3 Breaths

by LK Collins

  She nods her head and we proceed. Being back in the city feels different than I imagined. I thought when I came back here it was going to be harder than it is right now. But my insides are coursing with adrenaline. I need to fight badly.

  We walk down the alley where Ling’s usual guy is watching the back door, and I notice a NYPD cop car parked on the other side – that’s what Ling must’ve meant about them being on his payroll.

  “Where am I heading?” I ask one of Ling’s guys.

  “Down the stairs and to the left.”

  I grab Ivy’s hand as we enter and suddenly worry bringing her here was wrong – there’s no one to protect her while I fight and these guys get rowdy. As we walk down the stairs, I look for Ling or Bo, but neither is in sight. The safest bet is to get into the room and one of them will be in to check on things soon.

  The crowd is cheering and Ivy says, “God, it’s loud.”

  “These guys have a lot of money riding on these fights. I’ll get someone to watch out for you while I do my thing.”

  She squeezes my hand and we enter the room that has my name on it. This place is much cleaner than the room where I normally get ready. Thank God, or Ivy might have reconsidered coming.

  Unzipping my bag, I pull out what I need and look for a bathroom. Of course there isn’t one in here. I guess cleaner isn’t always better. Looking at Ivy with my stuff in my hand I say, “Wanna turn around?”

  She smiles and turns her back to me, “I’ve already seen what you work with,” she chuckles getting out her cell phone to keep busy while I change. I turn away too and as I adjust my junk under the cup, my cock is starting to grow.

  What the fuck? Not now.

  I close my eyes trying to think of anything else, but her sitting in here with me while I’m basically naked is making me hard. I pull my shorts up and turn around to catch her looking over her shoulder at me. “Were you staring at my ass again?” I ask.

  “No way. I was just…stretching my neck.” And she turns her head in the other direction.

  I smirk at her lie and sit on the bench next to her, pulling my tape from my bag. Placing a strip over my knuckles first, I begin to wrap them.

  “Is that all you use to protect them?”

  “Fights like this, yeah. The way I used to fight, we’d have thin gloves over our knuckles.” There is a knock on the door and Ling pops his head in.

  “Hey, man, you ready for this?”

  “You know it.”

  Ling looks at Ivy and I introduce her to him. “This is my friend, Ivy. Ivy, this is Ling; he puts these fights together.”

  “It’s nice to meet you,” she says and they shake hands.

  “Likewise. You’re up in five, you need anything?”

  “Nah, man, nothing for me. But I was wondering if you could have Bo watch over Ivy? I know the crowd gets pretty crazy.”

  “Yeah, for sure, I’ll get him now.”

  Ling leaves and I look Ivy in the eyes. My heart is pounding against the walls of my chest and not because I’m nervous to fight, but because I’m worried that something is going to happen to her.

  “You ready?” she asks.

  I nod my head and sling an arm over her shoulder. She hugs me back and as we sit here in one another’s hold, I breathe her in, her scent so familiar, yet so new.

  “You can stay in here, if you’d rather?” I ask her.

  “No way, I wanna see you fight.”

  I nod my head once and kiss her forehead, she holds me back tightly and I get up to stretch, knowing I don’t have much time. Suddenly, Bo opens the boor. “You’re up first,” he says and I look at him confused.

  “Why?”

  “Not sure, it was Ling’s call.”

  Asshole!

  I keep calm externally, because with Ivy here, I don’t want to start shit with any of these guys. “My grand bonus is yours Bo if you keep her very safe.” Grabbing her hand, I lead her out of the room. The crowd chants my name, which gets my blood boiling. Letting go of Ivy, I get myself hyped up as we round the corner and the enormous arena that this is all taking place in. “Don’t take your eyes off of her,” I tell Bo.

  “For sure, man. Get after it!”

  Walking out, the room erupts when I enter. The sound of stomping on the metal risers echoes and it brings me into my zone. I don’t give a fuck who’s in front of me. I haven’t lost a fight in years, so I sure as hell am not going to start now, especially with Ivy here.

  Looking back at Ivy as the ref checks me before I enter the cage, she looks happy. I wink at her and run up the stairs, doing some sprints across to get my blood flowing, then jump up and down as the Resolution makes his entrance. He’s about the same size as I am, maybe a little taller and he’s looking right at me.

  I keep my eyes locked, eager and ready…

  Then the bell dings and we size each other up. Boxing back and forth. He’s got a strong jaw. My hits don’t seem to do much to him, although he is slower than I am. We work each other like this for a few minutes and the crowd starts to get restless, booing.

  I worry for Ivy being stuck in the middle of it and look to see her watching me safely with Bo by her side, but my attention being diverted costs me a mistake and I’m caught with a right hook. Knowing that I can’t hang with his boxing all night, I take him to the ground, but he works his way on top of me.

  Lying underneath him, I try and block the hits that continue to connect with my face. Ivy’s screams are loud, then the bell rings and the round ends. Getting off of the floor, I spit a mouthful of blood at the Resolution as he walks away from me. Being taken to the ground and not having the advantage is not what I do. One of Ling’s guys sits me down and tries to clean me up, but I push him away. Only looking at my opponent before the next round gets the fire going inside of me.

  He looks at me and winks, like the cocky bastard that he is. With my chest heaving up and down, I stand waiting to annihilate him. Round two begins and with every ounce of strength inside me, I launch a back kick. Spinning hard and high, landing it on the side of his head, everything happens in slow motion. His head drops, shoulders slump, and his body falls to the ground like a ton of bricks. My signature move worked.

  Quickly, I get on top of him to do as much damage as I can, before the ref calls the fight, but the kick knocked him out cold so before I can enjoy a few more hits, the ref pulls me away. Getting to my feet, I look at Ivy as my hand is held high in the air. She is jumping up and down screaming.

  Walking out of the cage, she runs to me and hugs me hard. With her in my arms, it takes me back to when Zoë would be so excited for me after a fight. She’d have that same look on her face. But knowing that Zoë can’t share in this victory resonates inside of me. I squeeze Ivy back, kissing the top of her soft brown hair. Zoë might not be here in person, but she was shining down on me for this one.

  Moving my body to adjust myself a little, I am sore as fuck. As I open my eyes, I look at the ceiling and bring in the room. I’m on my couch, like usual, but I’m sitting up. The tightness of my skin tells me my face is fucked up.

  Fuck, I gotta piss.

  I attempt to get up, but I am stopped dead in my tracks. Ivy is sleeping peacefully on my lap. She is still wearing her clothes from yesterday and I rack my brain to remind myself of what happened to wake up like this. I remember the fight, and then she brought me home, and we must’ve fallen asleep talking, ’cause that’s the last thing I remember.

  Looking down at her lying so beautifully, I can’t help but touch her face, running the backs of my knuckles down her cheek. We’ve both been through so much, and it makes me happy to see her at peace like this. She stirs a little, so I stop touching her, fearing that I will wake her up, and sure enough, it does. Her tired eyes open so innocently.

  “Hey,” I say to her with a smile on my face.

  “Morning. What time is it?” she asks.

  “Not sure, it’s light out though.”

  She blinks a few times and lo
oks out my balcony window. However, she is not quick to sit up. I don’t know what is going on between the two of us, but I’m enjoying being around her right now. She looks up at me again and says, “Oh God, Krane, we really need to get some ice on your face.”

  “Nah, I’ll be fine. But I do have to piss, if you’d let me up.”

  “Yeah, sorry,” she says and suddenly sits up.

  “Don’t be.” I take my thumb and forefinger to her chin, bringing her eyes to meet mine. She looks at me with uncertainty and I run my thumb over her bottom lip, before walking off and into the bathroom.

  Christ, my face is really fucked up.

  Staring at my reflection in the mirror, anger boils inside of me. There is no reason that I should’ve let this happen. Had I listened to my gut and taken the Resolution to the ground right off the bat, I could’ve ended things with him landing just a few hits on me. But I also have to admit it was Ivy’s pull on me last night that got my face into this situation. What the fuck is up with me? “I’m gonna shower,” I yell out to Ivy, “Feel free to make some coffee if you want.”

  “Okay.”

  Turning the water on, I shed my clothes and then get right in. The water is only lukewarm and it sends a shiver down my spine. Quickly it heats up and once it’s hot, I hold my breath sticking my face underneath it. I let it burn every cut and abrasion so it can wash away all the dried blood and maybe clear my swirling mind. Resting my hands on the wall in front of me, I tilt my head down and take a deep breath. The water running down the drain is pink. I wait for it to be clear and know then that at least the stinging will stop, even if my head can’t get right.

  “Krane?” Ivy calls out knocking on the door.

  “Yeah.”

  “Can I come in and pee?”

  I smile to myself, imagining her in here with me, then push the thoughts away. “Of course.”

  “Thanks,” she says now more clearly, her voice is no longer muffled as if she’s in the hall.

  “Sorry, I forgot to ask you if you needed to go.”

  “It’s okay.” Then she is silent and I grab the soap, wondering if she’ll say anything else. I begin to wash myself and it stays silent. There are no noises at all and I ask her, “Stage fright?”

  “A little, can you talk or something so it’s not so quiet.”

  I chuckle at her comment, “You know, Ivy, everyone pisses and everyone—”

  “All right, all right,” she cuts me off. “I know what everyone does, but I’ve never gone with a guy in the room.”

  I stick my head around the shower curtain, with my eyes wide, not really able to believe her. “Are you kidding me?”

  “Krane!” she scolds me.

  “Sorry.” I go back to my shower, but the image of her sitting so properly with her shorts barely pulled down, stays comfortably in my mind. The room is yet again silent, so I decide to sing to help her along. She giggles at my horrible voice and very bad rendition, but it works. I hear the toilet flush just as I’m finished with my shower.

  Drying off, I look over my face and the damage that was done. It’ll be bad for Mia’s wedding, but there really isn’t a thing that I can do about it now.

  I get dressed in a pair of sweatpants and find Ivy lost in my kitchen as I head to the laundry room, looking for a t-shirt. “Where are the coffee filters?” she asks.

  I pull open the drawer they are in. “Don’t ask me why I keep them in here, I just do.” She laughs as I hand her one and I notice her staring at my body. I smirk and kiss her on the forehead before continuing into the laundry room.

  “Do you want me to make some eggs or something?” she asks.

  “Fuck yeah, girl,” I reply and pull a thin white t-shirt over my head.

  “Here, keep this on your face,” she tosses me an ice pack. “I think the hot water from your shower made the swelling worse.” I press the ice to the right side of my face, where most of the damage is and realize how much Ivy has sacrificed for me.

  She’s always there, pulling my ass out of the fucked up rut that is my life, and then when I need her advice, she not only gives it to me, but she spends the day and night with me, getting me reconnected to friends, and going above and beyond to show she’s in my corner.

  Watching her in the kitchen, I realize that when I’m around her, all the bad shit from the past sort of vanishes. All of my thoughts and pain are so much less, making my life somewhat tolerable. “Thank you for everything, especially for yesterday, it was nice to have you at the fight.”

  “It was good to be there,” she tells me, pushing her hair behind her ear.

  My phone rings, interrupting us. I find it charged on the counter behind me and I know Ivy plugged it in. My sister’s calling. “Good morning, Mia,” I answer.

  “Whoa, you sound chipper today.”

  “That’s nice of you to say, but really I’m just extremely happy you called,” I tease her.

  “Spare me, Krane. I know you better than that.”

  “Fine, you got me,” I say in a little more somber tone.

  “There’s my baby brother.”

  “What the fuck can you need this early in the morning?” I ask. She’s agitating me already.

  “Well, you haven’t booked your room for the wedding this weekend and I was wondering where you were planning on staying?”

  “I was gonna stay in yours, isn’t that cool with you?”

  “Ha,” she laughs out loud. “The fuck you will. I’m going to book a room for you. It’ll be my present to you for being the best man. Although I’m still not sure why Wayne picked you since you haven’t done shit for him.”

  “What was that?” I ask, now pissed off at her.

  “Nothing, I’ll email you the details.”

  “You do that, Mia.” I hang up annoyed by her comment and toss my phone aside.

  “She piss you off?” Ivy asks me.

  “Yup, her wedding is this weekend and she’s just calling to bust my balls, being stupid as always. Fucking women sometimes, you know?”

  “Hey,” Ivy exclaims.

  “Damn, I’m sorry.”

  She glares at me opening the cabinet. “Plates?” she asks.

  I open another drawer and hand her a few paper ones. “Why do you keep everything in drawers?”

  “I don’t know, I just throw shit where it’ll fit.” She serves our eggs and I pour us each a cup of coffee. She adds sugar to hers and I drink mine black.

  “Wanna eat outside?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that.”

  We take our food out to the patio and sit down looking at each other for a brief moment. Ivy has an uncertain look in her eye and then asks me, “What are we doing here, Krane?”

  Taking a bite I respond, “Uhh, eating.”

  “I know that! I mean with us?”

  I look her in the eye, contemplating how to answer her. Why is she doing this right now? Cocking my head to the side as I speak, I do my best to stay calm. “Ivy, you mean a lot to me, probably more than you realize, but I don’t know how to answer your question. Most of the time I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. If what I’m giving you right now isn’t enough, I’m really sorry, but each breath is still a struggle for me.”

  “And you think it’s not for me?”

  “I know it is. I’m trying here, Ivy.”

  “Are you?” she jibes back.

  I glare at her, caught off guard by her sudden animosity. “Of course I am.”

  “Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it anymore,” she says with tears in her eyes.

  “Why would you say that? I think things have been great.” I hate to see her upset like this.

  “I don’t know, lately things feel different. That’s why I wanted to know what we we’re doing.”

  “I told you, eating.”

  “This isn’t a fucking joke, Krane. You can’t even answer a simple question.”

  “Ivy, you’re running with expectations for us, and I’m not sure why. I mean, I didn’t ask
you to drive me to Logan’s party, or to my fight, or to stay the night with me last night. That was all you.”

  She blinks a few times, obviously hurt by my words and sets her fork down.

  Fuck!

  “I’m sorry,” I say, trying to repair some of the damage.

  She gets up from the table with tears in her eyes and says, “I gotta get going.” The thought of her leaving panics me and I grab her hand, trying to make this right. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I enjoy being around you, I really do. You keep my mind busy, but to have expectations on things right now, that’s just not something I can handle.”

  “Clearly, we have different feelings on things.”

  A stray tear rolls down her cheek and I watch it fall, speechless. I need to make this right, but something inside won’t let me. She’s more than likely better off without me, just like everyone else is. I mean, I can’t even be a good friend to her, or take things serious when I need to. I don’t make her a better person, I only bring her down and that’s because I’m fucking miserable. It’s the last thing that I want to do, especially to her.

  She can pull out of this, I know she can and she will…but I can’t.

  As I come back from my internal mindfuck, she’s gone. I run my hands through my hair, wondering where did it all go so wrong?

  Sitting alone and sober for the first time in a week, I’m lost. I haven’t talked to Ivy. I know I hurt her, she won’t respond to my texts or calls, which I can’t blame her. However, with Mia’s wedding imminent, I wish now more than ever that I had Ivy to lean on.

  The dryer buzzes and I grab the last few clothing items I need before I hit the road. Taking my phone and charger, I see a text from my sister. Will you make sure that you clean yourself up before the wedding?

  What the fuck does that mean? Placing my phone into my pocket, I walk to the bathroom and look at my worn-out reflection in the mirror. My hair is long and shaggy, way overdue for a haircut, which Zoë used to cut for me. And my face is still fucked up from the fight, all scabbed and bruised. If I show up to the wedding looking like this, my entire family will have a fucking fit. So I grab the clippers from under the sink and plug them in. They buzz and vibrate in my hand. As I look down at them, I can still picture Zoë holding them when she would meticulously cut my hair. Fuck, sometimes it hurts to do the simplest of things.