But what could he do? And in the meantime, his sleeps had become restless, his concentration patchy. The strain was starting to show, he knew. He had started to become distant and edgy with Ali--he simply couldn’t help it.
Every time that damned polite stranger made her appearance--particularly if it was after they had just made spectacular love--he had to restrain himself from exploding with a boiling, frustrated anger. And he wasn’t sure how much more he could stand of this.
The sound of snapping fingers by his ear pulled him out of his grim thoughts. He frowned at Paulo, who was watching him with a blend of concern and exasperation.
“See what I mean? You’re not good for anything right now. So spit it out. What’s going on with you and… that woman?”
“She made no promises to me when we got involved, Paulo,” Rafe took a sip of his beer, wishing he had ordered something stronger.
“Bully for her. So? What’s the problem?”
Rafe’s jaw tightened. He had never been one to indulge in obvious sentimentality--not even with his closest friends. “I want more. I went in figuring it would be easy enough to move things along if I played my cards right. But it hasn’t been.”
Paulo watched him, his expression cool with unconcealed dislike towards the woman who had already broken his friend’s heart once. “Still the ice queen, hey?”
Rafe shook his head. “I don’t think it’s that. She has these defenses… and she refuses to let them down. For anyone, I think.”
“So, walk away. Cut your losses, man.”
Rafe frowned at his friend. “Aren’t you the one who was telling me just a few months ago that I needed to find the right woman and settle down?”
“That… person is about as far from being the right woman as possible. Haven’t you realised that by now? She was trouble eight years ago and she still is.”
“It’s not like that, Paulo.”
“So what’s it like, then?”
Rafe didn’t know how to answer that in a way his friend would understand. Instead, he took another swig of beer.
“Look. You’re miserable. Maybe it’s not obvious to most people, but this is me, Rafe. I’ve known you way too long to be fooled by any pretense. This whole thing is messing you up and I for one am not looking forward to picking up the pieces. If she’s not giving you anything, it’s time to face facts and get out of that relationship before you’re pulled in any deeper. That’s all.”
Rafe proffered a bitter smile. “Nothing would please you more than that, would it?”
Paulo shrugged. “Watching my best buddy get torn up by some bitch of a woman sure as hell isn’t my idea of a fun time.” He examined Rafe’s expression for a few moments, then sighed. “Did you suggest moving into a more serious relationship with her?”
Rafael nodded. “Once.” About a month after they first got together. She had closed off completely--everything about her froze for a moment. Then, she had slipped off the bed and gotten dressed, jerking on her clothes with abrupt movements before walking to the bedroom door. She paused there and looked back at him, her expression blank.
“Absolutely not,” she said. “And if you’re starting to feel that way, just say the word and we can end it. This is about fun. I don’t want either of us getting hurt.” He had to backpedal like mad, amid rising panic, instead insisting it had just been a suggestion rising out of idle speculation.
“And?” Paulo prompted.
“She said no.” Rafe finished the last of his beer and ordered another one.
“Think about it, man. Maybe it’s time.” Paulo glanced at his watch and finished the last of his drink. “I should be heading back home, unless you want company? Nat’ll understand, if you need to talk or something.”
“Go, go. I’ll be fine. I’ll probably head out soon myself.”
By the time Rafe finished his second beer, he had begun to wonder whether Paulo didn’t have a point. If things weren’t going forward, then perhaps it was time to cut his losses and move on. He checked the time. Ali knew he and Paulo had planned to go out for drinks, but he had also said he would call her if that ended early.
He took out his mobile phone, staring at the LCD screen for a few moments, debating with himself over what to do. Then, shaking his head, he put it away again and ordered another beer. He still had some thinking to do.
Ali made her way up to her room, still feeling deflated. Dinner with her father had been pleasant, though she had put it off for as long as she could, hoping Rafe would call to say things had ended early and he was available for the rest of the evening.
She knew how much she had come to depend upon the relationship with him, though she tried not to make it in any way obvious. If at least one of them could walk away from this fling of theirs unscathed, she’d be glad.
Once, not long after they first got together, he had casually suggested taking it to a more serious level and it had scared the hell out of her. He had carelessly shrugged her refusal off, returning to the status quo without a pause, but the incident had shaken her deeply. Thinking about it afterwards, she had realised that she also wanted to allow things to get more serious.
That was the point when she knew she had fallen in love with him--that the damage had already been done as far as she was concerned. After wrestling with herself, she had cravenly decided against ending it, wanting to enjoy Rafe for as long as she could. So, she strengthened her façade and made sure she kept things light and fun between them while she waited for him to grow bored and decide to move on to someone he could actually get serious about. She knew it would happen sooner or later.
And she had been right about the boredom, at least. She could sense it in his recent detachment from her--his air of irritation when they talked, after making love. It wouldn’t be long now, she knew.
Ali closed the door to her room on a sigh. Before she even realised she was doing it, she had already pulled out her phone and was checking for messages. Her heart leapt when she discovered she had one, which she had missed by less than five minutes--only to sink once more as she accessed it.
A slightly inebriated-sounding Rafe with a background of loud music and talking, telling her he wouldn’t be able to see her tonight, nor for the next few days.
“Something’s come up--some business--and I have to go out of town for a couple of nights.”
Which in itself wasn’t unusual--he had certainly been gone on business before, albeit occasionally. But, it lowered her spirits even further. The next several days stretched out before her like a series of eternities.
It was only as she disconnected the call that she began to wonder if there might be more to Rafe’s sudden business trip than that. After all, she had been sensing that air of tense annoyance towards her this last little while. Though it hurt, she hadn’t wanted to consciously acknowledge it. She still didn’t, for that matter, but she really couldn’t avoid it any longer as she wondered if his interest had begun to stray. Maybe he had met someone at the bar.
She frowned, swallowing hard. This afternoon on the phone, he had sounded so confident that the thing with Paulo would end early--“Nat’ll probably want him home at a reasonable hour to help out with the kid,” he told her.
“Did you see the baby?” Ali asked, feeling that familiar mix of envy and delight, despite her dislike of Rafe’s friend Paulo. “A girl, wasn’t it?”
“I think so. Yes, I saw it. Ugly little thing, but cute in its way, I suppose.”
“Your wonder at the miracle of life is overwhelming, Rafe.” Ali didn’t bother to keep the dryness from her tone.
“I’ve never been all that interested in children, to be honest.” She could just imagine his dismissive shrug, even as she had felt a strange flutter of hope at the statement, only to dismiss it moments later. After all, even the most free-wheeling of bachelors, who couldn’t have distinguished one end of a baby from the other, had been known to become doting, diaper-changing fathers when faced with their own offspring. Look at Ra
fe’s friend Paulo, for instance. “So sue me,” he continued. “Anyway, Paulo’s over the moon, which is the important thing.”
And yet, Rafe and his friend were still out, apparently. Ali dismissed the notion of calling him back on his mobile. What could she say, after all? It would be patently obvious that she was checking up on him, and at this stage of the game, a gesture like that was bound to either amuse or irritate him.
She was about to put her phone away when another, far sneakier, possibility occurred to her and she just couldn’t push it aside. Hating herself for doing it, she used her Blackberry to look up Paulo’s number in the phone directory and then dial it.
“Hello?” A male voice. She almost hung up right then. But, pulling in a calming breath, she tightened her grip on the phone and forced a smile.
“Paulo? It’s Alicia Witherspoon. I didn’t actually expect you to be home so soon. Rafe said something about you guys going out on the town.”
“I left over an hour ago.” She could hear the stiffness in his tone. The few times they had run into each other, Paulo had made it clear that any dislike was completely mutual. “Nat wanted help with the baby. Rafe said he was leaving soon--he probably went back to the office. Why don’t you try him there?”
If he was calling from the office then I’ll eat my skirt. But she made herself shove aside the pain of the realization. When she spoke, her voice was as calm as she could have wished.
“Actually, I was just calling to wish you and your wife all the best and pass on my congratulations.” Okay, so that stretched the truth a little. But she did wish them the best, for all that. From what she could tell, Paulo had become a very different man from the brash jerk she remembered from eight years ago.
“Oh. Thanks.” She could hear the surprise in his tone. “We’re both very happy. And little Elenita’s absolutely gorgeous. She’s going to look just like her mamma when she grows up.”
Ali smiled in spite of herself. “Well you take care of each other and of that precious little bundle of yours. Elenita’s a lovely name.”
After she hung up the phone, she sighed. Well, the worst had been confirmed. She should have felt devastated--but really, she had seen it coming for a little while now. For the moment, all she felt was a dull, cloying ache. No doubt the rest would follow.
“Paulo. What’re you doing here?” Ali frowned with surprise at the sight of Rafe’s friend showing up on her father’s front doorstep. It had been two days since she first realised Rafe had begun to stray, and the heavy ache had just begun to loosen into messier, more blatant emotions that had her retreating to her room or the bathroom a little more often than was warranted. But if her father or any of his staff noticed anything, they didn’t comment.
Ali had avoided Rafe’s calls, instead managing to play phone tag with him and maintain her casual tone on the messages she left. But, he was due back from his “business” trip tonight and she alternately dreaded and looked forward to the confrontation that loomed ahead. It would be nice to have it over with, at least.
Paulo shifted uncomfortably on the front steps, glancing over his shoulder as if he expected someone to be spying on his movements. “May I come in?”
“Of course. Has something happened? Is Rafe all right?”
He gave her a tight smile. “Oh yeah. Well, in a manner of speaking, at least.” She was about to ask him to elaborate when he spoke again. “Look, is there somewhere private where we could talk?”
“Sure. This way.” Ali led him into the sumptuous study she and her father used for private meetings with clients. She closed the door behind them and turned to face Paulo. “What is it?”
Paulo was watching her with a dark expression. “Look, I’ve never pretended to like or trust you. You really devastated Rafael all those years ago. When you came back and he told me he planned to keep you out of trouble, even if it meant getting involved with you himself, I tried to talk him out of it. But he didn’t listen.”
Ali felt a momentary stab of hurt at Paulo’s description of Rafael’s intial motive for getting involved with her. But she brushed that aside. That must have been right at the beginning, when Rafe had been hard-pressed to conceal his contempt for her. By the time they had actually gotten involved, the situation had changed completely. “If you just came here to insult me, then I hope you don’t mind if I leave you to it, as I have some work to do,” Ali said, walking towards the door. “Let yourself out when you’re done, will you?”
Paulo stepped in front of the door, his hands raised in a gesture of peace. “No, no. I’m sorry. Look, Rafe has never been a guy to advertise his feelings, but he’s really going through hell because of you.”
“Pardon me?”
“He hasn’t said as much, but I think he’s probably starting to care about you. Maybe even love you. But I gather you’re just not interested.” He looked down at his hands, then pursed his lips and drew in a deep breath. “I’m here to say that if you’ve got even a little bit of affection for him, you’d end it now. I mean, you don’t hate him, do you?”
Ali was having trouble breathing. She turned away from Paulo and paced to the other side of the room.
In love with her? Rafe? It would just be too wonderful--and too much of a mess--to contemplate. And yet, the weight from her chest had lifted and she suddenly felt lighter and happier than she had in ages.
“You don’t hate him do you?”
She heard Paulo repeat his question and pulled herself together. Still, when she turned to look at him, she had to hold herself back from rushing over and planting a big kiss on his forehead. Instead, she smiled, wondering why she had never noticed what a good man Paulo was. Such loyalty and affection for his friend. “No, I don’t hate him. And I thank you for your concern, Paulo.”
“I’m not concerned about you. It’s Rafe. If you really don’t want to take things any further with him, just end it, will you?”
She was hardly even hearing him anymore. “Thank you for letting me know, Paulo. I’ll definitely bear it in mind, as I’ll be seeing him tonight, when he gets back from his trip.” She said, stepping around him to open the door and gesture for his departure.
“Great.” He was about to walk out when he paused and glanced at her. “I didn’t do wrong in coming here, did I?”
“No, no. Of course not.”
“And I’d prefer if you didn’t mention this visit to Rafe.” Then, he shrugged. “Though if you do, I suppose that’s your business.”
“I wouldn’t dream of saying a word.”
After he was gone, Ali leaned against the closed front door, buoyed by giddiness. Maybe she had misread Rafe’s attitude. And maybe--just maybe--she could trust him with the truth. Maybe, if he really, truly did love her, as Paulo suggested, he would be able to overlook her shortcomings and would want to stay with her anyway.
A flutter rose in her stomach and she wondered if she dared risk it. Yet, she knew the moment had come--when they met tonight, they would either have to go forward with their relationship or end it completely.
And so, she would have to lay all her cards on the table before things could proceed any further. She didn’t want Rafe to commit to anything more between them without knowing all the facts.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Rafael frowned as he drove off the ferry and onto the highway. The two days away had helped him to sort things through--and he had come to the conclusion that Paulo was right. His relationship with Ali--such as it was--didn’t have a future. She wasn’t interested in sharing anything except her body.
And that wasn’t enough anymore. Their recent sexual intimacies had left him feeling bleak and empty, for they only served to remind him of how much more he wanted from her. But she clearly had no intention of opening up to him and he couldn’t deal with this constant laceration of his emotions while she sailed along, serenely indifferent.
So, he had decided. He would end it tonight.
He had told her earlier that he would call when he got back.
But instead, he had decided it would be best to end things quickly. So, he’d drop his stuff off at his place and get changed. Then he’d head over to her place, give her the news and then get the hell out of there before his resolution wavered.
He had worked out what he would tell her--just the basics, he figured. Telling her the full truth about his own feelings wouldn’t change her mind, after all. She had already made that clear. All it would do was elicit her pity, and that was the last thing he wanted.
Ali just managed to prevent herself from pacing as she waited for the phone call. Rafe had said he would be in touch when he got back tonight and each time the phone rang, she would jump.
After Paulo left, she had rehearsed what she would say to Rafe, trying to work out the best way to raise the subject and tell him the full truth about the accident. And then, she’d simply have to see how he reacted to it.
But for now, it was a different kind of waiting. She felt jumpy and eager for it to be done with--and minutely attuned to the sound of the phone ringing.
So, when the doorbell rang, she was briefly thrown off guard. She glanced at her watch, frowning. It was past six and they had absolutely no client appointments. She had made sure of that.
When she pulled open the door to find Rafe on the front steps, his expression grim, she felt a horrible sinking feeling.
“Can we talk?”
Ali swallowed and summoned a smile. “Excellent idea. I was going to suggest something similar myself.” Except that she wasn’t sure she really wanted to do that anymore. How could she possibly manage to bare her soul and her darkest shame to him when he was looking so remote and inaccessible?
She stepped aside to allow him entry, then followed him as he strode into the room normally used for client meetings, which had been done up as an old-style library, all dark wood, heavy bookshelves and old leather.
He closed the door behind her as she stepped inside, then regarded her for a few moments in silence, his expression brooding.
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