Damned

by Bec Botefuhr

  I look down. “That is a bad habit to have, believe me.”

  “I have lived a long time little girl; I know believe me but if you are not true to yourself, how can you ever expect anybody else to be true to you?”

  “Being true to myself has caused me a lot of grief.”

  “And a lot of happiness.”

  “What do you want from me Poseidon? It’s not a bit of slap and tickle, that much I have worked out for myself.”

  He grins, grasping my hand this time it doesn’t tingle. “As I said, you and I have something in common, and it draw’s me to you. I would like to be your friend. That’s all.”

  “It’s never all, that much I have learnt from my time living.”

  He stares at me. “I do need a favor, however, it has nothing to do with being your friend. You need somebody like me, somebody who can tell you when you’re wrong and right, straight down the line without emotion.”

  “What, I’m not good enough for you mighty Greek whore?” I grin, and he smiles back.

  “If Jack was to die too…I may line up.”

  I smile weakly; it is the nicest thing he would ever say to me, I know that.

  “Coz I am so loveable?”

  He snorts. “About as much as a ram.”

  “You’re so charming, it melts me.”

  He smiles and then turns to me. “I need help with something and you are the perfect person to do it. With those dazzling blue eyes and sexy ass.”

  “Was that a compliment?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Right then, with my eyes and ass, what can I do for you?”

  “Pretend to be my girlfriend.”

  I laugh. “Why Poseidon, have you lost your touch?”

  He eyes me. “No, I have not. The exact opposite. I have a… stalker.”

  I raise my eyebrows. “Really?”

  “Yes really, she is annoying the crap out of me. If it looks like I am taken, maybe she will back off. That’s where you come in.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes you.”

  “You want me to pretend to be your woman?”

  “For a little while. Maybe she will get a hint.”

  “Or not.”

  “I have tried everything else.”

  “Ok fine, I am up for a bit of fun.”

  “How good are you at acting?” He smirks.

  I stare at him. “Damn good. So where is this girl?”

  “She was sitting beside me, red hair, pale skin, red dress. Her name is Kate.”

  “That was her? You were letting her stroke you!”

  He shrugs. “Couldn’t be bothered fighting tonight.”

  “God you’re a hussy.”

  He glances at me from the corner of his eye but doesn’t say anything. “So, are you ready to be as lustful as I know you can be?”

  “Bring it on, oh and that lust I felt earlier, that was you wasn’t it?”

  He grins. “Another one of my many talents, I can make any woman lust me.”

  “Whore.” I smirk.

  He grasps my hand, leading me back inside. I glance at the red head sitting by his seat waiting for him. Her eyes meet mine, and she glares. I smile sweetly and bring Poseidon’s hand to my mouth, sucking on each of his fingers.

  “Is that the best you got?” He hisses, egging me on.

  “You aint seen nothing yet.”

  I turn towards him, wrap my arms around his neck and press a kiss to his mouth. He responds with equal enthusiasm, driving me further into the kiss as he tucks his arms around my body. Wow, is all my mind can muster up. The man can kiss. I know there is something about Poseidon and my relationship that makes me comfortable doing this. There is no emotion involved. It is just fun. I know if it was anybody else, painful guilt would seize me but this is not real, and that seems to help.

  “Does Jack know about this?” I whisper into his ear.

  “He does; he isn’t happy about it, but he will play along.” He murmurs into my neck.

  I pull back, as he grasps my hands and takes me to his seat. Kate is shooting me a fierce glare; if looks could kill, I would be a heap of dust on the ground.

  “Kate, this is Jade.”

  Kate seethes. “Is she joining us tonight PJ?”

  Joining them?

  “No, this is my girlfriend. I am sorry, but we will not be having any further relations. You understand, don’t you Kate?” He says sweetly.

  “Oh, sure.” She says through gritted teeth.

  I wriggle on Poseidon’s lap and feel he is actually excited. Dirty perve.

  “You could at least keep it down.” I think at him and he laughs.

  “My darling here is getting a little antsy, we must excuse ourselves.” He murmurs, patting my legs.

  I turn, rubbing myself against him and giving my best dreamy smile. “I need you, right now.”

  He runs his tongue over my lips, making me shiver. Damn.

  “Then I shall not make you wait.”

  “Poseidon wait.” Kate calls but he simply flicks his hand and drags me out of the room.

  I catch a glance at Jack as we walk out. He is glaring at me, anger flashing in his blue gaze. I look away; I shouldn’t feel guilty because this is not real, but his stare has me wondering if this is a good idea. My father has already taken Lilly back to her room, god what would I do without him? We make our way to Poseidon’s room, and he shuts the door behind us when we get in.

  “She is following us.” He says, sitting on the bed.

  “Well let’s give her a show.”

  He raises his eyebrows.

  “Getting into it are we?”

  “Not for real you whore house, we can make her believe what is going on in here is real.”

  He glances at me curiously. “I don’t see how that is possible.”

  “Watch and learn.”

  I throw myself back onto the bed with a loud moan; then I continue to gasp and pant before throwing myself into a fit of screams and moans, rocking on the bed to make it squeak while calling Poseidon’s name over and over.

  “Is this one sided?” I snap, glaring at him.

  He follows suit, throwing himself down beside me and groaning while thumping the wall. When it is over we both fall back onto the bed laughing as we hear her shoes stomp off down the hallway.

  “I underestimated you.” He breathes.

  “They all do.”

  I hear a knock on the door. “Jade?”

  “It’s Jack, I should go.”

  “Don’t cheat on me baby.” Poseidon grins.

  I shake my head and grin back. “You’re wicked.”

  I open the door to face Jack and my father.

  “We are done here.” I smile, stepping out and closing the door.

  “So, you know of Kate?”

  “Obviously.”

  “That’s good, hopefully she gets the message. She has been somewhat of a thorn in his side. Goodnight baby girl, I am going to bed.” Mack says, kissing my cheek before leaving Jack and I alone.

  “Fancy a walk?” Jack asks.

  “Always.”

  We walk into the gardens and sit on the same seat Poseidon, and I had sat on earlier. I am staring out at the ocean when suddenly Jack leans over and grasps me, pressing me desperately to his lips. His kiss is hot, sizzling and over whelming. I know it is just a game with Poseidon, just like acting but this…no this is not acting. I feel guilt swarm through me. I shove Jack back harshly.

  “NO JACK. How could you?”

  “Oh sweetheart, I am sorry…”

  “Stay away from me. Y-y-you know I am not ready. What happened tonight was a damned act, it meant nothing. I still love him, dead or not. I am not ready!”

  I tear into my room and fall to my bed, a minute or two later I hear a knock. I spit at whomever it is to go away. Poseidon walks in and shuts the door behind him.

  “Oh piss off.” I mutter.

  “I saw what happened; he didn’t mean it to be that way.”
<
br />   “He knows I am not over Jax.”

  “And he made a mistake, don’t kill him for it.”

  “You don’t understand, I have lost so much and…” I choke up.

  He shakes his head sitting down. “You can’t live like this forever. Honest to god, crying over everything? What does it solve? Nothing. Get up, stand tall, be strong and fight for what you love and believe in. Toughen up Jade or your life will never be what you want it to be. Did you really expect to love a pirate and it be happily ever after? He is a deadly creature of the ocean; life gets taken a lot easier in that case. You need to stop mourning and sooking, come on.”

  I gape at him, shocked. “Excuse me? I am not a sook.”

  “Really? How many times have you cried when things go wrong? How many times have you run off to your room crying instead of facing the problem? Well?” He cocks an eyebrow.

  “Your point?” I snarl.

  “You have to learn to be strong little girl. That’s where I come in. What would you do right now if Jax walked in this room?”

  “He’s dead, that’s a sick thing to say.”

  “Answer the question anyway.”

  “I would crumble.”

  He snorts. “My point.”

  “What do you propose I should do?” I snap, crossing my arms.

  “If he was to walk in right now, you wouldn’t crumble. You would be the strong wall, the back bone; you wouldn’t be this weak little girl you are.”

  “You want me to become you?”

  “It works, doesn’t it?”

  I shrug avoiding his gaze. “I don’t have it in me.”

  “Everybody has it in them.”

  “You’re right you know…” I whisper. “I am weak.”

  He slaps my arm, hard. “Self-pity, snap out of it. Lift your head, say it in a way that means you will change it. I AM WEAK!” He roars.

  “I AM WEAK!” I yell.

  “BUT I AM GOING TO CHANGE IT!”

  “I AM GOING TO CHANGE IT!” I cry, loudly. Then fall back laughing.

  “See how that changed the way you feel? Instead of wallowing, you felt it and accepted it. Now you’re over it, not sulking and telling me to get out of the room.”

  I smile. “You might be useful for something after all.”

  CHAPTER 21

  I train with Poseidon for three weeks, managing to pick up some impressive skills in many areas. Not only do I learn how to control my healing gift, I also learn how to become a stronger person, in every way. We are sitting at dinner one night after a massive training session, drinking and chatting. Poseidon leans to me after a small phone call and grins.

  “I am giving you a little gift. Let’s see how much you have learnt.”

  “What are you talking about? What gift?”

  “It’s coming love.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He winks at me, then glances at the door. “And in three, two, one…” He waves his hand and the door swings open.

  I turn to face the door, only to see Rusty and the crew walking in. I gasp, and my hands fly up to my mouth, don’t cry Jade, don’t cry.

  “Strong,” Poseidon whispers in my ear. “It’s not over yet.”

  Rusty sees me and his face melts into a mass of emotions, then he steps aside and…oh god no. No, it’s a dream. It is not real. He is dead, dead. Jax stands in the middle of the group, his eyes blazing into mine. It is a dream; god did Poseidon drug me?

  “W-w-w-what?”

  “I knew he was not dead, I helped the men locate and save him. My gift to you.”

  I stand; a choking sound comes from my throat as I step around the table and begin my slow, slow descent towards Jax. He looks different. Hurt even. He is still as strong and muscular as always, but there is something about his eyes…god what has happened to him? He is looking at me, but his gaze is lifeless, like he is no more than a shell with no soul. I feel the tears roaring down my cheeks; my walk seems slow, like in the movies. I can’t hear anything else around me, can’t see anything but him.

  As I near closer, I see his face is bruised, and battered. He has been beaten badly but has begun to heal so the marks are not heavy, but it does not take a genius to see they were bad. Oh god Jax, my Jax. What has happened to you? I finally stand before him, my sobs croaking from my throat. I reach out, my fingers graze over his cheek; he grasps me then pulling me so hard into his arms, I slam against his chest. He yelps and hugs me tightly. It all comes out then, the emotions of two long, horrible years. I scream and grasp at him; his hands tangle in my hair, and he desperately tries to get me closer.

  “Oh, Jade.”

  “Jax. You. Dead.” I stammer, shaking.

  “No.”

  I pull back from him, and his eyes are as blurred as mine are, I remember something then and freeze. Lilly…he does not know about Lilly. Oh shit, how do I tell him?

  “Jax…there is something I have to tell you right away, before anything else.” I say in a choked voice.

  His sad sad eyes meet mine, and he nods weakly. “You’re married?”

  “No,” I whisper. “I haven’t. Since you.”

  “Then what?”

  “Well…after you left…I knew something was wrong. When Jack delivered the news of your…of your…” I choke up, and he strokes my cheek, gently encouraging me on “of your death, I fell into a bad place but I seemed to be putting on weight even though I was not eating. Nine months later…Jax…you have a child.”

  He reefs his hand from my cheek and takes two steps back, his eyes wide and alarmed. “What?”

  “She is nearly two.”

  “Fucking no, no.” He roars, tangling his hands through his hair and backing out of the room. Ok, I knew he would be shocked but this? He turns and hurries out, leaving me standing dumbfounded and gaping.

  “Oh love, love,” Rusty says, stepping forward and pulling me into his arms. “He will be ok, give him time.”

  “Rusty…where was he?”

  Rusty’s face pales. “On Bill’s ship. He was nearly dead; he had been beaten and tortured for nearly two years. Jade he is fucked up. Really, really fucked up.”

  For Rusty to say those words, I know it is serious.

  “I am going after him.”

  I grasp my coat and rush out the door, getting hold of my car keys. I search for hours and hours, but I can’t find Jax, before giving up, I decide to check the one place I had hoped he did not go. The strip club. He is there, blind drunk, slunk back into a far booth alone. I walk over, knowing I have to be very gentle about how I approach this. He looks up at me and sways in his seat.

  “Jade…you fucking…you fucking…had a kid.”

  “Yeah, come on let’s get you home and we will talk ok?” Strong Jade; be strong. Be strong.

  “I…I…” He puts his head in his hands.

  My heart tears and I hold back my tears. “Come on sweetie, let’s go.”

  I take hold of his hand; he doesn’t fight me. He stands and falls into me; it takes two big steps to get my footing and I wrap his arm over my shoulders and hold onto his waist.

  “Come on, let’s go.”

  I lead him to the car; he stumbles at least eight times and throws up three. By the time we get into the car he is passed out cold, it takes a lot of effort to pull on his seatbelt and keep his head from slamming into the window. I get into the front seat and glance over at him, god my beautiful pirate. I stroke his hair and glance down at his shirt. Slowly, I lift the hem with my fingers and gasp. Across his abdomen are scars, so many it is hard to tell where they end and begin. Oh god, what did they do to him? I begin driving, my body trembling every few minutes. When I get home, I call Jack who helps me get Jax from the car to my room. We lay him in the bed and he groans, rolling over. Jack touches my shoulder and turns me towards him.

  “You have sick on you love, go and shower.”

  “Thank you Jack.”

  “It’s not going to be easy Jade…he is messed up.”<
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  “I love him Jack, I will not leave him now. He needs me.”

  He strokes my cheek, painfully. “You’re a good girl Jade, call me if you need any more help.”

  “Ok.” I whisper.

  I follow Jack out and drop into Lilly’s room. She is tucked in her bed, her little face peaceful. I stroke her curls, pressing a kiss to her soft little cheek.

  “He will come around baby girl, I promise.”

  I slowly close her door as I leave, then slip back into my own room. Jax is still passed out on the bed; I sit next to him, watching him for the longest time. I glance over at the clock after an hour or so of curling up beside his silent body and decide it is best to go and get clean. I slip into the bathroom, filling the tub with hot soapy suds. I slide out of my clothes and glance at myself in the mirror, around my neck is the necklace he gave me all those years ago. Emotions hit me then, hard.

  I sink into the tub, tears roaring down my cheeks as I sob heavily. God the pain for him, for me and for Lilly. I shake, my shoulders trembling with each rack of sobs that over take me. I grip my fingers through my hair, screaming between my teeth. God Dammit, it is so hard. I missed him, thought he was dead, and it was not real…and his pain, god his pain. All this time he was alive, and I could have saved him. Oh god. I look up and yelp. Jax is standing at the door, just staring at me.

  I swipe at my eyes and suck in a ragged breath. “Sorry, I was just…washing and…”

  He tilts his head, his green eyes so pained. He steps forward and slides off his shirt. I gasp loudly at the damage to his chest. I feel my breathing deepen until I am panting.

  “Don’t…” He says, in a choked voice.

  I put a clamp down on my reaction, and watch him continue to undress. It is then I notice the piercings. He has them in his nipples and his, oh. My eyes widen, and he glances down, then sighs.

  “I did that…it helped.”

  I nod, confused but choose not to push it. He slides into the bath behind me, pulling my body against his. Our legs entwine and my head falls back into his shoulder. He traces the tears from my eyes, wiping them gently away. He leans his head down, so his cheek rests against mine, and he wraps his arms tightly around me. Neither of us dare to make a move, dare to take anything further. What we both need more than anything, is comfort.