HERO: I hate him.
PHILIA: So do I. And I have a way to make him suffer.
(Sings)
Let the captain wed me and woo me,
I shall play my part!
Let him make his mad passion to me,
You will have my heart!
He can have the body he paid for,
Nothing but the body he paid for!
When he has the body he paid for,
Our revenge will start!
When I kiss him,
I’ll be kissing you,
So I’ll kiss him morning and night,
That’ll show him!
When I hold him,
I’ll be holding you,
So I’ll hold him ten times as tight,
That’ll show him, too!
I shall coo and tenderly stroke his hair.
Wish that you were there —
You’d enjoy it!
When it’s evening
And we’re in our tent for two,
I’ll sit on his knee,
Get to know him
Intimately,
That’ll show him
How much I really love you!
(PSEUDOLUS enters from LICUS’s house)
HERO: Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS: What has happened? Why are you not on the . . . ?
HERO: Her captain has come!
PSEUDOLUS: Where is he?
PHILIA (Points to ERRONIUS’s house): In there.
PSEUDOLUS: In there . . . ?
(Realizes she is referring to SENEX)
No, no, he was in there. He had to go to the Senate for an unexpected ovation.
HERO: Really?
PSEUDOLUS (Shaking his head no): Of course.
PHILIA: Does he still want me to wait on the roof?
PSEUDOLUS: Yes.
MILES (From inside SENEX’s house): Leave me alone!
PSEUDOLUS: No! Wait — uh — in the garden!
PHILIA: In the garden?
PSEUDOLUS: Yes. Behind that large clump of myrrh!
PHILIA: You will tell me when he comes?
PSEUDOLUS: Don’t we always?
PHILIA: Oh, Hero, if only you could come buy me from the captain.
PSEUDOLUS: If Hero has the captain’s contract, you will go with him?
(PHILIA nods yes)
It shall be arranged. Into the garden.
(HERO and PHILIA exit into garden. PSEUDOLUS hums “Free” as he pushes bench center stage. He calls)
Come out here! Come on out!
(HYSTERIUM enters from LYCUS’s house in virginal gown and wig)
HYSTERIUM: You didn’t tell me I’d have to be a girl!
PSEUDOLUS: A dead girl! The captain will see you, go on his way, and all will be well.
HYSTERIUM: No! It won’t do!
(He starts back into house. PSEUDOLUS stops him)
PSEUDOLUS: Please, Hysterium. We must convince the captain.
HYSTERIUM: That I am a beautiful dead girl?
PSEUDOLUS: Yes.
HYSTERIUM: He’ll never believe it.
PSEUDOLUS: He will. You’re delicious.
HYSTERIUM: What if he tries to kiss me?
PSEUDOLUS: He won’t kiss you.
HYSTERIUM: How can he help it — if I’m so delicious?
PSEUDOLUS: Hysterium, please — just lie on the bench.
HYSTERIUM: He’ll never believe I’m a girl. Look at me. Just look at me.
PSEUDOLUS: I can’t take my eyes off you.
(Sings)
You’re lovely,
Absolutely lovely,
Who’d believe the loveliness of you?
HYSTERIUM: No!
PSEUDOLUS: Come back!
(Sings)
Perfect,
Sweet and warm and winsome,
Radiant as in some dream come true.
Now
Venus will seem tame,
Helen and her thousand ships
Will have to die of shame!
(HYSTERIUM is becoming convinced; PSEUDOLUS presses his advantage)
You’re so lovely,
Frighteningly lovely,
That the world will never seem the same!
(Gently forces HYSTERIUM to lie back on the bench, folds his arms. Speaks)
Now, lie there, close your eyes, and think dead thoughts. Good!
(Starts into SENEX’s house, stops, with disgust, as HYSTERIUM sits up and sings)
HYSTERIUM:
I’m lovely,
Absolutely lovely,
Who’d believe the loveliness of me?
Perfect,
Sweet and warm and winsome,
Radiant as in some dream come true.
(PSEUDOLUS forces him down on bench)
Now...
(Speaks)
Shouldn’t I have jewelry?
PSEUDOLUS: Jewelry?
(Thinks for a moment, takes ERRONIUS’s ring from his finger, slips it on HYSTERIUM)
HYSTERIUM: Flowers.
PSEUDOLUS: What?
HYSTERIUM: I should have flowers.
(PSEUDOLUS gives flower to HISTERIUM. Sings)
I’m so lovely,
PSEUDOLUS:
Literally lovely —
BOTH:
That the world will never seem the same —
PSEUDOLUS:
You look lovely —
BOTH:
That the world will never seem the same!
(PSEUDOLUS gets him down on bench once more, covers his face with the veil, and folds his arms)
PSEUDOLUS: Fold the arms!
HYSTERIUM (Sitting up): Any coins he puts in my eyes, I keep!
(PSEUDOLUS pushes HYSTERIUM down)
FIRST SOLDIER (Offstage): Ho, there!
(SOLDIERS run on in pursuit of PANACEA, who exists into SENEX’s house. PSEUDOLUS Stops SOLDIERS)
PSEUDOLUS: I have been looking everywhere for you. Here is your captain’s bride. Dead!
(SOLDIERS crowd around HYSTERIUM)
Give her air!
(They jump back)
You had best break the sad news to your captain.
(SOLDIERS are reluctant. FIRST SOLDIER is pushed forward by others. He enters SENEX’s house fearfully. PSEUDOLUS looks at HYSTERIUM, then to SOLDIERS)
A virgin. A lot of good it did her.
(MILES enters with FIRST SOLDIER)
MILES: Oh, grievous day. Men, support me!
(SOLDIERS hold him)
How? How did she die?
PSEUDOLUS: Well, she just sort of rolled over and ...
MILES: Spare me! I cannot control my tears. I must cry.
PSEUDOLUS: Go ahead, you’ll feel better. Now that you have seen her, sir, I suggest you depart and torture yourself no longer. If you’ll give me the contract, I — I shall dispose of the body.
MILES: Ghoul! I will not leave without the comfort of a proper funeral service!
(HYSTERIUM shakes his head no. PSEUDOLUS blocks MILES’s view)
PSEUDOLUS: Sir, do you have time for that? I mean, isn’t there a war somewhere you should be — ?
MILES: Silence! I insist on conducting a funeral.
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, sir.
MILES: We need mourners.
PSEUDOLUS: We have them.
(To SOLDIERS)
Hold him firmly.
(SOLDIERS hold MILES. PSEUDOLUS exits into SENEX’s house)
MILES: The poor girl. To have died so young, without ever having experienced . . . me.
(PSEUDOLUS re-enters)
PSEUDOLUS: Sir, they will be here presently. While we wait, would you like something to eat?
MILES: No, thank you.
(Wails, then blubbers)
Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement.
PSEUDOLUS: Very good. Can you say, “Titus, the tailor, told ten tall tales to Titania, the titmouse?”
MILES: Do not try to cheer me. I am inconsolable!
(COURTESANS enter from SENEX’s hou
se, with a bit of black on their near-nakedness)
PSEUDOLUS: Gather around, handmaidens of sorrow.
MILES (Sings):
Sound the flute,
Blow the horn,
Pluck the lute,
Forward . . . mourn!
(SOLDIERS and COURTESANS wail so effectively that even HYSTERIUM is affected)
PSEUDOLUS (Tragically, over the body):
All Crete was at her feet,
All Thrace was in her thrall.
All Sparta loved her sweetness and Gaul . . .
And Spain . . .
MILES:
And Greece . . .
PSEUDOLUS:
And Egypt . . .
MILES:
And Syria . . .
PSEUDOLUS:
And Mesopotamia . . .
MOURNERS:
All Crete was at her feet,
All Thrace was in her thrall.
Oh, why should such a blossom fall?
(COURTESANS pound on bench, frightening HYSTERIUM, who falls to the floor. He scrambles back on bench, lies there, his arms unfolded)
MILES:
Speak the spells,
Chant the charms,
Toll the bells —
PSEUDOLUS (To HYSTERIUM):
Fold the arms!
(HYSTERIUM slowly folds his arms)
Sir, on behalf of the body, I want to thank you for a lovely funeral. I don’t know about you, but I’ve suffered enough. If you will just give me the contract, I shall take the body and . . .
MILES (Paying him no attention):
Strew the soil,
Strum the lyre,
Spread the oil,
Build the pyre!
PSEUDOLUS: A pyre? What kind of pyre?
MILES: A pyre of fire!
PSEUDOLUS: Oh, a fire pyre!
MILES: She must be burned!
PSEUDOLUS: Burned? Sir . . .
MILES: I want her ashes!
PSEUDOLUS: Captain, I implore you. It is not for us to destroy such loveliness. The Gods are awaiting her. They would not be happy if we sent up a charred virgin!
MILES: I cannot afford to offend the Gods.
PSEUDOLUS: Who can?
MILES (Sings):
All Crete was at her feet,
But I shall weep no more.
I’ll find my consolation as before
Among the simple pleasures of war!
(Speaks)
Bring me the contract.
(SOLDIER hands him contract)
I give her to the Gods.
(Puts contract on HYSTERIUM)
Take her then and lay her to rest. And I shall go my melancholy way. Men.
(Starts to go, stops)
Wait. A farewell kiss.
PSEUDOLUS: Of course.
(Kisses MILES on the cheek)
MILES: Not you!
(Pushes him aside, bends over HYSTERIUM)
PSEUDOLUS: Sir! You mustn’t!
MILES: Why not?
PSEUDOLUS: It could make you very sick. The truth is, she died of an illness contracted on Crete.
MILES: What illness?
PSEUDOLUS: The plague!
(There is general pandemonium. COURTESANS scream “The plague, the plague!” and run about wildly, exiting in all directions)
MILES: Silence!
PSEUDOLUS: The plague! The plague! Run for your lives!
(To audience)
Don’t just sit there! Run!
(MILES grabs PSEUDOLUS)
MILES: There is no plague!
PSEUDOLUS: What?
MILES: I have returned this day from Crete, and there is no plague.
PSEUDOLUS: Then what was everyone yelling about?
(LYCUS enters, hides behind pillar)
MILES (Leans over HYSTERIUM): This girl is alive!
HYSTERIUM (Jumps up): And she’s going to stay that way!
(Runs off)
MILES: Stop! After her, men!
(SOLDIERS run off)
PSEUDOLUS: I’ll get her!
(Runs off in apposite direction)
MILES: Wait!
(chases PSEUDOLUS)
LYCUS: Now all the courtesans have escaped. Eunuchs! I stand to lose a fortune in flesh!
(EUNUCH enters from LYCUS’s house)
Find the girls! Bring them back!
(EUNUCH exits, chattering. LYCUS exits. HYSTERIUM re-enters, hiding face with leafy branch)
HYSTERIUM: I’ve got to get out of these clothes! I’m calm, I’m calm.
(SENEX enters from ERRONIUS’s house, spots HYSTERIUM, goes to him)
SENEX: Ah, there you are, my little dove!
(Cooing)
You don’t have to be afraid of me.
(Leads HYSTERIUM to bench, seats him on his lap)
My slave has prepared a little feast. I want you to serve it to me in there.
(Points to ERRONIUS’s house)
Do you understand? Go, then.
(HYSTERIUM exits into SENEX’s house. SENEX exits into ERRONIUS’s house, singing “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid.” HYSTERIUM pokes his head out of door and ducks back into house as he sees EUNUCH enter with VIBRATA. EUNUCH pushes her into LYCUS’s house, exits, chattering. HYSTERIUM starts out of house once more as PSEUDOLUS runs on, kicks him from behind)
HYSTERIUM: Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS: I ought to give you worse than that! What did you do with the contract?
HYSTERIUM: I gave it to a soldier, He wants to meet me later tonight.
PSEUDOLUS: Well, get it. I need it.
MILES (Offstage): He dies!
PSEUDOLUS: Look out!
(PSEUDOLUS and HYSTERIUM run off in opposite directions. MILES runs on, runs off after HYSTERIUM, shouting)
MILES: This way, men! I have found her!
(SOLDIER enters and runs off. DOMINA enters, disguised as virgin, removes veil from her face, addresses audience)
DOMINA: If it’s a pretty face he wants . . .
(PSEUDOLUS enters behind her, gives her a swift kick. She screams. He exits, LYCUS enters)
How dare you!
(She slaps LYCUS)
SOLDIER (Offstage): Here she is! Men, the virgin!
(SOLDIER runs on, chases DOMINA and LYCUS off. EUNUCH esters with PANACEA and TINTINABULA, pushes them into LYCUS’s house. He exits, chattering. MILES enters, as DOMINA re-enters)
MILES: My virgin!
DOMINA: Sir, I am not anybody’s virgin!
MILES: You made that more than clear when last we met!
(He runs off. HYSTERIUM runs on, behind DOMINA)
HYSTERIUM: The cause of it all!
(Kicks DOMINA in the rear, she screams, he hides behind pillar, as LYCUS runs on)
DOMINA: You, again!
(Swings at LYCUS, misses, chases him off. HYSTERIUM runs to LYCUS’s house)
HYSTERIUM: I have to get out of these clothes!
(SENEX enters from ERRONIUS’s house)
SENEX: No, no, my dear. Wrong house.
(Chases HYSTERIUM around his house)
HYSTERIUM (As he comes around the first time): Leave me alone!
SENEX (Following him on the run): Ah, you’re beautiful when you’re angry!
(HERO appears on balcony of SENEX’s house)
HERO (Calls): Philia! Philia!
(Exits into house. HYSTERIUM re-appears from behind SENEX’s house)
HYSTERIUM: Second time around!
(Exits into SENEX’s house. PSEUDOLUS runs on, chased by SOLDIERS. PSEUDOLUS leads them among the pillars, swings doors open, knocks two of them out and into the wings, trips THIRD SOLDIER who falls, PSEUDOLUS runs to him, takes contract from his belt. HERO appears on bal cony)
HERO: All is lost?
PSEUDOLUS: All is won! The contract! — This is what you must do —
(HERO exits into house, as MILES runs on, sword drawn. PSEUDOLUS cowers)
MILES: You die!
(LYCUS runs on)
The leper!
LYCUS: Unclean! Unclean!
(MILES and PSEUDOLUS run off in opposite directions. LYCUS runs off. SENEX appears on roof of his house, coos)
SENEX: I know you’re up here somewhere, my dear. Philia!
Philia!
(He disappears from roof as PHILIA enters from behind SENEX’s house)
PHILIA: I thought I heard someone call my name.
(Exits into SENEX’s house. Two EUNUCHS enter carrying GEMINAE. All exit into LYCUS’s house. DOMINA enters, hides behind pillar as PSEUDOLUS, disguised as EUNUCH, enters, chattering, leading GYMNASIA, exits with her into LYCUS’s house)
DOMINA: That is where my husband is!
(Knocks on LYCUS’s door)
I know what goes on in there!
(PSEUDOLUS appears in upper window of LYCUS’s house)
PSEUDOLUS: Who doesn’t?
(DOMINA goes to SENEX’s house, cautiously looks around. Unseen by her, HYSTERIUM enters from same house, looks around, then PHILIA also enters from house, looking about. They just miss seeing each other as they go in and out of house. Suddenly they see one another, scream and run behind SENEX’s house. PSEUDOLUS enters from LYCUS’s house, runs to SENEX’s house, opens door. As PHILIA runs on from behind house, he pushes her through the doorway. As HYSTERIUM passes, PSEUDOLUS kicks him and HYSTERIUM tumbles into ERRONIUS’s house. DOMINA chases after HYSTERIUM. She is followed by SENEX who catches her at ERRONIUS’s door, pushes her in)
SENEX (Triumphantly): At last!
(HERO re-appears on balcony)
PSEUDOLUS: Hero! The contract!
(Throws contract to him)
To the harbor!
HERO: What will happen to you?
PSEUDOLUS: Nothing. Here is what I will do. I shall cause a diversion. Then I shall drink a potion which will make me appear as if dead.
Four by Sondheim Page 8