by Sue Limb
‘What do you mean?’ She tried for a lighthearted tone, but somehow it came out in a desperate gasp, as if she were a fish that had suddenly found itself out of its beloved water and trapped in the horrible dry burning air.
‘I’m sorry to be such an idiot,’ Fred went on, not looking at Jess, but staring instead at the grass just below his face, ‘but the thought of everybody at school giving us a hard time … You know, uh – the ridicule … the jokes … Nightmare! The thought of it makes me want to walk over to the railings over there and hurl my recent lunch into the nettles.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ said Jess. Her hands had started to shake. ‘Nobody’ll be even the slightest bit interested.’
‘It’s just,’ said Fred, suddenly taking refuge in a silly posh voice, ‘that I’ve got my reputation to think of, my dear. My identity, you know? I’m the – how can I put it? Eccentric loner. I am famously unable to form relationships. If everybody knows that we’re together I shall lose whatever street cred I ever had and be despised as a doting nerd.’
Jess’s arteries were now pumping to maximum. Her fight-or-flight mechanism had kicked in. How could Fred be saying these horrible, heartless things? Had she never really known him after all? Did he really care more about his so-called glamorous loner’s identity than his relationship with her?
Everything glorious that they had shared that summer suddenly took on a sad, doomed kind of air, even the fabulous time at the seaside with her dad and Phil and Mum and Granny. She was so proud of Fred, she couldn’t wait for everyone at school to know they were together. But it seemed he wasn’t proud of her. Oh no. He was ashamed of her, apparently.
‘Well, I’d hate you to be inconvenienced in any way,’ she snapped. ‘Obviously it would be a disaster if you should be thought a doting nerd. So what is all this? Are you dumping me?’
‘Oh no, no, not at all, of course not,’ said Fred, avoiding her eye. ‘It’s just, well, I thought we might just keep it all under wraps, as we used to say in MI5.’
He’d put on the posh voice again. Though Jess usually loved all Fred’s comedy voices, right now it infuriated her. It was as if he was escaping from her by pretending to be somebody else.
‘You know,’ Fred went on. ‘We could avoid being seen together, except in disguise. Never actually talk, just leave notes in each other’s lockers – in code. We could even stage a massive row. Or put out some misinformation – pretend we’re deadly enemies.’
Jess could not speak. She could not believe it. She cared more about Fred than anyone else on earth, and he wanted to pretend they were deadly enemies. Her world was shattered. Suddenly she just couldn’t bear it any longer. She scrambled to her feet – not elegantly, alas, more like a hippo in haste.
‘Why not do the job properly?’ she said, struggling to keep her voice light and ironical. ‘Never mind pretending – let’s actually be deadly enemies. Strange that perfect happiness can give way suddenly to complete hell, but I suppose that’s life. Goodbye.’
Fred looked up in alarm. Tears, which Jess had been hoping to keep private, burst suddenly from her eyes. She turned abruptly and marched off.
‘Wait! Don’t be an idiot!’ called Fred. He was getting up. Jess broke into a run. ‘Jess! Come back! I was only kidding!’ Fred started to chase her.
The moment she heard the words ‘only kidding’, a kind of explosion happened in Jess’s insides. For a moment, she was more immensely relieved than she had ever been in her life – not counting the much-postponed comfort stop on the school trip to Stratford-upon-Avon.
But a moment later, she began to doubt it. Only kidding? How could he have made a joke of something so sacred? How could he have upset her so much? She would never speak to him again. She would never even look at him again. Never even refer to him. Never pronounce the word ‘Fred’, even when discussing the late, great Freddie Mercury. Perhaps never even use any word at all beginning with ‘F’. Although that might be hard.
And anyway, she didn’t believe he had been joking. There had been something horribly real about the way he’d confessed his fears. He’d been hesitant and the posh voice hadn’t been convincing. If it had really been a joke, Fred would have given a much more polished performance. Well, joke or not, either way, right now she hated him with a bitter, burning passion.
She could hear Fred panting and yelling as he chased her. It wasn’t exactly an Olympic event. Overweight girl – slightly overweight girl – wearing new, much-too-tight shoes, chased by bookish boy with long wobbly legs, who is intellectually opposed to the whole notion of physical exercise.
Eventually, of course, Fred caught up with her. After all, he was wearing trainers. He grabbed her jacket. It ripped.
‘You idiot!’ yelled Jess, and turned to face him.
Fred grabbed her wrist. His large grey eyes were bigger than ever.
‘Stop! Don’t be silly!’ he panted. ‘It was only a joke. I was just kidding.’
‘Some joke!’ yelled Jess, struggling to get free. ‘You dumping me! Big laughs!’
‘Of course I’m not dumping you!’ said Fred. ‘You’re the whatyacallit of my life! I worship the pavement outside your house! I would rather walk down the high street in my boxer shorts than lose you! I’d rather actually take a dump on the stage in front of the whole school than dump you!’
Jess closed her mind to all this sordid talk of dumping. She was horribly, insanely furious with him. She felt completely out of control.
‘Well, as it happens,’ she seethed, ‘what you said in jest, I’d been feeling for some time anyway.’ Words came tumbling out of her mouth. She hardly even knew what she was saying. All she knew was that she wanted to hurt Fred, to pay him back for the horrible pain that he had caused her. Fred’s whole body sort of cringed, and his face crumpled.
‘What?’ he gasped, grabbing at her again.
‘Let me go!’ shouted Jess, struggling, hysterical. ‘It’s over. I’ve had it up to here with you, and what you said just now is the final insult. Goodbye.’
‘I’m sorry!’ said Fred. He went down on his knees. ‘It was stupid. Forgive me! Set me nine impossible tasks. I’ll do them. I’ll eat tofu – anything.’
‘Excuse me,’ said Jess icily. ‘I’m going home.’ She stepped past him and walked briskly off towards the park gate.
Somehow she expected to hear Fred running up after her again. But he didn’t. Jess went through the gate and turned left to go home. No bounding footsteps followed her. She was desperate to turn round and run back to him, or at least look and see what he was doing, but she just couldn’t.
Besides, she had a lot of crying to do, once she got home. First of all, she had to cry about Fred saying such cruel things: being ashamed of her. Then she had to cry about the way she’d reacted, making things worse. Last of all – and worst – she had to cry because Fred hadn’t followed her begging and pleading to be forgiven, but had just somehow stayed dumbly behind in the park, the fool. How in the world had this awful row just blown up out of nowhere? Were they finished for good, or was it just a row? Either way, she was heartbroken.
Luckily, because Jess had had such a happy summer up till now, her teddy bear Rasputin was divinely dry, absorbent and ready to soak up whole monsoons of crying.
Get to Know Sue Limb with her Q & A!
Name: Sue Limb.
Star sign: Virgo.
Favourite colour: Green.
Favourite number: Seven.
Favourite thing to do: Give my dog a bath.
Favourite food: Anything with pesto.
Where were you born? Hitchin, Hertfordshire, England.
Where do you live now? On a remote farm in Gloucestershire.
What were you like at school? A tomboy-ish nerd.
Have you got brothers and sisters? One older brother, who’s a jazz musician.
What did you want to be as a child? Secretary-General of the United Nations (I told you I was a nerd).
How did you start writing?
At age two, I liked doodling the letter ‘S’. When I grew up, I tried teaching, couldn’t cope, and writing seemed to be the only thing possible.
What did you do before you were a writer? I was a teacher, screaming in vain for quiet while my classes rioted gently around me.
Where do you write? Anywhere – I particularly like writing on trains. But when I’m at home, in a room with windows opening into a wild wood.
What was your favourite book as a child? The Railway Children by E. Nesbit.
What’s your favourite children’s book now? Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.
What’s your favourite adult book? Persuasion by Jane Austen.
What tips do you have for budding writers? Read a lot!
What’s your favourite TV programme? Frasier.
What makes you laugh? Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse as the Surgeons.
What’s your favourite movie? Some Like It Hot.
Who do you imagine playing Jess, Flora and Fred in a movie? Carey Mulligan would be Jess, Emma Watson would be Flora and Jamie Campbell Bower would be Fred.
Books by Sue Limb (in reading order):
Flirting for England
Charming But Insane
Absolute Torture!
Pants on Fire
Five-Star Fiasco
Chocolate SOS
Coming soon:
Party Disaster!
Girls, Guilty But Somehow Glorious
Girls, Muddy, Moody Yet Magnificent
Girls to Total Goddesses
Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Berlin, New York and Sydney
First published in Great Britain in April 2005 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
50 Bedford Square, London, WC1B 3DP
This electronic edition published in January 2012 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
Text copyright © Sue Limb 2005
Revised text copyright © Sue Limb 2012
The moral right of the author has been asserted
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9781408812778
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