by Stacy Reid
She closed the door, ensuring it slammed. A gasp sounded and then a muttered curse.
“Fanny?” came Darcy’s startled cry.
“I did not mean to intrude on your privacy,” she said blushing. “I never thought you would be…kissing.” In daylight, and in such an intimate fashion. Certainly not after the speech Darcy had given Fanny on how a lady should conduct herself with private matters. She had been happy for her friend's guidance, even though lately she had been yearning to touch and kiss Sebastian on more than his lips.
A lady must never be wanton in her desires.
You’ll repulse your husband if you show yourself to be too eager for the marriage bed.
You must lie silent and not be vocal in your responses. It will be perceived as vulgar and unladylike.
Those were a few of Darcy’s instructions she remembered with clarity for they were some of the hardest to adhere to once Sebastian took her in his arms. She turned around to see her brother and his countess respectably composed. He made his way over to her and hugged her.
“It is good to see you, Fanny, I trust you will stay with us for dinner?”
Her noncommittal response was muffled against his chest, and she returned his embrace fiercely. “Is mother back from Bath?”
“She’s opened the house at Camden Place and intends to stay for the entire season.”
“I’ve been married six weeks and mamma is still prostrate with disappointment? It isn’t likely to change,” she said with amused exasperation.
"You know mother. She will come around when she is of a mind to recall that Viscount Shaw is three times wealthier than the marquess."
Fanny scowled at her brother who ignored it and bestowed a tender smile toward Darcy then departed. Fanny made her way over to the sofa, sat, and settled comfortably against the cushions. Darcy pulled the bell for tea and cakes. She peered at Fanny, an unusual glow in her eyes. It was perhaps one of happiness, and Fanny was heartened to see it.
“I see things with Colin have improved?” Fanny probed delicately.
Her friend blushed. “I daresay it has. I packed my trunks and was about to depart and he begged me to stay. Oh Fanny, it has been glorious since,” she gasped, clutching her rosy cheeks.
Fanny grinned. “I am happy for you. When you did not reply to my note yesterday I dreaded the worst, that you were so unhappy you were abed.”
“Nothing of the sorts, we...I...was just busy.” She bushed so prettily, she gave Fanny an inkling just what activity had kept her friend busy.
A maid entered with a tea trolley, and they waited until she arranged the tray on the small satinwood table, then departed. Darcy poured the teas and handed Fanny a cup.
“Are you content with the viscount?” Darcy asked skeptically as if such a thing was improbable.
Fanny laughed, and her friend's eyes widened. "Oh yes, I am. I am exploring and learning and loving. I am happy." And the knowledge settled deep inside. If only she would be brave enough to explore the wild desires thrumming inside of her, and to strip away the restraint she could feel in her husband's touch when he loved her. “Dare I ask why you are glowing?”
“Oh, Fanny, I cannot tell you!”
They stared at each other, and then laughed.
“Are you truly happy, Darcy? Has Colin stopped...whatever he was doing?”
Darcy sipped her tea as if gathering her thoughts. “You are married now so I will speak frankly. I was going to leave him, and I cared not one whit about scandal.”
Fanny straightened from her casual repose. “Leave my brother?”
“Yes. He had a mistress, and he visited her once a week even though he came to my bed every night,” Darcy said hoarsely, a flash of pain blanketed her face before she gathered her composure.
Anger and disgust surged through Fanny. “Why would Colin dishonor you and the vows made before God. I know he loves you.”
Darcy blushed.
“What is it?”
“It is not fit for your ears,” Darcy said primly, even though her hazel eyes danced with amusement.
“Don’t tell me this is another secret that must only be known by men of our world, how utterly silly and outrageous.”
Darcy sighed and gave a little apologetic smile. “There are things men need that a lady cannot do. Collin did not want to dishonor me, and he felt honor bound not to disgust my sensibilities.”
Fanny could only stare at her. “What utter rubbish!”
Darcy grimaced. "My mother told me gentlemen would always have their mistresses and it is the way of the word, but I believed Colin was beyond such temptations. He loves me, I love him and that should have been enough. I gave him an ear full. To both our amazement I slapped his face. I was so distraught."
“But you’ve forgiven him?”
"We've reached a compromise," she said.
Fanny stared at her, her mouth going dry. “What sort?”
“Fanny I cannot say!”
“Darcy do not be silly, we are married women and you are my dearest friend, you can trust this particular confidence with me.”
Darcy looked away. “These are things only fast and immoral women would do but it seems my husband craves these acts." She didn’t seem disgusted at the notion more fascinated and her face was scarlet.
A flash of knowledge tore through Fanny. Darcy had done these very acts she wanted hidden. Oh. She sat awkwardly, her heart beating wildly. “Is...is one of these things making love with your husband fully unclothed...and not in the dark?”
They were both blushing by the time her question ended, and Darcy giggled. “Fanny, this conversation is most improper, but yes.”
Then she changed the conversation to the mundane, and Fanny listened half-heartedly speculating what else Sebastian required of her that only loose and immoral women would normally do. And wondering why she was so terribly fascinated? And frightened...and breathless...and curious.
A couple of hours after visiting Darcy, Fanny returned home. She’d responded to a few letters, mostly charities soliciting her patronage which she gladly provided, but thoughts of the desires her husband might be keeping from her had overwhelmed her, distracting her from the tasks at hand. With a sigh, she pushed aside the packet of letters and lowered the quill onto her writing desk. Fanny stood and exited the smaller drawing room which she had commandeered as her personal space. She made her way to the room in which her husband practiced his boxing, and the voices floating through the door alerted her that he was not alone. Percy Taylor had come to call again, the third day in succession if she was not mistaken.
“You should take a lover…that is what you need if you cannot go to your genteel wife for your needs.”
Shock froze the greeting on Fanny’s tongue. Though the door to the exercise room was ajar, both men’s backs were to her and seemed engrossed in their conversation.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sebastian snapped, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I am not discontented.”
He shifted from his friend, his side profile stark and uncompromising. Her heart trembled and the uncertainty swamping her senses was unbearable.
Percy jabbed at him, and her husband bounced away, his feet shuffling with grace and speed as they danced around each other in a rhythm that was now familiar to her.
"Come man, do you take me for a fool? The last time you demanded we spar every day was when you had hoped to work away your frustration because of how badly you wanted Lady Fanny and she was beyond your reach. Now you've married her and weeks after here we are pounding away again. You are not happy with her.”
She jerked and pressed a hand to her chest, silently urging them to see her hovering in the doorway. The will to step away was beyond her grasp, yet a part of her did not want to hear a confession where the man she was falling in love with found her lacking. Then Percy Taylor glanced up and their gazes collided. Fanny wanted to wilt with relief. This sordid conversation would now end. Instead, his lips twisted in regret and his lips parte
d.
He said, “You will have to procure a mistress so as not to upset your Viscountess’ sensibilities. You know it is the sensible thing to do man, or you’ll drive yourself crazy from frustration.”
She hated him violently at that moment for even suggesting something so vile. He stared at her unapologetically. Her throat ached, and her eyes burned. Fanny shifted her regard to her husband who still had no notion she waited by the doorway, her breathing suspended for his answer. He made no reply, tipping his head to the ceiling and pinching the bridge of his nose.
A bleak pain twisted through Fanny’s soul at the look of pure hunger that settled on her husband’s face.
"I do need more from Fanny. I am not at all certain it will ever happen. But I knew she was a genteel soul when I offered for her, so I must adjust my expectations. I am content.”
Even to her his words sounded hollow. She pressed trembling fingers to her lips.
"So, will you take a mistress then?" Percy asked ruthlessly, still pinning her with his golden gaze. "If your lady wife cannot satisfy your urges you know that is what you must do."
A mix of emotions assaulted her senses—pain, rage, denial, and loss. The husband she had been falling hopelessly in love with wanted another woman, for Fanny did not please him. She feared her chest would split wide open to show her crushed heart. Foolishly, she had hurtled herself impetuously into such intense feelings for him, and he found her wanting, and hadn’t even had the decency to speak with her about it, as married couples should.
“No,” came Sebastian’s flat and dismissive reply. “I would never dishonor Fanny so. I must simply suppress any desire that will likely repulse her. I couldn’t bear if she were to view me in the same manner my mother saw my father.”
Except his words of affirmation to their union were not a balm. She felt wretched, and she must have made some sound for his head snapped up, and he stiffened when he spied her, every line in his body going rigid. Fanny whirled around and hurried away, ignoring his calls. Was this how Darcy had felt? Dear God. How humiliating to think she did not satisfy his hunger, especially when he made her so happy and her soul content. However, what she lacked would drive him to another, and she would never forgive such a betrayal.
“Fanny!”
Grabbing the skirts of her dress, she lifted them and ran away, bounding up the stairs to her room. His footsteps echoed against the parquet floor as he raced after her. She shoved into her chamber, trying to close the door before he came in on her. Sebastian pushed through the door and she slowly backed away.
“Get out, my lord.”
“No.” He only wore a trouser and was bare-chested and bare feet. He advanced as she backed away. “Let me explain, Fanny what—”
“I heard enough,” she said, her breath itching on a sob.
“You heard nothing but the foolish utterances of a misguided friend offering advice that was unwarranted. I would never betray you.”
“I saw your face!”
He faltered.
“You craved. You needed more...and it was not me who you thought of.”
His jaw visibly flexed. “It was you,” he snapped, a fierce storm brewing in his eyes. “Every lascivious thought and image that crowed my damn mind when Percy spoke was of you, us. You have been interred in my mind and heart for over two years. I assure you, wife, no one can replace you. I met you at a ball two years and three months past and you did not notice me. But you were imprinted in my heart, your smile, the sweet way you laughed, the habit you have of tucking your hair behind your ear when you are nervous. In the months I waited in agony that you would deign to notice me, I’ve never had a lover. You have been my only lover since I saw you, and it offends me that you believe so little of my character you think I would ever dishonor our vows.”
Thick, fierce tension swirled around them.
“And you thought so little of my character you never thought to speak with me about the things you find lacking,” she said hoarsely.
He flinched. “You are a lady, Fanny, I...I...I am rough in my ways and coarse in my needs.” A rough groan of frustration issued from him. “And we are giving it more weight than it needs. I was not born a lord with genteel ways, but I am not a goddamn animal. I can control my needs.”
Something inside her seemed to break, crumbling to pieces, and dissipate. "I find nothing repulsive about you," she said. "I cannot perceive you would believe it. I do not care that you were not bred into refinement, I quite admire that your hard work and dedication procured your wealth." She closed her eyes. "The fact a mistress was suggested to you...." She blushed, and she hated her reaction. "You discounted that discontent, but you cannot. It will break you down and make you miserable. And it hurt deep down here." She pressed a hand above her racing heart. "That I do not make you happy, as for how you've made me."
He was before her in two strides, cupping her cheeks, tilting her face to his. “Do not be foolish. You made me the happiest man when you consented to be my wife, and you’ve not disappointed me once. The need for more I have is sexual, and I promise you that can be ignored and never be brought up again.”
Liar. She knew what dissatisfaction with her lot in life felt like, and how it could rob one of sleep and happiness. “Our marriage is forever,” she whispered. “Do not dismiss the things you desire because of the misguided belief that as I am a lady, I will collapse from mortification. I need to be able to trust in your honesty with me always, Sebastian. If you honor as you claim...I need to see all of you so that I can love all of you.”
He hesitated a long moment before replying, “I do not want to make love with you in the silent hush of darkness with curtains drawn.”
She smiled tremulously. “I can do that.”
“There’s more,” he said, curious heat shifting in his eyes.
“Yes?”
“I want you to give me the opportunity to make love to you unreservedly. If you do not enjoy it, I promise I will respect your choice and nothing you say or do can ever diminish the regard I have for you, Fanny.”
“Tell me,” she breathed.
"I want to see all of you. I want to love you in the nights and the days. I want to spread you wide and lick all over. I want to be sweet and gentle, but I can also be rough and demanding."
Fanny’s heart beat a too fast tempo. She licked her lips, and he slid his thumb over her bottom lips.
“I want these lips to suck my cock with tight pulls.”
She stared at him, confused, mortified, and then the full image unfurled in her mind. Oh God. A shock of heat tore through her and between her legs ached. She pulled away from him and pushed a loose wisp of hair behind her ear.
He smiled tenderly. “There is no need to be nervous.”
“And you’ll not think me vulgar?”
Anger fired in his eyes. “A woman’s passion is never vulgar. It is honest and beautiful, what society calls wanton, I call sensual. Whoever has told you that nonsense deserves a bullet.”
“And what you did that first night...when you placed your mouth on me there, you’ll want to do that?”
The hunger that flamed in his eyes had her stepping away from him warily. She found herself holding her breath. He made no advances and she slowly relaxed.
“Let’s take a walk in the gardens, sit outside and read. We need not speak of this anymore,” he said softly.
“I am dusty from travel. I will take a bath and meet you within the hour?”
He nodded, and her throat ached at seeing wariness in his eyes. He left her room, closing the door gently. An odd sense of shock tore through her and an awareness flowered. He truly believed her refined sensibilities would never allow her to be the sensual creature he craves.
Fanny collapsed onto her bed, hugging a cushion to her chest, fighting against the ache pressing against her heart. How little they still knew each other, even though she could feel the admiration he had for her. He wanted to make love with the light...and he wanted her mouth on him.
To stand before her husband naked seemed beyond shameless and allowing him such awful intimacy was incomprehensible. The giggle that slipped from her was startling. It hadn't occurred to Fanny that people cavorted so and found pleasure in it. Clearly ladies did not, and their men found mistresses to alleviate their sexual desires. Well, that was what Darcy alluded to earlier and Fanny thought it an outrageous excuse to dishonor vows made before God. She sensed the honesty in her husband when he said he would never dishonor their vows. He’d wanted her for over two years and he had waited.
She smiled, falling in love with him completely at that moment.
Chapter 12
Sebastian felt stuck on the uncertainty and pain he’d seen in his wife’s eyes. How could she doubt his affections? Because you’ve been keeping a part of yourself from her. And now she felt as if he did not want her. What rubbish, with every breath in his body he ached for her, and not just to make love. Her gentle smiles had a way of making him feel seven feet tall. She was witty and compassionate and so damn sweet she made his teeth ache. She made his day brighter when she visited the office, and her dedication to helping him with his work without much care that it would be frowned upon by society filled him with admiration.
You craved....
The memory of her hoarse pain filled voice raked at him.
But it is for you I crave my sweet. And he would spend every day showing her that, and not the way she would expect. He desired her beyond sexual pleasures. Sebastian did hunger to be free with his urges with her, but he wanted her to see he loved her and not how damn good she made him feel between the sheets. They had a lifetime together, and he would slowly remove all the shyness and eventually love her in the wild and untamed desire she roused in him. He would be honest with her in every regard.
“Forgive me if I overstepped,” Percy said stiffly, from behind him.
"Why are you still here?" Sebastian had slugged him in the gut when he'd come back down from his wife's room. He'd left him doubled over in the library, entirely uncaring, for he'd realized Percy would have known Fanny was standing there and had deliberately injured her with his thoughtless remarks. Percy was now dressed but still looked a little green in his face.