“Penelope.” His father looks down into his empty glass. “It’s not that hard to remember, Levi.”
Levi doesn’t answer.
“And she’s good,” Mr. Orville finishes.
“Where is she?” Now Levi’s just asking for a fight—it’s in his eyes when he looks at me. I also see his apology, and I squeeze his hand sympathetically.
“She left early. She had to pick up her husband at the airport.”
And just like that…everything in the room goes still as death.
“Hey, Dad?” Levi’s livid, barely under control. “Can I speak to you in another room?”
Mr. Orville says nothing as he turns and walks out. Levi follows without even looking at me. I know I’m not supposed to butt into their private discussion, but I can’t help it: I wait for them to close the door before I stand just outside, ear pressed to the wood. (Remember what I said about sometimes not feeling bad about eavesdropping? Well, this is one of those times.)
“This has to stop.” Levi’s tone is muffled, but I can hear each word.
“I’m a grown man. I don’t need my own son to tell me what to do like I’m a child.”
“I’m not telling you what to do.” Levi says it like he’s trying to keep his voice level. “I’m asking you to respect some boundaries—boundaries that are important to me.”
“I didn’t know you had any,” Mr. Orville snorts.
“Well, since the basic boundaries for any human being are unclear to you, I’m putting some up right now. Call my girlfriend by her name. It’s Bee, okay? Think about me calling your girlfriend Patricia—I know her name is Penelope. It’s a million times worse when you refuse to acknowledge Bee, who actually means something to me.”
“Oh, Penelope means something to me.”
“You’re sick.” Levi’s starting to lose it, and he’s not the only one. My fingers itch with anger; I want to do some damage.
“You think Bee means something to you? You’re nineteen. You’ve got a lot of life left to live, a lot of people to meet, and you think you’ve struck gold.”
“Oh, I definitely have. Bee’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“You think that girl is going to make you happy? Keep you happy? I thought that about a girl named Suzie once, and she did nothing for me.”
“That’s exactly the problem!” Levi says, a little too loudly. (I’m cringing so hard that my face hurts; I’ve never heard Levi yell before.) “It was all about you. It was never about me, or Mom, or our lives together. It was about you and your money and your girlfriends and wanting a bigger house and nicer cars and wealthier friends.”
“Shut up, Levi.”
(Oh, I’m definitely going to kill him.)
“I’m in love with Bee,” Levi says, and suddenly the breath in my lungs whooshes out. “I love that girl so much, I don’t think she even knows how much yet. I’m just figuring it out and I’m glad I have a lifetime ahead of me to discover it.”
I’m in love with Bee. It takes me completely by surprise. I know we love each other like friends do—best friends, inseparable. But in love is different. In love is big and loud and new and it makes my knees wobble and my hands shake.
He continues. “I don’t want you around her if you’re going to act like an asshole about…everything. It’s one thing when it’s just me; I can ignore it. But I’m drawing a line when it comes to Bee, and I don’t want you to cross it.”
His dad is quiet for a moment. “I can’t believe you—so naïve. I definitely didn’t raise you.”
Now it’s Levi’s turn to be quiet. “Maybe I am,” he finally says. “Naïve. I’d rather be simple and be like Mom than have no heart and be like you. Excuse me.”
I hear his footsteps headed toward me. I scramble backward, but I’m too slow, and he sees me standing there like a lone animal on a highway. He sighs.
“I’m sorry,” we say at once.
“What did you hear?” he asks, clearing his throat.
“Everything,” I blurt. (I may be an eavesdropper, but at least I’m not a liar.)
“Okay.” He rocks back on his heels and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Then I should probably explain some things.”
“No, there’s no need.”
He glances at me.
“Unless you want to tell me just how much you love me.” I attempt to smile, but oh, my face hurts as much as my heart does.
“A lot.” He says it like he’s reciting his favorite lyrics, with care and emotion, like he can’t quite explain how they truly make him feel. (I’m crumbling.) “More than I expected or imagined.” (I’m breathless.) “You’ve surprised me in every possible way.”
I don’t touch him. I want to, but I don’t.
“We’ve wasted a lot of time here,” Levi says, and holds out his hand for me to take. “Come on. Let’s go see your dad.”
Chapter 34
Thing You Should Know About Me #293: In my mind, hospitals are one of two things. Either they’re yellow and brightly lit with fluorescent lights and balloons, filled to the brim with loud, happy people. Or they’re dim and dismal and quiet, sparsely populated by the dead and waiting-to-die.
In the evening, when the sun is just starting to set, the latter is what Levi and I walk into. I didn’t get to go to the hospital earlier because traffic was terrible and I got to work with only five minutes to spare. So now, finally, we’re heading toward my father’s room, hand in hand, whispering about the delivery I had this afternoon. (A very grumpy woman working at a bar did not want to receive flowers from her ex-boyfriend in front of all her old man drinking buddies, who’d clearly been there since eleven that morning.)
Papa’s room is toward the back of the third floor. It’s a long and quiet trek, one we do not rush, because that would mean there’s a reason to hurry to my father’s bedside. When we stop to survey the room numbers, I cannot miss the fact that the rooms on either side of his are empty. Possibly because someone was released in happy, healthy condition, but also possibly because of something terrible.
I push down the heaviness in my heart and pull Levi inside behind me. “Papa!” I exclaim, a little too happily.
He looks up at me from the bed and smiles, and my mama, who is lying beside him all snuggled up, mumbles something. “Bee!” Papa says, reaching for me.
I hate seeing him like this, in a hospital gown, with those thin hospital sheets thrown over his legs, his body attached to machinery that’s on the wall behind him. It hurts my heart, but I’m not about to show him that. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m all right. You know me and my hard head.” He shakes Levi’s hand, nodding with a wink.
“Um, yeah, Mom said something about that last night.” I grip his hand.
“Did you have fun this weekend?” he asks.
I nod vigorously. “Want to see a picture of us at the party?”
“Sure,” Papa says, leaning in close.
“I want to see,” Mama gasps, sitting up. Her hair is wild on one side. “Oh, Bee, you look so beautiful. Levi, did you pick that out?”
Levi beams. “Sure did.”
My mom is so obviously floored that it’s almost funny. “She looks absolutely stunning.”
“Doesn’t she, though?” Levi places a chaste kiss on the side of my head.
“Levi’s the real show stopper, though,” I say, to divert their attention. “I mean, look at that suit.”
Now Levi’s blushing, but I ignore his awkward protests and study the picture with my parents. In the picture we’re standing at the center of Felix’s marble entryway, pillars on either side, my arms around his middle, bunching up his perfect suit. He’s laughing about something Felix said as he took the picture, and my nose is scrunched up all goofy. Somehow this makes the picture perf
ect. More…accurate. It makes me feel less self-conscious about all the fanciness. All the expectations.
My dad hands my phone back to me. “Was it a good turnout?”
“Better than expected,” Levi says, “and we walked away with more connections than we’ve ever had.”
“Good for you, son,” my dad says.
I squeeze Levi’s hand. He’s got this sad sort of smile, and I know he’s thinking about the conversation he had with his own father today. AuGUStus! told him to shut up, told him he was naïve and ridiculous, and never once did he call him son.
“Thank you,” Levi finally gets out.
My mom stands up, fixing her wrinkled shirt, and sighs. “I’m going to get ready for bed early, but you can stay as long as you want.”
“Actually—” I begin, surprising myself. “I’d like to stay here tonight. You can go home, Mama.”
She looks at my dad and then back at me and shrugs. “You sure, baby? You had a long weekend.”
“It’s all right, really. You’ve done this more times than I have.”
“Thank God not too many so far.” She shrugs. “Okay. You can borrow my pajamas if you want.”
I nod. “Thanks. Did you bring Crime and Punishment?”
She waves at the table, where I see the book lying on a pile of magazines. I turn to Levi. “Can you take my mom home instead?”
“Of course,” he says. “Good to see you, Matt,” he adds, shaking Papa’s hand. “Glad you’re okay.”
Levi and I head into the hallway while my mom gathers her things, and he doesn’t waste time. He immediately kisses me, hard, on the lips. I slip my arms around his neck, desperately holding on to him, not wanting the moment to end. But I know it has to. “Levi,” I whisper fiercely. “My mother. Oh-my-gosh-awkward.”
He chuckles. “Okay. All right.” He drops his hands to his sides, but his eyes are still holding me there, with my hands at the back of his head, digging into all his glorious hair, and I am so tempted to kiss him again. “Love you,” he says, quietly, and my stomach does this little flip-flop thing. It’s like my heart is being squeezed, and it can’t pump blood like it’s supposed to, and that’s suddenly perfectly fine with me because Levi.
“Love you,” I reply in a strangled voice. Then my mom is closing the door behind me and it’s time to let Levi go. “Thank you.”
He shakes his head like I have nothing to thank him for, but it’s the truth: I have him to thank for everything.
Papa, it seems, has already fallen asleep by the time I get back inside the room.
I stare at him from the end of the bed and sigh heavily, and for two seconds my gaze strays to Crime and Punishment, halfway read, sitting neatly. I grab it, lying down on the makeshift bed on the window seat, and clutch it to my chest, my heart beating against its battered cover.
I return to staring at my dad and watch his chest rising and falling, and I have never been so thankful that I have him here. That he is alive.
The hospital no longer feels so bleak. It doesn’t seem so dark, either, and I think it’s because Levi was here, leaving his mark of joy. With this in mind, I pick up my phone. Thanks for all the little pieces of you, I text him.
I fall asleep like this, a book to my chest, phone in hand, glasses askew, newly kissed and very in-love.
Chapter 35
When Levi texts me cryptic things like, Get your butt over here and an address, I find it hard to resist. Which is how I end up parked on a neighborhood street in Escondido, my AC blasting on high.
I sit in my car for a minute longer, because Gretchen’s on the phone. Her voice is filled with a level of excitement that would make me laugh if I didn’t feel so guilty. I haven’t told her about my dad yet, despite the fact that it’s been a week since Malibu, two weeks since I found out about the cancer. I still can’t open my mouth and force the words out. Every moment seems wrong because each time I imagine how our conversation would go, my heart twists painfully.
So I leave it in the dark. (I’ve never felt more like a coward.)
“Hey, Gretchen—” I hate to interrupt her hilarious rant about her coworkers, but I see Levi’s car. (I need to go before I tell her everything and break her heart.) “Can I call you back in a little bit? I’m here.”
“Hey, of course. Tell The Boy hello from his favorite person.” Gretchen snorts. “Ah, LAK, what a time to be alive.”
LAK stands for Life After Kissing. It’s the new B.C. and A.D., according to Gretchen.
“Thanks, Gretchen. I’ll tell him. And remind me to call you later if I forget.”
She laughs and hangs up. I slide my phone into my purse and turn off the car, bracing myself for the heat wave I know will flatten me as soon as I step outside. But when I close my door behind me, pocketing my keys, I see something that I don’t expect, and it distracts me from my grumbling.
Levi stands in front of one of the houses, legs spread, hands on his hips, looking up. It’s an old Victorian-style home, probably built in the seventies, with white siding and a cute, wrap-around porch. There’s a giant FOR SALE sign out front, complete with flyers. A picket fence lines the front and sides of the yard.
“Levi,” I say, a question in my voice. “What are we doing here?”
He doesn’t turn around. “I’m proposing to you and this is where we’re going to raise our twelve children.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze his middle. “Okay.”
He closes his arms over mine and brings my hands to his lips. I sigh happily against his back.
“You’re too easy,” he says. “But for real? I think…I might want to move TCP here.”
“Excuse me?” I stand next to him, one arm still around his waist. He tucks his thumb through the belt loop of my jeans.
“I told you about this,” he says.
“I know, but, like…”
Levi pecks my temple with a kiss. “I talked to Felix yesterday, and he seems to think we’ll like this house. I mean, I’m already inclined to think he’s right.”
“You like it enough to move everything here?” I’m not surprised, just wary. This could be just another massive project to overwhelm us. Or maybe that’s just my own stress level beeping at me as it overloads.
Levi rubs my arm as if he understands my worry. “He thought we could work out a deal: a fair price and a fair mortgage, an easy move-in date, some time to get things fixed up….”
Now, of course, I’m studying the house, imagining the whole thing: the sign along the second story beneath the windows, a new color for the front. Suzie could use her green thumb to freshen up the yard. The house is on the edge of a neighborhood, close to the main street, but still tucked away so it seems homey and warm. I’m suddenly as in love with the vision as Levi—and just as sold.
“I’m thinking about painting the front with stripes,” Levi says. “A new color every panel, all the way up.”
“Oh, my gosh,” I say. “Are you allowed to do that?”
“Don’t know. I’m going to find out, though.”
“At least you can paint the inside. But Levi—what about the lease on the other place?”
“It’s up in three months. Just enough time to place an offer and make the move. We could have a grand opening.” He faces me and takes my face in his hands, excitedly. I’m reminded, for a second, about that summer party at Keagan’s place, and the memory (of happier times) warms me. “Do you realize what this means? We’ll have more room, cheaper rent. Like, my dad can finally stop paying the rent and TCP will be completely mine. I won’t feel like I owe him anything. And Felix had an excellent idea, that I could start housing people who need it here in the bedrooms and pay them to help with TCP while they get back on their feet with a new job or new house. This means more help and bigger business, which in turn means helpin
g more people.”
I smile at him, my hands wrapped around his wrists, and lift onto my tiptoes. “This is a perfect idea.”
His smile is radiant, of course, because his smiles always are. “Do you like it?”
“I love it,” I say. “Now kiss me.”
He dips his head. I’m lost to the rest of the world as he kisses me tenderly, appropriate for the side of the road where everyone can see, but just enough to make my toes curl in my shoes.
When he lets go, he kisses my nose and wraps me in a hug. “How’s your dad?”
I sigh, relaxing. “He’s fine.” Papa was released from the hospital early, making us all happier and infinitely less scared. Somehow, him being under a doctor’s scrutiny twenty-four hours a day made everything worse. Ignorance really is bliss. If they’d found something else wrong with him, I’m not sure how I would have responded.
A car pulls up to the curb behind mine and a man steps out, wearing a suit and looking very official. Levi lets me go, our hands joining between us. “Aha, it’s Felix’s realtor. Want to see the inside with me?”
I kiss his cheek. “I’m already sold, but of course.”
There’s a certain musty quality to the house that makes me nostalgic—although for what, I have no idea. Grandmother’s house? (Thing You Should Know About Me #213: My parents aren’t close with either of their parents, who live in Florida, so I have a very distant idea of what grandma must be like.) All I know is that I want to see Suzie moving around the kitchen, baking cookies, and Elle writing out her to-do list at the dining room table, and Missy and Albert sharing the front desk (her shoes propped up and his glitter raining on her head). I want to see this front sitting room filled with applicants and I want to see Levi in the hallway, handing checks to clients.
I want to stand beside him.
It all feels very official, which freaks me out a little, but Levi’s excitement is contagious. At the end of the tour we shake hands with the realtor, and when he drives away, Levi and I stand against my car, looking up at the house.
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