by Abbye J Leen
"Ellie!" I yelp, but get no clear answer, just whimpers. I'm feeling so agitated at this point, that I lose my shit completely and start punching and kicking the door.
"Phil, open up this fucking door. Don’t you fucking dare touch her, I swear I will snap all of your fingers off!" I scream out.
The mere thought of something happening to her destroys me. How the fuck have I left her alone all these months? What made me think that was a good idea?!
I don't think twice about it and start hitting the door as hard as I can and finally, after a well-set kick, it eradicates, falling loudly to the ground. What I find is Phil, lying on top Ellie, who’s clearly in no position to react: she’s so drunk that she doesn’t even realize where she is right now. I grab Phil from the collar of his shirt, lift him off of her and literally launch him against the wall. I turn around to look at him and I can’t help myself from punching him in the face, twice. He tries to fight back, clutching onto me as he falls to the ground and making me lose my balance, but that’s about all he can do, he even tries to complain, but he’s so out of it that he’s can’t even put a sentence together. I stand back up and reach Ellie, I observe her, sleeping on the bed that he laid her down on. I delicately pick her up and carry her into my arms, as she slowly opens her eyes and looks at me.
"Here he is, my love" she says, leaning her face against my chest. I have to get her away from here, but I also need to sit down for a second first, because her words made my legs shake.
Still holding her lovingly, I rest for a second on the bed with her.
"You could have just told me that you wanted a threesome, jeez..." Phil says, making me realize just how really shitfaced he is as well. That’s a relief: as drunk as he is, he never would have been able to go all the way with her.
"Out of the way, Phil" I growl. He bursts out laughing and walks away, but collapses on the floor the very second, he steps out of the door. I will never understand why some people drink so much, purposely. I mean, why stoop so low? I look at Ellie once again, as she rests in my embrace, her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. She raises her head slightly, bringing her lips closer to my neck, which she then softly kisses.
"God, I’ve missed this scent" she mumbles.
"I’ve missed yours too" I whisper back to her.
She remains silent for a couple of minutes, then lifts her head up again and says:
"You broke my heart into so many pieces that I don’t know if ill ever be able to put it back together"
Her voice is feeble, yet powerful enough to kill me on the inside.
"I’ll find a way Ellie, I will find a way to fix it, if it’s the last thing I do" I swear to her, knowing for sure that this is a promise that I’ll be faithful to, no matter what.
Eighteen years-old
"Pssst, Ellie!"
Noah’s been bugging me ever since Chemistry started, while Nolan, sitting next to him, is shamelessly laughing his ass off.
"Jesus Ellie, are you deaf or what?" he says under his breath. I might as well pretend to be, given his almost inaudible voice tone.
"What the shit do you want, Noah?!" I ask, turning his way.
"We need to go somewhere later"
"I'm busy"
"Busy doing what? Biting your nails?"
"Oh yeah, as if Noah! Come on, you know I have to help Amelia back at the hotel!" I cut it short although that’s a lie, I finished doing everything that I had to do before coming to school. The truth is that Noah’s a bit of a man-whore and most girls here would take a bullet for him, if we ever did go out, it’d mean that we’d have to stop every five seconds to say hi to someone who would very likely be staring at him with heart-shaped eyes the whole time and honestly, I couldn’t stand that.
"That’s not true, you finished doing everything you were supposed to this morning!" says he offended. I turn around to look at him again, wondering how the hell he knows that. Lucky for me, just as I’m trying to come up with an excuse, the bell saves me, ringing loudly and interrupting the conversation. I pick up my books, put them all inside my backpack and wait for them two to do the same.
"Why are you bullshitting me?" Noah says, still angry. I don’t understand why he’s so upset about this.
"Just because I helped Amelia this morning doesn't mean I won’t have to help her again tonight. I also have to go check out how dad’s doing"
"Fine I’m coming with you then, but once we’re done you’re coming with me"
I roll my eyes: "Why? What is it that you have to do, Noah? Besides, why can’t you go with him, Nolan?"
"Because he wants to go with you, not me" says he, smirking.
"Right, that explains so much" I say, elbowing Noah.
He laughs, lightly pulling my hair as a comeback and I raise my eyebrow at him, as we keep heading towards the exit.
Ah there she is, the most unbearable girl of them all! She used to run the school’s newspaper, which is why I don’t understand what Noah sees in her at all, I mean, he doesn’t even usually look at girls unless they’re half-naked... but with Roxie it’s different.
"Hey Roxie" he says, walking towards her.
“I don’t get it, why isn't he just going with Roxie? Why does he need me to go?”
Nolan shrugs, sighing. I wonder what’s on his mind.
"I don’t know, maybe he wants to buy her a present but needs woman advice first? Not sure"
"Noah giving something… to someone?" Well, that’s a first! The brunette jumps at Noah's neck and kisses his face softly. I’m about to vomit, as he hugs her and say goodbye to her, after which he walks back to us.
"What were you staring at, darling? You jealous?" he teases me, laughing and wrapping his arm over my shoulders.
"Yeah, you wish Noah. I was simply waiting for you, since you’ve been begging me for hours to come with you God knows where"
He kisses my forehead and for some reason, that instantly relaxes every nerve in my body. I melt completely and whether I like it or not, butterflies invade my stomach, like every single time Noah touches me.
Noah actually ended up coming with me, after all.
Amelia and I had to come up with some plausible tasks to be doing and I had to look credible as I carried them out, because I didn’t want to look like a liar in Noah’s eyes. We then paid a quick visit to dad, even though I regretted that the very instant I saw him, as usual. His room was dark and the air inside felt heavy, but that’s no surprise, given he barely gets out of bed anymore. The first thing I did was open up the windows to let some fresh air in, then I tidied up a bit and at last, I even convinced dad to eat something. As I was doing all that Noah watched me, in silence. In his eyes, I saw something that I’d never seen before, something that I couldn’t quite grasp and that’s weird, because I thought I knew Noah like the palm of my hands.
"So where are we going?" I ask, climbing into his car. I wonder the number of girls that have sat here before me, I can’t even begin to imagine all of the nasty things these car seats must have seen.
"I'm not sitting on any weird bodily fluid now, am I?" I ask with a disgusted expression on my face.
"I never let girls ride with me, Ellie"
"Wait then, what does that make me?! Am I no longer a girl?" I kid.
He laughs wholeheartedly, then looks at me, slightly caressing my cheek. It’s awkward, we never touch each other this way, not always at least, because sometimes we do end up being all over each other, even if we don’t mean to. Nolan and I always hug and mess around, but I never feel embarrassed or intimidated by it, whereas with Noah, well, it’s a whole another story. Every time we touch, I feel something unique and powerful growing within me, something inimitable, something unique.
We look into each other’s eyes, ours is a very intense gaze, that we both can’t seem to understand the meaning of, or that perhaps we’re simply pretending not to.
A few more seconds go by before we look away, then Noah clears his throat and says: "So, um, It’s becau
se of a tattoo that I’ve asked you to come. I’m getting my first one done and I want you to be there with me as it happens"
I smile because that’s one of the sweetest things that I’ve ever heard. I feel like an idiot now... to think that I wanted to turn him down this morning!
Noah comfortably sits on the salon’s chair. He looks at me, smiling, as the tattoo artist stamps a perfectly symmetrical anchor on his bicep.
“So, is this dollface’s your girlfriend or what?" asks the guy. I don’t know whether it’s for that bad-boy look he’s got or for the number of tattoos covering his body or if it’s simply because he’s got such a breathtaking smile, but I feel extremely flattered by his words. Noah looks at him, tight-lipped, while I can’t hold back a timid smile. As I’m about to answer the question, Noah intervenes:
"Of course,she’s my girlfriend, why else would she be here?" says he, looking at me sternly. It’s as if he were daring me to contradict him, which is what I’d usually do, but not this time, because I can’t deny that feel secretly pleased about him calling me that.
I roll my eyes at him and before I get back to skimming through the tattoo magazine in my hands, Noah smiles at me and he does it so warmly, that I would melt like snow on a hot day, if only he weren’t one of my best friends.
"What a shame!" says the tattooer, earning himself another angry glare from Noah.
***
"It's so beautiful, but why an anchor?" I ask, gently spreading some lotion on his new tattoo, then wrapping it in a layer of plastic.
"It symbolizes safety, hope and salvation... and I need all three of them”
This was the moment he first conquered my heart.
Ellie
33
I’ve been vomiting unabated for the past two hours, right in front of Noah’s eyes and I feel horrible about it.
Even if the fault is all his, he still shouldn’t have to see me in this state, not after what he’s had to go through during his childhood, not after knowing that he’s had to watch his alcoholic father come home like this on a daily. He delicately holds my hair out of my face, while I hold onto the toilet, struggling to keep any balance whatsoever. I feel incredibly ashamed, but I don't have enough strength to do anything about that right now.
It’s quite late at night and Noah’s brought me back to my apartment after Phil tried to…
My God, I can't believe he put his tongue in my mouth, or tried to at least, I can’t quite remember. I struggle to recall precisely what happened, my memory of that night is all fogged up, all I know is that whatever it was I sure as hell did not want it. About half an hour later, nausea seems to be finally giving me a break, so I take advantage of that to try and stand back up, finding Noah right by my side, ready to hold and support me as I do so.
The first thing I do is brush my teeth because I feel a crazy urge to do so, then rinse everything up with mouthwash, still not knowing how to this day, although the foul, persistent taste of vomit refuses to leave my mouth.
Still shaking, I attempt to walk back to my room, but I’m struggling, and it shows. Noah steps in, placing an arm behind my knees, the other behind my neck and then lifting me up and I, of course, gladly let myself get carried to bed, cuddled by the warmth of his embrace.
He’s so handsome, perfect and smells so, so good.
I hate him, really, but still I cling tightly onto him, because I’ve missed him. I’ve missed him so much these past few months and when he kissed me earlier… what a kiss it was! I should have stayed there with him when that happened, I should have put my pride aside, instead of rushing back to the party to wipe the taste of his lips out with alcohol. I regret what I did, but I was so overwhelmed by it all and just couldn’t fight it. Noah is like a drug to me, he drives me completely crazy.
He lays me down in bed and places himself next to me, then holds me tight and close into his arms, while I do the same. I want him, with all of myself, but at the same time I can’t just keep acting as if nothing had happened, because something did happen and I had to pay the consequences of it.
His shoes drop to the ground, while I don’t even know where mine are. He sighs leaning his forehead agains mine, still holding me tightly, as if he was worried about having to let me go, as if he was afraid of losing me, as if he couldn't live without me... when in reality, we both know that he can and he's proven that well in the last few weeks.
I push away my thoughts, also thanks to the throbbing veins beating in my temples that make me physically unable to think straight. Right now, there’s nothing more that I want to do other than enjoy the warmth of the boy I love with all my heart.
"Ellie" he whispers. He tightens his arms around my waist, pulling me even close and I can’t help feeling protected, safe, at home.
"Yes?" I whisper back to him.
"Did he touch you? Did... did something bad happen to you?" He asks, stroking my head softly.
"No, well, I don't remember... he might have kissed me" I mumble, unable to keep my eyes open. I feel so ashamed right now, that I could literally sink through the floor. Noah sits up and puts his shoes back on.
"Noah" I whisper to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. I don't want him to leave, not now, because now he’s about to head off and tomorrow, when I’ll have sobered up, I’ll be way too busy fighting him to want him next to me.
“I’ll be right back Ellie” he says, without even looking at me and I don't have the strength to say anything. I don’t have enough strength to react, move or even think right now, so I remain laid down in bed with my eyes closed, conscious enough only to realize that my apartment door’s just been abruptly shut.
***
Where the hell is this damned migraine coming from? I'm lying down in bed curled up on my side, when suddenly, I feel someone moving behind me, so I hold still. What the shit did I do last night? I don’t have the guts to turn around and give myself an answer, so instead, I lift the bedsheets up, to at least see what I’m wearing. It's just panties and bra.
Panties and bra.
My heart starts beating out of control, as I think about how Noah will never forgive me if he finds out about this, especially not now that he’s back at college, now that our wounds had a chance to heal. I just had to go and screw it all up, didn’t I? Lacerating whatever was left of us, irreparably.
The person behind me moves again, bringing his nose to the side of my neck and my heart starts beating even faster, because I recognize that gesture and I know who it’s coming from. I feel agitated and yet relaxed, at the same time, because the pain and anguish with which I would have had to live the rest of my life with if I had cheated on Noah, is something that I’m not going to have to face after all.
I can feel my body coming more and more in contact with his. I sigh, I don’t know whether in relief or not and turn around to look his beautiful face. His eyes are still closed, his breath slow-paced and there’s a hint of beard on his jaw. His hair looks a little more rebellious than usual and his lips, plump and juicy, are enhanced by a sweet, natural pout.
How is he so, damn hot?
If he wasn’t, perhaps, things would be a whole lot easier. I haven't talked to Noah for months now. I’m having a meltdown just looking at him and feel like crying. I wish he could both stay and leave, at the same time. I feel vulnerable, sad and empty.
I wish I could run my fingers on his face, I miss his soft skin a lot. I wish I could kiss him, the way we did last night because yes, that part I remember well. It was as great as always, so intense, engaging and unexpected. A ten out of ten kiss. I smile, looking at him, but then anguish takes over the moment I seriously think about all that has happened between us.
I take advantage of the fact that he’s still asleep to observe him carefully, secretly almost. His perfect face, his perfect body, the way his jeans perfectly wrap around his long, muscular legs and his impeccably sculpted chest, swathed in a blue shirt that wonderfully enlightens his complexion, giving him the typical look of a guy
who will always be out of your league.
I can’t believe how much I love you, Noah… I think to myself, but then I also think about the state in which he left me, the way he abandoned me, how he simply vanished from my life for God knows what reason... and I can’t help but wish that I could just kick him out of bed. All of a sudden though, my head is invaded by flashbacks from the previous evening and I’m mortified, if I think about the fact that Noah’s had to hold my head up while I was vomiting my guts out.
When he opens his eyes, those almost see-through of his, those very same eyes that kidnapped my heart back when I was still just a child, I just wish that I could wipe the past few months out entirely, with all my heart.
”Hey" says he, rubbing his eyes. My sight falls immediately on knuckles, all red and scarred, which leads me to have yet another flashback from last night: me blabbering about the alleged kiss Phil gave me.
"What happened to your hand?" I ask, but rather than a question mine sounds more like an accusation, maybe because I am accusing him.
"Nothing to worry about " he minimizes.
"You did not beat Phil up, did you?" I say, getting out of bed, as he sits up.
"Yes. I did beat Phil up, because only a dickhole like him could take advantage of my drunk girlfriend and think to get away with it” He responds angrily, getting out of bed as well.
"I'm not your girlfriend anymore, you dumped me two months ago!" I scream out angrily, pointing my finger at him. I cannot believe his audacity, he seriously thought that he could just back come here and act as if nothing were, as if nothing had changed between us?
"To me you are, you were and always will be my girlfriend" he says, walking towards me.
"You’re so arrogant Noah, as always. You think you can treat me like shit and do whatever you want, then expect me to still be there for you when you change your mind, but that’s not how things work. That’s not how I work"