by Sonya Weiss
“You were such a dick, not just once, Ryan, but repeatedly. Like an idiot, I kept on putting up with it. I felt so pathetic.”
“I know.” He reached for my hand, thought better of it and didn’t touch me. “Chanos gave me an ultimatum. I had to rejoin the gang or he would go after everyone that I cared about. Once I made the decision to do that to protect the people I love, I needed to push everyone away, especially you.”
He looked past me for a second as a car pulled into the lot. Then he refocused those gorgeous eyes on me again.” Abraham pointed out that by rejoining the gang, everyone I loved would be a target for a rival gang.” He laughed but it was a bitter laugh. “I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.”
“But why didn’t you just tell me that?”
“You would have insisted that we could find a way to be around each other. I’ve always thought of myself as strong, but you’re my greatest weakness. If anyone wants to hurt me, all they have to do is hurt you. I had to make you hate me so that you’d stay away.”
“It worked, didn’t it?”
“Yeah, it did. I made you hate me and it nearly destroyed both of us.”
I picked up my books and hugged them to my chest, afraid to trust what he was saying. “I don’t know what to think. What if something with your past or with Chanos crops up again?”
“He’s dead.”
Since I’d been on the information blackout, I hadn’t heard that. “What happened?”
“Clarke happened. I don’t want to talk about it.”
I tightened my fingers on the books. “That’s part of the problem, Ryan. You don’t talk about things that matter. You say that you love me, but you don’t let me in. And if you want to be with me, that’s the price you’ll have to pay. I don’t want any more secrets. You have to let me in. All the way.”
“Honey, there are things in my life that are too ugly for me to share with you.”
“All the way, Ryan.”
“I’ve never told anyone some of the stuff I carry around.”
“It’s time that you stopped carrying it alone. I want to know your hurts. I want you to tell me everything. Balls to the wall.”
He grinned and raised his eyebrows. “Balls to the wall?”
“Is it a deal?”
“I’ve got some real ugly demons, Tana.”
“Who the hell doesn’t? We can get together later this afternoon and talk if you decide you can do that.”
“I’m on my way back over to the garage. I have to be there for a while to take care of some stuff.”
“Then tonight. If you show, then we’ll go from that point. If you don’t, then I’ll have my answer. Okay?”
His eyes were solemn He was so handsome, so incredibly hot that I had to mentally smack myself to keep from jumping him. “I’ll be there.” Then he gave me that sexy smile of his and I had to smack harder.
The thought of letting myself be vulnerable with him again did scare me a little and I had to make him see how important it was that we talk honestly. “I’m warning you that this is it for us.”
“I said I’d be there, didn’t I?”
Feeling more hope than I’d felt in a long time, like I was coming out from under a dark cloud, I smiled at him. “Walk me to my next class?”
*
RYAN
Ryker pulled into the parking lot in a 1970 Mercury Cougar that all but purred. I walked out of the garage as he climbed from the car and rubbed his hand along the side of it. The car was blue with black hood stripes across the pronounced center. It was in mint condition. I whistled. “What’d you do to get this?”
“It’s part of a payment package.”
My smile faded. “You’re not bringing shit with you.”
“No. This is on the level. Just have to do a little babysitting.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Apparently they’ve heard some rumors and the king and queen want to make sure Princess Shelby is safe so they hired me to watch over her.”
I laughed my ass off. Ryker King was the least likely choice to put in charge of making sure a rich girl like Shelby was safe. They might as well have tossed her straight to the wolves. “How the hell did you convince them of that?”
Ryker grinned. “I didn’t. I was doing a little bit of security work and they approached the boss. He told them they wanted someone who would blend in with a college crowd and he had just the guy. College and moving expenses all paid up front. So I used a little of it to buy myself this baby.”
“You landed a security job with your record?”
“Juvie records are sealed. Besides, I was framed.”
“Shit, man.” I laughed again, then jerked my head toward the office. “I’ll show you the setup and then you can follow me back to the apartment. Lewis won’t care. You can crash there.”
Ryker walked beside me and then asked about Tana.
“I don’t know. We’re supposed to talk later and deal with some stuff.”
“Forget that shit. Dealing with stuff is girl code for getting her hooks into you. Better run while you can. Ten years from now, you’re gonna be married to that girl and on your way to be a daddy.”
“I’m already hooked.” I pulled open the door to the office. “I don’t want to run. Tana’s it for me.”
Ryker sighed. “Another good man brought down.”
“Wait until it happens to you.”
“No way. I’m all about the pussy buffet. All you can eat. I don’t like the single servings.”
I’d been that clueless once, too. I shook my head, wondering at my own stupidity. When my heart zeroed in on Tana, I’d developed tunnel vision. All I could see, all I wanted was her. I only hoped there was a way back from me living my life and Tana living hers to a life we shared.
Ryker looked around the office and took a deep breath. “We’re really doing this.”
“Yep.”
He shot me a look. “You think about him?”
I nodded. “Yeah. How’s Roman handling Clarke not being around?”
“Alright, I guess. He mostly goes to work and comes home. He did tell me to make sure we didn’t get too drunk. I passed the Line ‘Em Up bar on the way in. We should grab a few after we leave here.”
“I’m meeting Tana, but Lewis will go. Guy never passes a chance to drink.”
After I closed up the garage for the evening, Ryker followed me to the apartment and I introduced him to Lewis. As soon as they left to head to the bar, I went to get ready.
Opening up about my past to Tana would be hard, but if it meant being with her, that was a price I was willing to pay. I’d drag all the ugly demons I’d ever dealt with into the light and let her see them if that’s what it took. She might decide there was too much bad associated with me but I had to take that chance. While I wasn’t crazy at the thought of letting myself be vulnerable, it’s what she needed and I would give her anything she needed.
I finished my shower, wrapped a towel around my waist and started shaving. In a couple of hours, I’d let her see the darkest side of me that no one else knew about. With all my secrets out in the open, there would be no more demons that could hide, waiting for a chance to tear us apart. I had an hour before I needed to meet Tana so I took the time to eat some of the pizza left over from last night. I finished off a couple of slices, brushed my teeth again and my cell phone rang.
Lewis. I answered while searching for my keys at the same time. Then, realizing I’d left them in the jeans lying beside my bed, I walked back into the bedroom.
“You have to help.” His voice was high and agitated.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Ryker. Some guy started shit and Ryker’s kicking his ass. The bartender already called the cops.”
Shit. The last thing Ryker needed was another arrest. “I’m on the way.” I hung up and looked at my watch. If I pushed it hard, I had time to get to the bar, put out this fire, and get back.
Line
‘Em Up lived up to its name. Filled with college students determined to have a good time, the bar was overcrowded, loud and smelled like stale pizza. The owner had a reputation for turning a blind eye to underage IDs. It wasn’t hard to locate Ryker. He was in the middle of the room, surrounded by broken chairs working some pretty boy over.
I waded through the crowd and slapped his shoulder. “Back the fuck off and let’s get out of here.”
“Are you his date, sweetheart?” A guy from the crowd yelled out.
I ignored him. “C’mon, Ryker.” I tried again when someone took a swing at me. I dodged the blow and warned the guy to back off. His friends goaded him on and he stepped closer and tried to hit me again. I took him down in a couple of punches, wanting nothing more than to just get the hell out of there.
I heard the soft snick of a knife opening and turned my head in time to see a guy lunging at Lewis who looked scared shitless. I stepped in, grabbed the guy’s arm and twisted his wrist backward, forcing him to drop it. One of the knife guy’s buddies clocked me on the side of the face which hurt like hell and really pissed me off. Then more of his buddies joined in. Five to one.
Ryker pushed his way beside me. Five to two.
Screaming like a girl, Lewis threw himself into the circle and gave me a thumbs up. Five to two and a half. Then it was on. I don’t know how long the fight lasted, but I managed to take down three of them while Ryker and Lewis worked on the other two. One second I was in the middle of swinging and the next I was slammed against a wall and gifted with a pair of handcuffs. Shit. My jaw throbbed but it was nothing like how my heart was racing. If they hauled me in, I wouldn’t make it to Tana on time.
I was led the back of a police car worrying a hundred miles a minute over Tana. I needed to call her. I had to let her know what happened. She’d think that I didn’t want to be with her if I didn’t show up. I couldn’t let her down.
It took a few hours to sort everything out. The officers talked to the bar owner who explained that I didn’t start the fight and had tried to avoid it. Then they talked to several witnesses who backed the owner’s story. Relieved and free, I headed toward Tana’s dorm.
Chapter Thirty
TANA
I’d talked Shelby into vacating the dorm so that Ryan and I could have privacy. Excitement coursed through me. I didn’t know how things would end, but maybe, if we got everything out into the open, we could build a future together.
Humming to myself, I took a long shower and shaved. I didn’t think we’d end up making love tonight, but just in case, I wanted to be prepared. I spread scented lotion all over my softened skin and went to my dresser to search for the new bra and panty set I’d purchased at the lingerie store. I eased the panties on and as the silky material slid across my skin, I imagined Ryan’s hands doing the same. I put the bra on and gained a confidence boost at the full cleavage it gave me.
Searching through my closet, I chose a short, figure hugging dress with a low neck. I’d been able to have some extra money this semester because in a surprise twist, my father had given my mom a nice chunk of money. She’d bought a new home in a better neighborhood, paid my next year’s tuition, and made sure I had some spending money. For the first time in years, I didn’t feel the pinch financially.
I’d asked her what had come over Dad, but she’d only said that maybe he’d seen the error of his ways. Whatever had caused him to change his mind, was fine with me. I opened up one of the boxes of new shoes I’d bought. The heels were pretty but not practical although they did scream do-me.
After I added the heels and a light touch of perfume, I was ready with half an hour to spare. Dashing around the sitting area, I straightened up the mess Shelby had left and tossed her stuff in the middle of her bed then shut her door. That was the only drawback to rooming with her. She was a total slob and it drove me crazy.
Taking a deep breath, I surveyed the room, then sniffed the air. “Candles,” I muttered and went in search of them. I had two mango and tangerine ones I’d picked up from Target. I lit those, then stretched out on the sofa. As soon as I did, I sat up straight again. No, I didn’t want Ryan to think we could skip talking and go straight to the sex.
He’d said he loved me. I smiled at the memory. We would order pizza. No, Chinese takeout. We’d eat. And we’d talk through the night if we had to. But tonight, everything would change. The minutes passed as I waited.
He should have been here by now. I looked at my cell phone. He was only ten minutes past the time we’d agreed to meet. I bit my lip. He’d said he’d be here. He would be. Of course he would. When twenty minutes passed, I began to pace the room. What if something had happened?
Get a grip. That side of his life was over. I stopped. Was it? I thought back to our conversation in the car. Had Ryan said it was over? No. He hadn’t. He’d only said that Chanos was dead. He’d never said that the past was over. Never said he wasn’t a part of it anymore.
I sank onto the sofa. The memory of seeing my mother so helpless after she’d been shot zipped through my mind’s eye and the awful days that had followed tumbled after the memory. I couldn’t go through something like that again and if Ryan was involved in stuff, then I’d always have to deal with these fears, always have to wonder if he was okay when he didn’t show up. After thirty minutes, with no phone call from Ryan and no answer when I tried to call him, I blew out the candles and paced some more.
By the time an hour had passed, I went to change. Stripping off the dress, I shoved it into a ball in the corner of the closet. I couldn’t stand to look at it, at the hope that it had represented. Removing the sexy lingerie, I dressed in the sweat pants and T-shirt I usually wore to bed. God, what a fool I still was for Ryan. One look from him, one conversation and I was ready to lay myself open to the devastation he’d wreaked on my heart like before. How stupid could I be? I decided that I wouldn’t stay in my dorm tonight. I didn’t want Ryan to show up with some lame excuse or to tell me that he’d thought it over and didn’t want to be with me after all. I didn’t want hear him say he was still part of a dark past that might someday claim his life.
*
RYAN
I raked a hand down my face. Tana wasn’t answering her phone. I raced to the college and as soon as I parked the Charger, I ran across the campus to her dorm and banged my fist on the door so hard I thought I’d punched a hole in it.
There was no answer. Shit. I couldn’t be this fucking close to having her in my life again only to have it snatched away. I eased myself to the floor and sat there all night long. It was a quarter past nine before Shelby walked into the hall wearing a rumpled dress and carrying a pair of high heels in her hand. She shoved a key into the lock and gave me a nasty glare. “I talked to Tana last night. You have a lot of nerve showing up here.”
“Where is she?”
“Why would I tell you?”
I gripped both sides of the doorframe after she walked in. “Because me not being here last night was something I couldn’t help.”
“Uh huh. Something or someone? I know she has stars in her eyes when it comes to you, but she’s my friend and I won’t let you hurt her.”
“I would have moved heaven and hell to get to her last night because I love her and I’m asking you to let me make this right with her.”
Shelby’s cold expression softened. “Oh. She has history again this period. She’s probably already there.”
“Thanks.” I left before Shelby could say anything else. I didn’t want to hear from Tana’s friend how that Tana was done with me. Not before I had a chance to explain.
Instead of using the doors at the back of the room, I used the side entrance that the professor took to enter the room. He was at the lecture podium and when I opened the door, his eyebrows shot up. He looked at me over the top of his glasses and recognition dawned. “Can I help you?”
“I need this.” I stepped in front of the microphone. “Tana Shaw!” Heads turned toward where she was sitting in the
same spot where I’d seen her in the class the first time. “Last night, something prevented me from getting to you. But that doesn’t mean we’re not meant to be.”
Some of the girls in the class made the ‘aww’ sound. I ignored them. “I know you’re scared. Hell, the thought of how I might screw this up in a million different ways scares me too. You’re right that I’ve got a shitload of junk in my past and I won’t deny that. But my past made me who I am today and I won’t apologize for that because it has helped me to survive and it has led me here, to this point. And that’s loving you.”
Tana stood up, but I was afraid to give her a chance to speak, afraid she’d tell me that it was too late. I rushed on. “You need to know that my past made me strong enough to protect the people I care about and that’s never going to change. If you think that makes me a badass or a sonofabitch or whatever you want to label me, then so be it. I’ll let out whatever fucking demon I have in me to protect you. You need to know that before you take me on.” I opened my arms. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here last night. I’m asking you to realize that I fucking love you and that will never change no matter how many times I screw up.”
Tana covered her mouth with her hands as the girls in the class started clapping. Then crying, she threaded her way past the rows of other students, and made her way to the aisle. My heart skipped a beat when she started toward me. Carefully, slowly, then running. She flung herself into my arms. I kissed her and the professor said, “Well, I guess she loves him too.”
The class erupted into laughter and the professor firmly invited us to leave his class and said for me not to come back.
Outside the classroom, I smoothed the hair away from her tear-stained face and said, “I can’t ever not love you.”
“I thought you’d made the decision last night that you didn’t want to be with me.”
I pressed her hand against my thundering heart. “That’s not possible. I want you in my bed, in my life now and in my future.”