Four by Sondheim
Page 3
DOMINA: Slaves, take that baggage and go before us, you clumsies!
PROTEANS (As they scurry off): Yes, yes, clumsies, yes.
DOMINA: Senex! Come away from that house of shame!
SENEX (Crossing to her): I was just standing there saying, “Shame, shame, shame!”
DOMINA: Hysterium!
HYSTERlUM: Yes, madam?
DOMINA: Where is Pseudolus?
HYSTERlUM: Where is he indeed! I have not seen him since he dressed Hero this morning.
DOMINA: Tell him that while we are gone, he is to watch over Hero. He is to keep him cheerful, well-fed, and far from the opposite sex.
SENEX: My dear, the boy has to learn sometime.
DOMINA: And when that time comes, you shall tell him . . .
SENEX: Yes, dear.
DOMINA: ... what little you know. Now, go and fetch the gift we bring my mother.
SENEX: Yes, dear.
(Exits into his house, as HERO enters from it)
HERO: Good morning, father.
DOMINA: Ah, Hero. Your father and I are off to visit my mother in the country. What a joy it would be were you to accompany us. But, alas, the sight of anyone in good health fills my mother with rage.
(SENEX re-enters carrying a bust of DOMINA)
Ah, there I am. Do you think it will please my mother?
HYSTERIUM: Oh, yes, madam. The craftsmanship is superb.
DOMINA: And the resemblance?
HYSTERIUM: Frightening.
DOMINA: The time of farewell is at hand. Hysterium, slave-in-chief, here are my husband’s final instructions.
(SENEX opens his mouth to speak, she continues)
In his absence, his entire household is in your spotless care. Your word shall be absolute, your authority unquestioned.
SENEX: And furthermore —
DOMINA: We are on our way!
SENEX (Mutters): We are on our way.
DOMINA: Farewell, beloved son. Farewell, thoughtful Hysterium. Senex, come along! And carry my bust with pride.
(Exits. A beat, and then her voice is heard)
Senex!
SENEX: Yes, dear.
(To audience)
A lesson for you all. Never fall in love during a total eclipse!
(Exits)
HYSTERIUM (To audience): Well, to work, to work! Now that I am completely in charge, I am going to be a very busy slave.
(Sees HERO, who has drifted toward LYCUS’s house)
Here! Come away from there. You must never know what goes on in that house.
HERO: But I do know.
HYSTERIUM: You do?
(HERO nods)
Isn’t it amazing? Well, I can’t stand here talking.
(Goes to SENEX’s house, picks something from a column, stamps it out, grimaces, enters house, calling)
Pseudolus!
(HERO watches him go, then turns to audience)
HERO (Sings):
Now that we’re alone,
May I tell you
I’ve been feeling very strange?
Either something’s in the air
Or else a change
Is happening in me.
I think I know the cause,
I hope I know the cause.
From everything I’ve heard,
There’s only one cause it can be ...
Love, I hear,
Makes you sigh a lot.
Also, love, I hear,
Leaves you weak.
Love, I hear,
Makes you blush
And turns you ashen.
You try to speak with passion
And squeak,
I hear.
Love, they say,
Makes you pine away,
But you pine away
With an idiotic grin.
I pine, I blush,
I squeak, I squawk.
Today I woke
Too weak to walk.
What’s love, I hear,
I feel . . . I fear . . .
I’m in.
(Sighs)
See what I mean?
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ...
(I hum a lot, too.)
I’m dazed, I’m pale,
I’m sick, I’m sore;
I’ve never felt so well before!
What’s love, I hear,
I feel . . . I fear . . .
I know I am ...
I’m sure ... I mean . . .
I think . . . I trust . . .
I pray . . . I must . . .
Be in!
Forgive me if I shout . . .
Forgive me if I crow . . .
I’ve only just found out
And, well . . .
I thought you ought to know.
(PROTEANS enter dressed as CITIZENS, holding PSEUDOLUS by the arms. They utter obviously fake chatter)
HERO: Pseudolus!
FIRST CITIZEN (Salutes): Citizen! This is your slave? He was parading as a citizen.
PSEUDOLUS: Believe me, master, I was not parading. This is parading.
(Demonstrates)
I was walking.
(Starts to walk off. CITIZEN stops him)
SECOND CITIZEN: Come back here!
THIRD CITIZEN (To HERO): He invited us to game with him, and, in a matter of moments, he had taken all our money.
FIRST CITIZEN: He was using weighted dice!
HERO (To PSEUDOLUS): Return the money.
SECOND CITIZEN: He took nine minae.
PSEUDOLUS: Nine?! I took seven!
HERO: Give them nine.
PSEUDOLUS (Handing coins to CITIZEN): One, two, three, four ... I am being cheated out of the money I won fairly.
HERO: Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS (Giving CITIZENS coins): Seven, eight.
FIRST CITIZEN: What happened to five and six?
(HERO glares at PSEUDOLUS)
PSEUDOLUS: I’m coming to them. Nine, five, six!
(Hands them three more coins)
SECOND CITIZEN: Come, fellow citizens!
(CITIZENS exit, chattering)
PSEUDOLUS (Sheepishly): I should be whipped . . . gently. But I only did it for money. I thought if I could raise enough you’d let me buy my freedom from you.
HERO: Oh, Pseudolus, not again!
PSEUDOLUS: It’s all I think about. I hate being a slave.
HERO: Better a slave than a slave to love.
PSEUDOLUS: That’s easy for you to ... Love? You? Tell me, master, who is she? Anyone I know?
HERO: Sometimes you can see her through that window.
(Points to LYCUS’s house)
PSEUDOLUS: Through that win —
(Horrified)
A courtesan in the house of Lycus? Your parents would be outraged if they could hear you.
HERO: I don’t care!
PSEUDOLUS: Do you know how many minae a girl like that would cost?
HERO: And worth every drachma! Oh, Pseudolus, I would give anything for her.
PSEUDOLUS: You would? You really love this girl?
(HERO sighs)
I like the way you said that. Now, you cannot afford to buy this girl, but in spite of that, suppose someone, someone with tremendous cunning and guile, could arrange for her to be yours.
HERO: Yes?
PSEUDOLUS: If that someone could arrange it, what would you give me?
HERO: Everything!
PSEUDOLUS: Everything? What do you own? Twenty minae, a collection of sea shells and me.
HERO: Right.
PSEUDOLUS: You don’t have to give me the twenty minae, or the sea shells. If I get you that girl, just give me me.
HERO: Give you you?
PSEUDOLUS: My freedom.
HERO: Pseudolus! People do not go about freeing slaves.
PSEUDOLUS: Be the first! Start a fashion!
HERO (A pause, then): Get me that girl!
PSEUDOLUS: And if I can?
HERO: You are freel
PSEUDOLUS: I am what?
&nb
sp; HERO: Free!
PSEUDOLUS: Free!
(Sings)
Oh, what a word!
Oh, what a word!
(Speaks)
Say it again!
HERO: Free!
PSEUDOLUS (Sings):
I’ve often thought,
I’ve often dreamed
How it would be ...
And yet I never thought I’d be ...
(Speaks)
Once more.
HERO: Free!
PSEUDOLUS (Sings):
But when you come to think of such things . . .
A man should have the rights that all others . . .
Can you imagine
What it will be like when I am ...
Can you see me?
Can you see me as a Roman with my head unbowed?
(Sing it good and loud . . . )
HERO:
Free!
PSEUDOLUS:
Like a Roman, having rights
And like a Roman, proud!
Can you see me?
HERO:
I can see you!
PSEUDOLUS:
Can you see me as a voter fighting graft and vice?
(Sing it soft and nice . . . )
HERO:
Free.
PSEUDOLUS:
Why, I’ll be so conscientious that I may vote twice!
Can you see me?
Can you see me?
When I’m free to be whatever I want to be,
Think what wonders I’ll accomplish then!
When the master that I serve is me and just me,
Can you see me being equal with my countrymen?
Can you see me being Pseudolus the Citizen?
Can you see me being . . . ?
Give it to me once again!
HERO:
Free!
PSEUDOLUS:
That’s it!
HERO:
Free!
PSEUDOLUS:
Yes!
HERO:
Fr ...
PSEUDOLUS (Claps his hand over HERO’s mouth):
Now, not so fast!
I didn’t think . . .
The way I am,
I have a roof,
Three meals a day,
And I don’t have to pay a thing . . .
I’m just a slave and everything’s free.
If I were free,
Then nothing would be free,
And if I’m beaten now and then,
What does it matter?
HERO (Softly, seductively):
Free.
PSEUDOLUS (Brightening):
Can you see me?
Can you see me as a poet writing poetry?
All my verse will be ...
HERO:
Free!
PSEUDOLUS:
A museum will have me pickled for posterity!
Can you see me?
HERO (With a grimace):
I can see you!
PSEUDOLUS:
Can you see me as a lover, one of great renown,
Women falling down?
HERO:
Free?
PSEUDOLUS: No,
But I’ll buy the house of Lycus for my house in town.
Can you see me?
Can’t you see me?
Be you anything from king to baker of cakes,
You’re a vegetable unless you’re free!
It’s a little word, but oh, the difference it makes:
It’s the necessary essence of democracy,
It’s the thing that every slave should have the right to be,
And I soon will have the right to buy a slave for me!
Can you see him?
Well, I’ll free him!
When a Pseudolus can move, the universe shakes,
But I’ll never move until I’m free!
Such a little word, but oh, the difference it makes:
I’ll be Pseudolus the founder of a family,
I’ll be Pseudolus the pillar of society,
I’ll be Pseudolus the man, if I can only be ...
HERO:
Free!
PSEUDOLUS:
Sing it!
HERO:
Free!
PSEUDOLUS:
Spell it!
HERO:
F-r-double ...
PSEUDOLUS:
No, the long way . . .
HERO:
F-R-E-E —
BOTH:
FREE!!!
(LYCUS enters from his house, calls into it)
LYCUS: What a day! What a day! Come out here!
(PROTEAN, dressed as EUNUCH, enters from house, holding fan)
What do you think you are doing, eunuch? I have told you a thousand times not to fan the girls while they’re still wet! You’ll never learn. You’ll be a eunuch all your life!
(EUNUCH exits into house. LYCUS turns to audience)
What a day! I have to go to the Senate this morning. I’m blackmailing one of the Senators.
(Starts off, as PSEUDOLUS whispers to HERO)
PSEUDOLUS: Quick! Your money bag!
(HERO hands him money bag)
Good morning, Lycus.
(Jingles money bag behind LYCUS’s back. LYCUS stops)
LYCUS: I know that sound, and I love it.
(Turns to PSEUDOLUS)
Is that money?
PSEUDOLUS: What do you think?
LYCUS: How did you come to all this?
PSEUDOLUS: An unexpected legacy. My uncle Simo, the noted Carthaginian elephant breeder, came to an untimely end. He was crushed to death on the last day of the mating season. This morning I bought my freedom.
LYCUS: Congratulations!
PSEUDOLUS: With this much left over for one gross indulgence.
LYCUS: Good.
PSEUDOLUS: Lycus, I am now in the market for a lifetime companion. Tell me, have you anything lying about in there, anything to satisfy an Olympian appetite?
LYCUS: Pseudolus, friend and citizen, I have traveled the world in search of beauty, and I can say with modesty that I have the finest assortment in Rome.
PSEUDOLUS: Show me.
(LYCUS claps his hands)
LYCUS: Eunuchs! A buyer!
(EUNUCHS enter from LYCUS’s house, drape banner over door. PSEUDOLUS sits On stool. LYCUS sings)
There is merchandise for every need
At the house of Marcus Lycus.
All the merchandise is guaranteed
At the house of Marcus Lycus.
For a sense of sensuality
Or an opulence thereof,
Patronize the house of Marcus Lycus,
Merchant of love.
For your most assured approval and your more than possible purchase, here are the fruits of my search. Behold ... Tintinabula.
(TINTINABULA enters from behind banner, poses)
Out of the East, with the face of an idol . . . the arms of a willow tree . . . and the pelvis of a camel.
(She dances. PSEUDOLUS looks at HERO, who shakes his head no)
PSEUDOLUS (To LYCUS): Don’t you have anyone in there a bit less . . . noisy?
LYCUS: I have. May I present Panacea.
(PANACEA enters)
To make her available to you, I outbid the King of Nubia. Panacea, with a face that holds a thousand promises, and a body that stands behind each promise.
(PANACEA dances. HERO shakes his head no. PSEUDOLUS looks PANACEA over, yawns)
You are disturbed?
PSEUDOLUS: The proportions. Don’t misunderstand me.
(Spreading his hands before her bosom)
I love the breadth. It’s the length. She may be the right length, but is it right for me? You see what I mean.
(Stands with her, back-to-back)
Isn’t she a bit too short?
LYCUS: Definitely not.
PSEUDOLUS (Wiggles, then): Too tall?
LYCUS: No. Like that you look perfect together.
PSEUDOLU
S: Yes, but how often will we find ourselves in this position?
(Turns to face her)
Perhaps if we ...
LYCUS: No need to compromise. Consider the Geminae.
(GEMINAE enter)
A matched pair.
(They dance)
Either one a divinely assembled woman, together an infinite number of mathematical possibilities. They are flawless.
(HERO shakes his head no)
PSEUDOLUS: I quite agree. But I am a man of limited means and I don’t suppose you’d break up a set.
LYCUS: I couldn’t. You understand.
PSEUDOLUS: Completely.
LYCUS: Fortunately, we still have . . . Vibrata.
(VIBRATA enters)
Exotic as a desert bloom . . . wondrous as a flamingo . . . lithe as a tigress . . . for the man whose interest is wild life . . .
(VIBRATA sings, dances. HERO shakes his head no. PSEUDOLUS goes to VIBRATA)
PSEUDOLUS: Lycus, all that I can see is a sight to behold, but I keep feeling there is something wrong. Perhaps a cleft palate, a hammer toe ...
LYCUS: Wait. I know exactly what you want. May I present ... Gymnasia.
(GYMNASIA enters, does bump. PSEUDOLUS falls off stool. HERO shakes his head no, but PSEUDOLUS is completely captivated)
Gymnasia, a giant stage on which a thousand dramas can be played.
(PSEUDOLUS circles her, stops behind her, gestures to LYCUS)
PSEUDOLUS: Lycus, could I see you back here a moment?
(LYCUS disappears behind GYMNASIA. He and PSEUDOLUS gesture. PSEUDOLUS steps into the clear)
Two hundred minae?! For what?!
LYCUS: Figure it out for yourself.
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, it is a fair price by the pound. But what disturbs me, frankly, is the upkeep. Perhaps you would have more success selling her to some fraternal organization. A group dedicated to good works. But on the other hand . . .
(Puts his head on her bosom)
HERO: Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, darling?