by Cary McNeal
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709
FACT : Ancient Egyptian court records dating to 1500 B.C. include the world’s oldest recorded death sentence. A teenaged male convicted of “magic” was ordered to kill himself by either poison or stabbing. Good. Magicians should be killed. Jugglers and mimes, too. And clowns for sure.
Charles Panati, Panati’s Extraordinary Endings of Practically Everything and Everybody (New York: Harper & Row, 1989).
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710
FACT : The Classic Mayan civilization thrived for over 600 years before collapsing abruptly in the ninth century. The cause of their extinction is unknown, and still debated today, more than 1,100 years later. By nerds with nothing better to do.
Frank Joseph, ed., Unearthing Ancient America: The Lost Sagas of Conquerors, Castaways, and Scoundrels (Franklin Lakes, NJ: New Page Books, 2009).
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711
FACT : Poor Aztec peasants picked lice from their bodies and offered that to the king when they had no gold to give. Even the Aztecs knew that gifts that you make are so much more thoughtful than others.
Bruce Felton and Mark Fowler, Felton & Fowler’s More Best, Worst, and Most Unusual (New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Company, 1976).
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712
FACT : Russia was founded in the ninth century by Vikings traveling between Scandinavia and the Byzantine Empire; the nation began as essentially a by-product of their slave raids. The United States began as a by-product of Christopher Columbus not knowing where the hell he was going.
“Slavery,” Encyclopædia Britannica, 15th ed.
FACT : Every day, Martin Luther ate a spoonful of his own excrement. He wrote praises to God for his generosity in giving man such an important and useful remedy. CUT TO: God, laughing His ass off.
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713
Rose George, The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).
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714
FACT : Vikings sent eighty “dragon ships” outfitted with 100 soldiers each, in a single raid on Britain around the year 1000. The King of England usually asked for a red shirt when he saw an enemy ship approaching, so that if he was wounded in battle and bled, his men would not notice. When he saw the eighty Vikings ships coming, however, the King asked for his brown pants.
Isaac Asimov, ed., Isaac Asimov’s Book of Facts (Hastings House, 1979).
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715
FACT : In 1014, the original London Bridge was destroyed by Saxons, who rowed warships up the river Thames, attached cables to the bridge, and pulled it down as they rowed away. It took awhile. They started pulling in 1012.
Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett, Just Curious, Jeeves: What Are the 1001 Most Intriguing Questions Asked on the Internet? (Emeryville, CA: Ask Jeeves Inc., 2000).
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716
FACT : King John of England died in 1216 from overeating. There wasn’t much else to do in 1216.
Geoff Tibballs, ed., The Ultimate Lists Book (Carlton Books, Bristol, 1998).
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717
FACT : During the bloody thirty-eight-year reign of Henry VIII (1509–1547), an estimated 57,000 to 72,000 English subjects lost their heads. They never found them, either.
Julia Layton, “Top 10 Heads That Rolled During the Reign of Henry VIII,” HowStuffWorks.com, www.howstuffworks.com.
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718
FACT : In 1517, Spanish missionary Bartolomé de Las Casas, disgusted by the enslavement of Native Americans by Spanish colonizers, suggested bringing Africans to the New World as slaves instead. De Las Casas also suggested that Spain start its own Inquisition and send its Armada to invade England. Then they shot him before he could make any other suggestions.
David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace, The People’s Almanac #2 (New York: Bantam Books, 1978).
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719
FACT : Roughly 7–10 million slaves were kidnapped from Africa and brought to the Americas. Oops. Our bad.
David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace, The People’s Almanac #2 (New York: Bantam Books, 1978).
“Slavery,” Encyclopædia Britannica, 15th ed.
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720
FACT : In the process of divorcing Catherine of Aragon and marrying Anne Boleyn, his mistress, Henry VIII ordered the beheadings of many who questioned his motives, including political leaders, high-ranking church officials, two of his six wives, and countless members of his royal court. Know what would have been funny? If all the lopped-off heads woke up and started right back to bitching at Henry about his divorce.
Julia Layton, “Top 10 Heads That Rolled During the Reign of Henry VIII,” HowStuffWorks.com, www.howstuffworks.com.
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721
FACT : St. Edmund the Martyr, King of East Anglia, was killed by the Vikings in 869 after they defeated his army. According to legend, Edmund’s executioners either “spread-eagled” him, prying open his ribs and exposing his still-breathing lungs, or whipped him, shot him with arrows, and eventually chopped off his head. “Hmm,” said Edmund, upon hearing his choices, “is there by chance a third option?”
Ian Crofton, Brewer’s Cabinet of Curiosities (Cassell, 2006).
“St. Edmund The Martyr,” Catholic Encyclopedia, www.newadvent.org.
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722
FACT : After victory in battle, Vikings drank the blood of vanquished enemies from human skulls, hence the Scandinavian toast, “Skol!” Is there really any other way to drink blood?
Bruce Felton and Mark Fowler, Felton & Fowler’s More Best, Worst, and Most Unusual (New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Company, 1976).
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723
FACT : Pope John XII was deposed by Roman Emperor Otto I in 963 for raping female pilgrims to St. Peter’s, stealing church offerings, drinking toasts to the devil, and invoking the aid of pagan gods when playing dice. John XII reportedly died from a stroke while in bed with a married woman. Pope John XII: “What?! You’re firing me? What’d I do?” That’s what fired people always say. Like it’s a surprise.
Simon Adams and Lesley Riley, eds., Reader’s Digest Facts & Fallacies (Pleasantville, NY: Reader’s Digest Association 1988).
Eamon Duffy, Saints & Sinners: A History of the Popes, 3rd ed. (Yale University Press, 2006).
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724
FACT : After the French town of Beziers fell during the bloody Albigensian Crusade in 1209, the victorious Church-sanctioned army was faced with the problem of how to distinguish the town’s heretics from Christians. One of their leaders reportedly said, “Kill them all, for the Lord will know his own,” and thousands of citizens were slaughtered. And you thought the Marines came up with that saying.
Isaac Asimov, ed., Isaac Asimov’s Book of Facts (Hastings House, 1979).
“Beziers,” France And Beyond, www.franceandbeyond.co.uk.
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725
FACT : When red precipitation fell on Paris on Easter Sunday in 582, terrified French believed that it was raining blood, a sign of divine displeasure. Theories suggest that the “rain” was red sand particles stirred by strong windstorms in the Sahara and blown across the Mediterranean Sea into Europe. At least it wasn’t raining men. That would have been worse.
Randy Cerveny, Freaks of the Storm: From Flying Cows to Stealing Thunder, the World’s Strangest True Weather Stories (Thunder’s Mouth Press, 2005).
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726
FACT : George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew marijuana on their plantations. George called his “Mt. Burnin’” and Tom’s was known as “Monticello Mellow.”
North American Industrial Hemp Council, www.naihc.org.
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727
FACT : Patrick Henry, the colonial American leader famous for saying, “Give me liberty, or give me death,” owned sixty-five slaves when he died in 179
9. “Or give me just a second to come up with a new line.”
David Wallechinsky, Irving Wallace, and Amy Wallace, The Book of Lists (New York: Bantam Books, 1977).
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728
FACT : In 1732, England’s King George II gave General James Oglethorpe a charter to create a new colony in America where imprisoned British debtors could be relocated so that they might start new lives and become self-sufficient. That colony became the state of Georgia. They should’ve stayed in prison.
Alexander Hewatt, An Historical Account of the Rise and Progress of the Colonies of South Carolina and Georgia (BiblioBazaar, 2007), 24.
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729
FACT : By 1837, the Andrew Jackson administration removed 46,000 Native Americans from the Eastern United States, freeing up to 25 million acres for white settlement. The whiteys immediately built an Olive Garden, a Crate & Barrel, three golf courses, and eighteen Starbucks.
“Indian removal,” PBS.org, www.pbs.org.
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730
FACT : The Indian removal put in place by President Andrew Jackson forced the Cherokee nation to vacate the southern U.S. and move west to what is now Oklahoma. Their long journey in 1838–1839 was dubbed the “Trail Of Tears” after it claimed the lives of 4,000 Cherokee—almost a third of their population—from hunger, disease, and exhaustion. I’d rather die than live in Oklahoma, too.
“Indian removal,” PBS.org, www.pbs.org.
“The Trail of Tears,” PBS.org, www.pbs.org.
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731
FACT : Roman Emperor Gaius (Caligula) was so proud of his horse that he gave the animal a position in the Senate. This practice continues today in America, but we only let the horse’s ass in the Senate, not the entire animal.
Facts Library, www.factlib.com.
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732
FACT : By the Civil War’s end in 1865, victorious Union general Ulysses S.
Grant owned four slaves, whom he refused to free. Confederate General Robert E. Lee had freed his slaves in the late 1840s. Grant: “Wait. We were fighting for what?”
Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett, Just Curious, Jeeves: What Are the 1001 Most Intriguing Questions Asked on the Internet? (Emeryville, CA: Ask Jeeves Inc., 2000).
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733
FACT : In 1898, the American battleship USS Maine blew up in Havana harbor, Cuba, killing 266 American servicemen. The American media blamed Spanish forces and helped create a frenzy that ultimately led to the Spanish-American war. Yet, no terrorist activity was ever proven, and today, many researchers believe the explosion was accidental. Oops.
Alan Axelrod, Profiles in Folly: History’s Worst Decisions and Why They Went Wrong (Sterling Publishing Company, 2008), 72.
“The Destruction of USS Maine,” Department Of The Navy, Naval Historical Center, www.history.navy.mil.
“Yellow Journalism,” PBS.org, www.pbs.org.
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734
FACT : In May 1902, volcanic activity on the Caribbean island of Martinique drove more than a hundred fer-de-lance snakes into the town of St.Pierre, where the large, venomous reptiles killed fifty people and hundreds of animals. Fer-de-love of God, do they not have cats on that island?
David Wallechinsky, The New Book of Lists: The Original Compendium of Curious Information (Canongate U.S., 2005).
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735
FACT : In 1919, a large tank of molasses burst in Boston’s North End, causing a deadly wave of molasses to flow through the streets at an estimated 35 mph, killing 21 people and injuring 150 more. The victims knew the wave was coming, but probably figured they had plenty of time to escape. I mean, come on, it’s molasses.
Stephen Puleo, Dark Tide (Beacon Press, 2004).
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736
FACT : India tested its first nuclear bomb in 1974. Indian food sets off a few bombs of its own.
“Nuclear Proliferation,” U.S. Department Of Energy, Office Of History & Heritage, www.doe.gov.
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737
FACT : From 1915 to 1918, 2 million Armenians in Turkey were slaughtered or deported from their historic Asia Minor homeland by the Turkish government, which also demolished ancient cities, architecture, and records, removing nearly all traces of the 3,000-year-old civilization. ”Would you like to be slaughtered or deported?” “Hmm, let me think. I guess I’ll go with deported.”
“Armenian Genocide,” The Armenian Genocide Museum-Institute, www.genocide-museum.am.
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738
FACT : The German luxury ship St. Louis sailed to North America in 1939, carrying more than 900 European Jews seeking safe refuge from Germany’s Nazi government. The ship was turned away by both Cuba and the United States and returned to Europe, where many of the fleeing Jews were later captured and executed by the Nazis. You’ve heard of FDR’s New Deal. This was the Raw Deal.
“The Tragedy Of The St. Louis,” Chapter 113, The American Jewish Historical Society, www.ajhs.org.
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739
FACT : An estimated 7 million people died during the Ukraine famine of 1932–1933, about 25,000 a day at its peak.
The famine was engineered by Joseph Stalin to destroy the region’s drive for independence.
“Ukrainian Genocide of 1932– 1933,” Ukrainian Genocide Famine Foundation-USA, Inc., www.ukrainiangenocide.com.
“Ukranian Famine,” Ibiblio.org, www.ibiblio.org.
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740
FACT : By the end of World War II in 1945, nearly all of Europe’s Jewish population had been wiped out by the Holocaust: 4 million in Adolf Hitler’s death camps, and 2 million in ghettos in Warsaw, Theresienstadt, and other cities.
“The Holocaust,” United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, www.ushmm.org.
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741
FACT : China’s Chairman Mao Zedong was a ruthless leader whose policies wiped out millions of Chinese. In the 1950s, Mao’s so-called “Great Leap Forward” of collective farming and rapid industrialization led to famine throughout China, killing as many as 35 million people.
“1976: Chairman Mao Dies,” On This Day, BBC News, http://news.bbc.co.uk.
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742
FACT : China’s Cultural Revolution, started by Chairman Mao Zedong in 1966 to purge opponents, dragged on for 10 years and slaughtered tens of thousands of Chinese citizens. And that concludes this episode of “History’s Biggest Buttholes.”
“China’s Communist Revolution: A Glossary,” BBC News, http://news.bbc.co.uk.
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743
FACT : Illinois passed a law in 1853 that levied a $50 fine on any black person from another state who spent more than ten days there. If the person was unable to pay the fine, he could be sold into slavery. The law was moot. Most people got bored within a day and split. I mean, it’s Illinois.
Isaac Asimov, ed., Isaac Asimov’s Book of Facts (Hastings House, 1979).
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744
FACT : Fourteen years before the Titanic sank, a novel titled Futility told the story of an ocean liner named Titan that met its demise one April night when it collided with an iceberg. A novel that didn’t sell a lot of copies, I’m guessing.
Facts Library, www.factlib.com.
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745
FACT : In July 1945, a B-25 crashed into the Empire State Building in New York, engulfing six floors in flames. Amazingly, only fourteen people died: the crash happened on a Saturday and the building was all but empty. Hopefully they were stockbrokers.