Finn’s chest puffs up at the task I’ve just asked of him. “Aye. Me and Cat will take good care of ‘em, Tara. Don’t you worry none.”
I know he’s as good as his word as I watch the three of them leave, Cat close on their heels. I wait until the shanty door shuts behind them before I whirl on Ernst.
“Let’s get one thing straight. There ain’t nuthin’ in this world I wouldn’t do for my kin, and you don’t get to have a say in that, understand? You can preach to me about fightin’ and controllin’ my Chi all day long, and I’ll listen but this? My kin? You don’t tell me what I cain’t promise ‘em.”
I know where my anger is coming from. It stems from the guilt of knowing what my young kin endured these past few months, and I wasn’t there for ‘em. They had suffered and felt pain more than I can imagine while I’d been staying in Mack’s fancy house in Skytown, with plenty to eat and people at my beck and call. I shoulda been there for ‘em. I shoulda helped that boy. I shoulda found ‘em sooner. But I didn’t. I failed ‘em; the ones I loved the most.
“Easy, Tara.” Jax puts a constraining hand on my arm. “All Ernst is trying to say is you shouldn’t get their hopes up—”
“I don’t care what he’s tryin’ to say. And why you defendin’ him?” I shake off his hand, wishing I could shake off my unjustified anger as easily.
“Because I happen to agree with him,” he answers. “You have enough on your plate with the training and now this new plan to overtake his machines and starve his army. You can’t make promises to go running off and save someone you don’t even know.”
Confusion bounces around inside of me along with anger and guilt, all fighting for dominance. The anger wins again. “But that’s what y’all are askin’ me to do.” I glare at him like he’s the unreasonable one. “Y’all want me to go off and save thousands of people I don’t know. Why should I? Why should I help any of you and continue on with this stupid plan? If I couldn’t even protect them, how do you expect me to protect anyone? Why shouldn’t Ben and I just take Jane and Thomas and Finn and disappear into the sand lands and leave all of you to fend for yourselves?”
“Because that is not the Tara you are anymore,” Ernst says simply as he steps toward me. “This new Tara is no coward. She cares about the people. She cares about the slaves, and the mutants, and the innocents. She knows what the Prezedant is doing is cruel and wrong, and she will do whatever she can to help stop it. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have risked her life to help save a bunch of villagers she didn’t even know. Just like your mother would have done.”
His words don’t reassure me. In fact, they magnify my anger. I ain’t anything like my ma. I don’t have her strength or compassion. And the voice in my head today shrieking at me to kill the soldiers at the village tells me there’s a whole lot more of Ernst’s murderous blood running through my veins than my ma’s. That scares me more than anything.
“You don’t know me at all, old man, so don’t pretend to try. It’s a waste of both of our time.”
I don’t wait for his reaction. I brush by them all and out into the cool quiet of the mountain night.
The full moon hangs heavy and bloated in the inky sky, highlighting the stones and boulders that dot the landscape below and making them look like stealthy creatures just waiting to attack. But I know each and every one of their shadows intimately now. There’s nuthin’ to fear from those shadows. This is my escape spot. My place to be alone and think. I’ve been here often in the past few weeks. I’m as much a part of the shadows as the rocks are.
The night breeze cools my hot skin as it whistles along the slopes and through the craggy cliffs, bringing with it the throat-tickling odor of distant smoke from the village. The wind’s lonesome echo matches my mood: sad and forlorn.
I hate myself for feeling this way. I should be ecstatic. Jane and Thomas were brought back to us—alive, if not entirely well. I should be over the bloody moon. But instead all I can think of is how I failed ‘em and the young’un from the market. Proving to me how insignificant I really am in this wh ole scheme of things. Mack was right. Just by taking a truck does not a victory make. We cain’t beat someone as powerful as the Prezedant. Who am I trying to kid? Why am I pretending to myself that I can make a difference?
Sighing, I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my shins. Boy, what I wouldn’t give to be back in Rivercross right now, with nuthin’ to worry over other than what me and Grada would cook for supper.
I hear Jax approaching long before I see him. The sound of his muffled cussin’ as he loses his footing and the small rocks clattering down the rise behind me announces his arrival. He pauses for a bit once he reaches the top, peering through the darkness for me, I reckon. Once he spots me, he heads my way and plops himself down on the cold ground beside me.
“You know, we have perfectly fine shanties with comfy seats next to toasty, warm fires. For the life of me, I don’t understand what attracts you to this butt-freezing ridge for hours at a time.”
“The privacy,” I emphasize, but he either plays dumb or just chooses to ignore me. Either way, I got company whether I like it or not.
He sits beside me in silence, staring up at the moon, his head cocked to the side. Finally, he asks, “Sooooo, you wanna tell me what that was all about back there, because I feel it was a bit uncalled for.”
I shift my eyes straight ahead. “Nope.”
“Nope, you don’t wanna tell me, or nope, it wasn’t uncalled for?”
“Aye,” I say bluntly.
“Soooo, is that aye for the first option? Or the second? Because I’m not sure.”
“The first,” I snap. “And the second. Well, both I reckon. Why are you even here?” I finally swivel to look at him, not even bothering to try and hide my annoyance.
“Because somebody had to check on you, and I drew the short straw.” I can see his white teeth gleaming at me through the darkness.
“You’re a real jackass, you know that?”
“Hmmm, so you’ve said. But this isn’t about me right now. What happened back there for you to turn? One minute you want to cut the Prezedant’s feet out from under him by ambushing his supply routes, and the next minute you want to take the kids and run off to the sand lands. I almost got whiplash watching you change your mind.”
I seal my lips tight in a grimace and stare back at the moon. What’s the point of telling him? He ain’t gonna understand.
“You can give me the silent treatment as long as you like, but I’m not leaving.”
“Then I will,” I huff at him as I try to get to my feet but he grabs my arm, stopping me.
“Look, let’s just make this easy for both of us. I know something is bothering you. Mack and Ernst know too, and they’re not going to let it go until you spill the beans. If this new idea of ours is going to work, we need you fully committed and on board. What happened today between the time of warrior Tara and spineless Tara?”
“Spineless? That’s a bit harsh, ain’t it?”
“Meh. You can handle it.” He shrugs at me. “Now, spill it.”
“Fine.” I sigh as I plop down beside him again. I run my hand over the back of my neck, trying to organize my thoughts. “Just when I start to think you people may be right and I can make a difference in this stupid rebellion, I get slapped with a rude awakenin’, and I realize I’m not who y’all think I am.”
I glance over at him, but he just twirls a finger at me telling me to go on. “That boy Jane was talking about? Conner? I seen him at the market flesh tradin’ just ‘fore you found me in that alley. He… he spoke to me in my head, and I knew right away he was like me. He begged me to help me. But I didn’t. I walked away. I was too scared.”
I can feel the heat of shame creeping up my cheeks but I keep talking. “If I had helped him, I woulda found Jane and Thomas sooner. I woulda saved ‘em from the horror their lives musta been these past few months. I woulda saved that boy from countless beatin’s and pain. Instead,
I was livin’ the life of luxury in Skytown, going to stupid teas and balls. I was a yellow-bellied coward. And I’m scared I’m gonna be again. I’m scared the next time it’ll be you, or Finn, or Ben, or someone else I love that I walk away from, and I cain’t have that happen.”
Shizen. The words are outta my mouth before I even realize what I’m saying. I sneak a look his way again, hoping he don’t pick up on what I said. But of course, it’s Jax. He notices everything.
“Someone else you love?” he questions.
I can feel the wave of embarrassment rushing over my body, and I’m glad for the darkness.
“You know what I mean. My crew. You and Finn and Tater and Ben and Mack… you’re all like my kin now.”
“I see.” I swear he lets the awkward silence between us linger a lot longer than it needs to. “So, you mean you think of me like a brother or an uncle?”
“Did I say that? No, I mean… I don’t know what I mean. Why you askin’ me such foolishness?”
“Because you said you love me.”
“I didn’t say I love you.”
“Aye, that’s exactly what you said.”
“No.”
“But you did.”
“No, I said everybody, like in all of you and….oh, just forget it.”
His quiet laughter reverberates down my spine. But thankfully, he lets it drop. “Tara, why do you doubt yourself? What happened to Jane and Thomas is not your fault. None of it is your fault. All fault lies with the Prezedant. I have never known anyone as brave or courageous or stubborn as you. Let go of the guilt and doubt and embrace what you are. What we all know you are. The powerful New Blood that will bring him down.”
“Do you really believe that, Jax?” My quiet question almost gets carried away by the wind, but he hears it and nods my way. I’m truly moved by his words and belief in me, and I cain’t stop the tears that well up again. Irritated by my weakness, I rub my eyes with the back of my hand ‘fore Jax notices my foolishness.
“If only it were that easy.” I sigh.
“I didn’t say it would be easy. It won’t be easy. Just like the decision I’ve come to tonight and what I’m about to tell you.”
Whereas his earlier words brought tears to my eyes, these words bring a sickness to the pit of my gut. “So, you didn’t draw a short straw after all, did ya? You came up here to tell me somethin’.”
“Aye, not gonna lie.” He turns to me, and even in the pale light, I can see how strained his face is. “There’s a second reason why I’m up here freezing my butt off. Something’s been on my mind ever since we came across those soldiers in the village this morning. As much as I don’t want to leave you right now, I need to. It’s quarterly raid, Tara. I need to check on my ma and Skye and the rest of the villagers. To make sure they’re okay. I need to go back and help protect Gray Valley.”
5
Under Fire
The fire pulses through my veins, competing with the heat scorching the top of my head from the blazing sun. I let it flow effortlessly through my body and watch as the small dirt devil whirls and sways to my command. Even with all the practicing Ernst has had me do and the things I’ve already inexplicably done, this power still amazes me with each passing day. I familiarize myself with it, my body adjusting to the power.
Ernst has been teaching me to control the Chi by focusing on my target. Before my power had been explosive acts elicited by my high emotions, but this display is controlled and wielded. The vortex of debris and stone is moving exactly like I picture in my head, yet I cain’t help trying to mold it with my hands. It’s like moving my hands help me focus on the control. My hands keep in time with the whirlwind as it skips across the parched, cracked soil toward my leaning target of boulders.
“Shizen, Tara. Are you controllin’ that thing?”
The voice breaks my intense concentration and the eddy dissipates, raining down rocks and sand into a harmless pile of nuthin’.
“I didn’t know you was gettin’ so good at it. Do it again.” Finn’s eyes are shiny with excitement and ease my irritation at being interrupted.
My voice ain’t as sharp when I answer, “What part of I wanna be alone did you not get?”
He waves a hand at me in dismissal as he and Cat approach. “You always say that, but I know you don’t mean me. Do it again.”
His conviction amuses me. Raising my hands again, I slowly open the floodgates of my Chi. It leeches into my skin, and I can feel the energy snapping between my curled fingers as the dirt devil rises up in fronta us. I picture it growing in my head, whipping it into a frenzy. It dances around for a bit, hopping over the ground like skipping rocks. Finn’s squeal of glee encourages me to do more. Pushing out with my hands, I send it straight toward the towering pillar of stone. The loud crack that hits my ears as the rock shatters into a thousand pieces makes me wince. By the time the dust filled air settles, me and Finn and Cat are covered in the gritty powder.
“Hoooo-ly,” Finn drawls as he shakes the dust out of his hair. “That was freakin’ awesome!”
The grin that coves my face is just as big as his. “Aye. It kinda was.”
“Cat. Did you see that?”
Cat responds by shaking the dust out of her fur, covering us with even more grime, then proceeds to start licking herself clean. I reckon she ain’t half as impressed as Finn.
“Tara. Finn.”
The voice carries from around the rocky hill separating me from the truck and my companions. Finn stops grinning at Jax’s yell, and his eyes open wide like he just remembered something.
“Oh, yeah, Jax sent me to fetch ya. We’re gettin’ ready to move out.”
Typical Finn. Side tracked enough to forget what he was sent to do. Sighing at the thought of getting back into that mechanical monster, I follow Finn back to our rest stop.
I know Jax was right about taking the truck. It made sense. It would get us to Gray Valley a lot quicker. He’d been surprised I wanted to go with him, and more surprised that Mack had agreed to go with us as well. But there was more to this trip than a visit to Gray Valley. We were doing what Grada used to say was killin two hogs with one slug.
Tagging along on this trip with me and Jax and Finn and Mack are Ben, Beanie, Talbert, and Tater. Busher and a whole slew of his raiders are with us as well. Along with Belle driving the metal contraption and Cat crammed in, there’s barely room to breathe.
But the raiders ain’t going to Gray Valley. In accordance with the plan, we were dropping ‘em off along the way, two at a time. Busher was sending ‘em off to spread the word to the pockets of raiders spread across the sand lands. Attack the Prezedant’s trucks, take ‘em out, and then bring the trucks to the mutie village on the outskirts of the sand lands.
Mack only agreed because he knew, according to the supply route, Gray Valley wouldn’t be hit for another month or so yet. The soldiers had a routine. The southern sand lands always got taxed first since their crops matured quicker. Gray Valley was in the northern sand lands. Their crops wouldn’t be ready for another few weeks. We had plenty of time to drop Jax off at Gray Valley and head on to the mutie village in the outer lands.
Mack and I were to be what he called emissaries. Our job was to talk the muties into accepting the trucks on to their territory and hide them for us. More importantly, we needed them to back us in our rebellion. Mack had decided the time had come to strengthen our numbers. So while we went to convert the muties, Jonas and a couple of his men were sent off to enlist the servants of Skytown. If we're gonna fight back, we needed an army ourselves.
Mack wasn’t the least bit afraid we’d run into soldiers out that far. Not even the Prezedant’s men went out that far. Nobody went out that far. Living out there in the worst of the sand lands changed people, in more ways than one. Muties were called muties for a reason.
As much as I’m looking forward to my mission, I’m more excited about Gray Valley. I want to see Vi again, Jax’s ma. To thank her properly. That woman heale
d me from a dang lot more than the gunshot wound I was suffering. She had helped me accept and get over my guilt at what I had done to those soldiers that attacked us. My first time being a killer weren’t easy. She helped me see reason. I owed her a lot, and I’m eager to tell her that.
As we round the hill, I can see everybody waiting on us. Belle is leaning against the door of the driver’s side watching Ben, like usual, as he extinguishes the campfire. Talbert and Beanie are playing some sort of weird hand game they tell me is called “rock, paper, scissors.” It don’t make a lick of sense, but it’s how they figure out who gets to be my shadow for the next few hours.
The raiders that are left are all gathered around Mack and Tater, and I hear a bout of laughter as the little man finishes up what I’m sure is a raunchy tale of no good. I sigh to myself. I ain’t gonna lie. I ain’t looking forward to getting back into that truck, and no amount of mint leaves makes me feel any better. But I do gotta admit, Jax is right about one thing. It sure beats walking.
He studies us as we draw closer. “Everything okay? I thought I heard a shot?”
“Nah, it weren’t no shot.” Finn’s head bobs in excitement. “Tara made this dirt devil, and it exploded this pile of rocks. You shoulda seen it, Jax—”
“Finn, you wanna ride up front with Jax and Belle and Mack? I’ll take care of Cat in the back.”
Don’t know why I interrupt the boy. Not like Jax don’t know I carry this curse, but for some reason, I don’t wanna talk about how powerful it’s becoming.
“Aye!” he answers. He’s been nagging me to ride up front for two days now. Totally dropping what he was sayin’ to Jax, he runs for the truck door while I try to hold Cat back from following him. “No, you gotta go with me, girl.”
I try to push her into the back of the truck, but I ain’t having much luck. She doesn’t want to let Finn outta her sight, so Talbert and Beanie hop into the truck and start pulling on her from the inside. It’s a bit of a struggle, but we finally get her in.
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