by Lauren Runow
Mackenzie looks at Aaron, then back at me. “What? How?” She laughs and covers her mouth in shock. “Are you serious?”
I chuckle at how cute she is. “Mackenzie, meet Aaron. Aaron, this is my girl, Mackenzie.”
“Shut up!” she yells in surprise.
“I told you. It’s not about your sickness. This is about living. I wanted to show you how much I care. I may not be a rock star, writing a song for you, but I can surely relive one. You told me I was your fantasy growing up. So let me be your fantasy now.”
Tears spill from her eyes as she places my head between her hands and kisses me.
“I mean it, Kenzie. I’ve fallen in love with you,” I whisper.
“I’ve always loved you.” Her lips softly touch mine again.
“Okay. Um, Aaron, how about we get these handcuffs off me now so I can hug my girl?” I tease.
Aaron unlocks my wrists, and I waste no time wrapping my arms around her. Kissing her like I want to everyday for as long as I can.
15
Dear Diary,
I know I’m stubborn to a fault. You don’t have to tell me twice. I get it. All I have to say is thank God Connor is too. Because he told me he loved me. My life is complete. From here on out things can only get better.
Mackenzie
Mackenzie
“Hey look, we actually do have another roommate,” Katy announces as I show up the next morning.
I shut the door and instantly fall against it, feeling like I need to hold on to it before I float away. “You guys….” I say with a huge smile. “He told me he loves me.”
“Shut up!” Chantel says, running up to give me a hug. “That’s amazing. But honestly, the way he sold you on being our roommate, I’m not the least bit surprised.”
“So tell us about it,” Katy says excitedly from the couch.
Telling them about last night means I’ll have to tell them everything, so I opt for a white lie. “It was so simple, so amazing, so us. I just can’t believe it. I’m going to shower. He took a personal day so I’m meeting him again to spend the day together.”
“I think we better start looking for a new roommate,” Robin teases. “It’s only a matter of time before she moves in with him.”
“Oh stop. It’s not like that,” I say over my shoulder as I leave the room.
“Uh-huh. That’s what they all say,” she yells back.
Before I undress, I sit down on the bed and call Tracy. It rings three times before she answers.
“Hi,” she barely whispers. “Do you hate me?”
“I did, but I don’t anymore. I'm calling to thank you for telling him. You were right. He deserved to know.”
“Oh, thank God! I was so freaked out these past few days. Connor told me you were pretty upset and when you didn’t return my phone calls or texts, I was tempted to drive to the city myself.”
“I’m sorry about that. I just needed time, you know?”
“Oh, I know. That’s the only reason I wasn’t on your doorstep. Believe me, if you hadn’t called me today, I was ready to head your way.”
“You don’t have to worry about me. Things are good. Life is good.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” A brief silence falls. “Kenzie…?”
“Yeah?”
“He really likes you. He told me so.”
“Yeah, he told me too.”
She sighs into the phone. “You deserve this. I still can’t believe you’ve had a crush on him all this time. Wait, this better not be why you’re my best friend. Have you been scamming me all these years just to get at my brother?” She laughs and I can’t help but join in with her.
“Dammit, you finally caught on,” I tease.
“Ha, ha, ha. Love you, girl.”
“Love you too.”
An hour later I knock on Connor’s door. He opens it immediately, kissing me before even saying hello.
“So what were you thinking for today?” I ask when we finally part.
“I want to chill. Hang out together. I thought we could lay on a beach, have a lazy day,” he says.
“The beach. Okay, I’ll get my suit.” I look down at the jeans and long sleeved shirt I’m wearing.
“Oh, no.” He grins. “This is San Francisco, remember?” He reaches for the blanket he has sitting on the couch. “We’re going to Ocean Beach. We’ll probably start a fire to keep us warm and cuddle under the blanket.”
“Oh yeah, how dare I think a beach actually be warm in this town.”
“It can be, just not today. Ready?”
I nod, and he takes my hand in his and leads me out the door.
For a summer day, this San Francisco beach is nothing you would expect. Besides a few surfers I see off in the distance, the area around us is empty. There are no families playing in the sand or frolicking in the water. Nothing but a cold coastal breeze.
Connor dug a fire pit while I laid out the blankets in the perfect spot. Being able to sit here, watching him and not having to hide it brings warmth to my heart. He catches me staring and grins back before fetching wood from the car.
Once the fire is lit, I lay back on his chest, curl between his legs and lean my head on his shoulder. “Do you want to know everything?”
“I do but only if you’re ready to tell me,” he says, kissing my head and caressing my arms.
I haven’t talked to many people about it. My parents were with me at the doctor appointments, and Tracy is the only other person who knows. When I told her, I didn’t really get into the details, not wanting to go down that road. I’m ready though.
“A few months ago, I was sitting in class and the small toe on my left foot started to tingle. I thought I was just sitting funny or pinching a nerve, but it didn’t go away and eventually spread to my other toes.”
I entangle my hand with his; thinking about how different my life was then. How carefree I was. The things that were important then don’t even show up on my radar anymore.
“Over the next few days, the tingling moved to my entire foot, and that’s when I called my parents, thinking maybe I should see a chiropractor or something. From there, everything happened fast. I went to the doctor on campus, and they immediately referred me to the hospital for more tests.”
I watch the ocean waves roll in, remembering the thoughts going through my mind while I waited for the test to be run.
“I could tell it wasn’t good news, because they ordered more tests right away and contacted a specialist. When they came back, showing the tumor, we knew things were very serious. My parents flew out to see me and meet with the doctors. Decisions were made, and they contacted doctors at UCSF hospital so I could transfer there. I moved home a week later and had surgery two days after that.”
I show him the scar on the back of my head that I’ve tried to hide from everyone by making sure my hair is down, covering it until now.
“They were hopeful at first, since we caught it so early, but it was larger than they thought and wrapped around parts of my brain like an octopus’s tentacles. It’s only a matter of time before the tentacle portions push their way through, causing more trouble.”
I lift my hand, playing with his fingers. This conversation—or me ranting and him listening—is really therapeutic. Being in his arms is giving me the strength to go on.
“They wanted me to undergo all this treatment and radiation, but even with that, they only gave me twelve to fifteen months to live.” I turn to him. “Did you know that part?”
He tucks my hair behind my ear, holding it there as the wind blows. “My friend is a doctor. I met with him the other night, and he filled me in on your diagnosis, the good and the bad. I'm glad they’ve given you a good time frame. Alan said it could have been much less.”
The way his strength in this subject wraps around me, holding me together before I fall apart, is something I never knew I needed until right this second.
“Yeah, since they got a big portion of it my life expectancy raised. Did Tracy tell you why
I moved to San Francisco?”
“Does it have something to do with your diagnosis, or was it only for me?” he teases.
“No.” I slap his leg, loving the laughter he’s bringing to my soul while I bare it. “You were an added bonus.” I turn to kiss his cheek. “There is a study going on that I was accepted for. I go sit under this laser every day for a few hours at a time. It’s at UCSF, so moving here just made sense. This way I don’t have to take any medications, and they are hoping the laser will kill it from the inside. I’m sorry I lied the other day about being at an interview…” I glance at him, feeling guilty that I lied to him. “I’m not trying to get a job. Thankfully, I was able to go on disability while in the study, and that’s helping with money. That, and my parents.”
He pulls me in tighter when I pause.
“That’s why it was such a huge deal that you found me a place to live. The rent is what I was paying for my college dorm, so there hasn’t been any difference in price. When I first started looking at places in San Francisco, I thought it was a hopeless endeavor.”
“I’m glad I could help. I plan on helping more. In any way I can.”
“You know you don’t have to do this, right?”
“You know I want to though, right?” he counters.
I lay back against him, enjoying the quiet he offers to my ever-going brain.
16
Dear Diary,
Life cannot get better, and guess what? My last test came back, and this treatment actually seems to be working. No new growth and still no symptoms, which is fabulous news! Maybe all I needed was Connor’s love to cure me. A girl can wish, right?
Mackenzie
Mackenzie
I've had the best month of my life. Every day has been spent either texting, meeting for a quick lunch, or spending the night wrapped in Connor’s arms. There’s never an awkward pause, and when we're not in the mood to talk, we're happy to enjoy the silence with him working and me reading.
I'm preparing dinner at his place when my phone rings. It’s the treatment center. I moved my treatments so I could have lunch with Connor every day. They said it was a stretch for them to fit me in, but I thought it was working for them so I'm really hoping they're not calling to switch me back.
"Hi, Mackenzie?"
"Hey, Rachel. What's going on?" She’s the head nurse I've gotten to know very well.
Every nurse and doctor within the study is super nice, but Rachel and I seemed to click the most. When I go in, she sits with me, talking about everything under the sun. She keeps me company so sitting as still as possible doesn't drive me absolutely insane.
She sighs, and the sound turns my stomach instantly. "Do you have a second?"
I turn off the stove and sit on a stool at the breakfast bar. "Everything okay?" I ask, getting straight to the point.
"It breaks my heart to tell you this but no, everything isn't okay."
"Why? What happened?" My nerves start the get the best of me, and my heart races faster with every second she doesn't respond. "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but the FDA has started asking a lot of questions and putting up red flags that they weren't going to approve our study, so our partners yanked the funding."
My heart stops beating, and I can’t breathe. Thoughts rush through my head, all leading to one thing: this can’t be happening.
"Oh no. But. I mean, um, what does this mean for me? Do I get to finish? We just barely started," I whisper, trying to hold back tears.
The treatments were supposed to happen over an eight-month span, and I'm hardly finished with my second month.
"All our material and research belongs to our funding partner, so when they pulled the plug, they took it. That way, if they ever get the FDA issues cleared up, they would be able to pick up where we left off."
"But what does this mean for me?" I ask.
"I wish I had better news. Your best treatment option now is radiation and chemo," she states with obvious pain. "I'm so sorry, Kenzie. I was really hoping you would be our first case to beat this nasty tumor."
My lip trembles. Things were going so well.
My life? Connor? My hands shake, and I think I’m going to throw up.
"Marcus is calling everyone else, but I wanted to be the one to tell you. I mean it, Kenzie. You were going to be my reason to open that bottle of champagne I've been saving to celebrate this study when we kicked your cancer’s ass."
I let out a tiny laugh.
"You'll keep in touch, right?"
"Yeah," I say, choking on tears.
"Well. I'll let you go. I'm really sorry."
"I know," I whisper. "Bye, Rachel."
I hang up and sob. I haven’t had any symptoms, so I assumed things were going well. I started to believe I was going to be okay. I thought I would be cured.
That feeling of security just disappeared.
A few minutes later, Connor walks through the door, takes one look at me, and says, "Kenzie, what's wrong?"
My face is covered in the ugliest tears I'm sure he's ever seen. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why now?
"Baby, please tell me what happened. Why are you crying?"
I gather myself, taking a few breaths. We were both hopeful about the study and envisioned the treatments curing my cancer. Now all hope is lost. I can’t bring myself to say it out loud so instead I say, "They're canceling the study."
"What? How?" he asks, shocked.
"Something with the FDA. They lost their funding," I whisper through my trembling jaw.
"So what does that mean? What happens next?" He strokes my hair in the most loving and calming way.
"It means my chances are over. It's only a matter of time before I die, and if I don’t do chemo and radiation, it will happen sooner."
"What do you mean if? Isn't that what you have to do?"
The tears have stopped, but my heart is breaking in two. I want life. I want it with him. How long do I have?
"There's really no point. There’s no cure. Treatment might prolong my life, but in the end I’ll still die."
"But so does everyone at some point. Why not take the chance? You have to try, Kenzie."
"Connor," I whisper before closing my eyes as more tears well up.
"You have to try, Kenzie," he pleads.
“I already decided a long time ago that I wouldn't put myself through that. That's why I was part of the study. I don't want my last months to be spent in a hospital or sick in bed. I know it will happen already why make it happen earlier than it should?"
“Because you have me now,” he whispers as he pulls me into him. It’s almost as if he meant to say it to himself and not out loud.
My arms go around him, holding on for dear life as I sob into his chest.
When I wake up, my eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. I was an absolute mess until Connor wrapped me in his arms, making love to me like he never has before.
Every movement was considerate, every kiss was meaningful, and when we both reached climax, it was the most beautiful moment of my life. The love radiating off him was more than I ever imagined.
I reach out, wanting to feel his comfort once more, only I find nothing but an empty bed next to me. It’s two in the morning, and I wonder where Connor could be.
After wrapping a blanket around me, I wander into the living room. He’s sitting at the kitchen table, with his laptop and printer set up and multiple stacks of paper littering the surrounding space.
He doesn’t notice me standing there. He’s squinting at the screen and chewing on a pencil, looking back and forth between the screen and a paper next to him.
His vision turns to the paper and his finger scans it like he’s searching in anticipation, I’m taken by surprise when he yells, “Fuck,” and throws his pencil across the room.
The yelp I release gives away my presence. “What's wrong?” I ask, almost afraid to move toward him.
“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he says. “Go back to bed. I’ll be
there soon.” He dismisses me, which raises red flags.
“Something wrong with a case?” I ask, crossing the room toward him.
He’s looking at the Mayo Clinic’s page on glioblastoma and every piece of paper on the table is about my cancer.
“Connor,” I whisper.
“I have to do this. This is what I’m good at. I solve mysteries, I find the truth. I’ll find a cure. You’ll be fine. If I just research it more. I’ll talk to Alan. He’ll help me. I know he will. I just have to get everything together, learn as much as I can. I’m trying to find the study, what they were doing. Then I can find another investor. I know there’s money out there.”
He’s rambling, not making sense. I lean down so I’m at his level.
“Connor, look at me,” I demand.
“I can’t, baby. I have to work. I can’t stop now, I’m so close. Look, I have—”
He reaches for a piece of paper, and I stop him, cupping his face in my hands. “Connor, please. There’s nothing you can do.”
“Yes, there is. This is why I’m such a good lawyer. I always find the answer.”
“You can’t solve this, Connor. It’s not a case.”
He stands up in anger. “Yes I can! I will find a cure. I have to.” He looks at me, realization hitting him hard. “I can’t lose you…” he says in horror as he starts to shake.
I throw my arms around him, and he pulls me close, burying his head in my shoulder as he cries. He clings to me with every bit of his being.
“I love you, Mackenzie. Please don’t leave me,” he says through sobs.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m putting you through this. I’m sorry I’ve brought you this pain,” I cry.
Unfortunately, my plea only makes him cry harder.
17
Dear Diary,
This entire time I’ve worried about me, my life, my pain, my needs. Tracy warned me about hurting Connor’s feelings, and now I see the destruction I’ve caused in his life. The pain I worry he’ll never heal from. I did that. My selfishness has ruined his life. The guilt I feel is something that will follow me to the grave.