by Nicki Elson
***
The next two weeks with David were blissful. He’d moved in with Beano for what remained of the semester, though he spent most nights at Jen’s apartment. It was funny how they fit so neatly together once they were finally honest with each other, and with themselves. It was natural. It was right. She felt guilty for being so happy after hurting D. She wanted to make sure he was okay, but knew he wouldn’t want to see her. When she tried to check on him via online social networks, she saw he’d unfriended and unfollowed her everywhere. She didn’t blame him.
David met Jen after class at the north end of campus. As they walked back to her apartment, hand in hand, a burly guy in a Sigma Chi sweatshirt moved along the grass toward them. Jen recognized too late that it was Big D. She dropped David’s hand, which only seemed to draw D’s attention.
He glanced at her; then his eyes swept to David, who’d placed his abandoned hand against the small of Jen’s back. D’s squared features went rigid. “I fucking knew there was someone else!”
Jen stepped forward, shaking David’s hand away. “D! No. It’s not like that.”
“Oh, really? Not like what? Not like you were just holding this guy’s hand—the guy you said you were only friends with? The guy you spent the night with in Springfield! What exactly isn’t this like?”
He huffed past them, purposely grazing David’s arm with his own, and kept walking. Jen intended to run after him to explain, but when she turned to David to tell him she’d catch up with him later, his stern look made her pause.
“Yeah, exactly what isn’t this like?” he asked. “Are we not together?”
“We’re together, I just…I didn’t want D to know.”
“Keeping you options open?” He let out a bitter grunt. “I told you there was no hurry to make your choice.”
Under the strain of instantly having two guys pissed off at her, Jen snapped. “Maybe if you’d have made your choice a long time ago, we wouldn’t have this problem. It’s not D’s fault you had to sleep your way around campus before deciding to steal his girlfriend!”
“Oh, did I steal you? Because you told me you’d already broken up.”
“We were broken up! But that doesn’t change how all of this must look to him. And besides, you didn’t know we were broken up when you came over to steal me.” She huffed, her anger spent, and stared at the grass. All she could see was D’s face. It wasn’t the fury in it that pinched at her heart; it was the pain.
When David spoke again, his voice was calm, conciliatory. “Are you sure you weren’t keeping your options open, in case things don’t work out with us?”
Jen lifted her eyes to him. She stepped close to mold her hands over his shoulders. “That’s not it. I promise. I just didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already have. I know things are going to work out with you and me. I don’t know how I know it, but I do.” The corners of her mouth twitched up. “Consider all this angst as part of your punishment for making me wait so damn long for you.”
“Part of my punishment?” He quirked a playful eyebrow.
“Hope you have a high tolerance for pain.” She winked.
He smiled, resting his forehead against hers. “Please tell me the other part involves you in a leather corset.”
The next day, Jen knocked on the door at Barton House. D’s roommate Matt answered, not meeting her eye when he told her to wait on the front stoop. He called for D, who came bounding down the stairs, stopping short when he saw Jen. His face drew into a stony mask as he stepped outside. He crossed his arms over his broad chest and leaned back on the black metal rail, boring a glare into her. His mouth pressed into a tight line.
“You have every right to be mad,” Jen said. “I’m not here to ask forgiveness, but I have to make sure you understand that I didn’t cheat on you. Nothing happened between David and me while you and I were dating. We really were only friends. We tried dating once, at the beginning of sophomore year, but it was a disaster. I swear I didn’t realize my feelings for him were anything more than friendship until after we got back from formal.”
D’s hard gaze shifted from Jen to something in the distance over her shoulder. The muscle at the back of his jaw pulsed while his mouth remained in the same tensed line. She understood his anger but couldn’t believe he wouldn’t even talk to her during what would probably be the last time they’d ever see each other.
“That’s all I wanted you to know,” she said, deciding she had no right to force him into a conversation. “I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time. Bye.” She turned and stepped onto the broken stone path that led to the sidewalk.
“He’s the one you had sex with.” The abrupt sound of his voice startled her.
She whipped around to face him, preferring his silence to this. Telling him the truth would hurt him more, but honesty was the only thing she had left to give him. “Yes. But it was like I told you—only an arrangement to help me get experience for when I met the right person.”
“And the right person just so happened to be him.”
“I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know until after you and I had broken up.”
“How can I believe anything you say? You told me you loved me—that was a lie.”
“When I said it, I honestly thought I meant it.”
“But then you realized you love him.” He winced, breaking Jen’s heart all over again. She took a step closer, but he held his hand up to stop her. “We weren’t meant to be together. That’s fine. It was better for you to pull the plug when you did instead of letting me get in any deeper. I just…I wish you’d never said you loved me. I really wish you hadn’t.”
Jen nodded a few times, blinking back the tears that stung to get out.
“I appreciate you coming by, and I sincerely wish you luck with this guy. But I have nothing left to say to you.” Without waiting for a response, he opened the door and disappeared inside the house.
Jen sulked the entire way to her apartment, where David waited for her. She found him slouched on the sofa, watching TV. She sank to sit next to him, resting her head at the crook of his neck.
He laid his hand on her back and began stroking. “How’d it go?”
“Fine. Not so good. I don’t know. He’s still mad and hurt. Mostly he just seems sad.” On the last word, her throat clenched. It was awful to be the reason D was hurting. He’d never been anything but wonderful to her. He didn’t deserve this. Hot tears sprang forward and rolled down her cheeks, spilling onto David’s shirt.
He let her stay silent while he played with the ends of her hair, pulling and tickling her scalp. As she melted into him, she was soothed by the rise and fall of his even breathing. Resting her chin on his chest, she looked up at him. “David, could we let Big D come over here and snuggle with you for a while? Maybe it’ll help him feel better, too.”
“Sure. I’ll scratch his back and we can watch brochaco movies together.”
Jen laughed but pressed her face against his chest. “Stop. I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to make fun of him.” After a few quiet moments, she asked, “Is this how you feel about Ellie? You two were together a lot longer than me and D, and you lived together. Do you feel horribly guilty?”
“I don’t know. Not really, but maybe I should. We were a sorry excuse for a couple, but I could’ve been more sensitive in how I ended it. Though it’s hard for me to imagine Ellie’s wallowing about anything. Not sure her emotional range extends far beyond hostility. Can I ask you a personal question about D?”
“Sure.”
“The nickname, Big D. There’re rumors around campus about the accuracy of—”
Jen knew what he was getting at and didn’t wait for him to finish. “Oh, it’s enormous.”
“Define enormous.”
“It’s like a meatloaf.”
David let out a groan and she looked up in time to see his head flop onto the back of the couch. He stared at the ceiling.
“Don’t ask if you d
on’t want to know,” she giggled.
David tilted his head and smiled down at her, touching the side of her face and tickling his thumb over her lips. “They’re both going to be fine, you know.”
Jen sighed her yes.
Keeping his eyes locked onto hers, he told her, “I’d never be fine without you. I never was.”
Jen turned her face and kissed the palm of his hand. She knew he was right. As bad as she felt for hurting D, she was exactly where she was supposed to be. She belonged with David.
The End
A Peek inside David’s Head
During Chapter 9 of Big D: Senior Year
(Three Daves, Part 3)
He’s going to fuck her. She got all dressed up for him, and he’s going to tear her clothes off, and she’s going to smile up at him, and he’s going to fuck her. And there’s nothing I can do about. God, why does this hurt so much? It’s not like I didn’t already know this would happen.
Fucking Mitchell. Fucking Instagram. Why did he have to show me that picture and ask if it was Jen? I tried to shrug it off and not think about it, but I know Jen. She wants her “real” first time to be special. Special as in dressing up for this big, fancy formal. Special as in with someone like D. Perfect fucking D. At least he deserves her.
I walk into my house. Ellie’s there.
“Did you call them back yet?” she asks in her nasally voice.
I’ve grown to hate that voice. I tried to love her; I really did. But it’s impossible. She has no heart, no ability to love. She only knows how to control and abuse.
I walk past her into the kitchen.
I used to have a soft spot for her—the angry stray kitten no one wanted for a pet. I thought I could bring out more of her softer side, but that part of her was an illusion. I’d only been kidding myself. Not anymore.
“Did you?" she demands. She’s talking about a company out west that wants to set up a second round of interviews.
I grab a carton of orange juice from the fridge and swig it right from the box. Ellie’s voice is going again. It’s an angry droning that buzzes like static. I don’t understand a word.
She’s all dress up for him at this very moment. She never got dressed up for me. She never had to. She’s beautiful in anything. She’s beautiful in nothing. God! Why does this hurt so much?
Ellie walks into the kitchen. She's glaring at me. I turn toward her with my mouth gaping half open and juice slopped over my lips. I’m sure I look like an idiot.
"Jesus, David! Have you heard anything I’ve said to you?"
I look right at her, but I don’t see her. I see Jen. She’s looking up at Big D. She’s smiling at him. She’s telling him she loves him. She’s going to let him fuck her. He’s going to be inside her. I can’t stand it. I absolutely can’t fucking stand it!
Ellie’s an angry bee buzzing around me. She’s trying to sting me, but I don’t give a rat’s ass about her. She won’t shut up. I have to get the fuck away from her. I have to get the fuck away right fucking now. I grab my keys off the table by the door and get in my car. Ellie’s on the front step screeching at me. I don’t give a fuck about her. I start the car and leave. I’m getting the fuck out of here.
I’m driving, just driving with the Replacements blaring on the stereo. The next thing I know, I’m on the interstate, looking at big green signs for Indianapolis. One hundred miles. I hope this piece of shit can make it. I’m going for Jen. I have to. I have to tell her how I feel right now. She should have all the facts before she makes her choice. If she knows I love her and still doesn’t want me, at least I'll know I’ve done all I can, and maybe I can have some peace.
I’m such a fucking moron. I should’ve told her as soon as I realized this wasn't going away. Back in Springfield. There’s no way she was in love with D then. She wouldn’t have kissed me like that if she’d been in love with someone else. But I was so scared. Scared shitless. I’m still scared, but now I know I’m ready. I’m totally ready for Jen, and I won’t hurt her. I can’t. She’s the only one I’ll ever want. She’s the only one I’ve truly wanted for a long, long time.
I wish I would’ve broken up with Ellie before I left. It's over with her. It’s been over for a while. Still, I wish I would’ve made it official before I left. But I couldn’t spend another second in that house. Not while D’s with my girl.
I wonder if they’ve already done it. I wonder if D’s going to take her before they even go to the stupid party. That’s not the way Jen would want it. She’d want to have their big, romantic evening together and then go back and…and…gugh! My stomach starts to boil. I’m not driving like a maniac just to tell her how I feel. I want to get there in time to stop them. I couldn’t believe it when she told me at the gym that she still hadn’t slept with him. She was still waiting. It was crazy how happy that made me. I didn’t realize it then, but it had given me a tiny, ridiculous, stupid, fucking hope that maybe somehow she knew she should wait for me.
Piece of crap’s holding up okay. Forty miles left to go.
I know she’s going to pick me. I know it. She just doesn’t know it yet. She doesn’t have all the information. Or am I just convincing myself because I can’t stand to think of the alternative? A future without Jen. I can’t see it. It’s not possible. But I’m not fricking brain dead. I know it is a possibility. But I just…I don't see her with D. Not forever. I can’t believe she's really in love with him. But who am I kidding? Why wouldn’t she be in love with him? Shit, I’m half in love with him; he’s so fucking perfect.
I went to church last Sunday looking for some peace, looking for some answers. Staying with Ellie made it easier for me to keep away from Jen, but being with Ellie was getting harder and harder. And I wasn’t sure staying away from Jen was the right thing anymore. I knew D was good for her—I still know D’s good for her—but I just couldn’t believe my feelings for her would stay so strong if she was supposed to be with someone else. I went to church to pray, and I expected God to tell me to run straight to her. That’s what I wanted.
I saw her sitting toward the front of the auditorium. Next to D. There was my sign. She was there. I’d ask to talk to her privately after Mass and I’d tell her everything. But D leaned down and whispered in her ear. She looked up at him and smiled and squeezed his arm. He bent down and kissed her on her forehead. They looked happy. They looked sweet. She looked happy. I took that as a sign that I was supposed to stay the fuck away from her. I ditched out during communion, before I’d have to watch them smile at each other again. I was fucking miserable. I’m miserable now as I remember it.
I took seeing them together on Sunday as a sign that I should stay away from her, but I’m taking today’s psychotic episode as a sign that I’d better tell her how I feel ASAP or else go fucking insane.
I’m approaching the exit. Shit. I’ve suddenly got a strange feeling in my gut. Like I shouldn’t do this. Like I shouldn’t storm in on Jen and D.
I reach downtown Indy. Not nearly as big as Chicago, but there are plenty of buildings. Seems like more are popping up as I drive on. A lot of hotels. A lot of fucking hotels. Fuck! I left my phone on the kitchen counter. I have no idea which hotel this party’s at and now I have no way of finding out. Did Mitchell say the name of the hotel when he showed me the picture? I'm racking my brain, but I can't think of the name of one damn place.
I find a parking spot and walk to the closest hotel. I ask about the Sigma Chi function. The guy at the desk has no idea what I’m talking about and doesn’t offer to try to find any info. I walk around some more, cover blocks and blocks but don’t go in or ask anyone else. Nobody’s going to know. The more I walk, the more I realize this is Jen’s big night. The night she’s been looking forward to for a long time. I can’t ruin that for her. I have no right. I’m still going to tell her how I feel—I have to—but I’ll do it quietly, after she gets back to campus. I won’t put her on the spot. I’ll let her have her night.
Okay, decision’s made. I’
ll just get back in the car, drive home, and wait. Wait for D to fuck my girl.
I can’t make myself get into the car. My legs are lead, and they won’t lift to step in. I can’t do it. I leave the car parked where it’s at and wander the sidewalks of downtown Indianapolis some more. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, because I know in the end, she’s going to pick me. It might take her a while to figure that out, especially after tonight, but eventually, we’ll be together. We have to be. That’s all that matters.
Maybe if she sleeps with D, it’ll help balance out my multitude of indiscretions. In a way, it’ll actually be a good thing. I’m telling myself that, but I don’t believe me. The thought of them together makes me physically ill. Jen with D. Him touching her. Her touching him. I could seriously spew chunks all over the sidewalk right now if I’d let myself. It’s going to kill me to walk away. I don’t know if I can do it.
I sit down on a bench in front of a fountain. It’s a plaza outside some big hotel. I stare into the water. I watch it cascade into the shallow pool and think about washing Jen’s hair. Cleansing her of David. Stupidest fucking thing I ever did. I should’ve kept me on her and in her and never let her look at another guy.
But I wasn’t ready for her then. I would’ve hurt her. I've watched Jen break. I didn’t like it, and I won’t do it again.
So that’s it. I’m not going to bust up her party with D. I’m going to give him his fair shot, and I’ll take mine later, quietly. I'll let Jen make her choice without pressure so she’ll know it’s the right choice. At least this way, I’ll be able to do things properly and break up with Ellie first.
I get up from the bench to make the torturous walk back to my car. I pass the glass doors at the hotel entrance and notice a big sign just inside: Welcome CIU Sigma Chi’s. Holy shit. This is the place. I force my legs to keep moving and walk quickly up the street, away, before I change my mind.