‘Yep. Sorry there’s, um, nowhere to sit.’
I sit down tentatively on the edge of the bed. ‘It’s really boring, I know. Freya keeps offering to decorate it for me, but I don’t see the point, it’s so small.’
‘It’s nice,’ Dan lies, looking around.
I wish I had one of those beds that folds down from the wall, so there could be a clear line between not bed and bed. We could sit and talk and maybe watch a film and then if we decided we wanted to have sex… ta-da! Bed! A film does seem like a good idea though. Better than just contemplating the bed.
‘Do you want to watch a film or something?’ I ask. ‘Not horror.’
He sits next to me, smiling. ‘Or something.’
Oh. Ta-da!
‘Not if you don’t—’ he says, instantly.
‘No, I do.’ I don’t. ‘We can. But can I just ask you about something first?’
First. Yikes. First I ask you the thing and then we have the sex. Probably.
He turns ninety degrees so he’s looking at me. ‘Course.’
And the thing is, he means it. He’s happy to wait. To listen to whatever it is I want to talk about. And while that shouldn’t seem like that big a deal, it sort of feels like it is. I wanted security and safety. The dream promised me security and safety. And I feel incredibly safe with Dan. He reminds me of Tom. And I really don’t want to be thinking about Tom when I’m about to have sex. (Probably.)
I tell him everything I know about Tom’s business and what Matt’s told me.
‘And you’re worried that you could be implicated?’ he says, when I’ve finished.
‘Um. A bit? But mostly I’m worried about what’s going to happen to Tom. I mean, he’s been building that business for years – it’s like his baby – and… I mean, I don’t know where the Revenue have got their information from… Could someone report something like this maliciously? Like a business rival?’
He frowns. ‘From what you’ve told me, it sounds like it’s gone past that point. Something like that would come out in preliminary investigations, I think.’
‘So you think there’s actually something there? Something wrong?’
He stretches his shoulders back and I hear his neck crack. ‘I couldn’t say without actually looking into it. But I can definitely have a look at Companies House – their accounts, tax returns, that sort of thing. And I’ll see if I know anyone who’s working on it.’
‘That would be great. Thank you.’
‘Are you still working for him?’
I shake my head. ‘I haven’t done anything since Matt told me what was happening. But I was until a couple of weeks ago, yeah.’
‘OK, so the first thing I’d say is to double-check all your work, to make sure there are no errors there. It’s bookkeeping you do, right?’
I nod.
‘So if you’ve maybe got a bit… generous about allowances – including things you know really shouldn’t be included, that sort of thing – now’s the time to sort that. Unless they’ve already been submitted. And it’s too late.’
‘I was part way through a report,’ I say, trying to think of the receipts Tom had sent me and when I’d stopped checking them against the Revenue website. Basically, if Tom sends me receipts, I include them. I’ve never questioned anything.
‘So have a look back over that,’ Dan says. ‘And I’ll see what I can find out. OK?’
‘OK,’ I say.
There’s a knot in my stomach. What if Tom really has done something that’s going to get him into trouble? Not on purpose – I know he would never do that – but what if he’s missed something or just cocked up in some way, he’d be—
Dan picks my hand up off the duvet and threads his fingers between mine.
Oh.
‘Try not to worry,’ he says. ‘It’s probably a misunderstanding.’
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘That wasn’t sexy.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he says, dropping his forehead down onto my shoulder. ‘Accountancy chat gets me hot.’
I laugh – I remember thinking exactly that the first time I met him – and turn slightly towards him.
‘It’s embarrassing at work sometimes. Show me a well-balanced column and I’m anyone’s.’
‘Anyone’s?’ I say, as his lips graze my neck.
‘Just yours right now.’
I turn and brush my lips across his cheek. It’s stubbly and warm and he smells really good. He tips his head up so his lips meet mine and I sink into the kiss. I’m on my bed. Kissing Dan. I’m kissing Dan on my bed. I really need to get my brain to shut the fuck up this time.
I slide one hand up around the back of his neck, my thumb brushing over his earlobe, and he smiles into the kiss, which makes me smile. This is good and nice. I can totally do this. The condoms are in my bedside drawer, I’m wearing good underwear, I’ve shaved my legs. Today could be the day. Today should be the day.
Dan’s hand moves up to rest on my hip and I slide down the bed a little so he can push up against me. He’s hard already, I can feel it against my hip and I shift myself again so he’s pressing between my legs. This definitely feels good. I can work with this. Dan groans and my hips jerk back involuntarily.
‘You OK?’ he whispers.
‘Yeah. Sorry. It’s just… I can hear when Adam and Celine do it, so I don’t want—’
‘That’s OK,’ he says, dipping his head and curling his tongue into the hollow of my throat. ‘I can be quiet.’
He moves down the bed, shuffling me with him, until he’s lying on top of me, his dick pressed between my legs. I curl my hips up so I’m rubbing against him and it’s good. It feels familiar. More like when I touch myself than when I slept with Anthony. Anthony would’ve been done by now. He didn’t really care about whether I enjoyed it or not. And I never really did.
Dan’s pushing my top up now, his fingers sliding over my ribs. I look up and see the stain on my ceiling. I really do need to speak to Henry about that. I close my eyes. I shouldn’t be thinking about Henry right now. Dan is literally on top of me. That’s just bad manners. I think about the dream. How I pushed Henry back against the wall and pressed my body against him. Dan grinds his hips, and I gasp. He’s kissing along my collarbones now, his hand brushing over my left boob. I need to stop thinking about Henry. I need to focus on Dan. I shiver and hook one leg around his, pressing him more firmly against me.
A door slams downstairs and I wonder who it is. I don’t think any of them would actually come into the room, but it’s a bit nerve-wracking to know that they’re all walking around as normal while I’m doing this. I picture them all in the kitchen: Celine complaining about the dishes, Freya sexting Georgie, Adam watching the football, Henry making a cup of tea, all of them listening out for any noises Dan and I might make. That’s not what they’ll be doing – they’ve probably forgotten Dan’s even here – but… what if they are? I don’t want Henry to hear me having sex. Why am I still even thinking about Henry?
Dan’s hand is moving under my bra now, pushing it up over my boob, his thumb brushing over my nipple. I hook my other leg around him, shifting my hips until his dick is perfectly positioned. I wonder if I could come like this. I never came like this with Anthony. I never came with Anthony at all.
Dan’s tongue flickers over my nipple and I arch my back.
‘This OK?’ he murmurs.
I moan in response and again think about my friends in their rooms, potentially listening. They won’t be listening. Probably. Why am I still thinking? I want to stop thinking.
Dan sucks my nipple into his mouth and I dig my fingers into his shoulders. We’re really doing this. I’m going to come like this and then we’ll take our clothes off and then we’ll have sex. Here. Now. Where Henry can hear us.
I can’t do it.
‘Dan,’ I say, shifting my hips away from his dick.
‘Hmmm?’ He’s pretty busy with my nipple. I kind of want to shove his head off, but that would be rude.
>
I unhook my legs and shift my hips again, dislodging him.
‘Dan?’ Louder this time.
‘You OK?’ he says. He tips his chin up and rests his face on my boob to look up at me. He’s really cute. But I really don’t want to have sex with him. I could. And it would probably be good – he’s sweet and considerate and I’m sure he’d make it good for me – but it wouldn’t be right. It just wouldn’t.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I can’t do this.’
He pushes himself up on his arms. He’s got really good arms. ‘No?’
‘No. I’m sorry. I don’t know why. I just—’
‘We don’t have to have sex,’ he says. His mouth is red and looks swollen. I wish I wanted to kiss it. ‘I could go down on you? Or get you off like this? I thought you were close, maybe.’
‘I think that still counts as sex,’ I say. ‘And I can’t. I’m sorry.’
He rolls off me, but leaves his arm across my waist. ‘Can I ask why?’
I stare up at the ceiling again. ‘It’s too soon, I think. My last boyfriend…’ I squeeze my eyes shut and then open them again, glancing down at him before looking back up at the ceiling. ‘I’ve only had one boyfriend. And he wasn’t nice. And I just… I feel like I need to take this a bit slower.’
‘You should’ve told me,’ he says, bumping his head against my shoulder. ‘I hope you didn’t feel pressured or anything.’
I squeeze his forearm. ‘No. You’re great, honestly. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’
‘Do you still know this guy? Want me to rough him up for you?’
I laugh. ‘No. He ghosted me. Ages ago now.’
‘What. A. Dick.’
I laugh again. God, I can’t remember ever laughing about Anthony before. But he was a dick. He absolutely was.
‘You rough people up?’ I ask, smiling.
‘Well, I never have before. But I could totally give it a go.’
I turn my head so I can kiss him on the forehead. ‘Thank you.’
‘Ooh,’ he says, shuffling up to the pillow. ‘Forehead kiss. That’s not good.’
‘It was the only bit of you I could reach!’ I say.
He kisses my temple. ‘I was only joking. You’re OK, yeah?’
I nod. ‘I’m good. Thanks for understanding.’
‘Oh, no worries.’ We lie in silence for a few seconds and then Dan says, ‘You haven’t got an en suite have you?’
‘No, sorry. But the bathroom’s next door.’
‘No,’ he says. ‘That’s OK. Just got a bit of a situation. In my pants.’
Chapter Twenty-Five
‘Do you have any books about guinea pigs?’
The boy looks about thirteen and is wearing a red hoodie, purple T-shirt and round glasses. He’s been lurking in the shop for about ten minutes, and approached the desk twice and changed his mind at the last minute, before finally asking the question.
‘Fiction or non-fiction?’ I ask him.
He frowns. ‘I think… fiction?’
I walk around the counter and show him over to the children’s section.
‘I’m pretty sure we’ve got Olga da Polga,’ I tell him. ‘Have you read that one?’
He doesn’t say anything, so I look up and see him shaking his head. He’s biting his lip, nervously.
‘It might be a bit young for you,’ I tell him. ‘But it’s good. Funny. I read it when I was little.’
I go back to the counter, leaving him looking at the book, and before too long he comes back again.
‘Do you have any books about looking after guinea pigs?’
‘Actually, I’m not sure.’ I call Henry over and ask him and he takes the boy over to look in the animals section.
When he leaves – after buying the guinea pig care book, but not Olga da Polga – Henry joins me behind the counter.
‘Was that Harry Potter?’
I laugh. ‘No. No scar.’
‘Well… he had a fringe.’
‘True. But also Harry Potter would be in his thirties now.’
‘Shut up!’ Henry says.
‘Nope. He really would.’
‘God.’ Henry leans down and rests his head on the counter. ‘That’s the worst thing I’ve heard all day. And I had to listen to Celine puking this morning. I can’t believe she still hasn’t told Adam.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘She says she’s waiting for the right time.’
Henry shakes his head. ‘I guess she knows him better than we do.’
‘She might be waiting for him to work it out himself,’ I suggest.
Henry laughs. ‘Good luck with that.’
I smile. ‘I know. But you never really know how other people’s relationships work, do you?’ And then I ask him something I’ve been wondering about. ‘If me and Dan came into the shop, what would you say?’ I ask Henry, who is still fiddling in the till drawer.
‘What?’
‘You know what I mean. If you were working and me and Dan came in, as a couple, would you say we’d stay together or split?’
‘I wouldn’t say anything because you wouldn’t be here to say it to.’
‘Henry.’
‘Bea.’
‘You know what I mean.’
He groans, slamming the till drawer shut. ‘OK. If Bea One came in here with Dan and Bea Two was standing here with me, bored, and probably fiddling with her phone that she’s not meant to have on the shop floor… I think I’d say they looked good together. You looked good together, I mean. You and Dan.’
‘But it’s not just about how we look, is it? It’s about how we interact. What did you think at brunch? I know you thought something. You’re super judgemental.’
He smiles, rubbing his hand over his face. ‘I am not.’
‘Tell me please. I won’t be offended. Probably.’
He drops his head back, looking up at the ceiling, and then straightens up again. ‘OK. Well. He’s nice. He seems like a nice bloke.’
‘He is.’
‘Right. But… I’m not really feeling the two of you together.’
‘Why not?’ I know why I think he’s not right, but I really want to know why Henry thinks he’s not right.
‘You just don’t… you seem more like friends. But maybe not even friends. Maybe colleagues.’
‘Really? How?’
‘Ugh, god, I should’ve agreed to just one question.’ He grabs the edge of the desk and bends over, stretching his shoulders. ‘OK. So. Like Celine and Adam tease each other. They take the piss and wind each other up. Yeah?’
I nod.
‘And Freya and Georgie can’t keep their hands off each other.’
This is also true.
‘Even, like, Mr and Mrs C… they’re affectionate. They’re cute together, you know? You and Dan are just… you’re like – who’s the guy in Sleepless in Seattle?’
‘Tom Hanks?’
‘Duh. No. The one she’s engaged to. Meg Ryan.’
‘When did you watch Sleepless in Seattle?’
‘It’s my mum’s favourite film. I’ve watched it loads of times.’
‘So you should know who you’re talking about then?’
He rolls his eyes at me. ‘I can never remember his name. Whatever. He’s engaged to Meg Ryan—’
‘Annie.’
‘Annie. God. Right, so he’s engaged to Annie, but she’s not that into him. And then she meets Tom Hanks and… you know.’
‘So you’re saying I should try to meet Tom Hanks?’ I grin at him.
‘I think he’s a bit old for you. Although he has written a book, have you seen—’
‘Walter.’
‘What?’
‘Annie’s fiancé is Walter.’
‘Right. Bill Paxton.’
‘Pullman.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yeah. Bill Paxton died. He was the guy in Twister. And Titanic. And Weird Science.’
‘And Bill Pullman’s the President in Independence Day, right?�
��
‘Yes.’ I glance over at the door as a customer comes in. ‘He’s also the guy she chooses in While You Were Sleeping.’
‘I don’t think I’ve seen that one,’ Henry says, stepping out from behind the counter. ‘Fancy a tea?’
‘Please. And you should watch it. At Christmas. It’s a good Christmas film.’
‘I’ll put it in my diary,’ he says, as he disappears into the kitchen.
The customer comes over and asks for recommendations of exciting books for a non-reader. It’s only when she’s gone that Henry brings my tea.
‘You’re not upset,’ he says, without looking at me. ‘About what I said?’
‘Getting Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton confused? Nah, I think it’s pretty common.’
‘Not that. What I said about you and Dan.’
I take a breath. ‘No. I mean it’s still pretty new. We’re getting to know each other. And… it’s different when we’re in public.’
Henry goes pink. ‘I’m sure.’
I almost want to tell him. That even though me and Dan were in my room, nothing happened. Well, not nothing. But not what he presumably thinks happened. But there’s no way I can talk to him about it. And he probably wouldn’t even care. But I do need to talk to someone.
* * *
‘I’m getting grapefruit gin,’ Freya says, squinting up at the blackboard menu in the cafe above the cinema. The film doesn’t start for another hour, but we made sure to get here early because the bar is so nice.
‘God,’ I say. ‘Put your glasses on.’
‘Not until the lights go off,’ she says. ‘What are you getting?’
‘I’ll have the same, I think.’
‘Ooh,’ she says, stepping up to the counter. ‘Hitting the hard stuff. What’s up?’
‘I need to talk to you about something. What cakes are there? I want cake too.’
‘Gin and cake? Have you killed someone?’
‘Funny. I’ll go and get a table.’
I head for the far corner under the window, but Freya shouts, ‘Go outside! The sun’s shining!’
I push open the French doors and step out onto the balcony. I love it so much – it’s above the marquee and behind the sign with the film titles on, so it’s very cool, but it’s almost always too hot. Not that Freya cares. When she joins me, she’s already wearing a pair of huge sunglasses.
It Had To Be You: An absolutely laugh-out-loud romance novel Page 14