by Hamel, B. B.
“I get it, you’re an asshole. You don’t need anybody but yourself. You just don’t have to be so fucking stupid about it.”
He glares at me. “Stupid? You think I’m being stupid?”
“And selfish. You’re not teaching anyone anything. You’re just mean.”
He barks a bitter laugh. “Mean? You have no clue what mean is, Melody. I’m trying to make you doctors, damn it. Every single person in this hospital is my responsibility, and if you all screw up, it’s my fault.”
“No, it isn’t.”
He takes a breath and lets it out. “Yes, it is.”
“No. And you know what? I don’t care if you disagree. You can go to hell.”
I turn on my heel and stalk off. I’m so pissed at him I can barely stand it.
But there’s a voice in the back of my mind that understands what he’s going through. The weight of this place must be crushing sometimes for him. I mean, it’s hard on all of us, and we’re not even full residents yet. The decisions we make are tiny compared to what he has to go through, including teaching us.
But I don’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want to be mad at him right now. I’m pregnant with his baby and he has no clue and he’s doing nothing about it. I’m irrationally pissed and I know it. I just don’t care.
And he does owe me something, even if he says he doesn’t.
He owes me some damn respect.
8
Gavin
My fight with Melody bothers me way more than I thought it would, and for the rest of the day, I try not to go too hard on the interns.
I avoid Melody though. She has way more power over my emotions than I thought was possible and that I’m comfortable with, and I need to get myself under control.
She was right about one thing, though. I was taking my bad mood out on the interns, and I shouldn’t have. The night before, one of my patients, a woman named Kelsey, took a turn for the worse. I didn’t get back into the hospital in time to do anything, and she passed away.
It’s not the first time I’ve lost a patient. It won’t be the last. But every time I take it hard, every single time I wonder if there’s something I could’ve done better, something I could’ve done differently. Anything that could’ve saved her life.
I’ll never know. And that uncertainty haunts me every single day. It drives me to be a better doctor, but sometimes it eats at me. I was going through a day like that when I snapped at Michael, and Melody was right to be pissed about it.
I can see that, but I can’t bring myself to apologize. Because I’m not wrong to want to push these interns, to make them stronger and harder and better. They’ll save lives or they’ll lose them, just like me, and I want them to be ready for it all.
The next day, I decide to give them all a little break. I keep questions light and simple as we make our rounds.
After the lunch break, we have a simple blood draw, something a nurse would normally do. But I decide to let one of the students handle this one.
“Melody,” I say, stopping outside of the patient’s room. “You’re up.”
She nods and steps forward. “What’s the procedure?”
“Simple blood draw,” I say. I note the disappointment on her face.
“Okay,” she says.
I smirk at her and lead her into the room. The other interns stay outside and I shut the door behind us.
The man lying on the bed is a regular here in the hospital. He’s in his late sixties, heavyset, white hair, wrinkled face, hard eyes. He’s suffering from any number of things at any given time, a combination of being an alcoholic his whole life plus smoking since he was a little kid.
Barry Blonde smiles at the two of us.
“Thought it might be you, doc,” he says. “Who’s the chick?”
“This is Dr. Wilson,” I say, indicating Melody. “She’s a student right now. She’ll be taking your blood.”
Barry grunts. “Student, huh? Gonna stick me with a needle?”
“That’s right, Mr. Blonde,” Melody says.
“Call me Barry,” he grunts at her. “Hell, you’d better get used to seeing me, girl. I’m hard to kill but god damn, does the world try.”
I grin at that despite myself. Barry is notorious in this hospital for a few reasons. He’s got a great sense of humor about his life and refuses to change, but he’s also something of a tough old dog. He’s happy and charming most of the time, but every once in a while, he can turn nasty. Which is why I’m here, to make sure that nasty turn doesn’t go too far.
Melody gets everything she needs prepped and put in place. Barry watches her closely as she works.
“You sure this one’s okay, doc?” he asks me. “She looks young.”
“I’m young,” I point out. “We’re basically the same age.”
He grunts. “But you’re a…”
“I’m a what?” I raise an eyebrow at him.
Barry groans. “You think this is a gender thing?” He shakes his head. “I don’t give a shit what’s between your legs, so long as you’re good. But she’s a damn student, doc. And I hate needles.”
“You get needles like twice a week,” I point out.
“Not because I want them.”
“Come on, Barry. You’re that big of a baby?”
He eyes Melody as she sits down next to his bed, needle ready. “You know what you’re doing, kid?”
“It’s easy,” she says. “Just relax.”
He sighs, gives me a look, and holds out his arm.
Melody is quick and professional. She ties off the arm and looks for a vein, needle ready. Barry watches closely as she finds one and presses against his skin. He jerks his arm just before she sinks it in.
“Fucking shit,” he grunts. “What the fuck?”
“Hold still, please,” she says as Barry jerks his arm again. “I missed because you moved.”
“You missed because I moved?”
I wince a little bit. “Barry,” I say.
He looks at me, his expression outraged. “She blamed me, doc. She blamed me.”
“You moved,” I point out.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Blonde,” she says. “But I really do know what I’m doing.”
He moves away from her. “Oh, hell no, no, you don’t. I’m not letting you stick me again.”
“Barry,” I say.
“Look, doc, this kid’s an idiot. She missed and blames me! Can you seriously believe that? The bitch is stupid, doc.”
Melody looks shocked. My face goes hard and I walk to the end of his bed, grabbing one of his feet, pressing my fingers against a pressure point there. Barry groans suddenly, trying to twitch away, but I hold him tight.
“Did you just call my student a bitch, Barry?” I ask him softly.
“Fuck, doc, what are you doing?”
“Did you or didn’t you?”
“I did, shit, I did, but I didn’t mean it, right?”
I press harder. “Apologize to her,” I say.
He groans. “Oh, fuck, okay, okay. I’m sorry, kid, okay? I’m sorry. I was just angry, is all.”
I release his pressure point and he sighs with relief. “Jesus, doc, you’re insane.”
Melody looks at me, pure horror in her eyes, and it slowly dawns on me what I’ve just done.
I just hurt a patient.
There are a lot of lines doctors shouldn’t cross. We shouldn’t lie or cheat or fuck each other. We shouldn’t overbill or otherwise screw insurance for extra money. But most doctors do all that stuff.
Pretty much none of them would ever hurt a patient. Even if that patient deserved it.
I don’t let my terror over what I’d just done show on my face. “Melody,” I say woodenly. “Blood.”
Barry’s a little easier on her this time. She manages to draw his blood with minimal fuss and we get the hell out of there.
“Take a break,” I say to the other interns as we leave the room. Melody follows me wordlessly and I can feel t
heir eyes on us as we hurry away.
“Gavin,” she says to me once we’re alone. “What did you just do?”
“I might’ve just gotten myself fired,” I say, leaning up against a wall and rubbing my eyes. “Fuck, that was stupid.”
“He could sue you.”
“I hope that’s all he does.”
“Gavin…” She trails off as I look at her.
“Fuck, Melody,” I say. “You see, right? Why we don’t get involved? I barely hurt the guy, but what if I had done something worse?”
“You stood up for me,” she says. “He was an asshole.”
“Yeah, but I knew he was an asshole before we went in,” I say. “I knew he might do something like that. And when he did it, I just…”
“You stood up for me,” she repeats.
I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Yeah,” I say finally. “I stood up for you.”
“You’ve never done that before. I mean, other patients have been rude.”
“Not like that.”
“No,” she says softly. “Not like that.”
We stare at each other and I want to kiss her so fucking badly it hurts. But we’re in the middle of a busy part of the hospital and I can’t take that risk. I’ve risked enough today as it is.
“Yesterday, you said you don’t owe me anything,” she says softly. “Why were you in such a bad mood?”
I sigh and look down at the floor. “Lost a patient the night before,” I say to her. “I’d been up all night, and I guess… I wasn’t fit to be around you guys yesterday. I was angry with myself and taking it out on you, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry I did that.”
She lets out a breath like there’s a weight being released from her chest. “I’m sorry,” she says.
“Yeah, well, it happens. It’ll happen to you and I hope you handle it better than I did.”
She stands next to me against the wall and we don’t move from there for a little while. We just stand together, watching the flow of people, and I wonder what they’re thinking.
So many people come through this place. So many different lives, each of them real and vivid. Some of them never leave this place, but a lot of them do, and we only touch them briefly. But it’s so important, what we do, it leaves a lasting mark no matter what happens.
“It’s a hard job,” I say softly.
“I know,” she says.
“Not just the procedures and all that. But the people. The other doctors. It’s life and death and… It’s a hard job.”
She nods. “I know,” she says again.
And we stay silent for a little longer.
I know what the other doctors see when they walk past. They’re seeing a resident and his intern, both of them frowning. They see two people that probably just lost a patient. They know the look, the feeling. Everyone in this place has felt this way at one point or another.
The only difference is, I’m not thinking about my patient. I’m thinking about the girl next to me, about how badly I want to kiss her, how badly I want to hold her. How I want it so badly, I’m willing to hurt a patient to get it.
God damn, I’m fucked up. I’m broken. I told her I don’t owe he anything, and maybe that’s true.
But I want to owe her something. I want to owe her a lot.
“Come on,” I say softly after a little longer. “You’d better get back.”
“What about you?”
“I’m going to hang here for a bit. I’ll meet you all outside the nurses’ station down the hall.”
“Okay,” she says, biting her lip. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m sure. I’ll talk to Barry later and see if I can’t smooth it over.”
“Okay,” she says. She goes to walk away but hesitates. “Thanks. I knew you weren’t a total bastard.”
I grin at her. “What a compliment.”
She grins back and leaves. I stand there alone, wondering what the fuck I’m going to do.
She’s such a distraction, such a delicious distraction. But god, I want her so badly it almost hurts. It makes me stupid. It makes me fuck up.
And I know I won’t stop.
9
Melody
It’s strange, seeing a side of Gavin that I never thought I’d see.
I know he’s an asshole, but I also know he means well. He cares about his patients so much and I see that every single day. I know why he’s hard on us, or at least I understand it.
But I never thought I’d see him act the way he did with Barry.
He was protective. He protected me from that asshole. I didn’t need him to, didn’t need his help, but…
God, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t like it.
Because I want him to want to protect me. I know it’s strange, I should be this self-confident doctor, right? I shouldn’t need some big muscular man to come and fight my battles. I’m not some damsel in distress. I’m a strong woman.
But still, whatever. There’s something in me that just loves a strong man that stands up for me.
It was stupid and risky and we still might get in trouble for it. At least, he might get in trouble, and I’ll do whatever I can to help him. But he did it for me and I can’t stop thinking about that.
The next day goes better. He’s not in a bad mood but he doesn’t go easy on us. Fortunately, we nail the questions and the procedures, and by the end of the day, he seems pretty content.
I corner him after the others have already left. “Did you hear anything about Barry?” I ask him softly.
He shrugs a little. We’re riding in the elevator, alone for the moment. “I talked to him.”
“What’d he say?”
“Said I should just fuck you already and get it over with.” He laughs a little. “He’s probably right.”
I roll my eyes. “What else? Is he going to sue?”
“I don’t think so,” he says, and I feel so relieved I can barely breathe. “I’ve been helping him for a while now. I think that’ll win out over his pride, fortunately.”
“Good,” I say. “Good. That’s good.”
He cocks his head at me, smirking. “Yeah. It’s good.”
We’re quiet as the elevator reaches the bottom floor.
“Come get a drink with me,” he says suddenly.
“Right now?”
“Right now. We’ll go over to Palette. I’m in the mood for some shitty whiskey.”
I laugh a little. “Okay. I can do that.”
“Good.”
We get off at the bottom floor and I follow him outside, moving in a haze. Maybe now’s the time to tell him about the baby. Maybe this is perfect. Get a drink in him so he’s loosened up and then…
I bite my lip. Shit. He’s going to want me to drink, too. He’s going to wonder why I’m not.
Well, whatever. If he says anything, I’ll just tell him the truth.
“Is it always like this?” I ask him as we head toward the bar. “Long days, constantly busy?”
“Yeah,” he says. “But it’s good, actually. Better than long days with nothing to do.”
“You’d think nothing to do is better. Nobody’s dying that way.”
He laughs. “People are always dying, Mel.”
“You’re so depressing.”
“I’m a doctor. You get used to it.”
We head into the bar and find seats toward the back. The bartender brings over a whiskey for him and I just ask for a club soda. He arches an eyebrow at me, but doesn’t say anything.
He sips his whiskey and sighs. “That’s good,” he says.
“I thought it was shitty.”
“It’s both.” He grins at me. “I’m curious. What would you do if you could do anything else?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I wanted to be a teacher when I was younger.”
“How’d you end up a doctor?”
“I liked House.”
He laughs at that. “Seriously? I was more into Scrubs.”
I make a face. “The comedy?”
“Oh, yeah. But it’s actually really good. Pretty realistic.”
“Huh. I didn’t know that.”
“But House, huh?”
“I know. It’s silly. I just liked the idea of being able to help people when nobody else could.”
He nods at that. “Yeah. I know the feeling. Fortunately, you don’t have to be House in order to do that. Just being a doctor means you can help.”
“I know. And I’m starting to realize just how stupidly unrealistic House actually is.”
“TV doctor shit is always silly,” he says softly. “They don’t show you all the boring shit we go through, day after day.”
“Except Scrubs.”
He grins. “Yeah. Except Scrubs.”
I watch him take another long drink. “What about you? If you could’ve been anything else?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I always liked math. Maybe I could’ve been a professional gambler.”
I laugh that that. “Really?”
“Sure. It’s all math, right? Probabilities and stuff. You play the odds enough over and over and eventually you come out ahead.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“But my parents would never have been proud of their professional gambler son.”
“That matters to you?”
He hesitates, swirling his glass a bit. “It used to,” he says finally. “They pushed me through school, kept me going. Now I don’t think I care about any of that, but back then…” He trails off.
“I know what you mean,” I say finally. “People want to be proud of their doctor, right? I mean, it’s a status thing.”
“Exactly. But I didn’t get into it for status.”
“Some of us did,” I say. “I mean, I didn’t, but I know people that did.”
“Me too. You can always tell those doctors. They’re the ones that love talking about being a doctor at parties and shit.”
I laugh softly at that. I know exactly what he means. The guys with the flashy cars and the white smiles that love to brag about whatever new procedure they’re mastering. For them, medicine is a status thing, not a calling.