“I Do Like You.” A duet between Pseudolus and Hysterium, in which the first slave shamelessly butters up the second, who is reluctant to join in on some servant/master scam. Cut.
“There’s Something About a War.” A hymn to mayhem and massacre, sung by the vainglorious Miles Gloriosus. Cut.
“Echo Song.” A solo for a courtesan from the house of Lycus named Philia. A virgin, she sings the song to the boy next door, Hero, her co-virgin. Replaced by “That’ll Show Him,” but restored in a revival.
“Love Is in the Air.” Originally, the show’s opening song, performed as a soft-shoe dance and sung by Prologus, who was played by the same actor who portrayed Senex. When “Comedy Tonight” replaced this number, Pseudolus became the Prologus and the only trace of “Love Is in the Air” that remains in the show is as instrumental background to the opening of Act Two. Much has been written about what a lifesaver “Comedy Tonight” proved to be in getting the show off the ground in the proper manner and style. It also provided us with a happy landing when, reprised at the final curtain, it served as a witty, musical wrap-up, one that had eluded us from the show’s inception.
“Invocation.” The first of three tries at an opening number.
“The House of Marcus Lycus.” Reduced to one verse during the New Haven tryout.
“Your Eyes Are Blue.” Cut in New Haven.
“The Gaggle of Geese.” Written for Erronius. Cut before rehearsals began.
“Farewell.” Added for the Los Angeles revival in 1971.
“What Do You Do with a Woman?” A song for the innocent Hero in which he asks for advice on the subject of amour from his far more experienced friend and next-door neighbor, Vino.
Vino? Those of you who know the play know there is no one named Vino in it. Those of you unfamiliar with it can read the pages which follow for as many years as we took to write them and not find anyone anywhere named Vino, not even a mention of him, for Vino was to suffer the fate that befalls many a dramatic character who does not survive the embryonic stage—he died in playbirth. Having survived through two or three drafts, Vino developed a severe case of anemia of purpose and never made it to the fourth.
We planned the action of Forum to take place before the entrances to three houses on a street in ancient Rome. In the center, the house of Senex, a patrician, and his family. To one side of Senex, the house of Marcus Lycus, a dealer of courtesans, a trader of tarts; on the other, the house of another patrician, Erronius, who has been abroad for some time.
From day one, that original geography remained intact. Early on, however, we had installed Vino in the house of Erronius, as the son the old man leaves behind to be looked after by his household slave, Hysterium. Vino was a dissolute youth, much given to wine, women, and, hopefully, a song that wouldn’t be cut. His constant companions were twin courtesans, purchased from Lycus, who were forever entwining themselves around various of Vino’s limbs, a pair of torrid tourniquets.
All of this kept Hysterium in a perpetual state of hysteria. He lived in fear of the flogging or worse he’d receive when Erronius returned for allowing his son to pursue such a decadent and expensive life.
Vino’s best friend was Hero, the son of Senex, whose own slave was Pseudolus, a name we borrowed from the title of a play by Plautus. The idea of twins comes from yet another, entitled The Menachmae. It was Pseudolus in whom Hysterium confided, looked to for advice on how to deal with the excesses of his young charge.
Pseudolus, too, had his hands full with his master, Hero, the only son of Senex and his wife of too many years, Domina. (Plautus was, naturally, the inventor of jokes on marital strife. In one of his works, two Roman citizens meet on the street. The first citizen asks the second, “How’s your wife?” The second citizen replies with a sigh, “Immortal.”)
Hero, too, is smitten with a young woman from the wrong side of the stage, having fallen in love with the most recent addition to Lycus’s inventory, the adorable, totally vapid Philia (about whom one might have asked, “Was 1 a good IQ?”) Pseudolus’s task was to keep Hero’s parents from finding out that their son coveted a common courtesan.
You will, of course, have immediately spotted the duplication of situations in the houses of Senex and Erronius, the common problem shared by Pseudolus and Hysterium. Not being as bright as you, it took us a couple of years to become aware of these redundancies. Once we did, we decided that Vino had to go. It was quite painless: over a number of pages we got the character drunk and then arranged for him to have a head-on collision with an eraser. He never saw it coming. We then moved Hysterium into the house of Senex, giving him the position of head slave, which created one more obstacle for Pseudolus to contend with in handling his problems with Hero. Best of all, the changes served to make the center house the center of the audience’s attention.
These revisions and others like them necessitated countless further alterations. If one could take Forum apart, unscrew the back of it, so to speak, it would be not unlike looking at the works of a computer or the jumble of different-colored wires telephone repairmen deal in. The play is that dense, that tangled. Add or subtract one character and his or her absence or altered presence affects the behavior of every other character in the piece.
“Simplify it,” George Abbott told the authors. “Stop writ ing all that ‘wrong-note’ music,” Leonard Bernstein told the composer. But we had no choice other than to write the show our way, which required the exhausting exercise of finding out what that way was.
In preparing this foreword, I’m indebted to Steve Sondheim for helping me recall a number of details I’d long forgotten. Thank God for his memory. My own, its warranty having run out some time ago, I forget exactly when, is such that more and more I find myself spraying my hair with room freshener.
I know I speak for both of us when I express our gratitude to Burt Shevelove, who died in April of 1982. Presenting us with the challenge of writing our Plautine comedy, Burt initiated an experience that was as entertaining as it was educational, one that has been a source of pride and pleasure for over a quarter of a century.
I hope that none of what I’ve written here—how difficult it all was, how long the writing took—has in any way sounded like a complaint. If I have one at all it is that we finally did finish it, did at last put together all our self-created puzzles, did make our way out of the maddening mazes in which we seemed endlessly to entrap ourselves, that the day ultimately came when we had no choice but to say goodbye to all of the terribly hard work that had become such a source of joy.
Odd, that I should have that same feeling as I write this; once more reluctant to let go of the play, to give it up, to let it belong to the audience. But in the theater that passes for my mind, I hear the orchestra tuning up, I see the comics in the wings rehearsing their leers, the courtesans practicing their pouts.
Anyone for a comedy tonight?
Larry Gelbart
17 September 1990
CAST OF CHARACTERS
PROLOGUS, an actor
THE PROTEANS
SENEX, an old man
DOMINA, his wife
HERO, his son, in love with Philia
HYSTERIUM, slave to Senex and Domina
PSEUDOLUS, slave to Hero
LYCUS, a buyer and seller of courtesans
TINTINABULA, a courtesan
PANACEA, a courtesan
THE GEMINAE, courtesans
VIBRATA, a courtesan
GYMNASIA, a courtesan
PHILIA, a virgin
ERRONIUS, an old man
MILES GLORIOSUS, a warrior
AUTHORS’ NOTE
This is a scenario for vaudevillians. There are many details omitted from the script. They are part of any comedian’s bag of tricks: the double take, the mad walk, the sighs, the smirks, the stammerings. All these and more are intended to be supplied by the actor and you, the reader.
MUSICAL NUMBERS
ACT I
“Comedy Tonight” PROLOGUS, PR
OTEANS, COMPANY
“Love, I Hear” HERO
“free” PSEUDOLUS, HERO
“The House of Marcus Lycus” LYCUS, PSEUDOLUS, COURTESANS
“Lovely” HERO, PHILIA
“Pretty Little Picture” PSEUDOLUS, HERO, PHILIA
“Everybody Ought to Have a Maid” SENEX, PSEUDOLUS,
HYSTERIUM, LYCUS
“I’m Calm” HYSTERIUM
“Impossible” SENEX, HERO
“Bring Me My Bride” MILES, PSEUDOLUS,
COURTESANS, PROTEANS
ACT II
“That Dirty Old Man” DOMINA
“That’ll Show Him” PHILIA
“Lovely” PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM
Funeral Sequence and Dance PSEUDOLUS, MILES, COURTESANS,
PROTEANS
“Comedy Tonight” COMPANY
ACT I
PROLOGUS enters through traveler, salutes audience, addresses them.
PROLOGUS: Playgoers, I bid you welcome. The theatre is a temple, and we are here to worship the gods of comedy and tragedy. Tonight, I am pleased to announce a comedy. We shall employ every device we know in our desire to divert you.
(During this scene, there are musical interludes during which PROLOGUS and the PROTEANS do various bits of pantomime and general clowning, using a prop leg. PROLOGUS gestures to orchestra, sings)
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
Nothing with kings,
Nothing with crowns,
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!
Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite:
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!
(During the following, he brings on the three PROTEANS)
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
PROTEANS:
Tragedy tomorrow —
PROLOGUS:
Comedy tonight!
Something convulsive,
Something repulsive,
Something for everyone —
ALL:
A comedy tonight!
PROLOGUS:
Something esthetic,
PROTEANS:
Something frenetic,
PROLOGUS:
Something for everyone —
ALL:
A comedy tonight!
PROTEANS:
Nothing with gods,
Nothing with fate.
PROLOGUS:
Weighty affairs will just have to wait.
PROTEANS:
Nothing that’s formal,
PROLOGUS:
Nothing that’s normal,
ALL:
No recitations to recite!
Open up the curtain —
(The traveler parts halfway, then closes as if by accident, causing confusion. After a moment, it reopens completely, revealing a street in Rome. Stage center stands the house of SENEX; on either side, the houses of LYCUS and ERRONIUS. SENEX’s house is hidden behind another curtain)
PROLOGUS:
Comedy tonight!
(Speaks)
It all takes place on a street in Rome, around and about these three houses.
(Indicates ERRONIUS’s shouse)
First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates.
(Sings)
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
(The PROTEANS appear in the upper window of the house and pantomime)
Something erratic,
Something dramatic,
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
Frenzy and frolic,
Strictly symbolic,
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
(Speaks, indicating LYCUS’s house)
Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women. That’s for those of you who have absolutely no interest in pirates.
(Sings)
Something for everyone — a comedy tonight!
(PROTEANS dance in front of the house; one of them disappears into the floor. PROLOGUS reacts, then continues, speaking)
Raise the curtain!
(Inner curtain drops into floor)
And finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son. Also in this house lives Pseudolus, slave to the son. Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece. A role of enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such . . . let me put it this way . . . I play the part.
(Sings)
Anything you ask for — comedy tonight!
(PROTEANS re-enter)
And these are the Proteans, only three, yet they do the work of thirty. They are difficult to recognize in the many parts they play. Watch them closely.
(PROTEANS appear in and out of SENEX’s house in assorted costumes as PROLOGUS comments)
A proud Roman. A patrician Roman. A pretty Roman.
A Roman slave. A Roman soldier.
(PROTEAN appears with crude wooden ladder)
A Roman ladder.
(PROTEAN enters, juggling)
Tremendous skill!
(He juggles badly. PROTEAN enters)
Incredible versatility!
(He fumbles in changing wigs. PROTEAN enters with gong)
And, above all, dignity!
(He strikes gong, his skirt falls)
And now, the entire company!
(The company enters from SENEX’s house and forms a line)
ALL (Sing):
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everybody — comedy tonight!
STAGE RIGHT:
Something that’s gaudy,
STAGE LEFT:
Something that’s bawdy,
PROLOGUS:
Something for everybawdy —
ALL:
Comedy tonight!
MILES:
Nothing that’s grim,
DOMINA:
Nothing that’s Greek!
PROLOGUS (Leading GYMNASIA center):
She plays Medea later this week.
ALL:
Stunning surprises,
Cunning disguises,
Hundreds of actors out of sight!
ERRONIUS:
Pantaloons and tunics!
SENEX:
Courtesans and eunuchs!
DOMINA:
Funerals and chases!
LYCUS:
Baritones and basses!
PHILIA:
Panderers!
HERO:
Philanderers!
HYSTERIUM:
Cupidity!
MILES:
Timidity!
LYCUS:
Mistakes!
ERRONIUS:
Fakes!
PHILIA:
Rhymes!
DOMINA:
Mimes!
PROLOGUS:
Tumblers! Grumblers! Fumblers! Bumblers!
ALL:
No royal curse,
No Trojan horse,
And a happy ending, of course!
Goodness and badness,
Man in his madness,
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy tomorrow!
Comedy tonight!
One — two — three!
(All exit, except PROLOGUS)
PROLOGUS (Addresses the heavens): Oh, Thespis, we place ourselves in your hands.
(To audience)
The play begins.
(Exits)
(Music up. PHILIA a
ppears at window of LYCUS’s house and HERO appears on balcony of SENEX’s house. SENEX enters from his house)
SENEX (Calls): Slaves!
(PHILIA exits, as PROTEANS enter from SENEX’s house, dressed as SLAVES, assume slavish attitudes)
We are about to start our journey. My robe!
(PROTEANS place robe on him)
My wreath.
(PROTEANS place wreath on his head)
DOMINA (Appearing in doorway of SENEX’s house): Senex!
SENEX (Frowns): My wife.
DOMINA: Slaves! Stop cringing and fetch the baggage!
PROTEANS (Exiting into SENEX’s house): Yes, yes, yes.
DOMINA: Senex, you are master of the house and no help at all. Where is Pseudolus? Where is Hysterium? Summon them!
(SENEX is about to speak, DOMINA calls out)
Pseudolus! Hysterium!
(HYSTERIUM enters from SENEX’s house. During the following, SENEX drifts toward LYCUS’s house)
HYSTERIUM: Ah, madam, you called?
DOMINA: Yes, Hysterium.
HYSTERIUM: And I answered. Ever your humble.
(Kisses hem of her cape)
DOMINA: Have you prepared my potions?
HYSTERIUM (Holds up small bag): Yes, madam. In addition to your usual potions, I have included one for tantrums and one for queasiness.
DOMINA: Thank you, Hysterium, slave of slaves.
HYSTERIUM: I live to grovel.
(Kisses her hem. DOMINA calls to HERO on balcony of SENEX’s house)
DOMINA: Hero, come kiss your mother goodbye.
HERO: Yes, mother.
(Exits into SENEX’s house. SLAVES re-enter, carrying baggage)
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