by Lauren Runow
I breathe a sigh of relief. “I can’t tell you what that means to me.”
“You’re a good man and a great lawyer, but family comes first. Call me if you need anything, you hear me?”
“Yes, thank you.”
I leave, unsure where my future leads or if I’ll even see this place again.
“What are you doing home so early?” Mackenzie asks.
We’ve been staying with her parents since we moved back. I’ve had my eye on a place down the road, and after I left work, I went to a real estate office and put my place in San Francisco up for sale, then put an offer on the house here.
I don’t want to think about what the future holds, but I need to start planning. There is no way I’m going to raise Mia in San Francisco, away from my parents and Mackenzie’s. I want her to grow up knowing her grandparents and surrounded by every person who loves her on a daily basis.
The property I found is perfect. It’s a block away from her parents’ house, giving me just enough of my own space, but they’re close if I need them. Both my parents still work, and her mom has always been a housewife, so it made sense being closer to them.
“I have a surprise,” I say, giving her a hug.
“What kind of surprise?”
“You’ll see. Let’s put Mia in a stroller and go for a walk.”
She eyes me suspiciously but leaves to get the stroller. Ever since her incident a while ago she doesn’t walk while carrying Mia.
Mia’s gotten so big. She started crawling and in no time can take off across the entire room. We have to use baby gates to block off an area so she can enjoy her freedom.
When she spots me from across the room, she sits up, squealing her happiness and holding her arms out. It’s how she greets me every day; I’ll never get over how much it melts my heart.
I pick her up and get slobbery kisses when she attacks my face, holding on to each side with her wet hands. I should be disgusted, but it just reminds me of how much I love this little girl, slobbers and all.
I secure her in the stroller, and we head down the block to where a local real estate agent is meeting us.
“What’s going on?” Mackenzie asks, wrapping her hands around my arm for stability as I push Mia. She’s weaker and needs someone with her when she walks more than a few steps.
“I took a leave of absence from work today.”
“Connor, no. Why?” she asks, saddened by the news.
“Because I was missing too much with you while I was at work. We only have a little time left together. I want to be here for it.”
She leans up to kiss my cheek. We don’t talk about the fact that her time is limited. It would just be beating a dead horse. We know what our future holds. We don’t ignore it, but we don’t make it the forefront of our existence either.
“What did your boss say?” she asks.
“Surprisingly, he was on board.” I tell her how our meeting went.
“That makes me really happy.” She kisses me. “Is that the surprise?”
“No, that is.” I point to a For Sale sign in a nice-sized yard. A woman stands next to it smiling.
Her mouth drops open. “What?”
“I put our apartment up for sale today. If everything goes as planned, I can buy this with cash.”
“But, Connor”—she hesitates—“That’s your home. You didn’t have to sell it.”
“Hey, there’s no buts here. I don’t want to raise Mia in the city. She needs to be here with our families, where she can ride her bike and go to the park down the street.”
“Yes, she does.” Her voice cracks.
I kiss her sadness away. There’s no place for that right now.
“Come on. I want you to see it before I sign the official papers.”
We go inside, Mia in my arms. The agent gives us a tour of the two-bedroom place. It’s small and quaint but will be perfect for us, now and moving forward.
When I see Mackenzie sitting in the backyard smiling, I know I’ve struck gold. This is an image I’ll remember the rest of my life. The pure joy and happiness radiating off of her is my everything.
“You like it?” I ask, opening the sliding glass door.
“I love it, Connor. It’s perfect. It’s so cute and old-fashioned but updated where it matters. And look”—she points to a little playset already in the backyard—“she has her own playground.”
“She’ll love it here, and so will we.”
“Do you like it back here?” she asks, playing with Mia’s hands and talking in a sweet baby voice.
Mia laughs and squeals at her mom’s attention, and I wrap my arms around them both, holding my family in the backyard of our future home for the first time.
31
Dear Mia,
I’m at peace. I’ve been through every emotion possible, and I’ve come down to this conclusion. I’ve completed everything on my list and then some, you being the biggest part. I wish I could be here longer, but it’s time. I’m happy with the life I led and the love I’ve given and received. As this will probably be my last entry, I wanted to say goodbye. Thank you for making me so happy these last few months. You made my life complete.
Yours Forever,
Mom
Mackenzie
My headaches are getting worse, and the doctors have advised me to take a steroid for the pain. The medication will make my body swell, and I won’t look the same.
Connor and I had a long talk about it, because I didn’t want it at first, but when the seizures became more common and the pain more unbearable, I finally broke down. This will give me the ability to still live my life for these last few weeks to months, if I'm lucky.
I told Connor I wanted to take a nap, but really I wanted some alone time, so I could make a video for my beautiful Mia while I still look like myself. I know she won’t remember our time together, but I'm hoping these videos help her remember who I am.
It takes me ten tries, as I kept tearing up and having to start over, but I think I finally say what I want to:
Baby girl. My beautiful Mia. My M&M. You have been the most promising, amazing thing to ever happen to me. Your smile has gotten me through tough moments. Even though I won’t be here with you, please know that I’ll be your guardian angel, by your side every day, getting you through the tough times.
Talk to me. I’ll always listen. You’re my shining light, and I will forever be yours.
Take care of your father. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Give him hell, keep him on his toes, and love him unconditionally, the way he loved me. At times you won’t think he’s being fair, especially when it comes to boys, but know that it comes out of love. Just make sure Auntie Tracy is on your side. When you’re old enough, she can share some stories of the things he used to do to her boyfriends, so know you’re not alone.
There is a box full of things I want to give you when you reach all your milestones in life. There is a scrapbook to hold all your awards and certificates in school, along with any important tests or art pieces you create. When you turn sixteen and get your license, there is an angel to hang from your mirror, so you know I’ll always be there to keep you safe. The lei is made of money; that’s for your graduation. I know it’s silly but I figured that would last longer than any flowers would.
And lastly, I’m giving you everything I kept from our wedding and your baby shower. I hope that when you find that special someone, you can find your something old, something blue and something borrowed right here.
Most of all, I want to thank you for saving my life, for giving me hope when I thought there was none, and for simply being you.
I will love you forever. Till we meet again.
I blow a kiss into the camera and press the stop button. I hope the video brings her peace and happiness in dark times, and I can help her heal the way she has healed me.
It takes me a few more minutes to compose myself again so I can make one more video. Every night I’ve sung Goodnight Sweetheart
to her so I film myself singing it to carry on our tradition after I’m gone. The song warms my heart and brings my spirits up again. When I’m finished, I head to the living room of our cute little house to be with my family for every moment I can.
After we put Mia to bed, I curl up on the couch with Connor; ready to tell him it’s time. “I’m going to take the medication,” I say, leaning back against him and holding his hand.
I feel his lips touch the top of my head. “Are you sure?”
I nod. “It’s time. My symptoms are getting worse, and I want to make this as simple and painless as possible.”
“Mackenzie,” he says breathlessly.
“Don’t,” I respond, blinking away tears. “We aren’t there yet. Can we just pretend one more night?”
He gets off the couch. I look at him in question, and he holds out his hand, urging me to follow him.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
He turns to me, pulling me into him and placing his forehead to mine. “Let me be your fantasy one more time.”
“Connor,” I whisper breathlessly.
He carries me to our bedroom. My arms curl around his shoulders, and I nuzzle into his neck, inhaling the intoxicating scent that is Connor.
He lays me down and removes each piece of clothing until I’m naked. He touches me, caressing every centimeter of my body. When he looks up, he tries to blink away the pain in his eyes, but I see it.
My heart melts when he says playfully, “You remember how this goes, right? You’re not allowed to touch me? Let me do this.”
Our first time together, when he knew it was me, plays in my mind, and I smile. I can’t believe we’ve come this far.
He covers me with his warmth. When his lips touch mine, I’m totally taken back to that night, when I thought my life was complete and nothing would ever get better.
Boy, was I wrong.
And it’s all because of him. He’s made my life complete in more ways than one. He’s showed me what love truly is and gave me the most amazing gift of all.
A fire I haven’t felt in ages blazes through me, and suddenly I don’t feel sick and I’m not tired. I just feel alive. I never want this feeling to end. Clutching the sheets, my lips never leave his as he pushes inside me.
Slowing his pace, he lifts me. “Open your eyes, Mackenzie,” he whispers.
I wasn’t even aware I’d closed them. His smile is luminous. I’m so in love with this man, and every day that love grows more and more.
His forehead touches mine as he slowly thrusts, kissing me gently and whispering how much he loves me. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever imagined.
It’s perfect.
After I fall apart in his arms, I wrap mine around him, holding on tight. When he finds his release, he buries himself in my neck and we cry ourselves to sleep, never letting go.
32
Connor
This last month has been extremely hard. Mackenzie went on the steroids, which have helped with her pain and some of the symptoms, but as the doctor predicted, her time is running out.
Her speech slurs more, and she stares off into space, seemingly in her own world. All I can do is watch my wife slowly fade away.
I get glimpses of her here and there, moments when she talks to me normally. She gets to hold Mia occasionally, but those moments are more and more rare.
The hospital set me up with hospice care, and they have been here for a few days now. Her mother has been helpful, taking over care of Mia for a while, then switching to sit with Mackenzie so I get a break.
I thank the Lord every day for giving us Mia. For the happiness she brought Mackenzie and the healing she’s giving me now.
Mia’s pulling on my face, giving me kisses, when Jean walks out of our bedroom. Her eyes are red. “She’s awake and wants to talk to you.”
Her hands reach out to grab Mia and she instantly pulls her in for a big hug.
I brace myself and go to our room, trying not to get my hopes up about just how awake she is. I touch her hand after I sit down next to her. Our eyes meet, and I see my girl, the Mackenzie I fell in love with.
“Hi, baby,” I whisper, leaning over to kiss her.
“I love you,” is all she says.
I caress her hair. “I love you too.”
“I’m so sorry I put you through this,” she says, barely audible.
“Stop it. I don’t want to hear you talk like that.”
“I want you to know I’m ready. I’m at peace, and I owe it all to you. I wish I could have given you the same happy lifetime you’ve given me.”
“But you have,” I insist, getting even closer to her. “You gave me Mia. She’s my forever with you, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for her.”
“You’ve made me so happy. I couldn’t have asked for a better life than the one I’ve shared with you,” Mackenzie says.
I take a deep, shaky breath, trying not to lose my cool in front of her.
“Thank you for everything—for Mia, for loving me, for giving me the best life I could have lived. I owe everything to you.”
I can’t fight it anymore and I lean in, kissing her lips with everything I have. Needing to feel her next to me, I slip off my shoes and crawl into bed. I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly, as I love on my wife for the last time.
There’s a soft knock on the door and I have to gather myself before I can respond. “Come in,” I finally get out.
“I’m so sorry but Mia fell asleep, and I thought Mackenzie would want to hold her one last time.”
A sob escapes me as Jean places Mia down between us, kisses her daughter’s forehead, and leaves.
Mackenzie leans down, placing her lips to mine while wrapping her hand around Mia, holding her closely as she drifts off to sleep.
Epilogue
Connor
Five years later
“Daddy, I’m ready,” Mia calls from down the hall.
It’s her bedtime, and our evening routine is the favorite part of my day.
I enter her room, which is covered in Disney princesses. In the middle of a tiny bed with a sheer canopy falling around it is my own little princess.
She pats the spot next to her, and my heart melts. I never would have thought I’d find so much happiness in being a dad, but I truly have.
Her eyes are exactly like Mackenzie’s and the way her brown hair falls softly past her shoulders does me in every time.
Next to Mackenzie, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She’s brought me more joy than I could ever imagine, and my life is absolutely complete just with her in it.
Of course I’d give anything to have Mackenzie back, but our life has been one that I could have never dreamed of.
My boss kept his word about holding my job, and even made it possible for me to work from home. I only have to travel to the city once or twice a week for meetings but otherwise I get to be here with Mia.
Both Jean and my mom take turns watching Mia, and of course Tracy is here every chance she gets.
Today was her first day of kindergarten and with our entire family on both sides there to watch her walk into the classroom like a big girl, I had to choke back tears. She’s so lucky to have so many people in her life, cheering her on.
She’s not just a normal daughter or even a normal five-year-old. She’s our hope, our connection to Mackenzie.
“Do you have the letter?” I ask, sitting next to her and pulling her into my arms. I love how tiny she is and how perfectly she fits curled up against me.
“It’s right here.” She reaches under her pillow and pulls out a letter that’s been opened and folded so many times, the paper is worn and soft.
I should transfer it to another piece of paper to protect this one, but every time I suggest it, she comes back with, “But that’s not the one Mommy held.”
I can’t fight that logic. This is the letter I gave Mackenzie all those years ago on the day of her baby shower.
&nbs
p; After Mackenzie passed, we found a box full of things she wanted Mia to have. In it was a diary that dated all the way back to the day we met, turned into letters specifically for Mia.
I sat, night after night, reading it until I laughed or cried myself to sleep. Of course there were a few pages I removed that aren’t fit for Mia to read—ever, but I’ve kept them close to my heart for years now.
The best part of the box was the videos she made for Mia. We get to enjoy them every night.
I’m lost in staring at my beautiful daughter when she laughs, nudging my shoulder. “Daddy, why aren’t you reading?”
“You know, you’ll be reading this to me by the end of the year.”
“Oh Daddy, don’t be silly. I know every word on here by heart already, but I want you to read it.” The way her eyes look into mine makes my heart sing. I can’t help it when I lean in to kiss her sweet cheeks.
“Okay, let me see.” I take the letter from her, carefully, opening it the rest of the way, and read the words I wrote to my wife all those years ago.
After I finish the first paragraph, Mia stops me, “I want to sing it tonight, Daddy. Is that okay with you?” She’s referencing the song I wrote called Last Chance.
I kiss her head as I whisper, “Go for it.”
Her head nuzzles into my chest when she sings, “It was dark until you lit up my sky. Sun shining down, making me open my eyes. The girl who’s been there for so long. My life cracking until you made it strong.” She pauses and looks up at me. “Daddy, do I sound like mommy when I sing it?”
Even though I never heard Mackenzie sing it, flashbacks of her at the karaoke bar run through my head. “You sound exactly like her,” I say.
Her face brightens with a big smile.
She turns back to her cuddle position. After she finished the song, I reach for the iPad, hit play to Mackenzie’s video of Goodnight Sweetheart, and listen to Mia’s sweet voice sing along with her mom. Her tiny hand wraps around my waist, hugging me as we enjoy the beauty of Mackenzie staring back at us.