P G Wodehouse - Man Upstairs

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P G Wodehouse - Man Upstairs Page 24

by Man Upstairs


  George moved to his side. The two stout Frenchmen had strolled off, leaving elbow-room behind them.

  He tapped the croupier on the shoulder.

  "I say," he said. "What's the game? J'ai jetté cinq francs sur huit, I tell you. Moi!"

  A forgotten idiom from the days of boyhood and French exercises came to him.

  "Moi qui parle," he added.

  "Messieurs, faites vos jeux," crooned the croupier, in a detached manner.

  To the normal George, as to most Englishmen of his age, the one cardinal rule in life was at all costs to avoid rendering himself conspicuous in public. Than George, normal, no violet that ever hid itself in a mossy bank could have had a greater distaste for scenes. But to-night he was not normal. Roville and its colour had wrought a sort of fever in his brain. Boule had increased it. And love had caused it to rage. If this had been entirely his own affair it is probable that the croupier's frigid calm would have quelled him and he would have retired, fermenting but baffled. But it was not his own affair. He was fighting the cause of the only girl in the world. She had trusted him. Could he fail her? No, he was dashed if he could. He would show her what he was made of. His heart swelled within him. A thrill permeated his entire being, starting at his head and running out at his heels. He felt tremendous-a sort of blend of Oliver Cromwell, a Berserk warrior, and Sir Galahad.

  "Monsieur," he said again. "Hi! What about it?"

  This time the croupier did speak.

  "C'est fim," he said; and print cannot convey the pensive scorn of his voice. It stung George, in his exalted mood, like a blow. Finished, was it? All right, now he would show them. They had asked for it, and now they should get it. How much did it come to? Five francs the stake had been, and you got seven times your stake. And you got your stake back. He was nearly forgetting that. Forty francs in all, then. Two of those gold what-d'you-call-'ems? in fact. Very well, then.

  He leaned forward quickly across the croupier, snatched the lid off the gold tray, and removed two louis.

  It is a remarkable fact in life that the scenes which we have rehearsed in our minds never happen as we have pictured them happening. In the present case, for instance, it had been George's intention to handle the subsequent stages of this little dispute with an easy dignity. He had proposed, the money obtained, to hand it over to its rightful owner, raise his hat, and retire with an air, a gallant champion of the oppressed. It was probably about one-sixteenth of a second after his hand had closed on the coins that he realized in the most vivid manner that these were not the lines on which the incident was to develop, and, with all his heart, he congratulated himself on having discarded those brown boots in favour of a worn but roomy pair of gent's Oxfords.

  For a moment there was a pause and a silence of utter astonishment, while the minds of those who had witnessed the affair adjusted themselves to the marvel, and then the world became full of starting eyes, yelling throats, and clutching hands. From all over the casino fresh units swarmed like bees to swell the crowd at the centre of things. Promenaders ceased to promenade, waiters to wait Elderly gentlemen sprang on to tables.

  But in that momentary pause George had got off the mark. The table at which he had been standing was the one nearest to the door, and he had been on the door side of it. As the first eyes began to start, the first throats to yell, and the first hands to clutch, he was passing the counter of the money- changer. He charged the swing-door at full speed, and, true to its mission, it swung. He had a vague glimpse from the corner of his eye of the hat-and-cloak counter, and then he was in the square with the cold night breeze blowing on his forehead and the stars winking down from the blue sky.

  A paper-seller on the pavement, ever the man of business, stepped forward and offered him the Paris edition of the Daily Mail, and, being in the direct line of transit, shot swiftly into the road and fell in a heap, while George, shaken but going well, turned off to the left, where there seemed to be rather more darkness than anywhere else.

  And then the casino disgorged the pursuers.

  To George, looking hastily over his shoulder, there seemed a thousand of them. The square rang with their cries. He could not understand them, but gathered that they were uncomplimentary. At any rate, they stimulated a little man in evening dress, strolling along the pavement towards him, to become suddenly animated and to leap from side to side with outstretched arms.

  Panic makes Harlequin three-quarters of us all. For one who had never played Rugby football George handled the situation well. He drew the defence with a feint to the left, then, swerving to the right, shot past into the friendly darkness. From behind came the ringing of feet and an evergrowing din.

  It is one of the few compensations a fugitive pursued by a crowd enjoys that, while he has space for his manœuvres, those who pursue are hampered by their numbers. In the little regiment that pounded at his heels it is probable that there were many faster runners than George. On the other hand, there were many slower, and in the early stages of the chase these impeded their swifter brethren. At the end of the first half-minute, therefore, George, not sparing himself, had drawn well ahead, and for the first time found leisure for connected thought.

  His brain became preternaturally alert, so that when, rounding a corner, he perceived entering the main road from a side-street in front of him a small knot of pedestrians, he did not waver, but was seized with a keen spasm of presence of mind. Without pausing in his stride, he pointed excitedly before him, and at the same moment shouted the words, "Là! Là! Vite! Vite!"

  His stock of French was small, but it ran to that, and for his purpose it was ample. The French temperament is not stolid. When the French temperament sees a man running rapidly and pointing into the middle distance and hears him shouting, "Là! Là! Vite! Vite!" it does not stop to make formal inquiries. It sprints like a mustang. It did so now, with the happy result that a moment later George was racing down the

  road, the centre and recognized leader of an enthusiastic band of six, which, in the next twenty yards, swelled to eleven.

  Five minutes later, in a wine-shop near the harbour, he was sipping the first glass of a bottle of cheap but comforting vin ordinaire while he explained to the interested proprietor, by means of a mixture of English, broken French, and gestures that he had been helping to chase a thief, but had been forced by fatigue to retire prematurely for refreshment. The proprietor gathered, however, that he had every confidence in the zeal of his still active colleagues.

  It is convincing evidence of the extent to which love had triumphed over prudence in George's soul that the advisability of lying hid in his hotel on the following day did not even cross his mind. Immediately after breakfast, or what passed for it at Roville, he set out for the Hotel Cercle de la Méditerranée to hand over the two louis to their owner.

  Lady Julia, he was informed on arrival, was out. The porter, politely genial, advised monsieur to seek her on the Promenade des Etrangers.

  She was there, on the same seat where she had left the book.

  "Good morning," he said.

  She had not seen him coming, and she started at his voice. The flush was back on her face as she turned to him. There was a look of astonishment in the grey eyes.

  He held out the two louis.

  "I couldn't give them to you last night," he said.

  A horrible idea seized him. It had not occurred to him before.

  "I say," he stammered-"I say, I hope you don't think I had run off with your winnings for good! The croupier wouldn't give them up, you know, so I had to grab them and run. They came to exactly two louis. You put on five francs, you know, and you get seven times your stake. I-"

  An elderly lady seated on the bench, who had loomed from behind a parasol towards the middle of these remarks, broke abruptly into speech.

  "Who is this young man?"

  George looked at her, startled. He had hardly been aware of her presence till now. Rapidly he diagnosed her as a mother-or aunt. She looked more like an
aunt. Of course, it must seem odd to her, his charging in like this, a perfect stranger, and beginning to chat with her daughter, or niece, or whatever it was. He began to justify himself.

  "I met your-this young lady"-something told him that was not the proper way to put it, but hang it, what else could he say?-"at the casino last night."

  He stopped. The effect of his words on the elderly lady was remarkable. Her face seemed to turn to stone and become all sharp points. She stared at the girl.

  "So you were gambling at the casino last night?" she said.

  She rose from the seat, a frozen statue of displeasure.

  "I shall return to the hotel. When you have arranged your financial transactions with your-friend, I should like to speak to you. You will find me in my room."

  George looked after her dumbly.

  The girl spoke, in a curiously strained voice, as if she were speaking to herself.

  "I don't care," she said. "I'm glad."

  George was concerned.

  "I'm afraid your mother is offended, Lady Julia."

  There was a puzzled look in her grey eyes as they met his. Then they lit up. She leaned back in the seat and began to laugh, softly at first, and then with a note that jarred on George. Whatever the humour of the situation-and he had not detected it at present-this mirth, he felt, was unnatural and excessive.

  She checked herself at length, and a flush crept over her face.

  "I don't know why I did that," she said, abruptly. "I'm sorry. There was nothing funny in what you said. But I'm not Lady Julia, and I have no mother. That was Lady Julia who has just gone, and I am nothing more important than her companion."

  "Her companion!"

  "I had better say her late companion. It will soon be that. I had strict orders, you see, not to go near the casino without her-and I went."

  "Then-then I've lost you your job-I mean, your position! If it hadn't been for me she wouldn't have known. I-"

  "You have done me a great service," she said. "You have cut the painter for me when I have been trying for months to muster up the courage to cut it for myself. I don't suppose you know what it is to get into a groove and long to get out of it and not have the pluck. My brother has been writing to me for a long time to join him in Canada. And I hadn't the courage, or the energy, or whatever it is that takes people out of grooves. I knew I was wasting my life, but I was fairly happy-at least, not unhappy; so-well, there it was. I suppose women are like that."

  "And now-?"

  "And now you have jerked me out of the groove. I shall go out to Bob by the first boat."

  He scratched the concrete thoughtfully with his stick.

  "It's a hard life out there." he said.

  "But it is a life."

  He looked at the strollers on the promenade. They seemed very far away-in another world.

  "Look here," he said, hoarsely and stopped. "May I sit down?" he asked, abruptly. "I've got something to say, and I can't say it when I'm looking at you."

  He sat down, and fastened his gaze on a yacht that swayed at anchor against the cloudless sky.

  "Look here," he said. "Will you marry me?"

  He heard her turn quickly, and felt her eyes upon him. He went on doggedly.

  "I know," he said, "we only met yesterday. You probably think I'm mad."

  "I don't think you're mad," she said, quietly. "I only think you're too Quixotic. You're sorry for me and you are letting a kind impulse carry you away, as you did last night at the casino. It's like you."

  For the first time he turned towards her.

  "I don't know what you suppose I am," he said, "but I'll tell you. I'm a clerk in an insurance office. I get a hundred a year and ten days' holiday. Did you take me for a millionaire? If I am, I'm only a tuppenny one. Somebody left me a thousand pounds a few weeks ago. That's how I come to be here. Now you know all about me. I don't know anything about you except that I shall never love anybody else. Marry me, and we'll go to Canada together. You say I've helped you out of your groove. Well, I've only one chance of getting out of mine, and that's through you. If you won't help me, I don't care if I get out of it or not. Will you pull me out?"

  She did not speak. She sat looking out to sea, past the many-coloured crowd.

  He watched her face, but her hat shaded her eyes and he could read nothing in it.

  And then, suddenly, without quite knowing how it had got there, he found that her hand was in his, and he was clutching it as a drowning man clutches a rope.

  He could see her eyes now, and there was a message in them that set his heart racing. A great content filled him. She was so companionable, such a friend. It seemed incredible to him that it was only yesterday they had met for the first time.

  "And now," she said, "would you mind telling me your name?"

  The little waves murmured as they rolled lazily up the beach. Somewhere behind the trees in the gardens a band had begun to play. The breeze, blowing in from the blue Mediterranean, was charged with salt and happiness. And from a seat on the promenade a young man swept the crowd with a defiant gaze.

  "It isn't true," it seemed to say. "I'm not a jelly-fish."

  Ahead of Schedule

  It was to Wilson, his valet, with whom he frequently chatted in airy fashion before rising of a morning, that Rollo Finch first disclosed his great idea. Wilson was a man of silent habit, and men of silent habit rarely escaped Rollo's confidences.

  "Wilson," he said one morning from the recesses of his bed, as the valet entered with his shaving-water, "have you ever been in love?"

  "Yes, sir," said the valet, unperturbed.

  One would hardly have expected the answer to be in the affirmative. Like most valets and all chauffeurs, Wilson gave the impression of being above the softer emotions.

  "What happened?" inquired Rollo.

  "It came to nothing, sir," said Wilson, beginning to strop the razor with no appearance of concern.

  "Ah!" said Rollo. "And I bet I know why. You didn't go the right way to work."

  "No, sir?"

  "Not one fellow in a hundred does. I know. I've thought it out. I've been thinking the deuce of a lot about it lately. It's dashed tricky, this making love. Most fellows haven't a notion how to work it. No system. No system, Wilson, old scout."

  "No, sir?"

  "Now I have a system. And I'll tell it you. It may do you a bit of good next time you feel that impulse. You're not dead yet. Now, my system is simply to go to it gradually, by degrees. Work by schedule. See what I mean?"

  "Not entirely, sir."

  "Well, I'll give you the details. First thing, you want to find the girl."

  "Just so, sir."

  "Well, when you've found her, what do you do? You just look at her. See what I mean?"

  "Not entirely, sir."

  "Look at her, my boy. That's just the start-the foundation. You develop from that. But you keep away. That's the point. I've thought this thing out. Mind you, I don't claim absolutely all the credit for the idea myself. It's by way of being based on Christian Science. Absent treatment, and all that. But most of it's mine. All the fine work."

  "Yes, sir?"

  "Yes. Absolutely all the fine work. Here's the thing in a nutshell. You find the girl. Right. Of course, you've got to meet her once, just to establish the connection. Then you get busy. First week, looks. Just look at her. Second week, letters. Write to her every day. Third week, flowers. Send her some every afternoon. Fourth week, presents with a bit more class about them. Bit of jewellery now and then. See what I mean? Fifth week, lunches and suppers and things. Sixth week, propose, though you can do it in the fifth week if you see a chance. You've got to leave that to the fellow's judgment. Well, there you are. See what I mean?"

  Wilson stropped his master's razor thoughtfully.

  "A trifle elaborate, sir, is it not?" he said.

  Rollo thumped the counterpane.

  "I knew you'd say that. That's what nine fellows out of ten would say. They'd want to rush it
. I tell you, Wilson, old scout, you can't rush it."

  Wilson brooded awhile, his mind back in the passionate past.

  "In Market Bumpstead, sir-"

  "What the deuce is Market Bumpstead?"

  "A village, sir, where I lived until I came to London."

  "Well?"

  "In Market Bumpstead, sir, the prevailing custom was to escort the young lady home from church, buy her some little present-some ribbons, possibly-next day, take her for a walk, and kiss her, sir."

  Wilson's voice, as he unfolded these devices of the dashing youth of Market Bumpstead, had taken on an animation quite unsuitable to a conscientious valet. He gave the impression of a man who does not depend on idle rumour for his facts. His eye gleamed unprofessionally for a moment before resuming its habitual expression of quiet introspection.

  Rollo shook his head.

  "That sort of thing might work in a village," he said, "but you want something better for London."

  Rollo Finch-in the present unsatisfactory state of the law parents may still christen a child Rollo-was a youth to whom Nature had given a cheerful disposition not marred by any superfluity of brain. Everyone liked Rollo-the great majority on sight, the rest as soon as they heard that he would be a millionaire on the death of his Uncle Andrew. There is a subtle something, a sort of nebulous charm, as it were, about young men who will be millionaires on the death of their Uncle Andrew which softens the ruggedest misanthrope.

  Rollo's mother had been a Miss Galloway, of Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.; and Andrew Galloway, the world-famous Braces King, the inventor and proprietor of the inimitable "Tried and Proven," was her brother. His braces had penetrated to every corner of the earth. Wherever civilization reigned you would find men wearing Galloway's "Tried and Proven."

  Between Rollo and this human benefactor there had always existed friendly relations, and it was an open secret that, unless his uncle were to marry and supply the world with little Galloways as well as braces, the young man would come into his money.

  So Rollo moved on his way through life, popular and happy. Always merry and bright. That was Rollo.

 

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