by Sonya Weiss
The thought made me break out in a sweat. I couldn’t let anything happen to her no matter what bad shit I had to do and I didn’t doubt there was bad shit on the horizon. The demons I’d tried to outrun were reaching for me. I could almost hear their triumph. “I’m not carrying when I’m back in again.”
“Back in?” Cooper laughed, a hard, dry sound. “You never really left.” He smacked the tattoo on his arm. A replica of the one on mine. “Southtown Brothers for life, man.”
I’d promised Donny I’d never go back. But that was before Tana, before I knew there’d even be a Tana. Before I ripped my heart out of my chest and handed it over to her. I might not be in prison but Southtown Brothers was my life sentence. I knew that now.
“If you need me when the shit hits the fan, you know I’m there,” Cooper said.
I glanced toward Tana’s house. “Yeah.” I left the car, shutting the door in my wake.
“Here.” Cooper tossed the gun out onto the grass at my feet and revved the engine when I stared at him. “That dark side of you—the one that’s trying to figure out a way to beat Chanos until he’s a bloody stain—that’s a part of you that still exists. Might as well face facts. You can clean yourself up, you can think you’ve moved on, but you’re owned by the streets same as me. Juvante’s due to take the next watch. He’s on his way. See you.” He did a U-turn in the middle of the road and drove away.
I looked at the steel demon on the grass, waiting for the opportunity for me to give it life. The things I thought I’d escaped from taunted me, dancing in my memory, screenshot after screenshot of the things I’d done. My record was filled with events of vandalism, reckless driving, discharging a firearm in city limits, simple possession, grand theft for jacking cars, aggravated assault for beating the foster dad who was hurting his daughter and...I clenched my hands into fists. Regardless of the man I’d tried to become, how could I for one second have thought it was okay to have who I’d used to be around Tana?
A movement caught my eye and I turned my head to see. A black SUV rolled down the street, slowing, then stopping in front of Tana’s house. The driver focused on the front door of the house too long to be idle curiosity. I bent over, picked up the gun and jogged toward the SUV.
I knew the guy. Everyone called him Slam. Fat high school kid. A foot soldier for Chanos. Probably no idea what he was getting into. He was so busy looking the other direction, he never saw me coming until I had my hand at the side of his neck. I pushed my thumb against his windpipe hard enough for it to be uncomfortable and squeezed. “Five seconds before I beat your ass, bitch.”
He raised his hands from the wheel, holding them up like he was under arrest. Dumbass. “Hold on, we’re cool.” His voice, caught between childhood and manhood, squeaked and broke on the last word.
“I don’t see any Girl Scout cookies. You’re not selling anything so there’s no reason for you to be here checking out doors.”
“C’mon, man. I haven’t done anything.”
“You better think real hard before you show your face again.” I eased off the pressure and sweat rolled down the side of his face. “Go jerk off somewhere else.” I lowered my hand. “Get the hell out of here.”
His hands shook as he gripped the steering wheel and he took off, no doubt headed straight to Chanos.
Chapter Fifteen
TANA
After Mark settled for the night, I called Brooklyn to check on her and she asked if she could come over and I was glad. I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. I didn’t bother to call Shelby and ask her to join us. Her parents didn’t want her in the neighborhood since learning about my mom’s shooting. If they knew half the places Shelby went and half the things she did, they’d lock her up like Rapunzel. I should know. I used to live in a tower, locked away from the real world just like Rapunzel. But I didn’t want to be that girl who let life happen to her.
An hour later, Brooklyn showed up. She was dressed head to toe in black. She’d changed the way she dressed since the attack like she was trying to fade into the background. Her hoop earrings caught the light as she hugged me. Dropping her purse into the chair by the door, she said, “I’m glad you called.”
“I was worried about you.”
“And I was worried about you.”
“How have you been?”
Her smile faded. “Fine and you keep asking, you keep checking on me, but don’t ask me again, please. I don’t like to think about it, okay?”
“Okay.”
She waved her hand toward the front door. “There’s some beer in my car if you want some.”
‘I can’t. I have to keep a clear head for Mark. He wakes up in the middle of the night and—” I shrugged, unable to put into words the nightmares that gripped my brother.
She sank down on the sofa and kicked off her shoes. “My family was so pissed when they heard what happened to your mom. How is she?”
“Still no change. I spend as much time as I can at the hospital until I have to leave to take care of Mark. She looks so still. I talk to her and I try to be positive but all I can think about are the things I didn’t get to say to her and I wonder if I ever will get the chance.”
“I’m sorry, Tana.”
I forced myself not to give in to the tears that hovered so close. “I want to talk to you because I need your help finding out who did this to my mom. Your brothers...I heard rumors in high school. They’ve got some connections, right?”
Brooklyn bolted upright. “Oh, shit, girl. I can’t believe what you’re thinking.” Her lips tightened and her dark eyes narrowed into slits. “Are you thinking that you want to drag my brothers into this?”
“No, I’m not asking that. I want information from them. If they’ve heard anything about the shooting.”
She ran her hand through her hair and shook her head. “If you’re thinking of trying to find out who did the shooting, that’s not a good idea. You should concentrate on what your mom wants you to do. Get your stuff ready to go to college.”
“College?” I couldn’t help the bitter laugh. I paced back and forth in front of the television, thinking out loud. “How do you think I can go off to college and leave Mark behind if Mom is even better by then? Who’d take care of him? College might not be my future for a while. Trying to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, that’s my reality now.”
“But you don’t know the future,” Brooklyn argued. “I believe your mom is coming home and knowing her, she wouldn’t want this. For you to give up college to help her, it would break her heart.”
“What my mom wanted was to give us a good life. That’s why she worked two jobs.” I gestured around at the living room. “This? This poverty and scratching out a living, this isn’t what she wanted for us. Her in a coma isn’t what she wanted.” I hugged my arms around myself. “I have to find out who did this and why. I want to make sure it won’t happen again.”
“Why don’t you just ask Ryan to find out who shot your mom?”
“Because it’s not Ryan’s responsibility to take care of me or Mark,” I said more sharply than I meant to.
“He would die for you both and you know that.”
Ryan. His blue-green eyes. His muscled body. His smile. The way his body moved inside of mine. The thoughts whirled around inside of my head. If I asked for his help and something happened to him too...I couldn’t. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Her eyes softened. “Oh no. Do you love him?”
I couldn’t bear to think about that much less put it out there. “Even if I did fall for him, it would never work. He’s the kind of guy who walks away.”
“Who knows? Maybe that’s because he never had a reason to stay until now.” She lifted her shoulder in a shrug. “Anyway, I’ll help you however I can, but I can’t bring my brothers into this.”
“I understand. You don’t want anything to happen to them.”
“There’s more to it than that. If Ryan finds out my brothers helped
you and something happens to you or Mark, he’d want answers and he wouldn’t ask for them nicely. I know enough about Ryan’s past to know he’s not someone to cross.”
Her words intrigued me. “What about his past?”
“On the streets, he was a bad ass, a real legend that everyone knew not to fuck with. He was arrested the first time when he was eight for stealing a car and his record only gets worse from there. I know he beat a man to the point where the guy begged for his life. I accidentally saw the police report at Mama Leena’s. The social worker gave it to her with a note saying she wanted Mama Leena to know all about Ryan before he came to live with her. He did stuff when he was in the gang.”
“When did he get involved with the gang?”
“He got jumped into the Southtown Brothers when he was ten by Chanos’ older brother. He was already bad way before then.”
That explained the SB tattoo I’d seen on Ryan’s arm. “Ten? He wasn’t bad. He was a child.”
“I don’t know if Ryan was ever a kid and his age didn’t matter to the gang. When cars get jacked, cops don’t always look for it to be a kid who did it. Someone’s making a dope delivery, same thing. When the brother went to prison, Chanos took over. Most of the guys liked and respected the older brother because he treated everyone with respect. But Chanos...he’s evil for the sake of being evil.”
“Ryan won’t talk about his past.”
“Maybe he’s got a good reason.” Brooklyn had a funny look on her face.
“What?” I asked.
“I like Ryan okay, especially after what he did for me beating that guy’s ass. But you need to be careful.”
“Are you referring to his past? It’s not like he still has any ties to it, right?”
Brooklyn’s gaze didn’t meet mine. “I’ve heard a few things.”
I couldn’t fathom that Ryan could still be involved with someone like Chanos. He was still a bad ass and there was something about him that when he sent one look their direction made other people give him space, and I’d witnessed that myself, but I’d know if he was back to his former life. Wouldn’t I? Thoughts spun in my head. I’d heard stories. The drugs, the women, the drive-by...wait a second. What if what had happened to my mom was somehow tied to Ryan? I mentally slammed the door on the thought. That was impossible. It wasn’t who Ryan was anymore. Besides that, I knew he’d never cause my family or me to get hurt.
*
RYAN
I left Tana’s house after Juvante showed up to take the watch. If she knew I had people looking out for her, she’d probably get mad, but I needed to know she was being protected whenever I wasn’t there.
The miles to Mama Leena’s house passed as I struggled with the changes rushing toward me. Soon my life wouldn’t be mine. I’d get jumped back into the gang. I thought about the gun. To keep the ugly life I’d once lived from hurting Tana more than it already had, I didn’t have a choice about the direction my life had taken, but I wouldn’t cross that line. Chanos wanted to put me on a leash, to own me and use me in ways that would make him a street god everyone would fear. He planned to use Tana as leverage to keep me on that leash. He’d hold her life over my head. What he failed to realize was that I was holding onto the other end of that leash. When I took my last breath and left this world, I was taking Chanos with me.
I guided the Charger into the driveway and Roman shut off the lawn mower and wiped his face with the end of his worn out shirt. “Hey,” he jerked his head toward the house. “Clarke is back.”
After what happened to Tana’s mom, Clarke had taken off, dragging his guilt baggage with him.
“I’ll talk to him.” I reached back into the Charger through the passenger window and took out the gun.
Darting a look toward the house, Roman said, “Don’t let Mama see that. She’s already pretty jumpy.” He followed me to the backyard shed.
“Why is she jumpy?”
“Someone threw a rock through Destiny’s bedroom window.”
“Shit. I’ll deal with it.” I took the shovel and went around behind the shed.
He grabbed my shoulder. “You’ll talk to Clarke. You’ll deal with Mama,” he mimicked in a whiny voice. “Fuck all this talk and let’s go do something.”
Slamming the edge of the shovel into the ground, I shoved his hand away. “Like what? You wanna go play drive-by? Spill a little blood, have a little blood spilled? Will that make you feel like a man? It won’t change what happened. Don’t be stupid. Now, give me your shirt.”
Roman pulled it over his head and handed it to me. “So we just do nothing? Let Chanos think we’re pussies? You know he was the one that called the hit that made Tana’s mom end up getting shot.”
I wrapped the gun in the shirt and laid it on the ground while I dug a hole. “I’m going to handle it.”
“Yeah, because you’re the man with the biggest balls and you can start a war all by yourself.”
“I didn’t start this war.” I kept digging.
“Go ahead. Say it. You’ve been burning with it. It’s Clarke’s fault. It’s my fault.” He hit my shoulder with his palm. “You think it doesn’t eat at me? That I don’t think about it every damn day?”
“Back off, Roman. I’m not in the mood for your shit.”
He hit me again. I dropped the shovel and punched him below the eye. He fell backward and then scrambled to his feet to tackle me around the knees. I rolled over to get him on his back and started whaling on his face.
Roman took the punches, popped me across the lip and then caught me hard in the ribs.
I gave him a solid right back to his ribs and he grunted.
“Hey! Mama’s looking for you. What are you doing?” Destiny’s voice rose an octave.
I shoved away from Roman. “What the fuck does it look like we’re doing? We’re playing tag.”
“Whatever.” She flounced off.
I lay on my back looking up at the bright blue sky.
“I think you broke my damn nose.” Roman sat up and spit blood. He shot me a look with eyes full of pleading. “You’re my brother. The shit you have to deal with, it’s my shit too especially since it’s part my fault.”
Getting to my feet, I pressed my hand to my lip. “You fight like a girl.”
Roman winced as he traced his fingers around his eye. “So do you.”
I dropped the gun into the hole and picked up the shovel to bury it. “I’ll lock the shovel up and then I’ll braid your hair, sweetheart.”
Roman laughed. “One of these days, I’m gonna beat your ass.”
After I finished covering up the gun, I slung my arm around his shoulder as we went to the house. “Might scare me a little if your lip wasn’t swelling.”
“Seriously, Ryan. We do this together.”
“Seriously, Roman. No.” I brushed past him and went inside the house. I wasn’t going to be responsible for any more blood on my hands. Roman didn’t know the kind of shit Chanos would do and I didn’t want my brother caught up in that. I needed to make sure someone was left behind to watch over Mama Leena once I was gone.
Chapter Sixteen
TANA
In the middle of desperation, you keep swimming as long as you can and just when you see the shore and think that you’re going to be okay, that your family is going to be okay, you end up caught in a riptide.
The hospital wanted money or they were going to move mom to the county hospital. The one with the high record of poor patient care and preventable deaths. They’d been on the news after a patient had died of an infection they’d ignored. I needed to keep Mom where she was and the only money I had that would pay the bill was my college tuition. So I gave it to the hospital yesterday. But I needed money for us to live on. Without mom’s income, things were getting pretty ugly financially. I was counting pennies and cutting corners, but I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it up. That’s the only reason that I reached a point low enough to call my poor excuse for a father.
A
s soon as his deep voice came across the line, I gripped the phone. “Um...Mom was in an accident.”
“Sorry to hear that.” The sound of him typing on a keyboard leaked across the line.
“She’s not doing that well.”
“Hang on, Montana. Margie, could you get Carl back on the line for me? Okay, go on.”
I gritted my teeth. “I had to pay the hospital bill.”
“That’s the way the real world works, kiddo.”
“Dad,” I said sharply. “I need some money to replace what I had to pay the hospital. I know that you have it.”
“I’m not responsible for your mother’s care.”
“It won’t be for that. The only money I had was my tuition money, so I used that. But we need money for groceries and to keep the lights on.”
“You’ll figure it out. Listen, I’ve got to run to make a meeting. I’ll call you later.”
I hung up before he did and cursed myself for being so stupid. Had I really thought he’d jump at the chance to help? I didn’t regret for one second giving up my tuition money but I’d thought that somehow, magically, I’d make the phone call and everything would be fine.
I tossed my phone onto the table and threw some chicken nuggets into the microwave. Biting my nail, I tried to come up with a solution, something that would tide us over for a few weeks.
Mark walked into the kitchen and frowned at the box on the counter. “I don’t want that chicken. It tastes like rubber. Why can’t I have cereal?”
“Because you ate cereal yesterday and you can’t have cereal for breakfast, lunch, and supper.” I pushed my hair out of my eyes, frustrated and ready to cry. The days had crawled by and today marked two and a half weeks since someone shot my mom. Everything had piled up at once since yesterday and now after the phone call my nerves had reached the breaking point.