiny pieces?
I get distracted by someone delicately touching my hair, so I immediately turn around to see who it is, but my disappointment is rather evident, when I see Moreno standing behind me, smiling.
"You looked so absorbed in your thoughts" says he, sitting kind of too close to me.
"Yeah" I say, getting back to the book that I need to get out of the way as soon as possible.
"Wanna grab lunch with me?" he asks, hopeful. For months I’ve been declining his invitations, but it doesn’t look like he’s caught the hint yet.
"I'm sorry, but I’m supposed to meet Emily at lunch already"
He stares at me in a weird way, that I really don’t know how to decipher, might it just be disappointment? I don’t know and I don’t know whether it is for the look on his face or whatever, but I feel really bad letting him down once again, so without giving it a lot of thought, I ask him if he wants to join us. Emily’s not going to be happy about this, but it’s not like I’m particularly excited about it either.
"Sure!" he says smiling. I get up and ready to leave my safe place, thinking about the fact that I’m gonna have to find a new
one, a more discreet and hidden one, where Moreno won’t bust me. I don’t know how, but he always finds me, no matter where I go. I don't know whether it’s me, being awful at finding secret spots or him, being way too intrusive in other people’s lives, mine in particular.
The moment Emily sees me with him, I can straightaway tell how disappointed she is from the look on her face. She walks up to me and pulls me aside with her, letting Moreno walk ahead.
"He's a stalker, I'm sure of it" she mouths and I, in response, have to bite my lower lip, to stop myself from bursting out laughing. We sit outside a small cafe and grab a bite quite quickly, because we all have class in less than an hour.
My portrait’s due today, I’m going to have to hand it in to the head-professor, the one who organized the exhibition and I’m pretty excited about it, although I’ve had to spend the whole of Sunday staring at Noah’s face and honestly, I cannot say I enjoyed doing that, at all. Moreno tells us a little bit more about himself as we eat, he speaks to us about his childhood, about how good life in Italy was and about how the food over there is and always will be on a whole another level. We listen to him without really asking many questions, we would never want to encourage his talkativeness. He now brags about himself, about how he likes to surprise others, about how he’s someone that’s willing to do anything for people he cares about and blah, blah, blah.
I can't help thinking that overall he’s just a jerk, but for obvious reasons, I’m not going to say that out loud. I silently thank Emily when she gets up and pulls me away by the wrist.
"Well, thanks for the company sweetheart, but we really have to get going now" she says, putting a lot of emphasis on the word sweetheart, making me chuckle for the second time today. Maybe I really am doing better, I think to myself, while Moreno waves us goodbye and Emily drags us both away from him.
"We have to find a way to get rid of that guy" she says as soon as we’re far enough from him.