“Like he’s gonna care,” I muttered.
“Whether he cares or not, I care. And I got real problems with my son cheating in school. Just when I’m proud of you, thinking your tail is smart, you go and do something so dumb that I just want to disown you. Come on, Junior, what were you thinking? You know some of those teachers are there just waiting for you to fail. You may think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, but some people out here I’m sure are haters and think you are a three-month-old loaf ready to be thrown out with the trash. And if they could they’d be the person that takes you to the Dumpster. At the parent-teacher conference, Mr. Banks never says anything good about you, yet you have all A’s in his class. Even I know he isn’t your fan. And that’s the class that you pick to cheat in. Not that you should cheat in any of your classes, but you know the man is on you.”
“I know, Mom, and I didn’t set out to cheat or do anything like that, but my buddy asked me to help. I helped him. I said it was wrong. What else do you want me to say?”
“I want you to say that you get it and that you understand that it wasn’t about you letting me down and letting your dad down—because he does care, despite what you may think—but that it was a test of your character and about not letting yourself down even when you are trying to humbly help a friend. Start doing some things, Son, and it just might become a habit.”
“Mom, I don’t plan to keep cheating.”
“No, but you didn’t plan on cheating today, either. That’s my point. I don’t want you to do things that you know are wrong because you may not know when you can stop and go back to doing what’s right. I just want you to make wise choices and until you do, you are grounded. After those ball games, bring yourself into this house.”
“Mom!”
“You think about what I said. I got to get up early in the morning and clean. I really don’t have time for this, Perry. Just-Just go.”
The next day was more of the same. My mom was on me seriously this time. I was tired of her ranting. So when she stepped to me I said, “Moms, I got it. I’m not leaving the house. I’m just going out in the backyard to shoot some hoops. I just want to stay in shape. Is that cool?”
“No, it’s not cool when I found this in the bathroom.” She held up an unopened gold, square wrapper.
Ah, snap, I thought, looking at the condom she held firmly in her hand.
“It’s just protection, Mom.” I laughed as if that was a dumb question to ask me.
“Don’t get smart with me, boy. I know what it is. Why in the heck do you have it? Who you trying to get with? I know Tori is a virgin. You and I talked about messing with that sweet, innocent girl.”
“Mom, I hate to break it to you. I’m eighteen. I’m not no little boy anymore. How long do you think I’m supposed to stay a virgin?”
“Let’s start with til you married. Is that a good answer?”
“It ain’t realistic. If that’s all you have to say about this, then we don’t even really need to be talking about this. I’m sorry I left it out and that you saw the thing.”
“Wait a minute, boy! You don’t talk to me like you done lost your mind.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I not trying to disrespect you. It’s just that you living in a world that’s not reality. You think I think it’s cute that I haven’t had sex yet and I’m suppose to jump all up and down and be all excited that my mom is proud of me still being pure. Oh, Mom, let me live my own life and you just work on yours,” I said as I snatched the condom out of her hand, put it in my sock, and headed out back.
The rest of the day passed quickly. My mom didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to her. She was probably flabbergasted by how I came off. I had left her speechless. No words did I want to take back, though.
Later on that night, around 11:45 PM, I got the munchies. I headed for the kitchen to fix me a bowl of Frosted Flakes. A large bowl at that, with lots of milk. Even though I wanted to eat, I was sidetracked. I heard something coming from the living room. Peeping in there ’cause I was sort of afraid that it might be an intruder, I was shocked to find my mom there crying. Whoa, I thought to myself. I knew I meant what I said to her earlier, but did I have to be so harsh as to make her cry?
“Moms,” I said, falling to her knees. “I’m sorry.”
“Sweetheart, this doesn’t have anything to do with you. I didn’t want you to see me like this. I know you’re not going to stay a baby forever. I know it. I just worry about you. Diseases and getting girls pregnant.”
“Mom, I know about all that stuff. If it’s not about me, then what is it about? What’s wrong with you?”
“Son, I don’t want to talk about it. Just go to bed. What are you doing up, anyway?”
“I was hungry.”
“Let me get up and fix you something.”
“No, no, mom. I was just going to get some cereal. I do that a lot when you and Dad are asleep. Where is he? Does he know you’re up? Let me go get him. Did he do something to you?”
Before I could leave the room, she grabbed my arm. “No, your dad is not here. Again. Just stay out of it. Don’t be concerned about me, okay?”
“Mom, did he hurt you? Did he hit you?”
“No, Junior. You know your dad is not violent. It’s nothing physical and plus I just said all I can about this to you.”
I too couldn’t believe that I had to ask my mom did my dad hit her, but after what I saw a month ago, it was still engraved into my mind. I had to make sure. She gave me a kiss on the cheek. At that moment, I wasn’t hungry anymore. That knotted feeling was in my stomach again. However, I got the big bowl of cereal, anyway. The milk tasted sour and the flakes were stale. I poured the whole bowl out. Drama!
The next day was Sunday, and everyone was ready to stay out late. Since we didn’t have school on Monday because of Columbus Day, a lot of folks headed to the local skating rink for a fall jam. I decided to swing through there. Thankfully, my mom had forgotten all about my punishment. She had her own issues. So when she said I could head out and not to worry about her, I took off. I started to go alone, but then I thought about Tori. I wanted to be with my girl.
I really was trying not to focus on sex, but a big part of me wanted it. I wanted Tori. A big part of me wanted this to be our night, so I packed a cooler full of root beer, brought a bag of her favorite guacamole chips and headed over to her house. My goal was to surprise her and take her someplace special to get the night going.
Her pretty brown face greeted me. “Hey!” she said, excited to see me.
“Is it all right if I come in? I know I didn’t call. I was just trying to surprise you,” I said, pulling flowers from behind my back.
“Sweetie, these are so nice. Yes, thank you, come in. My mom’s upstairs. It’s cool.”
“I was coming by to see if you wanted to hang out and go to the skating rink with me. I have a fun evening planned for the two of us, can you go get ready?”
“Ooh!” I heard a little voice say, “Tori’s boyfriend is here.”
Tori pointed to the little girl watching us from around the corner. “I would, but I’m baby-sitting.”
It was just my luck. My girl had to spend her night watching a kid. I had to think of another plan.
“Can’t your mama do it or something? You said she is here.”
She placed her hand on her hip and said boldly, “I’m getting paid to watch her. I can’t just push this off on my mom. Besides, I didn’t know you were coming over. I hadn’t seen you in a couple of weeks. We hadn’t even talked, Perry. I’ve called and left messages, but you haven’t returned my calls. I mean, what am I supposed to think? Am I just supposed to keep myself available, hoping, wishing and praying that you’ll come by?”
“All right, fine, whatever,” I said, real frustrated, turning around to head out the door.
Tori grabbed my hand. “Wait, wait, wait. Lynn, can you put your Barbie movie on? I’ll be right there, okay?”
“Can I watch it in your
room?” she asked, real excited.
“Okay, sure. But don’t mess up my bed,” Tori replied.
As soon as the little girl left, I grabbed my girlfriend and pinned her up against her front door. The passion from my body went through my lips to hers. I wanted her to feel how badly I wanted her in so many ways. Wanting her to feel so many things, wanting her to want to be with me badly. She started returning my advances, grabbing my bottom. That made the distance between us ever so small. She placed her hand on the back of my head and pulled my ear to her mouth.
Tori whispered deliciously, “Baby, I missed you.”
Dressed in sweats, Tori was as cute as a baby doll. Truthfully, I was grateful for the baggy pants she had on. It gave me easy access to slide my hand in back of them. I had to get her out the house and into my car. The night needed to be on. I knew my dad’s old Luther Vandross CD would make a perfect party for two. She had to come. It was clear she was feeling me.
“You got to come with me, baby. We can’t stop this.”
“I can’t,” she said, pulling away from me. “We can’t do this.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, trying not to be angry.
“We just can’t.” She opened her front door and pushed me out of it.
“Look, I will be at the skating rink if you change your mind.”
“I’m just being honest. I won’t be coming.”
When she shut the door in my face, I didn’t know what to think. Was she trying to stop herself from going further than she wanted to or was she trying to tease me? Either way, I was dying inside.
As I drove to the rink, I started pushing the peddle harder and harder, going faster and faster. Not really caring about the road, a brother needed to let loose. Driving carefree felt good.
When I got inside, Amandi rolled up to me and rubbed against me.
“Perry, you seem tense. I just want to make you feel good.”
She looked good in her almost-see-through blouse. She kissed my neck, and I closed my eyes and let the good times roll. I knew she wasn’t Tori, but if Tori didn’t want to play, why should my fun end?
“Let’s go to my car,” I told her as I took her arm and headed back outside.
“Sounds good to me. Let me just take my kicks off, baby, and we can have some fun.”
As I walked with Amandi, I knew I didn’t know much about her. It was clear she didn’t have any morals. Always flaunting her body for the whole world to see. Guess she thought guys like it when they didn’t have to use their imagination to imagine her goodies.
I wasn’t trying to make this chick my girlfriend or anything. Just get my first time over, have some fun and move on. Guess I was about to become everything I hated in my boys.
When I got into my car it wasn’t about the music; it wasn’t about toasting with the root beer, and it sure wasn’t about laughing, talking and all that. This was about a physical attraction only. And as soon as she kissed me, it was on. Amandi was doing a lot of things with me, and they all felt wonderful. Though I did feel like I was doing something wrong, I couldn’t stop. My flesh outweighed my spirit. Before we could take it to that final step, though, there was a knock on my window.
Amandi said, “Ignore it. It’s not the police or anything.”
So I went back to having my fun, never looking up. However, the knock on the window grew stronger. When I reluctantly looked up, I saw Tori’s puppy-dog eyes swollen with tears. A sickening feeling welled up in my body. What in the world was I to do next? I was busted. How in the heck was I going to handle dealing with the drama?
9
Breaking Her Heart
As I pulled up my pants, I felt terrible. My eyes were locked with Tori’s. And although the foggy glass was between us, I saw the tears streaming down her face. I had crushed her.
She screamed like an insane person. “How could you do this?” Then she dashed away.
I raised my seat all the way up and hit the steering wheel really hard. I never meant for her to catch me. I never meant to devastate her. What was I to do now?
“Our time can’t be over,” Amandi said as she rubbed on my bare chest.
“I’m looking for my shirt. I-I need to go talk to her. Stop.”
“Pssh. Talk to her? You all right? We’re in the middle of something. I think she gets the message that y’all are through.”
“Look, I’ll catch up with you later. I need to speak to her,” I said before grabbing my shirt and opening up the car door.
Buttoning my shirt quickly, I jogged, trying to find Tori between the cars. I didn’t even think I was gon’ find her as I searched through the first two rows. But when I got to the next one, I saw her bent down in the dirt, crying.
“Aww, Tori,” I said, trying to pick her up.
But then she started kicking and swinging at me crazily. This situation was way out of hand.
“Let me go! Don’t touch me ever again!” she screamed.
“I’m just trying to pick you up. You shouldn’t be all on the ground like this. I get it. You’re mad at me. You wanna let me have it. Here I am, right here.”
“What is it, Perry? What does she have that I don’t? Everybody already knows that she is—”
I hated seeing her so messed up. “Don’t even do that, Tori. Don’t belittle yourself by talking ’bout other people.”
“What do you care? You’re belittling yourself by getting with her.”
“We didn’t even do nothing,” I said, but knowing she wasn’t gonna buy what I was selling.
With her hand on her hip she said, “Yeah, that’s because I came by and stopped y’all.”
All of a sudden, she unzipped her raincoat. Underneath, she was wearing only a fine black teddy. My eyes were stunned.
“I was coming to give myself to you tonight. I was going to tell you let’s go drive somewhere. I was ready. How stupid am I? I hate myself. I shouldn’t even live!”
Then she took off running. I chased behind her quickly. I was sort of confused by what I heard her say. Not even live? Was she talking ’bout killing herself over this? No!
I caught up with her, but she was already in her car. The doors were locked. She sped away, kicking the dirt on me. Full-speed, I jetted back to my ride. I just knew Amandi would be gone, since I’d told her I had to go talk to my girl. But the girl didn’t get it. She was in the backseat of my ride—nude.
I did a double take. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Before me was a guy’s dream, yet I knew I couldn’t entertain anything else with her. My girl was talking about ending her life. I could only pray she wasn’t serious. But I couldn’t take any chances. I had to catch up with Tori.
“Amandi, we gotta pick this up another time,” I said sensitively, trying not to make another girl lose it.
“You gon’ turn all this down?” she asked me. I saw her clothes in my passenger seat and I tossed them to her without turning around. “I don’t mind if you look,” she said.
“Come on, now. I gotta go. I told you that.”
“Go! Tori is the one that needs to go now. I don’t know why you like her, anyway,” she said as she leaned up behind my seat and placed her hands on my head. “She’s just a junior, Perry.”
“What does her grade level got to do with this? Please, put on your clothes. I’m serious. This is not good. She’s real upset, and I’m worried about her. I’ll call you.”
I heard her grunting angrily from behind my seat as she twisted and turned her body in all kinds of directions to try and straighten her tight skirt and tiny blouse. I felt bad. Now I had two girls to deal with.
“Okay, you gotta get out the driver’s seat so I can leave your little car,” she snapped.
When I stood up to let her out, she motioned for my hand to help her. I ain’t have no problem with being a gentleman, but I was in a hurry. I yanked her a little hard.
“Darn,” she said as she fell into my arms purposefully.
Then she kissed my neck and made her way to my
lips. What did she think, I was gonna change my mind?
“All right, Amandi. I gotta go.”
“Can’t believe you’re turning me down! Next time you won’t get off so easily. Go see about your lil’ girl!”
I threw my hand up to motion bye. I didn’t have time to be playing games. I was sorry the night ended the way that it did. I wasn’t trying to lead her on. I was serious about wanting to make things happen, but circumstances came and intervened and stopped all that. Right then, I needed to find Tori.
“You gotta get back inside the rink. I don’t want you out here alone,” I said as Amandi just started hanging by my ride.
“It ain’t like you care about me.”
“I do, Amandi. Go in there.”
As soon as I saw her walk through the door, I drove off. I drove around for twenty minutes trying to find Tori. I was having no luck anywhere. Then I remembered she and I parked sometimes in the new subdivision, Autumn Parc. They had only cut in the roads so far; no house construction had been started. Sure enough, I saw a car in front of me down a cul-de-sac.
As I got closer, I confirmed it was Tori’s. I parked my car next to hers. She was inside, her head was back, the windows were locked and her car was running. This was crazy. I banged on her window, but she ignored me. I went over to the other side and banged hard.
“Open up, Tori! This is crazy and I need to talk to you. Tori! Tori!” She wasn’t responding. “Don’t make me break this window. Tori!”
She opened her car door and fell into my arms. A pill bottle fell out as well. It wasn’t empty. It seemed she’d only contemplated taking them. I picked her up and sat her outside. Then I went back and turned off her car.
“Were you thinking about taking these pills, Tori? Huh? Tori, answer me! What were you thinking, Tori?” I asked. She was nonresponsive and real drowsy. “What is going on with you?”
Then she spoke: “No, what’s going on with you? For the last few years all I’ve ever dreamed about was being with you. Giving myself to you in every way. You have no idea how you’ve hurt me tonight!”
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