by Lindsay Becs
Penny and Jesse found him with a broken leg in the field out back a while ago. What was supposed to be temporary has become permanent. He’s a good dog but sheds enough to make a whole other dog each week. Add that to his obsession with piling up his toys in front of the door, and the dog’s got some annoying habits.
“Dollar!” she yells back from the table where she’s sitting doing her homework.
“I'm not giving you shit. You are supposed to be cleaning up after him,” I tell her, pointing to the fluff of dog. He’s a chow and really is a big ball of fluff.
“Fine, you get a discount and only owe one dollar even though you just swore twice.”
I bend and give her a kiss on the head. “Thanks,” I say, stealing one of the pretzels from her bowl. She turns her head a little to glare at me, but she can’t hold back her smile when I start to moan like it’s the best pretzel I’ve ever had.
Reaching for another one, she smacks my hand this time, making me laugh. “Where’s Jesse? He’s usually here doing homework with you.” She shrugs her shoulder, and I know something is up. “LP?”
“He had a girl walk home with us.”
I understand now. Jesse started high school this year while Penny started sixth grade. I was wondering when time would catch up to them, but I was hoping we had a little longer. Jesse has never been anything but good and respectful to Penny. He treats her like his hidden treasure and protects her, and I could not be happier about that.
But he’s also a teenage boy and in high school now no less. I remember those days. He’s done so much better since he started coming with me to Pretty Girl. He stayed on and regularly helps me clean up the garage. Though he started small, he’s working his way up to learning more and more. He’s turning into a damn fine mechanic.
I sit next to Penny and put my hand over hers to pause her writing. Her eyes meet mine, and the tears swimming in them tear at my heart. I don’t know what to say to her. I feel like no matter what I say, it’s going to be wrong and only cause more tears.
“Do you want to talk to Tilly?” I finally ask, not feeling fit for this conversation.
She shakes her head no, but when that first tear streaks down her cheek, I pull her up to my chest and hug her tight. “Come on.” I pull her behind me to walk next door. Jesse is out back, raining hit after hit into the punching bag I helped hang there last Christmas for him. He pauses, holding the bag with ragged breath, as his eyes take in Penny. I can see the pain on his face knowing he caused it.
Gritting my teeth, I walk past him and enter his and Tilly’s house after a knock on the glass door. “Tilly?” I yell into the house.
She comes down from upstairs with her phone in her hand. “I was just about to call you,” she says, her eyes assessing Penny and me. “Swap?” I nod my head, as this is something we’ve done a few times before. She talks to and calms Penny when I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, and I do the same with Jesse.
Tilly is barely down the last step when Penny falls into her arms, and watching that breaks my heart. She needs a mother. Her mother. But all she has is me. Poor girl.
I’m equally thankful for Tilly and pissed off at her at the same time. I know Penny and I both need her, but I don’t want to need her. I want—need—Josie.
Shaking that thought from my head, I walk back outside and I’m met with an even angrier Jesse than the one we just walked past.
“Stop,” I command, but he steels his jaw and hits the bag again and again. “Stop!” I say again, with more force this time. He pummels the bag with fast hit after hit until he’s breathless and falls into the bag, his forehead leaning against it. “Talk to me.” He shakes his head in response. “Jesse, stop and talk to me.”
“You won’t understand.”
“Try me.” Finally, he stands up and walks to where I’m sitting at the small round table out here on their patio.
“I fucked up,” he croaks out.
“OK... what happened?”
“This girl from school keeps wanting to come over after school. She’s a pain in the ass, but she’s hot as hell. I kept pushing her off, but today she just… I couldn’t say no,” he sighs. “But when Penny saw her, there was this look on her face.” He stops, scrubbing his hands down his face. “I don’t want to see that look on her face again.”
“Then don’t put it there again,” I tell him simply. He shoots me an annoyed glare. “Look, kid, she’s eleven. She’s in middle school. Things are… changing. For both of you. It was bound to catch up sooner or later.”
“It’s not even that.” He shakes his head. “Penny is my best friend.”
“Then you need to keep the two separate.” His head snaps to mine, and his eyes go wide. “Trust me. If you care about Penny like I think you do, then you need to keep the girls you date or hang with away from her. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I haven’t—” I raise my hand to stop him.
“I don’t want to know that. Unless you get crotch itch and can’t tell Tilly, you keep all that to yourself.”
That makes him huff a laugh. “Do you think things are going to change between us more now?” he asks, his laughter stopping now. I know he’s asking about him and Pen.
“That’s up to the two of you. It doesn’t have to. But you don’t bring my little girl into things she’s not ready for, or I’ll kick your ass harder than you just did that bag.”
He nods before adding a muffled, “Thank you.”
It’s the Fourth of July, and all of my family is here. It doesn’t happen as often now, all of us being together at once. Even Benton happened to be between race weeks and made it out to join us. These are the days and times I love the most. Call me a sentimental sap, but I relish in these moments. It makes me feel like I’m doing alright and making Josie proud too.
Ollie is manning the grill with burgers, hot dogs, and chicken legs with Benton. Tatum and Bex are inside cutting up fruit and vegetables for us to snack on all day. LP and Jesse are playing with the kids in the yard, blowing bubbles and chasing them. Tilly joins us outside, setting down a basket of homemade buns for the burgers. I teased her relentlessly when she told me she was bringing them, but she assured me I haven’t had a proper burger without a homemade bun.
Soon, our bellies are full and I have to concede, telling Tilly she was right. She gives me a knowing smile as she goes back inside and comes out with a plateful of cookies. The sun is just beginning its decent when she sits next to me, handing me one.
“Thanks for letting Jesse and me join you all today.”
“Anytime,” I say before sinking my teeth into the cookie she gave me, letting out a moan. “Damn, Cookie. You never disappoint.”
“You talking to the actual cookie or me?” she quips.
“Both,” I answer and see her cheeks pink, giving me a satisfied grin.
“Daddy, do you want some dirt?” Penny asks, pulling me from staring at Tilly, which is probably a good thing.
“Yeah, LP, give me a big bowlful,” I say to my little girl, who isn’t looking as little anymore. “Don’t steal my worms this time either,” I add.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She feigns innocence, backing away to return to the house.
A few minutes later, I’m ready to dig into my bowl of dirt pudding. I have a spoonful almost to my mouth when Tilly shrieks, making me jump and throw the bowl, which then lands in my lap.
“There was a moving worm!” she yells.
“No there wasn’t,” I laugh “They’re gummy worms.”
She shakes her head. “No, Travis, it was moving.” Her eyes are wide as she points to my crotch, making me shift in my seat.
“Tilly, they’re gum—” but my words stop when I look down and in fact see moving live worms.
“Ollie!” I yell, knowing exactly who did this. Standing, I walk to where the dickhead is standing inside the kitchen, holding back his laughter. “You better run,” I tell him with a smirk.
&n
bsp; “I’m holding a baby!” he yells in defense because he’s got Max strapped to his front.
“Bex!” I yell, keeping my eyes on him. “I need you to take Max so I can beat your husband’s ass.”
“Sure thing, Trav,” she says sweetly, walking over and unstrapping her son from Ollie.
“Sweetness…” Ollie starts, trying to convince his wife to side with him, but it doesn’t work.
“Payback,” she sing-songs with a big smile on her face, and I love this girl right now.
“Run,” I say the single word to my friend, and he knows I’m serious as he takes off outside, screaming like a little girl. Once he’s gone, everyone in the kitchen starts laughing hysterically. I hurry to the garage and get my BB gun, filling it with pellets. I hear Bex let out a muffled, “Oh, shit,” as I walk past with a purpose.
Thing is, I’ve known Ollie since I was a kid, and I know exactly how his mind works. He thinks he’s sneaky and will have a hand up on me circling back around the house, but I crouch, waiting for him. He barely makes me out around the corner and runs out into the open field. Idiot.
I stay where I am and pop off shot after shot until I hear him yelp. Everyone is laughing around the yard as I hit him again and he falls flat to the ground. Right where Bear usually shits. I can hardly get the words out as I yell, “You done?”
“I hate you, Dad!” he yells as he stands up, and I die laughing when I see the shit covering his pants. “That fucking hurt! You got me in the ass, dipshit,” he says, rubbing at his ass and walking back to the house.
“You started it,” I laugh.
“You two do realize that you both look like you shit your pants, right?” Tatum says in a bored tone from behind me. Looking down, I see the dirt pudding I’d forgotten about still dripping down my front.
“At least mine tastes good.” I shrug, swiping a finger through the pudding on my pants and licking it.
Bex gives me a high five, handing me a towel before giving one to Ollie too. “Dude, you smell like shit,” I say when he gets close. He flips me the bird, making me laugh. I grab my dick with the towel in my hand in an obscene gesture, but I don’t even care right now. It’s been a while since I’ve had this much fun with my best friend and acted like a kid.
Ollie and I call a truce and get cleaned up. By the time we’re changed and the food is put away, it’s dark out. Benton helps Poppy hold sparklers as she dances around, lighting one after the other, until Penny and Jess show her how to catch lightning bugs.
Soon fireworks begin to shoot in the distance, and everyone stops. We all sit back and watch the show. Penny, no matter how big she gets, curls up with me on the lounger and watches the fireworks with me.
It’s after ten when the fireworks end and everyone takes off for home. I send Penny in to get washed up for bed, knowing that Jesse will be climbing in her window tonight by the look they give each other, like they know a secret none of us do.
I’m picking up the last of the trash in the backyard when I hear Tilly come outside. She quietly picked up a few things, making her way to me. “Thanks,” I say, holding open the trash bag as she deposits the trash she collected.
She looks up at me, and our eyes stay locked for a while before she speaks. “I forgot what it was like to have a family. What you have, that’s really special.” I nod, agreeing with her but not understanding what she’s getting at. “I don’t want to ever ruin another family.”
My brows pull together in confusion. “You’re not ruining anything.”
“I like you, Travis,” she confesses, stealing the breath from my lungs. “I know you don’t think of me that way, and that’s OK. But I also can’t hide it from you either,” she continues slowly.
I pull in a stuttered breath and open my mouth to speak, but she puts her hand up, stopping me. “Don’t say anything. I don’t expect anything. I know you still love your wife.” Her saying that is like a knife to the heart. “And that’s OK too. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not in a rush. But know that if you ever think you could possibly care about someone again, I’d like you to consider me.” She gives me a shy smile before she presses a soft kiss to my cheek. “Goodnight, Travis.”
“Night.” The word comes out rough and gravelly. I watch her walk home as I’m left thinking about her confession.
I guess I already suspected she had feelings of some sort for me, but I didn’t expect her to come out and just say it like that.
How do I feel about her?
She asked me to consider her, but there’s nothing to consider.
Is there?
Once inside, I reach for a letter I’ve been dreading. Someone Caught Your Eye, Huh?
You noticed a woman today, huh? Well, I hope she was worth it, you asshole!
Laugh, Travis. It was a joke. You’re allowed to notice women, or men if you changed your swinging direction; I’m not here to judge.
Seriously, baby, stop feeling guilty. You are human. You are a man. You are a gorgeous man. I guarantee women are noticing you.
I don’t expect you to stay celibate forever. I don’t expect you to become a monk either. Remember, we had a deal. You live.
So, get out there, stud! Tell me about this woman. Was she blonde? Or have your tastes changed? Let me guess… she’s the opposite of me and now you’re questioning what the hell that means.
Travis, listen to me. Go look at the pretty ladies. I’ll high-five you in your sleep and only be mildly jealous. Promise.
Always,
Josie
TILLY
Minutes After Confessing
I can’t believe I opened my mouth and told him all that. Consider me? Who says that to a grieving widower?!
The ruiner of all families, that’s who.
When will I learn?
I don’t get to be loved.
I don’t get a happily ever after.
I don’t get a real family.
Chapter 10
Travis
Nine Years After Josie
Fuck. Me.
Penny has become a woman.
She came home from school crying, and I pushed her right into Tilly’s house and closed the door as soon as the word period came out of her mouth and she wasn’t talking about a class.
Sure, I know what this means. I sort of lived through it with Tatum and Josie, but it’s not the same. Definitely not the same.
I’m scanning the aisle at the store where there are boxes and packages of all shapes and sizes, and I have no idea where to start. I text Tilly asking her what I should get. Thank God she sends me a picture, and I see the match on the shelf. I grab five boxes of pads. Puke. A heating pad, a bottle of pain relievers, a bag of chips, and one of every kind of candy bar they sell.
The girl at the checkout gives me a smile, and I wonder if it’s a “good job” smile or a “you’re screwed” smile. I worry my bottom lip in my teeth as she rings me up and gives me another smile, handing me my bags.
I don’t even bother knocking on Tilly’s door when I get back, storming inside. Jesse starts to ask what I got, but when he sees the box of woman stuff through the plastic bag, he puts his hands up in surrender. Me too, kid. Me too.
Penny, standing at the opposite end of the couch from Jesse, wraps her arms around me when she sees me. “Thanks, Daddy.”
I kiss her head, and all the worry I had that I just ruined my daughter washes away. “You want to stay here or go home?”
“Movie night?” she asks me.
“You got it, LP.”
I thank Tilly, knowing that I owe her big time. She assures me it was fine and not a big deal. I hope that’s true. It’s not the first time I’ve panicked and come running to Tilly, shoving Penny at her to help fix what I couldn’t.
Since she told me of her feelings toward me, we haven’t talked about it. I haven’t given her any indication that I’m there at all. Truth is it scares me. I can see myself opening up to Tilly and that petrifies me. I’m not ready for that. Not yet.
“I can’t believe I did it,” Tilly tells me with tears in her eyes as she spins around in a circle inside her bakery/café she’s opening tomorrow, Sugar Stacked.
“Don’t cry now.” I smile at her. “You’ve been a badass bitch boss with this whole thing up to now. Don’t tell me that was all a show,” I tease.
She pinches her finger and thumb together to show a little bit while scrunching her nose. “Little bit.”
I bark a laugh, walking around the space to take it all in now that everything’s in place. I’ve helped her navigate through a lot of the paperwork side of it, but this is all Tilly.
“You nervous about the opening?”
She nods slowly, biting her lips between her teeth. “Petrified.”
“That’s how I felt the first time I had to pay bills at Pretty Girl after it became mine. You’ll do fine.”
“What if I don’t? What if no one comes? Or the town hates it? What if the food sucks?”
“That,” I say, pointing to her, “I know would be a lie. You are an amazing baker, Cookie. You got this. Be confident.”
She blows out a breath. “Yeah.”
“Bake for me,” I say, and she tips her head to the side like I’m crazy.
“I don’t mean right now. I mean, tomorrow. When the doors open and the nerves start, think of it like you’re baking for me and Penny and Jesse. No one else.”
“But you’ll be here, right?” she asks, sounding a little panicked.
“Please, I installed all those shelves and hung all those fucking pictures of cookies you insisted hang on the walls. I need to know that was for something. Someone’s gotta appreciate my hanging skills.”
She laughs then, finally seeming to relax some. “Thank you, Travis. Thanks for believing I could do this.”
“I never doubted it. Or you,” I add, bopping her nose. She swats my hand away, but I catch her wrist. She gasps as I press her back until she hits the wall, her wrist still in my grasp above her head. “Cookie…”