I tell her about my friend Julia and what her father did to her.
“But your father may not be anything like her father. You said he’s been trying to see you and calls and comes by all the time.”
Bridget starts in on another pancake. She stops only to take two large sips of orange juice. She gulps too fast. Some of it slides down the front of her shirt. She licks it off. “And look at my dad. He’s turning out to be pretty cool. Don’t forget that!”
“I don’t know—”
“I’d like to go,” she says, “to see the baby. Just think, Andi. He’s your little brother! I bet you never thought you’d have another one.”
I think of Alexander and my face turns pale.
“No, no, not that he’s going to take Alex’s place,” she says, and pats my arm. “But still, he’s a little baby brother. He’s never hurt anyone. Let’s at least go see him.”
It seems like an okay idea, and I am curious. It’s not going to change my feelings about my father, I’m sure of that. But it wouldn’t hurt to go see a little baby. It wouldn’t kill me.
“Okay,” I say, and put down my fork. I’ll eat later. There’s a lump in my throat, so food’s out of the question. There’s no way I can swallow right now.
Chapter Seventy-nine
When my mother drops us off at the hospital, I go to the desk and ask where the nursery is. I’m going to go there and see the baby, and then I’m going to call my mother and ask her to come right back and pick me up. So I’m not sure why I’m even here, except I can’t help myself. I do want to see the baby. It’s not his fault all this is happening. It’s not his fault his parents are disgusting.
The woman at the desk says the nursery is on the third floor. Bridget and I head to the elevators. There’s a long wait and then finally one shows up. We stand back and let everyone get off. It takes a while. There is a lady in a wheelchair and an elderly man trying to maneuver it. I never know if I should offer to help or not. Sometimes they get offended. I step back and give him plenty of room. Once everyone is off, we dash in and head to the third floor. My heart is pounding. I wonder what the baby looks like. Will he remind me of Alex? Oh please, don’t let him remind me of Alex. I’ll be a goner, guaranteed.
Bridget runs out of the elevator the minute the door opens. She’s racing down the hall like there’s a fire. I want to tell her to wait up, but everybody around me is being very quiet. There’s no way I can just yell out to her. I head toward the nursery. By now Bridget’s rounded the corner and is nowhere in sight. Someone takes hold of my elbow. I whirl around thinking maybe we’re not supposed to be here. I’m in for the shock of my life. It’s my father.
“Andi,” he says. Relief is stamped on his face like postage. He takes a deep sigh. My name slips out of his mouth again. “Andi.” He whispers it reverently, like he used to whisper Beth’s. A little shiver ripples up my spine and hugs my neck. He slips an arm around my shoulder.
“Oh, Andi,” he says. “You came.”
My father is elated to see me. He must be. His arm is warm as fresh toast and his smile could dazzle the sun.
“Well, I—I—just thought, I—I—”
My father nods his head. “I’m just so glad you’re here. Donna will be too.” His arm is still wrapped around my shoulder. He proceeds to walk me down the hall.
“We’re going to be a real family, again,” he says. “It’ll be different than last time. You’ll see.”
I stop in my tracks. My father nearly trips over his feet.
“No!” I say. “Nothing’s going to be better.” Suddenly I am filled with fear. I think of what Julia told me about her father and all of her disappointment through the years.
“Everything is ruined.” My voice cracks. I yank myself out of my father’s arms and will myself not to cry. “I don’t want this! I don’t want you and mom to be divorced! I don’t want you to be married to Donna! I don’t want you to have a new family! I don’t like where we’re at!” Now I’m positively shouting.
Some of the nurses in the hallway have heard me and are murmuring to themselves. My father takes one of my arms and pulls me to him gently. He puts one finger up to his lips, motioning me to keep it down.
“Sweetheart,” he says, “Where we’re at is all we’ve got. We need to make the most of it. There are no more yesterdays, Andi, but there are many, many tomorrows.” He cups my face in both his hands. “Let’s not ruin today, okay? Today we have a new baby—a new little life to bring some joy to.” My father gently touches the bandage over my stitches. He leans over and kisses the bandage. He is being so tender. He takes hold of my hands and gently squeezes them with his fingers. Maybe he does care. But how can I be sure? What if he really doesn’t? Maybe this is all an act. And maybe he’ll forget about me later, like Julia’s dad. How can I know? There’s just no guarantee.
My father lets go of my hands and wraps his arms around me. He holds me tighter than I ever remember him holding me before. “I love you, Andi,” he says. “I love you so much.” He says the word “so” like it’s five syllables long.
“Please be part of my new family, Andi. I need you.”
I’m trying to answer, but I’m crying too hard to make any other sound but sobs.
“It’s okay, baby,” my father says. He pats my back and hands me his hankie. It smells like Herrera for Men. It smells exactly like him. Like always.
“It’s going to be alright,” he says. “Life’s all about ups and downs, honey, but there are going to be many more high moments than low ones, I promise you that.”
How does he know that? How could he possibly know that? But somewhere in the middle of my heart, I’m hoping it’s true, that he does know. That he’s been around enough to know it’s true. And that makes me feel better and that makes me want to take a chance—to reconsider. I want my father back! And he’s here. His arms are around me. He’s patting my back and stroking my hair. And he’s talking to me, really talking to me. His mind isn’t a zillion miles away. He’s right here. I think about what Mrs. Temple said about making choices, “Don’t worry Andi, you can always change your mind.” I want to change my mind. I do! I do!
“Come on, Andi,” my father says. “Let’s go see your little brother.”
He takes my hand and together we walk down the hall. It’s not a long hallway, but it feels like it takes miles for us to get to where we’re going. I glance at the corridor in front of us and can see a sign flashing brightly: Your future, Andi. I blink my eyes and it’s gone as quickly as it appeared. But I’m certain it was there. I could see it so clearly. Your future, your future…
Finally, we turn the corner and walk up to the glass window outside the nursery. I take a deep breath and step forward. My eyes are closed tightly. I open them slowly and stare intently through the glass window and there he is—my little brother, my own little brother. He’s squirming and trying to fit his little fist into his mouth but he can’t find it. He starts to cry. He’s so beautiful, so absolutely, incredibly beautiful that I can’t say anything. I just stand there in my father’s arms and weep. And my father is holding me like he’ll never let me go. And I just don’t care that it might not be forever. I’m willing to take a chance. I need to take a chance. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So, I decide, right there in his arms, I am going to claim my father! Right now. Right this very minute. He is mine, mine, mine. But I am more than willing to share him. Oh, yes, I am happy to share him. I look at the baby and realize that there is enough love to reach around all of us and I start to cry harder. The baby is crying, and I am crying and I look up and my father is crying. But it is not sadness that surrounds us and encourages the tears to fall. It’s all that we have before us. It would make an ocean weep.
Chapter Eighty
I think I’ve grown up overnight. I feel sort of like I know what life’s finally about. It’s not about having an amazing voice. It’s about singing a song with the voice that you’ve got. It’s not about having a gorg
eous face. It’s about being beautiful with the face you were born with. It’s not about having a full house of cards. It’s about playing your best with the cards you’ve been dealt. All that you’ve got—you have to make the most of it. That’s what I’ve learned. It’s a big part of all that’s true. I’m convinced of it. I’m happy with it. I’m really happy with it.
And my mother’s happy. And Bridget’s happy. And Beth is totally happy. And my father’s happy. Everybody’s pretty happy. I’m weeding the herb garden Henry planted that keeps on keeping on. I’m just digging away and enjoying the harvest I’ll bring Rosa. She’ll clap her hands together and chatter away in Spanish. I look up at a sky so blue it could be an ocean—and out of this blue I consider something pretty profound. Maybe our own happiness isn’t supposed to be the main priority in our life. Maybe we’re supposed to bring happiness to someone else, and in the process we end up discovering our own. It’s something to think about.
I picture Henry and Bridget and Rosa and Beth and my mother and my father and Nana Louise and the new baby and Amy and Joshua; basically all the people that I love. The sun warms the back of my neck. I get up and stretch and brush the dirt off my knees. My heart is so full up—all this goodness wandering around in the world. Another person’s happiness; it’s definitely worth thinking about. The next time I’m sad, the next time my parents screw everything up, the next time some boy dumps on me, that’s what I’m going to think about, someone else who might be even sadder than me and what I can do about it.
Acknowledgments
Once again I am grateful to Ron Pitkin, president of Cumberland House. When I finished this manuscript I sent it to him to see what he thought. He informed me that Cumberland had been purchased by Sourcebooks, but he said that he’d forward it to the editor at Sourcebooks and take a look himself. After reading it, he contacted Sara Kase at Sourcebooks, telling her he enjoyed it immensely and highly recommended it. Sara read it and called it “an authentic coming-of-age tale with a terrific takeaway.” I owe both Ron and Sara my deepest gratitude for getting behind this book. Thank you ever so much! Sara is no longer with Sourcebooks and I miss her muchly and wish her all the best in her new endeavor.
The entire Sourcebooks staff worked diligently getting the manuscript ready for publication. My heartfelt thanks to each of you, especially Dominique Raccah, president of Sourcebooks, who warmly welcomed me into the Sourcebooks family and told me she “absolutely loved the title.” I want to also thank Heather Moore, my publicist, and Danielle Jackson, who assisted Heather during her maternity leave. In addition, I want to recognize Peter Lynch, Regan Fisher, and Kelly Bale for all their hard work. I couldn’t be in better hands.
I’ve been blessed with a new agent, Rachelle Gardner at Wordserve Literary. Thank you for working so hard on my behalf and for your endless faith in me. I appreciate you each and every day.
I couldn’t have finished this manuscript without my husband Robert, who put up with my tantrums when the writing was not going well. Thanks for your encouragement and for the Chinese takeout on the nights I wrote into the wee hours.
Extra warm wishes to my readers who send emails telling me how much they enjoy my work and to please keep writing. You bring much joy.
Always my best to the man upstairs. Thank you for all the blessings you’ve showered on me. I’m forever grateful and a firm believer that with you all things are possible.
Reading Group Guide
1. What are some of the emotions Andi experiences upon discovering her father is unfaithful?
2. Andi’s brother Alex is killed in a freak hazing incident. Why is she able to forgive his fraternity brothers when she learns there will be no real penalty?
3. With Bridget away at boarding school, Andi is concerned about Madeline intruding on their friendship. Is “three” always a crowd? Have you ever experienced difficulties with three people in a close friendship?
4. Andi discovers that Madeline is shoplifting and could easily get Bridget involved. Why doesn’t Andi “blow the whistle” and tell her mother?
5. Andi has trouble relating to her mother because of her drinking. What are some of the ways that her drinking short-changed Andi?
6. There are several themes portrayed throughout the book, such as the way people deal with grief, loss, and betrayal. How does Miles capture or express them? What are some of the scenes that come to mind?
7. Andi gets very involved in the lives of Mavis and Howard at the nursing home during the weeks she reads to them. What parts of her personality allows her to so easily get entangled?
8. Rosa ignores Andi’s mothers drinking. Is it to keep her job, or are there other factors involved?
9. Andi seems to have great insight into people and their motives. At one point when she is conflicted whether to tell the truth about the shoplifting she says, “All that’s true is sitting on the table like a delicious piece of pie, piping hot from the oven, warm and inviting, waiting for someone to take that first bite and say, yes, this is good, this is what dessert is all about.” What do you think she meant by that? Are there other areas of the book where this statement could ring true?
10. Andi is not overly excited when her mother goes to Peachford for alcohol treatment. Why is she so skeptical? Why does she bury herself in her schoolwork thinking getting better grades is the answer to her mother’s drinking?
11. Andi had a tumultuous summer. Discuss the different elements she had to deal with, including the death of Henry.
12. Once Andi’s mother is home from the hospital, she tells Andi she likes life so much better now that she’s sober. Andi gets very emotional and feels her “cup is running over.” What are some of the reasons Andi feels this way? What else is going on in her life?
13. Allison Whitley invites Andi to her house for dinner, where Andi gets the idea that Allison would be thrilled to pick out two free outfits from her and Bridget’s boutique. Allison asks, “What for?” and points to her closet. She’s perfectly happy with what she has. Andi says she herself has so much, but after watching Allison she is left feeling like she doesn’t have much at all. What is she referring to?
14. Andi has a love/hate relationship with her father. How did he contribute to those feelings? Do you feel he did his best to bond with Andi?
15. Bridget is Andi’s best friend but grows very close to Madeline while away at school. How did Andi and Bridget’s relationship change after that?
16. The counselor Andi goes to visit with at school assures Andi she can always change her mind about her father and what he has done, even though she can’t change any of the circumstances themselves. What factors helped Andi change her mind about her father?
17. If Andi’s father had not left her mother and married Donna, how do you see the story developing from there? Would Andi have come to the same conclusions about life and her position in it?
18. Beth’s sexual preferences change near the end of the novel. Were you surprised? Were their hints in the book that things could go in this direction?
19. Andi was very fond of Rosa and Henry, feeling they were family. How did each of them impact Andi’s life?
20. After Andi’s brother is killed, her mother struggles with alcoholism, and her father abandons them for another woman. Do you feel Andi was forced to grow up faster than her friends because of this?
21. What role did Vivian play in Andi’s life? At one point she soothes Andi on their cruise when Andi tells her she’s told her mother about the affair. She says not to worry, that her mother knew all along and didn’t let on because she was afraid Andi’s father would choose Donna over her. Vivian says now it’s her mother’s turn to step up to the bat. She says, “All games eventually need to be played to the end, Andi. Winner take all.” What did she mean by that?
22. Before Andi’s brother Alex is killed, he gets his girlfriend, Amy, pregnant. What do you think of his best friend marrying her? Do you think they’ll be happy?
23. Andi falls head over he
els in love with Rodney, who is far too old for her. What do you think convinced her that he felt the same way about her? Have you ever been in love with someone much older than yourself? Was that love reciprocated?
24. When Andi’s new little half-brother is born, he makes an enormous impression on her. Do you feel this alone was the reason she reconnected with her father or were there other factors involved?
25. In the end, Andi comes to the conclusion that maybe our own happiness isn’t supposed to be our main priority in life. How do you feel about that?
About the Author
Jackie Lee Miles, a resident of Georgia for over thirty-five years, hails from Wisconsin via South Dakota. She considers herself “a northern girl with a southern heart.” Her paternal grandfather was christened Grant Lee by her great-grandmother in honor of the many fallen soldiers on both sides of the Mason-Dixon Line.
Miles resides in Atlanta, Georgia, and Cape Canaveral, Florida, with her husband Robert, and she is a featured speaker at book clubs, schools, and writers’ workshops. When not writing or speaking, she tours with the Dixie Darlin’s, four nationally published book-writing belles who serve up helpings of down-home humor and warmth. When the Darlin’s come to town, they don’t just sign books; they give a lively presentation, peppered with advice, animation, and lots of anecdotes. For more information or to schedule an appearance, contact Karin Gillespie at [email protected].
You can write the author at [email protected], and you can visit her website at www.jlmiles.com.
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