by Paige Toon
‘Rafael Rios,’ Agnes says, joining our conversation with a grin. ‘He’s just won the new CiaoCiao campaign.’ CiaoCiao is a major fashion house.
‘Excuse us while we have a mini meltdown,’ I say. ‘Do all of these people go to my new school?’
‘Yep. And they’re all dying to meet you, so come with me.’
I mouth an apology to Natalie as Agnes whisks me away and, for the next hour, my head spins as I’m introduced to stars and starlets and the offspring of famous actors, musicians, models and sportspeople. Everyone is affable, some to the point of being completely OTT, but I decide I’d rather they were fake than unfriendly or bitchy.
Speaking of bitchy, where’s Lissa? Agnes told me she’d invited everyone from school, but I haven’t seen the tall, skinny blonde girl who last summer tried to out me to the press. She didn’t succeed at the time, but she made life much more difficult for me and I wouldn’t mind never setting eyes on her again.
‘She moved to New York!’ Agnes tells me, laughing at my delighted expression. ‘Her dad took a job out there. I can’t believe I didn’t tell you!’
‘Oh my God, you have made my night,’ I say with a laugh.
School is becoming less scary by the second.
Isaac is mixing up his own beats now and loads of people have taken to the dance floor, so it’s getting harder to talk in the igloo. There are caterers circulating with Mexican canapés and after a while I spy Lou.
‘Is Tom OK?’ I shout over the music.
She looks uneasy. ‘I think so. He and Chris are outside. I was just getting us some drinks. Want to join us?’
I have a flashback to the way it used to be when we were a foursome. It hurts to know that those days are gone.
I’m saved from answering her by Jenna Kelly, one half of famous blond-haired, blue-eyed, brother-and-sister twins. They present a Saturday morning tweenie music show together. ‘Jessie, can we get a selfie?’ she asks.
‘I’ll catch you later,’ I say to Lou, watching with regret as she walks away.
Jenna and Justin press their beaming, tanned faces to mine as Justin holds his phone aloft. Their teeth are practically glowing, they’re so white.
‘Thanks!’ Jenna exclaims. ‘We’ve just got one with your dad, too.’
‘I bet he loved that,’ I reply with a grin.
‘Your accent is so cute, I just cannot get over it!’ Justin gushes. He’s so much camper than he comes across on the telly.
‘You’ll have to come to our birthday party next week!’ Jenna chips in.
‘I’d love to,’ I reply with a smile.
It’s a while before I can extract myself. All of these introductions are quite overwhelming, and the small talk is wearing me out. I’m desperate to be with my real friends. I haven’t seen Jack for a while, but I find my British posse outside the igloo, sitting on the grass in a circle. I sigh with relief as I plonk myself down beside them.
‘I swear I just saw Ellie Tomlinson,’ Lou is saying.
‘You did,’ I reply, finally giving myself permission to yawn. I’ve been stifling them for ages.
Ellie is the daughter of Jessica River, a famous actress, and the younger sister of Jake Tomlinson, who’s just been cast in a superhero franchise.
I’m so past caring right now.
‘Courtney Victor’s daughter is here, too,’ Dougie says, nudging Aaron’s arm. ‘What’s her name again?’ he asks anyone who’s listening.
‘Sienna,’ I reply wearily. Courtney is a supermodel and Sienna is following in her mother’s footsteps.
They continue batting names around and I want to ask if we can talk about something else, but I don’t want to sound uptight. I catch Tom’s eye across from me and give him a tired smile. His corresponding look is laced with concern.
‘You OK?’ he mouths.
I nod. A feeling of intimacy passes between us and I have to force myself to avert my gaze. Where is Jack? I turn and scan the crowds of people hanging out under the festoon lights and spot him having a cigarette and talking to Lottie in her bright red dress. His arm is round her shoulders and he’s saying something that makes her throw her head back and laugh. He’s cheering her up – I guess that’s a good thing.
I return my attention to the group and find Tom still watching me. I’m guessing from his expression that he’s noticed Jack, too. I wish I could explain to him that Jack has always been tactile, that this is nothing new or anything to be alarmed about.
At that moment, one of the caterers comes along and asks us to go inside the igloo. I unenthusiastically get to my feet and dust myself off, looking over my shoulder in time to see Miles pulling Jack away from Lottie.
‘He’s very touchy-feely, isn’t he?’ Tom says drily, joining me. I watch as Jack and Miles disappear from view behind the igloo.
‘Yep,’ I say curtly. ‘He’s always like that.’
‘Doesn’t it bother you?’
‘Please don’t,’ I reply, shooting him a rueful glance. ‘I’m too tired to argue.’
‘I know you are,’ he says quietly. For some reason, we both hang back from the crowds moving inside. ‘How are you feeling?’ he asks.
‘Surreal. I feel like I’ve stepped onto the pages of a glossy magazine.’
‘Tell me about it.’
‘Are you OK?’ I ask him worriedly. ‘I’m sorry he’s here, that you had to meet him.’
‘It is what it is.’ He winces. ‘Anyway, it’s only for one night.’
‘I wish you guys could stay longer,’ I mumble, hating that they’re all leaving tomorrow.
‘Do you?’
I glance at him. ‘Yes. You’ve all helped take my mind off things today, but it doesn’t change anything. It’s going to be even harder when you leave. I won’t be able to stop thinking about her.’
A memory assaults me from out of nowhere.
She cups my face and beams at me as her light-brown eyes shine with excitement. She’s just given me tickets to see Noel Fielding, one of my favourite comedians.
‘I thought we could go together!’ she blurts out.
I realise with a start that the gig has come and gone and I missed it without even thinking about Mum.
My bottom lip starts to tremble.
‘Hey!’ Tom says with dismay, running his hand down the length of my bare arm. But it’s not enough. I really want a hug right now. Before I can think about what I’m doing, I step forward into the arms of the boy who was there for me when I needed him. And he’s still here for me now. His arms close round me and I squeeze my eyes shut, but tears still escape.
‘It’s alright,’ he murmurs, holding me tight.
‘I still can’t believe she’s gone,’ I cry, my chin resting on his shoulder.
‘It’s alright,’ he says again, and I’m so thankful to him in that moment for having agreed to try to be my friend.
But then it dawns on me that what I’m doing isn’t fair. I may have hurt him, but that doesn’t mean the feelings he had for me are gone.
And I realise at that moment that my feelings for him haven’t left me, either, even though I’ve chosen to be with someone else.
I blink and try to pull myself together, but, as I step back from Tom, I see Jack about twenty metres away, staring straight at us. And he does not look happy.
‘Jessie!’ Natalie shouts from the entrance to the igloo. Her eyes dart between Tom and me as she hurriedly beckons for me to go inside. When I look towards Jack again, he’s gone. I brush away my tears and move in a daze towards her.
‘Where is she?’ I hear Johnny’s voice come over the sound system as I walk inside. The music is no longer playing.
‘She’s here!’ someone shouts and, as the crowd parts to let me through, I see Johnny standing on a small stage near the DJ decks, holding a microphone. ‘There she is,’ my dad says in his familiar, deep drawl. ‘I thought I was going to have to send out a search party. Come through, Jessie.’
I do as he says, my cheeks fl
aming as a hundred pairs of eyes turn to look at me. When I get closer, I notice that the drum kit from Johnny’s music studio has been brought out here, and there’s an amp hooked up to what looks like… Jack’s guitar?
‘Now I know that you should really be up here instead of me,’ Johnny says as my All Hype bandmates come through the igloo’s rear entrance and take to the stage. Brandon and Miles grin at me as the former picks up his bass guitar and the latter sits down behind the drum kit and twirls his drumsticks in his fingers.
Jack is stony-faced as he slips his guitar strap over his head.
Johnny continues. ‘But do your old man’s ego a favour and let me sing you a song for your birthday.’
There are a few ‘aahs’ from the audience and then all noise is drowned out as Miles starts to hammer out a beat and Brandon comes in on the bass and I know exactly where they’re going with this, because it’s one of my favourite All Hype songs. It’s called ‘Birthday Girl’ and it’s an ironic punk-rock number that’s guaranteed to get people jumping.
Johnny launches into the lyrics and, even though I hate that Jack is angry with me, I can’t help but clap my hand over my mouth and laugh at the sight of my famous dad singing an All Hype track. At that moment, Jack lifts his eyes to meet mine, and the corners of his lips tilt up at the sight of me smiling. I beam back at him, relieved that he’s not glaring at me, and he steps forward to his mic to sing backing vocals, never taking his eyes from mine.
Christ, he is so sexy.
‘I can see why you fancy him!’ Natalie shouts in my ear. I didn’t realise she’d come up to the front with me and I’m so happy to see her. I grab her arm and squeeze it.
‘Seriously! Hot!’ she yells, as I flash her a grin and remind her to ‘Shh!’
It’s then that I notice the sea of smartphones and the rapt faces around us.
When the song ends, everyone bursts into applause and starts cheering, me included.
‘Get up here,’ Johnny says to me, jerking his head towards the stage. I hope he doesn’t want me to sing. There is no way in hell I’m singing.
But then from out of the back door comes Eddie, our cook, carrying an enormous three-tiered chocolate birthday cake, its top tier alight with large candles. The band strikes up again and Johnny reaches for my hand to pull me up on the stage while he sings ‘Happy Birthday’ straight to my face and everyone else joins in. I am so embarrassed, but he’s really ramping up the ‘aw’ factor so it’s kind of cute, too.
Eddie comes towards me with the cake, and as I step forward to blow out the candles – all sixteen of them – I remember Mum looking harassed as she tore out of the house to buy my birthday cake a year ago without so much as a ‘see you later’. She was running late and I was annoyed at her because I’d wanted her to help me curl my hair before my friends started to arrive.
I suddenly realise that I’m about to lose it in front of all these people.
My breath comes out in short bursts. I try to focus and inhale enough air to blow out the candles. I manage it in two torturous attempts, and then everyone’s clapping and all I want is to get down from the stage and disappear.
But Johnny has other ideas.
‘Your turn,’ he says, handing me the mic.
I shake my head, staring at him pleadingly. Don’t do this to me…
‘Come on, chick,’ he urges, his eyebrows knitting together. ‘Your friends should get to see how awesome you are.’
He’s always encouraging me to sing in public, to get over my fears, but can’t he see that now is a terrible, terrible time?
All Hype launch into ‘Disco Creep’ and I feel like I’m on a very fast train that I can’t get off. I reluctantly take the mic as Johnny jumps down from the stage. He stands right at the front, next to Natalie, and grins up at me.
It’s bizarre how, when it comes down to it, singing the song is easy. From the moment my mouth opens, instinct takes over and suddenly I’m just the fourth member of a really cool band, and I couldn’t care less who’s watching or judging me. I scan the crowd, seeking out my friends and smiling inwardly at their blown-away expressions. Then I see Stu, ten people deep and off to one side, and suddenly I’m being assaulted by more memories. Memories of how, when they found her, she had an M&S bag with my birthday cake inside. We couldn’t afford to shop there usually, but that day she splashed out. And, for all her trying, the cake she bought still paled into insignificance in comparison to the one Eddie has made.
I have no idea how I make it through the song, but, when I do, I am well and truly done. I push past Johnny as he proudly claps me on my back, I push past all of the people who I can’t yet call friends, and maybe never will, and then I’m in Stu’s arms and I’m begging him to please, please get me out of there.
Chapter 4
Johnny finds us in the kitchen, nursing mugs of tea with a mound of tissues piled up on the table between us.
‘Hey,’ he says, looking absolutely gutted. ‘Sam said you were in here.’
‘Sorry I ran out,’ I mumble.
‘No, I’m sorry I pushed you. I’m really sorry,’ he says, stressing the word.
‘Does everyone think I’ve lost the plot?’ I ask miserably.
‘Nah.’ He shakes his head. ‘I don’t think anyone even noticed you were upset. They just thought you were making a dramatic exit.’
I stare at the wall in a daze.
‘Your song went down really well,’ he says sincerely, before his expression morphs back into one of guilt. ‘Not that I imagine that’s foremost in your mind right now.’
‘No, but thanks.’
‘Your friends are wondering where you are,’ he says gently.
‘I bet they’re knackered with the time difference.’ It’s the early hours of Sunday morning in the UK so they’ve effectively been up all night.
‘We should be going to the hotel soon,’ Stu concedes, as it dawns on me that if I were in England, the anniversary of Mum’s death would have already passed.
‘Can I come with you?’ I ask Stu in a small voice, looking at him first and then at Johnny.
Stu looks at Johnny, too. I dry my fresh tears with another tissue and notice my poor rock-star dad is looking decidedly jaded.
‘You can if you want, chick,’ he says heavily. ‘I’ll get Annie to make you a reservation.’
‘No, don’t bother her this late,’ I say. It must be after eleven. ‘I’ll crash with Libby or Nat. I’m sure they have a sofa or something.’
Johnny nods, staring morosely at the table.
‘You don’t mind, do you?’ I ask him, getting to my feet unsteadily.
‘Of course not,’ he says gruffly, standing up also. He seems a bit awkward, like he wants to give me a hug, but doesn’t really know how. After all, my stepdad was the one I turned to when I needed support. I cringe as I realise this – it was automatic, because I was thinking about Mum.
‘I’ll go and get everyone together,’ I say quietly.
‘I’ll do that,’ Johnny says.
‘I’ll help,’ Stu adds, standing up.
‘OK.’ I squeeze Johnny’s arm as I leave the room. I still call him Johnny most of the time – ‘Dad’ doesn’t come naturally to me. We’ve still got a long way to go before we feel like a proper father and daughter. The thought of this makes me pine for Stu and I’m crushed at the thought of him leaving tomorrow. I hurry away before my emotions can take over again.
A knock on one of the floor-to-ceiling windows catches my attention as I walk back through the open-plan living room. I turn to see Jack standing outside on the terrace.
‘It’s just Jack,’ I tell Sam, who’s already on his way to the glass door. ‘I want to talk to him.’ I move past Sam and slide the door open, stepping into the cool night. Jack has moved away from the window and is now a silhouette outlined by the lights of LA in the distance.
‘Hey,’ he says, lifting his right hand to his mouth. He takes a drag from the cigarette he’s holding and, for a
couple of seconds, his face is bathed in amber light. ‘I was worried about you,’ he says, exhaling.
‘Were you?’
‘You sound surprised.’
‘I am a bit,’ I admit. ‘I thought you were mad at me.’
He leaves a long pause before answering. ‘I’m not mad.’ He walks over to one of the ashtrays and stubs out his cigarette. ‘But I’d really like to take you somewhere private so I can remind you why you chose me over him.’
Butterflies crowd my stomach and I’m rooted to the spot as he slowly walks towards me.
‘I don’t need reminding,’ I murmur, as his hands slide round my waist. My head tingles as he bends down and presses his lips to my neck.
‘Are you sure?’ he asks in a low voice, thick with meaning.
‘I’m sure,’ I whisper, as he kisses my jaw. A little sigh escapes me and then his mouth is on mine.
He kisses me passionately, his fingers tangling in my hair at the nape of my neck as his tongue invades my mouth. I grab his shoulders for support as my knees turn to jelly.
‘JACK! ARE YOU THERE?’
He breaks away immediately and puts some distance between us as Brandon emerges from the side of the house.
‘I knew I’d find you out back with a girl,’ he teases, rolling his eyes at me.
I realise he wouldn’t be reacting this jovially if he’d caught us kissing. Wait, he expected to find Jack making out with someone else? Great.
‘Maisie wants to leave,’ Brandon tells us. ‘Why didn’t you stick around for your encore?’ he asks me.
‘She was a bit upset, dude. Let it go,’ Jack says.
‘Upset?’ Brandon looks confused.
He probably doesn’t even know the significance of today – we may be bandmates, but we’re not properly friends yet.
He shrugs. ‘It’s your party, I guess.’
‘Yep, and I can cry if I want to.’ I force light-heartedness into my tone and turn back to Jack. ‘Listen, I’m going to go and stay with my friends at the hotel tonight.’
He looks instantly alarmed, but he can’t get into a conversation about it in front of Brandon.