by Cary McNeal
Susan Wilson, “Update: Abuse Expert Arrested on Abuse Charge Releases Statement,” Tampa Bay’s 10 News, www.wtsp.com.
Melanie Brooks, “Author Under Arrest Talks Exclusively with 10 News,” 10Connects.com, www.wtsp.com.
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FACT : A retired teacher in California admits that he taught high school for seventeen years without knowing how to read or write. Neither could his students, so it all worked out.
Charisse Yu, “Retired Teacher Reveals He Was Illiterate Until Age 48,” 10 News San Diego, February 14, 2008, www.10news.com.
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FACT : A man nearly died at an airport security checkpoint in Nuremberg in 2007 after drinking a full liter of vodka rather than surrendering it before taking his flight. The man became severely impaired and had to be taken to a hospital and treated for alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately, he was one of the pilots, so the flight was delayed until someone else could be called in to take his place.
Associated Press, “Man Chugs Down Liter of Vodka in Airport Line,” USA Today, December 12, 2007, www.usatoday.com.
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FACT : In 2004, a Syracuse, New York woman required emergency surgery and hospitalization after the bit of a dentist’s drill flew off and lodged near her eye. At the time of the accident, her dentist was dancing to the song “Car Wash” on the radio. The patient later sued the dentist for more than half a million dollars. The story has a happy ending. The patient is fine and the dentist got his wish: he’s working at the car wash.
Associated Press, “Disco-Dancing Dentist Sued for Drilling Disaster,” MSNBC.com, November 2, 2007, www.msnbc.msn.com.
FACT : A California dentist, Dr. Mark Anderson, was accused in 2007 of fondling the breasts of twenty-seven patients. Although he claimed that these “chest massages” were an effective treatment for TMJ, Anderson was later convicted of eleven counts of felony sexual battery. Now he’s working at the car wash with the other ex-dentist, presumably as a wax applicator. Wax on, wax off.
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Associated Press, “Dentist Accused of Fondling Female Patients Argues Massages Appropriate,” ABC Local News, http://abclocal.go.com.
Hudson Sangree, “Woodland Dentist Mark Anderson Found Guilty in Fondling Case,” Sacramento Bee, www.sacbee.com.
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FACT : A New York man faced arrest in Times Square in 2004 for doing nothing. A police officer charged Matthew Jones with “disorderly conduct” because “numerous pedestrians in the area had to walk around him.” Jones maintains he was simply “standing around” talking to friends. If standing around doing nothing is a crime, I know a lot of people who should be in jail.
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FACT : A woman in Pennsylvania was cited for disorderly conduct in 2008 for swearing at an overflowing toilet. The off-duty police officer who lived next door took offense at the language. If he thought the language was offensive, he should’ve seen what was clogging the toilet.
Associated Press, “Scranton Woman Who Swore at Toilet Settles Lawsuit,” Pennlive.com, October 22, 2008, www.pennlive.com.
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FACT : 40 percent of women admit that they have thrown footwear at a man. Women love shoes, so if she’s willing to hurl one at you, you know she’s pissed.
Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love, and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).
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FACT : A Nevada couple were charged in 2007 with child neglect after their kids became malnourished while the couple played online video games for days at a time. Their eleven-month-old’s hair was so matted her head had to be shaved, and her twenty-two-month-old brother had difficulty walking due to lack of muscle development. Video games may or may not be addictive, but being an asshole certainly is.
Associated Press, “Parents Neglect Starved Babies to Feed Video Game Addiction,” Fox News, July 14, 2007, www.foxnews.com.
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FACT : In 2005, a fifty-seven-year-old woman gave birth to her own granddaughter, a baby conceived with an egg donated by her twenty-seven-year-old daughter. Let me guess: Arkansas?
Lucy Lawrence, “Woman of 57 Who Gave Birth to Her Own Granddaughter,” Sunday Mirror, August 14, 2005.
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FACT : In 2007 a British climber reached the summit of Mt. Everest, but ran out of air during his descent. As many as forty climbers passed the dying man, unwilling to risk using up their own oxygen to help him. They’ll need it in Hell.
Associated Press, “As Others Pass, Climber Dies Alone on Mount Everest,” ESPN, May 27, 2006, http://sports.espn.go.com.
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FACT : In 2006, Claude Allen, a former domestic policy adviser for President George Bush, was charged for stealing $5,000 worth of items from several Washington DC-area stores. It sounds worse than it was. All he stole was a coat rack from Pottery Barn and a set of bookends from Restoration Hardware.
John Files and Robert Pear, “Former White House Aide Is Arrested on Theft Charges,” New York Times, March 11, 2006, www.nytimes.com.
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FACT : A former U.S. soldier who was wounded in Iraq was billed for his bloody body armor that was discarded as a biohazard. The man, who left the Army because of his injury, had to borrow $700 from friends to make the payment before the Army would discharge him. Oh, and thanks for serving!
Allison Barker for the Associated Press, “Wounded Soldier Made To Pay For Armor Pulled Off His Bleeding Body,” The Huffington Post, February 8, 2006, www.huffingtonpost.com.
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FACT : Multimillionaire David Pizer has arranged to freeze his body in liquid nitrogen when he dies in hopes of being brought back to life someday. Pizer has also left his entire fortune to himself. I hope he’s not counting on his heirs to unfreeze him.
James Langton, “Rich Freeze Their Assets for Chance to Live Again,” Telegraph UK, January 30, 2006, www.telegraph.co.uk.
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FACT : A French woman who survived the first face transplant in history in 2006 took up smoking again once she regained feeling in her mouth and lips. She spent months in the hospital and had umpteen surgeries after having half of her face chewed off by her dog while she was passed out after attempting suicide with a handful of sleeping pills. Let the woman have a damn cigarette.
Ariane Bernard and Craig S. Smith, “French Face-Transplant Patient Tells of Her Ordeal,” New York Times, February 7, 2006, www.nytimes.com.
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FACT : In 2006, a forty-one-year-old British woman married what she called “the love of my life”: a male dolphin named Cindy. The woman had met Cindy fifteen years before and said it was “love at first sight.” I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting, the marriage or the fact that someone would name a male dolphin “Cindy.”
Associated Press, “With This Herring I Thee Wed,” MSNBC.com, Jan. 3, 2006, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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FACT : To fight loneliness, one Navy wife in Georgia purchased a mannequin dressed like a sailor in 2005 to stand in for her husband, who was serving at sea. The woman takes the mannequin to dinner, movies, and shopping. Okay, if your wife can replace you with a mannequin and be happy, you must be one boring motherfucker.
“Navy Wife Finds a New Man-Nequin,” MSNBC.com, December 14, 2005, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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FACT : A prominent cause of divorce among older Japanese couples is “retired husband syndrome.” Doctors first described the syndrome when wives began showing irritability, ulcers, rashes, and other stress symptoms when made to manage their recently retired husbands who have nothing to do but bark orders at them all day long. By the time you read this, “retired husband syndrome” wil
l have been renamed “dead retired husband syndrome.”
“Retired Husband Syndrome,” ABC News, January 11, 2006, http://abcnews.go.com.
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FACT : A gunshot wound in his leg didn’t keep a Tampa, Florida pizza delivery man from finishing his rounds in 2005. Dedication to his work compelled Thomas Stefanelli to deliver four more pizzas before calling for help after being shot in a robbery attempt. Tom came in second in the Employee Of The Year contest, edged out by a co-worker who refused bathroom access to a guy who wasn’t a paying customer.
Associated Press, “Bullet Won’t Stop This Pizza Delivery Man,” MSNBC.com, June 8, 2005, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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FACT : Purdue University researchers say most drivers have no problem exceeding the speed limit by up to 20 mph and see no risk in doing so. You know who will be glad to hear this? Sammy Hagar.
Keith Barry, “Study Shows Drivers Feel Free to Ignore Speed Limits.” Wired.com, November 14, 2008, www.wired.com.
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FACT : Trichotillomania is a behavioral disorder that makes people rip their own hair out, pulling it from the scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, and more, with bald patches as result. The condition affects as many as 9 million Americans; 90 percent of adult sufferers are women. All of them mothers, I bet.
“What Is Compulsive Hair Pulling?,” Trichotillomania Learning Center, www.trich.org.
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FACT : Chronic skin picking (CSP) is a serious but largely misunderstood human behavioral problem. CSP sufferers obsessively pick, scratch, and rub their skin, often in an attempt to remove small irregularities or perceived imperfections. This behavior can result in skin discoloration, scarring, or even severe tissue damage. Chronic nit-picking (CNP) is a serious but largely tolerated human behavioral problem. CNP sufferers obsessively pick, nag, harangue, and correct others, particularly spouses, children, and coworkers, often in an attempt to remove small irregularities or perceived imperfections.
“What Is Chronic Skin Picking?,” Trichotillomania Learning Center, www.trich.org.
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FACT : People who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) suffer from mood instability, troubled personal relationships, and an inability to control their emotions and impulses. BPD affects up to 10 percent of all patients under psychiatric care. And about 80 percent of psychiatrists giving that care.
Andreas Meyer-Lindenberg, “The Roots of Problem Personalities,” Scientific American, April 2009, www.sciam.com.
“Borderline Personality Disorder,” National Institute Of Mental Health, www.nimh.nih.gov.
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FACT : Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) is an extremely rare brain disorder that causes sufferers to speak involuntarily in a foreign accent. The illness is the result of trauma affecting the area of the brain that controls speech. I think my hillbilly cousin has this. Every once in a while he’ll say something that sounds vaguely like English.
Andrea Canning, “Foreign Accent Syndrome Gives Sufferers an International Sound,” ABC News, November 13, 2008, http://abcnews.go.com.
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FACT : The rare neurological disorder Alien Hand Syndrome (AHS) causes the sufferer’s hands to move independently, without his control over the action. People with AHS have been known to punch or choke themselves and tear at their clothing without meaning to do so, and may even need to use the healthy hand to curb the alien hand. The condition typically arises after trauma to the brain, brain surgery, or stroke. “Let’s all give it up for E.T.!” (audience applauds). That’s what I thought Alien Hand Syndrome was.
“Definition of Alien hand syndrome,” Medicine.net, December 15, 2000, www.medterms.com.
Charles W. Bryant, “How Alien Hand Syndrome Works,” HowStuffWorks.com, www.health.howstuffworks.com.
“Alien Hand Syndrome: Nerve Impulses Can Cause Movement Even When Person Is Unaware,” Science Daily, July 17, 2007, www.sciencedaily.com.
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FACT : The Bible is the most shoplifted book. At least the right people are getting it.
Jerry MacGregor and Marie Prys, 1001 Surprising Things You Should Know about the Bible (Fall River Press, 2006).
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FACT : People with Cotard’s syndrome can suffer from a variety of delusions, which range from a belief that they are missing body parts or vital organs to thinking that they are dead, have lost their soul, or do not even exist. The illness is found mostly in individuals with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. You have to exist to be able to think you don’t exist, DUH! Schizos are stupid.
J. Pearn and C. Gardner– Thorpe, “Jules Cotard (1840–1889): His life and the unique syndrome which bears his name,” Neurology, May 14, 2002, 1400–1403, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.
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FACT : People who experience Capgras’ delusion are convinced that others, usually those closest to them, have been replaced by identical impostors.
The condition affects both sexes, but occurs more frequently in women. Particularly when their husbands make dinner or take the kids to the park without being asked.
H. D. Ellis and others, “Reduced autonomic responses to faces in Capgras delusion,” Proceedings, Biological Sciences, July 22, 1997, 1085–1092, www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov.
“Capgras Syndrome,” Disorder Info Sheet, Psychnet.com, www.psychnet-uk.com.
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FACT : Piblokto, or Arctic hysteria, is a mental disorder that affects people living in the Arctic Circle, typically Inuit women. It is marked by frenzied, disturbed behavior such as uncontrolled screaming, running wildly, or removing one’s clothing in frigid weather; memory loss; seizures; and other symptoms reminiscent of epilepsy. They also drink a shitload of tequila, which doesn’t help.
Emilio F. Moran and Rhonda Gillett-Netting, Human Adaptability: An Introduction to Ecological Anthropology, 2nd ed. (Westview Press, 2000).
“Arctic Hysteria,” Sarah Efron, Journalist, July/August 2003, www.sarahefron.com.
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FACT : Exploding Head Syndrome is a rare phenomenon in which a person approaching deep sleep experiences a loud bang in his head that sounds like a bomb exploding or similarly loud noise. Though the event seems to originate from inside the head, it is an illusion and does no physical damage to its victim. Exploding Head Syndrome sounds a lot like a hangover.
“Exploding Head Syndrome,” American Sleep Association, September, 2007, www.sleepassociation.org.
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FACT : Body Integrity Identity Disorder, also known as Amputee Identity Disorder, is a psychological condition that causes sufferers to seek amputations for cosmetic reasons: they want their bodies to match the idealized image they have of themselves as amputees. Doctors are stumped as to the cause of the disorder. They continue the necessary legwork to arm themselves with the facts before they will go out on a limb and theorize about causation, as they are determined not to come up short and have their efforts cut off at the knees.
“Body Integrity Identity Disorder,” Body Integrity Identity Disorder, www.biid.org.
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FACT : In April 2009, a Louisiana man was arrested for stabbing his sixty-three-year-old brother after the two argued over a can of pork and beans. The victim was treated for multiple stab wounds to his arm and shoulder. The two men had been drinking when the fight began. Alcohol and beans—always a recipe for trouble.
“Man Allegedly Stabs Brother Over Pork and Beans,” Yahoo News, April 16, 2009, www.news.yahoo.com.