by Sonya Weiss
I gave him a hard elbow jab to the ribs. “That’s your life story, not mine.”
He shook his head and grimaced, rubbing his side, looking sheepishly between Cooper and me. “I told y’all she’s lying. There’s a reason they call that girl Gym. She’s so loose she can take in the whole damn team plus all the spectators.” Laughing, he sobered up quickly when the screen door flung open and Destiny yelled out that he had a phone call from a girl. Juvante had girls chasing him like he was a rock star.
“How many times do I have to tell you to take a number?”
Destiny looked over her shoulder to make sure Leena wasn’t near and when she looked back, she flipped him off.
“If she was older than sixteen...” Juvante said.
“Leena would kick your ass even if Destiny was thirty. You’re not good enough for her daughter.”
“Bro, fuck you.” Juvante popped the back of my head and then bounced around with his hands up in a boxer’s stance. “He moves to the left. Then to the right. Kidney punch and my brother from another mother is down, crying like a little bitch.”
I gave him a look. A sadistic asshole at one of my former foster homes taught me bare knuckle boxing, locking me in a room with him, drilling the techniques into me for endless hours a day and if I screwed up, he’d make me start all over. No food, no water, no sleep. Those were privileges for winners and losers didn’t deserve them.
When I’d caught him beating his daughter, I’d shown him how well I’d learned his lessons. Since then, I’d left my share of guys down, writhing in the dirt, faces drawn in pain. I’d never lost any kind of fight and Juvante knew it. Not because I was the best, but because I didn’t quit. Quitting earned a man a reputation as an easy mark.
Juvante held his hand up. “You know I’m playing with you.” He shuffled his feet. “Are you sure you’re not coming back from a tail run?”
”Positive.”
He put one hand over his heart and raised the other hand toward the sky. “Praise Jesus, Mama Leena has finally convinced one of her boys to walk the straight and narrow like good church people do.” Juvante once lived in a foster home where the father used to drag all the kids to church every Sunday and knock them around the other six days. He hated any kind of organized religion and people who pushed it, but he respected Mama Leena because she was real.
“Juvante Willis!”
“Oh, shit!” Juvante ducked to the back of my car and crouched by the bumper when he heard Mama Leena’s voice.
Cooper and I laughed and headed toward the front door. Juvante wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. But like me, he hated disappointing Mama Leena. She believed in all her boys and thought we were going to change the world. When I’d graduated high school, I swear she’d screamed my name with such enthusiasm that it’d made my ears ring.
Inside the house, Mama Leena looked at us with a penetrating stare. She wore her customary business suit and nice jewelry. At forty, she was an attractive woman, but said she didn’t have time to date whenever we’d tease her about it. Her sister told me she thought the truth was there weren’t a lot of men willing to take on a house full of foster kids. But I think Mama Leena still grieved over the loss of her husband Sam who’d died six years ago in a car accident.
Moving her briefcase from the coffee table, she pointed at me and then to the sofa. “Coop, you and Ryan sit down for a minute, please.”
“Can’t stay.” Cooper bent to press a kiss against the side of her face. Though he had his own place now, he’d often stop by check in on Mama and try to give her money that she wouldn’t take. “I’m heading to work.”
She grabbed his hand, searching his face with worried eyes. “Everything okay?”
He gave her a smile that was pure bullshit. “Fine.”
I knew his rich girlfriend had dumped him for a well-connected society asshole and it had thrown him for a loop. Cooper had only been a distraction for her she’d said. I’d fished his drunk and totaled ass out of so many bars these last two weeks that I’d lost count. I’d calmed bartenders, bouncers and boyfriends who wanted to beat Cooper’s skull in for the shit he’d stirred up in the bars. He shot me a warning look not to say anything. “See you later.”
“Did you eat?” Mama Leena refocused on me after Coop left.
I walked over to the sofa and picked up a flowered pillow to move it out of my way. “I had some pizza at Tana’s house.”
That earned me a look of frowning reproach. “Ryan, I hope you’re being careful.”
“I’m good.” I didn’t need to hear another lecture on being careful around girls, especially Tana. I sat down beside Destiny and nudged her. “There’s probably something better on if you want to change the channel.”
She put the remote on the other side of her leg. “I’m watching my show so you leave me alone.”
“You know I’m your favorite brother.”
“You’re a pain.” Destiny slapped my arm when I reached across her and snagged the remote. “I mean it, Ryan. Don’t you switch it.”
“Did you finish filling out those college applications I left in your room?” Mama Leena asked.
“Yeah.” I pressed the remote but looked away from the television when Destiny snickered.
Mama Leena pulled a stack of crumpled applications from beneath the thick family photo album she kept on top of the coffee table. She had a picture of every single foster kid she’d cared for even if they only stayed a few days. “You mean these applications I found in your trashcan?”
“They want me to write an essay about my life for each application. What the fuck am I supposed to say? That I’m lucky I’m not doing a dime upstate for all the shit I’ve done?”
“You know better than to use that kind of language in this house,” she said sharply, then sighed, and her voice softened. “I know you’ve seen things when you were a child that no kid should ever see.” Her eyes watered with unshed tears and I wondered if she was imagining the picture a social worker had given her of me wearing a thick dog collar and chained in a backyard to a dog house.
“No one’s denying that you’ve had a rough start, but don’t let your past trap you. Don’t let those people who should have cared for you and didn’t be part of your present. Ryan, you deserve a good life, a better one than working at the garage.” She reached over and took my hand. “I believe you were meant for more.”
“Like flipping burgers.” Destiny snickered.
“Destiny, shut off the television. I want to talk to Ryan alone.”
Destiny knew better than to argue. She glared at me when she left and seconds later, music wafted loudly from the direction of her room.
Mama Leena squeezed my hand and held it. “I know what it’s like to grow up hard and not have anyone rooting for you.”
I knew that while she’d been raised in a well-to-do doctor’s home, she’d experienced some tough things, but she kept the details to herself.
“Ryan, son, look at me.”
When I did, she said, “Out of all my boys, I worry about you the most. You have a fire in you that can be used for good, but when you let it burn unchecked, it has the potential to destroy you. I’m afraid if you don’t get out of this city, away from your former life, you’re going to end up right back where you came from. I know the streets don’t like to let anyone go. I know you have to fight every day to keep from being who you used to be.” Her lip quivered. “If that happened to you, it would break my heart.”
The old familiar ache curled in the center of my chest whenever I thought about the fallout from my past. “I don’t run with the crew any more. Not since Donny was killed.”
“There’s more to leaving that life behind than just not running with that old crowd. You’re still holding onto that part of you in case you need it.”
I clenched my teeth together. The guy I’d once been was quiet, trying to be a better person but that didn’t mean he was gone for good. I knew it, she knew it, there wasn’t any use denying i
t.
She heaved a sigh and moved to stand in front of me. Dropping the applications in my lap, she said, “I’ve told you I’ll pay for your first year of college. But you have to take the initial step.”
“I’ll make my own way in the world.”
“It’s not a hand out, it’s a hand up because we’re family and that’s what families do. When you get where you want to be in life, you can pay it forward and be a blessing to someone else.”
When I didn’t say anything, she sighed again. “You’re as stubborn as my Sam was.” A smile crossed her lips at the memory before sadness chased it away. “Tell Juvante to get in here and eat something.”
I walked outside, thankful to be away from all the hope she had in me that I didn’t have. Every time she talked about family and believing in me, it stung because I knew my track record. I knew what lingered in me. It was only a matter of time before I did something that would destroy her hope.
Juvante wasn’t in sight so I went to the end of the driveway. As soon I could see both ends of the street, headlights went on and a car took off at a fast speed, narrowly missing a truck parked next door.
Juvante jogged up to me with a sheepish look on his face.
“Tell me that wasn’t Chanos.” That was a devil from my past I’d rather forget.
He scoffed at me, rolling his eyes. “You know I don’t fuck around with dealers. ‘Specially one as crazy as his ass.”
I suspected he was working something, but trying to pry it out of him wouldn’t do any good. He’d talk when he was ready. “Have you seen the others?”
He shook his head. “Destiny said Clarke and Roman were working late.”
That didn’t make sense. I looked at my watch. “The warehouse is letting them pull doubles? They told me they were working this morning.”
“I am not my brothers’ keeper, brother.” He looped his arm across my shoulder. “Coop okay?”
“No, but he will be.”
“He should’ve learned. I keep telling y’all not to mess with rich pussy. Poor pussy’s grateful for the attention. Rich pussy can afford to be choosy.”
I pushed against him. “You’re so fucked up, you know that, right?”
“That’s beside the point.” Juvante laughed. “You keep hanging with Tana, you’re gonna see what I mean about rich pussy.”
I hit his shoulder and he stumbled away, rubbing his arm and looking at me in surprise.
“Don’t talk like that. Not Tana.”
He whistled, then shook his head. “You and I have been through some shit and we’ve never let a girl come between us before. You’re going get all twisted up over a girl? I like Tana, you know I do, but you better leave that alone. You don’t want to be a rich pussy’s bitch.”
“I’m not playing. Leave Tana out of it.”
“Alright, man. Alright, I get it. Tana’s off the table, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Girls that get in here,” He smacked his hand over my heart. “They always fuck with this.” He tapped my head and then jogged off ahead of me.
He was blowing smoke. I cared about Tana and I cared more than I ever had for any other girl, but I wasn’t in love with her and never would be so she’d never be able to fuck with my heart or my head. I pushed thoughts of Tana away and walked back to the house and right before I stepped onto the porch, I looked up at the inky black sky. So many nights I’d lain in an abandoned house staring through the holes in the roof at the sky, wondering if that would be the day my luck ran out.
I’d come to live with Mama Leena when I was fifteen, right before I’d found Tana in the park. I admired Mama’s belief that life was full of possibilities, that everyone deserved a second chance, but reality told a different story. Some of us were marked from the day we were born. We treaded time until we ended up on an autopsy table, gray and naked while some cop bragged about how he’d taken one of the fuckers down. Just like in that alley with Donny.
Chapter Three
TANA
I had this thing I did every Saturday that my mom and Creature didn’t know about. While she took him with her to run errands and pay the bills, I’d take a detour before I went to the grocery store. I’d head toward our old neighborhood near the Caldwell Institute of Arts.
I know that some people, those too ignorant to know better, thought Caldwell was just a hell-hole where bad things happened twenty-four seven. But it was no different than any other city. There were neighborhoods you didn’t want to be a part of, those that you longed to be a part of, and the ones sandwiched in the middle.
I slowed the Honda as I turned onto our former street and took a breath. The death of my old life and the birth of my new one had taken place just up ahead at the three million dollar French Renaissance mansion. With over 12,000 square feet, fifteen rooms, and a carriage house out in the back, you would think that in this mansion, the people were happy as well as rich.
Oh, we had a ton of money then. But we were all so very poor. My father worshipped at the altar of the green god and when your god is money, you must keep sacrificing more of your life to him so that he doesn’t get angry. When you do screw up and he curses you, he gives you stress and pressure and the ability to become a screaming monster. He gives you glass balls to add to your juggling act and demands you push yourself even harder to please him.
You cut corners. You lie, cheat, and steal and in the end when all those glass balls fall and the money is lost, you are too. The investment business went belly up and with my father’s hand up his puppet-ass, his attorney told the judge everything had been lost—everything but the few million he’d managed to hide in an offshore bank account in the Bahamas that we could never prove he had.
I didn’t make this trek because I longed for my old life. I did it to remind myself I was a better person and how far I’d come since then. I wanted to remember that the old me, the girl caught up in material things in an attempt to deal with all the mind games her father played, wasn’t who I was any more. I wanted to remember that I’d survived a time in my life that had been so destructive that the then fifteen-year-old me didn’t think I would make it. Remembering made me feel stronger.
Today, I had another motive for returning to my old stomping grounds. I wanted to visit my former doctor. She had Saturday hours and I knew she wouldn’t mention to my mom that I wanted a prescription for birth control pills like the doctor closer to my house might since she and Mom were friends.
I did a quick calculation in my head. It would take me ten to fifteen minutes to get to the doctor’s office beside Caldwell Medical Center, another ten to fifteen to wheedle a prescription and then the trip back. I would have to rush through the grocery shopping. Even though I was eighteen, Mom still treated me like I was a lot younger. Exasperated, I’d called her on it once.
She’d blinked and looked at me, smiled sadly and whispered that time was a thief who’d stolen her daughter. Then she’d gone to her room and cried, so I never pointed it out again.
Thirteen minutes later, I whipped the car into a parking spot, snatched my purse and hopped out. Losing my virginity was part of my life list. Next was college, then after I graduated, I planned to backpack through parts of Europe. I’d make sure to do it during the summer so I could take Creature with me. When he was four, he used to beg me to take him “anywhere, everywhere” and I’d promised him I would.
I walked into the doctor’s office and greeted the receptionist. Today was just the beginning. Every good thing that I wanted was going to come true, exactly as I’d planned. I looked forward to the future I was creating for myself instead of the one life had tried to hand me.
After I had the prescription in hand, I left the doctor’s office and stopped by the pharmacy. From there, I went to the ice cream place that I used to frequent all the time. It’s where I’d first met Tristan. His grandparents owned the place and he’d always kind of hung out there. I walked up to the counter and placed my order. As soon as I’d paid and walked over to one of the tables t
o wait for my cone, I heard my name called in a surprised voice.
When I turned around, I came face to face with my past. Tristan. He still wore the same preppy clothes, still had the same perfectly styled blonde hair and not a lock of it was out of place.
His lip curved up into what I’d once thought was a sexy smile but now just looked like a leer. “Babe, you are...” He waved his hand up and down my figure. “Amazing.”
I hadn’t seen him in years. My hair was longer, my skin clearer, and I’d lost the few extra pounds I’d carried back then. Plus, even though summer had just started, I was already sporting a light tan. While I would never qualify as beautiful, I did have a confidence now that I didn’t have back then thanks to learning that I could go through hell and still be able to stand. “Tristan.”
How had I never noticed before how soft and boyish he looked? Or the ugly gleam in his eyes? The thought of being with him made my skin crawl. I was so thankful I’d never crossed that line with him. He was boy where Ryan was man, weak where Ryan was strong, cowardly where Ryan was courage. I smiled at the thought of Ryan.
I guess Tristan took that as encouragement because he stroked my arm. “I’m having a party at my house tonight. Why don’t you come?”
I had no desire to be around him or my former friends and was about to tell him that when he said, “I have a date, but I’ll ditch her. We can use my room and I’ll whisper all the things I plan to do to you before I show you. We have some unfinished business, remember?”
Did I ever remember. On our last evening together, he’d showed up at my house drunk, talked about how much he was going to miss me, given me a sloppy kiss and passed out on my bed before anything could happen. Judging from the photos I’d seen on Instagram, he’d missed me for less than a day before he’d moved on.
I crossed my arms to get away from his touch. “Unfinished business?”
He leaned in. “Come on, you know what I mean. It’ll be great. We were the perfect couple.”
I wasn’t one for retaliation or karma or whatever. Life was too short for getting even drama. I’d never felt the need for any kind of payback toward Tristan. So I don’t know why I said, “Sure. Is it okay if I bring friends?”