Jenny nodded, her mouth too full to respond.
Kelsey reached out and grabbed one of the price cards. Flipping it over, she scribbled: On break for ten minutes. Walk away. Placing it back at the front of the table, she turned to Jenny expectantly, folding her hands in her lap like a therapist.
“So, spill. Tell me everything.”
“About?” Jenny asked around a mouthful of lemon bar.
Kelsey raised an eyebrow, “C’mon, Wessler, spill.”
Jenny swallowed, setting down the rest of the bar. She still didn’t really want to talk about it. The last hour and a half had left her feeling pretty fine, and thinking about it now was only going to make her sad again. But she owed her friend something. Surprisingly, what came out wasn’t a rant about the song.
“Would you say that I’m … distant?”
“Hell yes,” Kelsey answered without hesitation. “Where did that come from?”
“What do you mean, ‘Hell yes’?” Jenny demanded, taken aback.
“I mean you’re as distant as can be. I never know where you are. You’ve always been that way.” Kelsey shrugged, taking the rest of Jenny’s abandoned bar and popping it into her mouth. “You’ve been like that ever since I can remember. It’s a part of you; nothing you can do about it.”
“Are you saying you think I’m stuck-up?”
“No, just that you’re very wrapped up in your own little Jenny Land. You’re reserved, you know that.”
“Drake … he called me cold-hearted and incapable of love. But I thought I was giving him enough. He didn’t see it that way. If he missed it, then does everyone else?”
“I know you’re trying, Jenny. It’s obvious. Drake didn’t understand how you are. He wanted more from you.” Kelsey laid a reassuring hand on Jenny’s arm, giving it a friendly squeeze. “You’re hard to get close to, it’s true. To be honest, it wasn’t until Masters appeared that I realized you were capable of more. I thought maybe something was wrong with me, since you never got close to me.”
Jenny’s eyes widened. “Kelsey, no, I love you.” Did everyone in her life think they didn’t matter to her? “It’s this stupid thing in my head, keeping me from everyone. I never wanted to be a burden to you—to be an annoyance. So I kept to myself.”
Kelsey looked at her incredulously. “Wessler, your friends are the people you’re supposed to burden with that stuff. That’s why you have friends, so you don’t have to go through anything alone. I guess you’ve always had Chance, though—why didn’t you ever tell me about him? I’ve been scrambling for months now trying to figure out if I was just some giant joke to you.” Kelsey placed her chin in her hand, looking at Jenny expectantly.
Jenny felt a newfound appreciation for her friend. How could Kelsey stick by her when, by the sound of it, Jenny was unresponsive to everything? What kind of strength and determination did that take?
“It’s complicated,” she said. She couldn’t tell Kelsey the truth, could she?
Well, why can’t I? It’s just as much my secret to share as Chance’s. If Kelsey blew up and got mad at her for it, then she deserved it anyway.
“Actually,” Jenny continued, “no, it’s not. I didn’t tell you about Chance before this year because we made it all up. Every single memory was a lie. He’s as new to me as he is to you.”
Kelsey stared at her blankly, blinking in silence. “Why a lie?”
“It was for our class assignment.”
Kelsey burst out laughing, shocking Jenny.
“Are you serious?” she wheezed. “It was all a lie. I can’t believe this!”
Jenny didn’t see what was so funny. “Kelse—”
“I was worried over nothing!” Kelsey giggled, reaching out to place her hands on Jenny’s shoulders. “You made a new friend! I thought you were hiding something, that you were never as bad as I thought, but that’s not true. You’re just getting better in your own weird little way. Jenny, you made a new friend!” Her eyes went wide then, realization dawning. “Jenny, you and Chance are close, right?”
Jenny was afraid her friend was having some kind of breakdown.
“Yes—”
“You love him, right? He’s your bestie?”
“Yes, but Kelsey—”
“And he knows this? He knows you love him?”
“I’m pretty sure, but what does that have to—”
“Then it’s not you, Jenny. It’s not you. Both Chance and I—your new friend and your old friend—are aware of how much you care and how hard you’re trying. You’re not really cold and distant to us. We know. Which means that the problem isn’t you, it’s Drake. It’s not you.”
Appreciation flooding her, Jenny stared openmouthed at her friend. She flung herself from her chair and threw her arms around Kelsey’s neck, sending them both tumbling to the ground.
“I love you!”
“Always forever.”
Jenny nodded. “Near and far.”
“Closer together.” Kelsey laughed, pushing Jenny to arm’s length and looking into her eyes. “I must know you, Jenny. How else would I know you’d get my sucky nineties song references?”
A prim ahem sobered both girls immediately. They looked up to find Beverly standing over them, arms crossed and pink lips pressed into a thin line.
“Are you two done? We still have lemon bars to sell.”
“Nobody wants your lemon bars, Mother. Everyone here is selling them.” Kelsey stood, brushing dirt off her jeans. “We fell out of our chairs; you know how it is.”
“I think you’re right.” Beverly reached out and picked up a bar. She examined it before taking a bite. “We might as well pack up.”
“Look at you, Mom, breaking the rules and eating your own merchandise.”
“It’s not like you two haven’t been eating them, too.”
“We haven’t. Right, Jenny?”
“Not a single one,” Jenny swore. She held up her right hand. “Scout’s Honor.”
It was clear that Beverly didn’t believe them. “Well, eat some more. I want it to at least look like we outsold Linda Mae.”
The rest of the bake sale passed uneventfully, with Linda Mae obviously earning the most money. Beverly fumed the entire meeting, while everyone rushed around gushing about how amazing the lemonade had been. Kelsey and Jenny snuck away once the cleanup started, giggling the entire run to the parking lot.
“Mom and I are going to have to start planning the next fund-raiser immediately. We’ll beat that Linda Mae yet,” Kelsey laughed, sliding into the driver’s seat.
Jenny chuckled, buckling her seat belt. She hadn’t felt this good in forever. “You have to keep that Linda Mae from usurping your mom’s PTA power.”
The car roared to life as the girls quieted down. “You gonna be okay now, Wessler?”
Jenny didn’t know the answer to that question. “I have no idea.”
Kelsey studied her quietly for a moment. “Have you finished crying about Drake yet?”
Jenny focused on the frog keychain that dangled from the rearview mirror, swinging like a pendulum. “Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
Jenny looked at her. “Yeah. It’s not even a good song, is it?” There was only so long they could avoid the topic at hand. “Sure, it’s catchy. It draws heavily on that pop-punk I-don’t-need-you-or-this-town mentality, but it’s not good. It’s not going to go viral or anything.”
Kelsey glanced at Jenny before gluing her eyes back to the steering wheel. “I mean, do you even miss him?”
“Shouldn’t I? We broke up, and I—” She couldn’t say out loud that she’d loved him. It felt wrong.
“Are you upset because he broke up with you or because of the way he broke up with you?” Kelsey tore her gaze away from the parking lot, briefly meeting Jenny’s eyes. She was oddly serious about this.
The way he’d done it was horrible, no question. And the aftermath was even worse. It was true that she couldn’t separate the two in her mind. But wou
ld she be happy if they were back together? Or if they’d never broken up at all? She looked down at her hands in her lap, wondering if maybe she had always been going through the motions. “Can’t it be both?” Jenny asked hopefully.
Kelsey shook her head, just once, and sighed. “I don’t think so, Wessler, not this time.”
CHAPTER 30
Chance
Chance heard the door open behind him, quiet footsteps making their way toward him.
“Don’t,” he said before Levi could say a word. “I don’t want to talk about this, not with you.” You, who I’m holding back.
“Then we won’t talk.” Levi leaned against the railing, searching his pockets. He produced a pack of cigarettes. They were Marlboro Reds, just like when he was younger.
“I didn’t know you still smoked,” Chance said, watching as his brother shook one out and placed it between his lips.
“Barely.” Levi brought a lighter to his lips and lit it, taking a drag. “Anna hates it so I’ve cut down considerably. When we first met, I chain-smoked like a madman. I still find it comforting.”
“In about twenty years, the cancer won’t be comforting.”
Levi just looked at him.
“What do you want?” Chance asked, turning away. “I came out here to be alone.”
“I know. Anna made me follow you,” Levi said, exhaling, the smoky tendrils twisting toward the sky.
Of course he didn’t do it on his own.
“You know everything isn’t half as complicated as you’re making it out to be, right?” Levi went on, staring out into the backyard as well. “You’re seventeen years old, so you’re a ball of anger and hormones, but I swear things calm down when you’re older.”
“You’re only twenty-three,” Chance pointed out.
Levi shook his head, letting out a noise of frustration. “That’s right. I’m practically still a kid myself, Chance. I’m just a selfish kid.”
“Right, so I don’t really want to take your life advice.”
He saw the words hit home, saw the way Levi’s eye twitched at his tone.
“I’m trying the best I can.”
“I know.” Chance could give him that much.
“I want to say that I’m sorry,” Levi began, resting his hands on the deck railing. “I also want to say that I’m the worst brother in the world. I know that I left you here. I wanted out, Chance. I couldn’t stay here anymore. All my friends were suddenly talking about college and I thought, ‘Hey, there’s an idea I never considered before. I can use it as an escape.’”
Chance looked at him, taking in how old he looked. Levi had always seemed so much bigger to Chance—larger than life, almost. But now, standing side by side, Chance was nearly as tall as he was. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? Why did you just … disappear?”
“You know our parents. They wouldn’t have let me go. They would’ve thought me doing anything with my life—anything other than sitting in my room and being their chew toy—was a huge fucking inconvenience to them. They weren’t going to stop being horrible, so I had to be the one to do something about it. So I did. I left, and let me tell you, it felt amazing.” He ashed his cigarette, looking out into the backyard. “And once I was gone, I couldn’t bring myself to ever come back.”
Chance flinched. “I’m glad leaving me behind was so amazing for you.”
His brother sighed, turning to look at him. “Chance, it wasn’t about you. I was so focused on getting out that I never once stopped to consider that I was sentencing you to the same thing I was running from.”
“And then you dropped out.” It was surreal. He had wanted to have this conversation for forever, but now that it was going on he just wanted out of it. I don’t really want to know, he thought.
“No, I did not freaking drop out. I’m taking a break, all right? I’ve never had so much freedom before. I can do whatever I want, Chance. So I want to muck around a bit and see what’s out there before I go back to school. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He let out a humorless laugh. “I was a shitty brother; I get that. It was dumb for me to expect I could come back and start over with you.”
“Do you want to start over?” Chance asked, hopeful despite himself. “I never thought you cared.”
“Of course I cared!” Levi snuffed the rest of his cigarette out on the railing. He looked at it, all crumpled and broken, before flicking it out into the yard. “When you called me, I was ashamed that I had left you in the first place. How could I do that to you? How could I be so like them?”
Chance had never seen his brother unsure—never seen him waver in anything before. It was surreal to hear about his regrets.
“You’re not like them,” he said quietly, looking down at the unfinished railing below his hands.
His brother shook his head. “Yes, I am. You needed me and I wasn’t there. I bailed, just like they did.”
“There’s a difference, though,” Chance said, finally looking up at him.
“I don’t think so.”
“But, Levi, you came back.”
That brought his brother up short. Levi recovered swiftly. “I still left you with them.”
“Yeah, and I really needed you. But you still came back when I called.”
“I know you needed me.” Levi rested a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I should have been there, but I can’t change the past. But listen to me: Everything isn’t cut and dried, okay? There’s always a third option. I thought it was either run off and be free or stay and be miserable, but that’s not true.”
Chance paused. He had never considered that there was a possibility that Levi and he could make up and get out together. “What exactly are you saying?”
“Anna’s roommate is moving out at the end of term, and I’m looking for better employment. I’m going to move in with her. There’s an extra room, Chance. It’s yours if you want it.”
Anna popped her head out of the door then, her dark eyes curious. “Is everything okay now?”
The brothers looked at each other, a silent moment passing between them.
“I think so,” Levi said at last, before turning to his girlfriend. “I asked Chance to move in with us.”
Anna’s eyes lit up. “Really?” she asked.
“I haven’t decided yet,” answered Chance.
“I’d love to have you. It’s not only your brother who wants you there,” she assured him, moving to stand between the two brothers.
“I’ll think about it,” Chance told them. “I promise I will.”
So it wasn’t all his fault. He wasn’t holding Levi back, Levi was pulling him forward. It’s nice to have a third option, he thought as he watched Anna and Levi talk excitedly about their apartment. If only everything worked out so well.
CHAPTER 31
Jenny
Jenny thought about what Kelsey had said all night. She had liked Drake, really—hadn’t she? But she had never loved him. Maybe she could’ve grown to, but he’d cut it off all too soon for that. She wasn’t mourning their relationship. It was the attention and the rumors that were eating away at her. If he had just broken up with her in private, over the phone or something, she would’ve been fine. But not like this.
She thought about it as she walked into school the next day. It was as she was walking through the cafeteria that someone started playing the stupid song. That stupid catchy vindictive song. She stood there, fuming. Anger coursed through her, hot and thick, burning its way through her veins.
She had finally had enough. She wasn’t going to wait for Drake to disappear and for things to go back to normal. She wasn’t going to let him continue to walk around hurting and humiliating her. She was going to march right up to him and demand answers, demand an apology. She deserved at least that much.
He wasn’t in the cafeteria, though she looked everywhere. She wormed past groups of people giving her dirty looks, ignoring them completely. Nothing was going to distract her. She scanned the crowds, looki
ng for the boy who was a head taller than everyone else. She was practically dizzy from looking when she spotted Emelia sitting at a table by herself. Jenny ran toward her, slamming her hands down on the table when she got there.
Emelia looked up, started, her long hair in her eyes. “Jenny?”
“Where’s Drake?” Jenny demanded, unconcerned about how crazy she sounded. “Have you seen him?”
Emelia looked around, confused. “Err, I think I saw him heading toward the library?”
Jenny was off like a rocket, flying out of the cafeteria and down the hallway. She didn’t even slow down as she raced past the principal’s office, the doors to the library in her sights. She burst through the doors, every head turning to look at her.
It was as she was walking past the computer desks that Max Gregs decided to open up his big mouth.
“Look, it’s the cold-hearted queen,” he sneered to his buddies.
Jenny paused, her heart pounding. Normally, she would slink away, head down and face red, but not today. Not right now. “Excuse me?” she asked. “What did you say?”
It was clear that they hadn’t expected her to react. The other boys looked away, turning back to their computers as if they hadn’t spoken.
“If you’re looking for someone new, I would love a little freak like you.”
Jenny’s back went rigid, her hands shaking.
Before she could even get a word out, Drake appeared from across the library and grabbed Max by the collar of his shirt.
“What did you just call her?” he hissed into the guy’s face, fire in his eyes.
“Nothing, I’m sorry!” Max squealed, working his way out of Drake’s grip. He ran from the library faster than Jenny thought someone that beefy was capable of.
“I don’t need you to defend me,” Jenny snapped. She found her bravado slipping now that she was face-to-face with him. A wave of tiredness washed over her, engulfing her, the nerves from what just happened finally catching up to her. She sank down into one of the computer chairs. “Not after everything.”
“No, I suppose you don’t.” He settled into the chair next to her, his hands on the table. “I guess I overreacted.”
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