by Abbye J Leen
"Ellie... you can’t go out on your own"
"Yes, I can, Noah! There’s going to be loads of people around and I’ll only be gone for five, ten minutes max. I don't want to be oppressed, I just want to buy cake, like a normal person!"
"Ok then, I’m coming with you"
"No, you’re not Goddammit!" I say, raising my voice.
Noah stands up, slamming his papers on the table and then starts shouting at me.
Noah shouting at me.
Unbelievable.
"The hell I’m not coming Ellie! For Christ’s sake, someone fucking tried to kill you! I don't know who it was, nor where this person might be right now and I have no way to know that at all. What if this person is out here right now, just waiting for you to take that first step outside on your own, huh? You can't keep acting as if nothing happened Ellie because it did. It did and to avoid it does again, we have to be very fucking careful okay? I do not give a damn if you feel oppressed, because for the past few months I’ve been tormented day and night by the image of you lying in a pool of your own blood and trust me, that’s a whole lot worse than simply oppressive" He says, running his hand through his hair, then sighing.
I feel guilty but not enough to let him win this argument, so I turn my back to him undisposed, crossing my arms over my chest. I realize how childish my own behavior is, but apparently my brain suggests that I keep at it. Noah steps closer me, he is frustrated, I know it, just like I know that I’m not making things any easier on him.
"Let's go get this damn cheesecake then" I say, in the end.
The little shop is a lot more crowded than I thought, so I decide to wait for Noah outside and he agrees with it, but only because he can still keep an eye on me from the inside. It’s rather cold outside tonight and I’ve made a huge mistake thinking that this jacket would have kept me warm enough, the weather here is much different, nowhere near as hot or sunny as California’s. I take look around me and I’m enchanted, by the city’s bright lights and its wonderful streets, so full of life. Some of the people that pass me by are dressed in very bizarre ways, others instead are super elegant, strutting down the road as if it was a catwalk.
I chuckle, seeing an old lady wearing a pair of fluorescent pink slippers, a weary, orange cardigan and a brown hat with a pink flower sticking out on top of it.
Suddenly, a familiar voice brings me back to Earth, distracting me from my observations. I look up and my heart jumps: It’s Moreno, walking towards me in company of another boy and they’re only a few steps away.
"Ellie! What a small world we live in!" He exclaims.
"Yeah, hi" I say. I look away from him and immediately at Noah, who’s busy purchasing the pastries though.
"How are you? I mean, after what happened…"
I raise my hand, palm forward towards him and stop him mid-sentence. If I did feel like talking with someone tonight, that was certainly not him and certainly not about that topic. As I impatiently wait for Noah to walk out of the shop, Emily’s suspicions about Moreno keep echoing in my head.
"I don't feel like talking about it, but I'm fine"
"Are you on your own?" He asks, staring at me with those big, wide eyes of his, the way he always has, making me feel extremely anxious and uneasy.
"Of course not! Noah’s about to come out of that shop, see?" I hasten to say, indicating my boyfriend, who’s paying at the cash register.
"Ah yes, Noah! I never miss any of his matches, he’s phenomenal, really! I wish could wait for him to come out and say hi, but we really need to get going now or else we’ll be late to our appointment. Oh right, this is Mat by the way - Mat nods at me - Anyways, it was nice seeing you Ellie, I hope we can do that again sometimes!" says he, giving me a half-assed hug before walking away, leaving me dazed, confused and above all flustered.
Noah exits the place just moments after, it doesn’t look like he’s noticed anything. I smile at him and he smiles back, enthusiastically showing me the cake box in his hands:
"Your every wish is my command, my love"
I feel so, terribly guilty and stupid about the way I whined to him earlier on and I can’t but silently thank him, with all my heart, because who knows what might have happened, had he not stopped me from coming here on my own. I take a step closer to him, holding back the urge I have to cry, scream and externalize all of my fears and insecurities. I encircle my arms around his neck and kiss him avidly, as if I were to have no more chances to do so. Noah hugs and kisses me back with a lot of passion, intensity and warmth, as if he knew that that’s exactly what I needed, as if he could sense all my fears, which wouldn’t surprise me to be honest, given his extraordinary ability to see through me. Our tongues keep dancing together, while the frantic city slowly fades, over the sweet sound of our synced heartbeats.
Obsession
I see her, I observe her, and I desire her so much.
So much that I’m going insane.
How I wish her arms were wrapped around me, how I wish her lips were kissing mine.
How I wish she was mine... and she will be.
Soon enough she will be.
Because that’s how things are supposed to go.
Because we are meant to be. We were made to be together.
It’s not with him that she should be with, he is not the one for her, he is not the one she truly wants and it's up to me,
to make her understand that.
It is I, the one she wants.
It is I, the one she needs.
Nolan
51
I'm about to be left alone with Ellie, which is truly amazing, considering the fact that I haven’t been able to do so in literal years. Noah thinks that I don’t realize it, but it’s obvious that he can’t stand me being around her, he does nothing but emphasize it, in a very subtle and passive aggressive way:
"Nolan, please watch out for my girlfriend"
"Nolan please, keep your eyes on my girlfriend at all costs"
Why doesn’t he tattoo ’Noah Williams's property’ on her forehead, while he’s at it?
For the millionth time today, he tells me to call him if we have any problem whatsoever, no matter how small or irrelevant and I roll my eyes at him. He’ll be gone for only two days, but it’s as if he was about to go to war or something. He’s so exaggerated, I think to myself, but I say nothing and for once, I look away when he pulls her closer to him and kisses her ardently. He always holds her so tight, almost possessively, as if every part of her belonged to him and it saddens me a lot. Who knows what might have happened, only had I played my cards differently with her.
She chuckles, then whispers "I love you" to him, which leaves me wondering, how? How did she fall in love with this one person only, throughout the course of her entire existence? How did she simply choose someone she’s known ever since kindergarten and then decide that he would be it? Full stop? Not that I have any rights to speak, but unlike her, I have had several other partners, not to mention all the ones that Noah’s had.
Just thinking about the myriad of girls he’s slept with makes me infuriated, knowing that she’s never had anybody else besides him. Ellie was only ever Noah’s.
The way they’re kissing looks so nice, so intimate… I force myself to push these thoughts away and when Noah finally leaves, I sigh in relief.
"He’s a clingy one, huh?" I ask my best friend.
"Yep" she answers, smiling, as she tucks her hair behind her ear sort of nervously.
"I'm sorry that you have to babysit me, Nolan. I need to get going now, I should be done by half past eleven, then I... "
"Then I’ve got a little surprise for you, for old times’ sake - I say, interrupting her - Right, we better get going then, I’ll walk you there before Noah goes ape shit and starts texting me things like whether you’ve made it to MoMA alive or not" she laughs and I can’t help but linger on her absolute beauty.
When Noah phoned me to ask if I could come here and keep Ellie company whilst he w
as gone, I immediately started planning things out. I know how much she loves nature and New York’s not exactly a very green city, parks aside, which is why I’ve organized us a trip to the Buttermilk Falls State Park.
***
We’ve been traveling for about two hours now and we should be left with two more to go. Ellie’s fallen asleep in the meantime, she seems at ease and relaxed laid down in the passenger’s seat and I’m so happy to see that because it shows just how safe she feels with me as well, which she is and naturally always will be.
I’ve booked us a cozy, rustic house, where we can spend the whole day at being completely surrounded by nature, given the wonderful lake nearby, waterfalls and forest-like setting.
I really can’t wait.
Noah knows nothing about it, obviously and when I’ll pick Ellie up from work and tell her about the amazing surprise that awaits her, I will also add how it was actually Noah himself who helped me arrange it all, so that she won’t have to worry about him worrying. That’s a lie of course, but I know him too well, he would never allow his girlfriend to go on a trip with her best friend, without him. I’m sure that he’ll understand though, after all, I’m only doing this so that Ellie can relax and enjoy herself
…and hopefully, understand who she should have chosen all along.
Ellie
52
I walk alongside Nolan, observing the crisp, copper leaves gently falling off the trees, as I think about how truly bewildering this place is. I’d like to make a painting out of it someday, the warm autumnal colors are truly stupefying, they remind me of when I was still just a child and dad would take us camping and hiking around the woods, it was nice, to feel so carefree, so happy. Mom was right, dad used to be a happy and jovial person once, but when she died, a part of him died with her. I wonder what my reaction would be if something similar were to happen to Noah, I’d probably feel so empty, completely devoid of happiness and risk falling straight into an abyss of negativity and sadness, but unlike my dad, I’m sure that I’d try to move on at some point, because I know that’s what Noah would want. He would never want my light to go out for any reason whatsoever, I’m certain of it. It would be difficult, almost impossible for me, but I would try to fight back with all the possible strength. I’d do it for him, for me and for all the people that love and care about me. I’m sure that mom would have wanted the same for dad, I’m sure that she would have wanted him to find a way to deal with the pain, to react to it, for us.
It's almost evening now, the sun’s about to set. Nolan asks what’s on my mind and I tell him that places like these remind me of when we were younger, back when we were just kids, back when we’d spend entire afternoons just laughing, playing and having picnics with both our families and Noah’s. Nolan stiffens as I finish the sentence, but I can’t understand why.
"Have you ever thought about what it would have been like, if you’d chosen me instead of him?" says he, suddenly.
I look at him completely discombobulated, to the point it takes me a few seconds to fully understand what he’s just said.
"No Nolan, I never thought about you that way".
"Why not?" asks he, suddenly enraged.
I instantly freeze.
"I do not know" I reply, feeling as if I were about to choke, because at last, the memory of that afternoon comes back to me. At last, I realize how extremely in danger I am.
One month earlier
Nolan stares at me in a strange, almost creepy way. We’re late to Noah’s game, who’s probably wondering what the heck is taking us so long, but there’s nothing I can do about it: Nolan has decided that now is the right time to talk about his feelings for me. Love, it’s love he says he feels.
He says that he loves me, he says that all he does is think about me all day, he says that he’s tried it all to get me to notice him, instead of Noah. He tells me that he’s spent his entire life competing with a boy who initially I hated, but that oddly enough, somehow conquered me in the end.
"What do you like about him Ellie? The fact that he kicks the shit out of people who bother you?" asks he, knowing perfectly well the answers to both questions.
I love everything about Noah and Nolan’s always been a friend and confidant to me, nobody better than him knows that.
"Nolan, we shouldn’t even be talking about this, Noah wouldn’t like it and you know that well" I tell him, trying to cut it short. He better get back to being his usual, normal self again, because I swear that my patience’s about to run out.
"Always talking about Noah, huh? What does that make me? What the hell am I to you? A simple shoulder to cry on when your boyfriend gives you shit?"
"You're being unfair, now" I say.
"No, you are. You’ve been taking advantage of me ever since we were small, always buttering me up, then stepping all over me, caring less about my feelings"
"Why are you saying that?" I ask.
"Because you knew the way I felt about you and yet, you never had eyes for anybody else other than him. I don’t get it, what does he have that I don’t?!"
"I'm sorry… I thought you knew how I felt about you, I though, I’d made it clear all along" I say downheartedly, honestly wishing that there hadn’t been a misunderstanding.
"I want you. I can't bear to see you with him anymore"
"I'm sorry, but that can’t happen. I love him and you know that"
"I do not give a flying fuck what you want! Don’t you get it?" he shouts.
I’m starting to feel really scared now, he’s never behaved like this before and he’s never talked to me this way either. The worst part is that I have no idea how to calm him down. I haven’t got a clue, really, I can’t even recognize him right now, he just looks like a random madman that I’ve never even met before. I look into his eyes, Nolan’s expressive hazel eyes, but it’s as if I was only, truly seeing them now, for first time.
"Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it, please!" I beg him, trying to calm him down, but he won’t stop crying and that breaks my heart in half.
He takes a step closer to me, but I take two back. Noah must be waiting for me and I really don’t want to make him wait. I want to get to him, I want to cheer for him, and I want him to shine, as usual.
"I want you to choose me. I want you to share the rest of your life with me"
I say nothing, because there’s nothing to be said. He already knows that’s not doable he knows that my heart beats for Noah and Noah only.
"Did you hear that Ellie? Fucking say something!"
"Please, calm down. Let’s just go, maybe taking a walk will make you feel better"
I’ve got a lump in my throat as Nolan, my best friend, steps in closer to me very threateningly.
"I'm obsessed with you, with the image of you, with the person you are. You’re in my mind, body and soul and I can’t get you out. I just keep thinking about you, over and over again and you know what? I even think about you when I fuck. I always have, all life long, with every single girl I’ve ever been with. You’re the only one I ever wanted, Ellie"
Tears start streaming down my face. I don’t want to hurt Nolan, but I can’t help it if it’s not him that I love.
"Nolan, I’m so sorry" I whisper.
"You’re sorry? I forgive you, Ellie. Now you just need to understand that I'm the right one for you"
I move away from him, trying to wipe away the tears that keep streaming down my face. I stop for a moment and lean against the kitchen counter to take a deep breath, but at once, I’m paralyzed.
He grabs me by the wrist and roughly pulls me towards him, forcing his lips on mine, in a violent and repulsive manner, as his stone-hard erection presses hard against my thighs. I feel like vomiting as I try to free myself from his grip but he’s just too strong, powerful and massive. The more I try to escape from him, the harder he pushes his waist against mine and at this point, I’m terrified at the thought of what might happen next. With one of his hands he firmly holds bot
h my arms behind my back, while with the other he feels up my body.
Tears keep streaming down my face as I beg him to stop, but he ignores me so I start screaming. I shout and cry for help with all the strength I have, but he cups my mouth with so much violence that I almost can’t breathe. He tells me to shut the fuck up, that no one’s going to ever hear a damn thing anyways and that he’s going to do whatever he’s always wanted to do to me, whether I like it or not. From that moment on, it’s all pain, blood and utter darkness.
I can't believe it was Nolan, I can't believe that I'm four hours away from home with him in the middle of fucking nowhere. I can’t believe how foolishly I’ve fallen into his trap. I try to stay calm, as I attempt to conceal the fact that my memories are resurfacing within me ever, so violently.
"I’ll tell you why, it’s because he’s brainwashed you completely, that’s why. Ever since you started dating him, you turned into a different person. You’re no longer you. Everything he does and says is like an order for you to follow and that’s not normal. You’ve allowed him to dim your light, which is something I never would have done in his place"
Yeah, you would have simply murdered me instead, I think to myself, but say nothing. I need to keep quiet and I need to stay calm, but how am I supposed to do that, when I’m scared witless? Completely paralyzed by the person standing before me?
I shudder, as the image of Nolan stabbing me resurfaces in my mind. I remember precisely how it felt when the knife penetrated my flesh, just as well as I remember how dreadful it was when he pulled it out and I had to put my hand over the wound, to try and stop myself from bleeding to death. Every part of me wants to give up and give in to tears, but I can’t allow that to happen, not this time. I look up to the sky, so majestic and boundless, unlike the time I have right now. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me next, I don’t know whether I’ll make it out of here alive, all I know is that I need a plan. A plan that will allow me to do something other than dying. Plucking up some courage that I never knew I had, I turn to his direction and with an unmeasurable amount of effort, I smile at him. He looks like his usual self, he looks exactly like my good, old friend Nolan, a person who used to always make me feel happy, protected, safe.