by Abbye J Leen
Veronica, the very clingy cheerleader who seems to be magnetically drawn to me, as If I were made out of iron, won’t stop blabbering about how boring the evening was. Cris makes an attempt to pay attention to her, but he’s way too immersed in his thoughts to truly listen to what she has to say, which leaves me wondering what’s on his mind. As we head to the limo that’s waiting for us outside, I see Emily in the distance, I tell Cris to hold up a minute and that I’ll be right back, as I walk up to her to say hi. I’m sure that she won’t be too excited to see me, given the fact that we haven’t spoken in over a year, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve decided that it’s time to break all of these walls down.
Out of the blue, I notice Andreea walking towards her as well and my blood starts boiling. If only I could, I’d punch him straight in the face, for old time’s sake. Emily smiles at him, as he leans in closer to her and presses his lips against her. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe my eyes, I just can’t see straight anymore… How could they do that to Ellie?
"What the fuck is going on here?!" I ask, menacingly.
Emily slowly turns around, still smiling, she’s got her hair’s slightly moved by the wind and there’s a strange light in her eyes, a light that I’d never seen before, but as soon as she realizes that it’s me who asked the question, her smile turns upside down and given the atrocity she's doing behind Ellie’s back, I can definitely understand why.
"I’m sorry?!" She asks, raising an eyebrow.
Oh, I see, she’s playing dumb with me isn’t she?
"I saw you talking to Ellie earlier on, I overheard you complimenting her, kissing her on the cheek and all. Jesus, don’t you understand that what you’re doing behind her back is wrong? What the fuck, you should both be ashamed of yourselves!"
Emily crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me, resigned: "You know Noah, I used to think you had a brain once, I really did but unsurprisingly, you were able to prove me otherwise... me and any other person who’s ever tried to have faith in your apparently very scarce intelligence. Let’s get a couple of things straight, first of all it’s none of your business whether Ellie’s seeing someone or not, but even admitting she was, that someone surely couldn’t be Andreea given the fact that him and I got engaged and moved in together about a year ago. Secondly, who the fuck you talk about back stabs and loyalty? Given that when she most needed you, you decided to put her in front of a devastating ultimatum that not even a complete idiot would’ve ever been able to come up with, especially not knowing all that she’d just been through.
Lastly, let me just give you a truly heartfelt piece of advice: Fuck off. She's just found some happiness in life and I don’t want to see you spoil that for her again, alright?"
She grabs Andreea by the arm, looks at me sideways and then without saying another word, she walks away from me.
I can't help but feel like a failure again…
Other than the world’s biggest idiot.
Ellie
59
I’m at my worst:
It's Sunday afternoon, I’m wearing my favorite hoodie, a pair of shorts and terry socks as I chill on the couch in my living room, there’s tears in my eyes and a big bucket of chocolate ice cream in my lap, which I’m slowly emptying watching ‘The Notebook’. I wonder if a type of love so strong and enduring would ever be possible in real life and the more I keep wondering, the more I realize that’s exactly the type of love I’ve always felt for Noah… too bad the same couldn’t be said for him.
Emily’s been texting me all day, but I’m not really in the mood to talk to anybody so I haven’t replied yet. Today, all I want to do is drown my sorrows in ice cream and enjoy laziness at its fullest. Perhaps I should have picked a different movie, given my current emotional state and the fact that the main character’s name is Noah but whatever, I’m halfway through it already and I’m not a quitter, so there’s just no going back now. My favorite scene comes on and when he utters the sentence: "…but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough" I can’t help but burst out crying like a fool. I cry and eat, then eat and cry, but my soul still feels empty.
Many more tears and spoonfuls of ice cream later, my doorbell rings. I snort, reluctantly pausing the movie and putting my ice-cream down. Just before heading to the door I stop for a second, thinking that perhaps if it isn’t Emily out there, then it might be a neighbour or some other similar hassle, who surely won’t insist too much and maybe even leave at some point, so I wait.
Once, twice and even a third time chimes the doorbell again, so I tighten my ponytail, even if my hair remains absolutely chaotic and walk to the entrance, knowing that Emy won’t mind seeing me in these conditions anyways. Given the persistence with which she’s ringing, I open up without even looking through the peephole, but the moment I do my heart skips a beat, then starts thumping frantically immediately after.
What the hell does Noah want?! I think, standing firm on the spot, folding my arms and looking at him defiantly.
"How the hell do you know where I live?" I ask, trying to deaden my anxiety.
"I know a lot of things that interest me, actually"
"That just adds to my non-understanding of the reason as to why you know where I live"
"Can you let me in, please?"
"Honestly? No" I say with conviction.
As I’m about to shut the door in his face, he promptly prevents me from doing so, blocking it with his arm and nonchalantly allowing himself in. Only then do I remember what a mess I look like right now and although this certainly wasn’t how I would have wanted Noah to see me, it’ll just have to do. I snort once again, closing the door behind him.
"Just pretend that I’m not even here then!" I tell him, heading to the couch. I look at him sideways, while he clumsily moves around my apartment. I don't like having him here, I don’t want him here. Nothing here reminds me of him... but from this moment on I know that it will.
The walls I painted white, knowing that he would have preferred them ivory do not remind me of him. The Paris, London and New York pictures hanging on the wall do not remind me of him, because "we" would have put our photos together in their place. The peninsula in the kitchen does not remind me of him, because he would have liked a table better. In here, nothing reminds me of Noah. In here, everything reminds me that I don’t have to be reminded of him.
"It's a lovely apartment" he says, taking his coat off and sitting down next to me on the couch, a clear sign of the fact that he probably intends to stay much longer than I’d expected.
"Oh sure, just make yourself at home why don’t you?!!" I say irritated.
"How kind of you to ask!" he replies, smiling slyly. The expression on his face makes me want to slap him across the face at first, but then I just wind up thinking about how nice it would be to have him sit on this couch and smile at me in that silly way more often.
I hate him.
"What may I do for you, Noah?" I ask, hoping that whatever the answer is won’t make my heart ache even more because frankly, I wouldn’t be able to bear that.
"Well, you could try and forgive me for example"
"No can do" I say, stiff.
Typical Noah, always blowing hot and cold.
"Ellie, I was wrong, I..."
"Noah, stop it. I know that you made a mistake, but I am not going to, not anymore. Especially not now that I’m finally starting to feel happy again"
"We'd be happy together you know we would"
"It's been a year now. I don’t even know what it’s like to be in a relationship anymore"
"We could re-discover that together"
"Would your brunette be okay with that?"
"Ellie please, cut the crap. You know that there’s absolutely nothing between she and I" he grunts.
"I know nothing, and I don’t want to know either"
"Seriously, when are you going to stop bullshitting me and start taking me seriously?"
&
nbsp; I get off the couch, furiously.
"And when are you going to stop treating me as if I were at your complete disposal? What makes you think that you can just walk in and out of my life whenever you please?!" I yell, as he nervously stands up and approaches me.
"Did you ever try to understand my point of view though? The way I felt back then? All that was going on in my head? Just the thought of him freely roaming around the streets knowing all the pain that he’s put you through… it made me unable to sleep at night"
"What’s your point, Noah?" You made the exact same mistake back when we were eighteen, you vanished from me completely, from one day to the other. You straight up ignored me for months and went on with your life, forgetting all about my existence. Destiny might have placed us on the same path for a while, but I’ve changed direction. You’re no longer welcome in my life, Noah"
"That’s bullshit"
I snort with laughter. Bullshit he says...
"Are you going out with anybody?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Are you or not?!" Asks he again, nervously stepping closer to me.
"No, I'm not"
"Then stop talking trash because I know it as well as you do, that we are meant to be together"
"Maybe once we were… but that was before the person I loved most on this planet decided to suddenly leave me when I most needed them"
"It was you who left me, but we can still fix things"
"No, it was you who forced me leave with that stupid and senseless ultimatum. There’s things in life, such as this one, that you simply cannot repair"
"I can and will, actually."
As much as I try to stop it, my eyes start watering.
I’ve been hoping, dreaming and wishing to have this conversation with him for months and now that I finally am, I have no words. I’m not ready to face this, not now, not knowing all that it implies, but Noah - my beautiful Noah - doesn’t really seem to care about what I think and want. He leans into me, the way he did last night at MoMA and I, once again cannot resist him. He holds my face in his hands and kisses me but unlike yesterday, this kiss is carnal, desperate and ravenous. I gently caress his face, while I slip my free hand through his hair and bring him closer to me. Why is kissing Noah always so baffling? Why is being with him the only thing that makes me feel good? Why do I feel truly happy and at peace with the world only when he’s around? It infuriates and saddens me, at the same time.
He slides his hands under my short almost violently, then moving my panties aside, he starts rubbing and massaging my sweet spot. I was not expecting this, I definitely wasn’t. I hold onto his hair tighter as our tongues keep twirling, searching for one another, just the way our bodies are and I can’t help thinking that there’s just nothing more enthralling than what's happening between us right now. With a quick movement he slips his fingers inside my wetness, forcing me to separate my lips from his but only to moan loud and hard. I haven't felt this way in so long, but the pleasant torture doesn’t last much, because suddenly Noah takes his fingers out, leaving me quivering and very, very thirsty.
He moves away from me and stops kissing me, but doesn’t let go of my hips, which he keeps holding tightly against his. I’m dazed and out of breath, as my desire grows unrestrained.
"We need to talk first, then we’ll carry on"
I nod, not really knowing whether I’m agreeing to the first thing he said or the second one. I shouldn’t want to keep going, because that would automatically mean allowing him back into my life, but I shouldn’t be talking to him either, because that’s also going to lead to something, undeniably.
My only problem is that I love this guy so much, insanely almost and with all of myself. He takes my hand, then invites me to sit down on the couch, as he places himself in front of me, standing. After taking a long, deep breath, he starts speaking. I look into his eyes, his light blue, almost transparent eyes, which I avidly observe every single nuance of because to watch them in real life it’s a whole another thing than to see them on a photo or painting. My stomach fills up with butterflies and I’m trying my hardest to somehow stop my heart from beating this fast, before it bursts out of my chest.
"I’m an asshole, most of the time I simply can’t act or think reasonably, which often leads me say things out of anger and you know that already Ellie, but you also know how much you mean to me and that the way I feel about you is still the same as always. Neither those things are ever going to change"
"You never showed me that, ever. Every single time you left me, not once did you ever take a step back"
"I'm taking that step now"
"After a year? It sounds pretty absurd to me"
"A year, ten years, even a century and I still would have done it, because I love you"
Because I love you, he says...
"Noah..."
"I know, but I love you anyways and I always will, now and forever, no matter what you say or do about it"
"How many girls have you been with in the last year?"
"None. I haven't had sex since you left me"
My heart leaps and I can hardly hold back a smile. After hearing those words, I pull him closer by the shirt and simply kiss him, because I feel like it. I don’t care about anything anymore, I don’t even care if I get hurt again. I still love Noah more than anything else and beyond all reason, it’s been that way since forever and it always will be. Without thinking too much about it, I free him of his shirt and biting onto his lower lip, I start unbuttoning his pants.
"Hey, baby, wait."
"What's wrong?" I ask, incapable of understanding his desire to stop.
"We haven't talked yet!"
"Can’t we just talk later?" I suggest, as I start kissing him again and very impatiently, but he steps away from me once more.
Is he trying to change my mind?
"It's my turn now… how many guys have you been with?"
"Are you for real right now?"
"Of course, I am!"
"Less than zero" I reply, eager to get back to what we were doing, as a sweet, heartwarming smile appears on his face.
"We won't regret this, right?"
"Not even in a million years" he whispers.
He slowly moves inside of me and I’m overtaken. I’ve missed this feeling, the feeling that only Noah can give me. I slowly follow his movements beneath him, gently stroking his soft skin. He’s always the same, only more muscular, more beautiful… and even more perfect than he already was somehow.
"Ellie, look at me" he whispers, and I do. I look deeply into his wonderful eyes and get lost inside them.
"You know that you're mine, don't you?"
I have a lump in my throat and my eyes fill with tears, as Noah's movements slowly make my insides tingle.
"Say it Ellie, I want to hear you say it. Look at me straight into the eyeballs and tell me that you’re mine"
"I am yours. Yours and yours only." I whisper, as he continues to move, allowing me to reach the most intense, pleasure possible.
"And I'm completely yours" he whispers, steadily increasing the pace of his thrusts, as I clench tightly onto the bedsheets, relishing every instant to the fullest. I can feel my chest rubbing against his, before he lifts his body up to cup my breasts and skillfully tease my nipples with his thumbs.
"You are beautiful ,and I just can’t live without you."
His movements become slower, as if he wanted to make the moment last as much as possible, that moment in which our bodies are one, just like our souls and heartbeats.
***
"The first thing I noticed is that you had my UCLA hoodie on when you opened up the door earlier"
"Thank God! I hope that distracted you from my horrible terry socks"
"I noticed those as well, actually"
We burst out laughing wrapped up in the bedsheets, as he holds me tight and close.
"I wear that hoodie quite often, it’s the only thing that still smells l
ike you after all this time. Speaking of which… - I sit up and look around the room, before grabbing his shirt, nosing it and then putting it on - There we go, that’s much better!" I say, smiling.
"I guess you won’t be needing my clothes any longer from now on, you’ve got me"
“I've missed you" I whisper, uncertainly.
“I've missed you as well, I’ve missed you to death… and I was a real idiot not to take that first step earlier"
"I noticed" I say and sigh, as better setting my shoulders into his arms.
"You know, I still feel it every,day…"
"What?"
He looks straight into my eyes, making me wish that I could freeze time right now.
"Fear, especially since I saw that article in the news the other day"
"He's in another county and his medical treatments seem to be working well"
"Have you ever heard from his parents again?"
"No, I don’t think Mrs. Georgie’s ever going to forgive me, Nolan’s her son and he’s mentally ill, so I can understand where she’s coming from and... I don't know. I miss him, you know? I miss the Nolan I used to tell everything to and when you left me -"
"You left me" he points out.
I look at him sideways, jokingly, but then continue to talk.
"When we broke up - I point out - I felt lost. The two people closest to me were gone, the two people that had been by my side my whole life were gone, my two best friends were gone, all in a matter of weeks."
"I felt exactly the same way"
"You should have put your pride aside"
"You should have done that too"
"Childish much?" I say, smiling.