TOBIAS:
Ladies and gentlemen,
May I have your attention, perlease?
Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well
At that delicate, luscious ambrosial smell?
Yes they are, I can tell.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
That aroma enriching the breeze
Is like nothing compared to its succulent source,
As the gourmets among you will tell you, of course.
Ladies and gentlemen,
You can’t imagine the rapture in store —
(Indicating the shop)
Just inside of this door!
(Beating his usual drum)
There you’ll sample
Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies,
Savory and sweet pies,
As you’ll see.
You who eat pies,
Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies
Conjure up the treat pies
Used to be!
(TOBIAS and customers sing, overlapping)
1ST MAN:
Over here, boy, how about some ale?
2ND MAN:
Let me have another, laddie!
1ST WOMAN:
Tell me, are they flavorsome?
2ND WOMAN:
They are.
3RD WOMAN:
Isn’t this delicious?
TOBIAS (To 2ND MAN):
Right away.
4TH MAN:
Could we have some service over here, boy?
4TH WOMAN:
Could we have some service, waiter?
3RD MAN:
Could we have some service?
2ND and 3RD WOMAN:
Yes, they are.
1ST MAN:
God, that’s good!
2ND MAN:
What about that pie, boy?
1ST WOMAN:
Tell me, are they spicy?
2ND WOMAN:
God, that’s good!
5TH WOMAN:
How much are you charging?
TOBIAS:
Thruppence.
3RD WOMAN:
Yes, what about the pie, boy?
4TH WOMAN:
I never tasted anything so ...
1ST and 5TH WOMAN:
Thruppence?
5TH MAN:
Thruppence for a meat pie?
1ST and 2ND MAN:
Where’s the ale I asked you for, boy?
TOBIAS:
Ladies and gentlemen — !
MRS. LOVETT (Ringing a bell to attract TOBIAS’s attention) Toby!
(She starts into the garden with a tray of pies)
TOBIAS:
Coming!
(To a customer)
’Scuse me ...
MRS. LOVETT (Indicating a beckoning customer) :
Ale there!
TOBIAS:
Right, mum!
(He runs inside, picks up a jug of ale, whisks back out into the garden and starts filling tankards)
MRS. LOVETT:
Quick, now!
CUSTOMERS (Licking their fingers):
God, that’s good!
MRS. LOVETT (A bundle of activity, serving pies, collecting money, giving orders, addressing each of the patrons individually and with equal insincerity):
Nice to see you, dearie ...
How have you been keeping? ...
Cor, me bones is weary!
Toby—!
(Indicating a customer)
One for the gentleman ...
Hear the birdies cheeping —
Helps to keep it cheery ...
(Spying the BEGGAR WOMAN)
Toby!
Throw the old woman out!
CUSTOMERS:
God, that’s good!
(TOBIAS shoos the BEGGAR WOMAN away, but she soon comes back, sniffing)
MRS. LOVETT (To other customers, without breaking rhythm):
What’s your pleasure, dearie? ...
No, we don’t cut slices ...
Cor, me eyes is bleary! ...
(As TOBIAS is about to pour for a plastered customer)
Toby!
None for the gentleman! ...
I could up me prices —
I’m a little leery ...
Business
Couldn’t be better, though —
CUSTOMERS:
God, that’s good!
MRS. LOVETT:
Knock on wood.
(She does)
TODD (Leaning out of window):
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (To a customer):
Excuse me ...
TODD:
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (To TOBIAS):
Dear, see to the customers.
TODD:
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (Moving toward him):
Yes, what, love?
Quick, though, the trade is brisk.
TODD:
But it’s six o’clock!
MRS. LOVETT:
So it’s six o’clock.
TODD:
It was due to arrive
At a quarter to five —
MRS. LOVETT: TODD:
And it’s probably already And it’s six o’clock!
Down the block!
It’ll be here, it’ll be here! I’ve been waiting all day!
Have a beaker of beer
And stop worrying, dear. But it should have been here
Now, now ... By now!
CUSTOMERS:
More hot pies!
MRS. LOVETT (Looking back, agitated at being pulled in two directions ):
Gawd.
(To TODD, moving back to the garden)
Will you wait there, TODD:
Coolly, You’ll come back
’Cos my customers truly When it comes?
Are getting unruly.
(Circulating again in the garden)
And what’s your pleasure, dearie?
(Spilling ale)
Oops! I beg your pardon!
Just me hands is smeary —
(Spotting a would-be freeloader)
Toby!
Run for the gentleman!
(TOBIAS catches him, collects the money; MRS. LOVETT turns to another customer)
Don’t you love a garden?
Always makes me teary.
(Looking back at the freeloader)
Must be one of them foreigners —
CUSTOMERS:
God, that’s good that is delicious!
(During the following a huge crate appears high on a crane and moves slowly downstage to the tonsorial parlor. TODD sees it)
MRS. LOVETT:
What’s my secret?
(To a woman)
Frankly, dear — forgive my candor —
Family secret,
All to do with herbs.
Things like being
Careful with your coriander,
That’s what makes the gravy grander — !
CUSTOMERS:
More hot pies!
(MRS. LOVETT hastens into the shop and loads the tray again)
More hot!
More pies!
TODD (Out the window):
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (To a customer in the shop):
Excuse me ...
TODD:
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (To TOBIAS):
Dear, see to the customers.
TODD:
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT:
Yes, what, love?
Quick, though, the trade is brisk.
TODD:
But it’s here!
MRS. LOVETT:
It’s where?
TODD:
Coming up the stair!
MRS. LOVETT:
(Holding up the tray)
I’ll get rid of this lot
As they’re still pretty hot TODD:
And then I’ll be there! It’s about to be opened
Or don’t you care?
&
nbsp; No, I’ll be there!
I will be there! But we have to prepare!
But they’ll never be sold
If I let ’em get cold —
(During the following, the crate is lowered to the tonsorial parlor)
MRS. LOVETT (Without pausing for breath, smiling to a customer):
Oh, and
Incidentally, dearie,
You know Mrs. Mooney.
Sales’ve been so dreary —
(Spots the BEGGAR WOMAN again)
Toby —!
(To the same customer)
Poor thing is penniless.
(Indicating BEGGAR WOMAN, to TOBIAS)
What about that loony?
(To the same customer, as TOBIAS shoos the BEGGAR WOMAN away again)
Lookin’ sort of beery —
Oh well, got her comeuppance —
(Hawklike, to a rising customer)
And that’ll be thruppence — and
CUSTOMERS:
(Singing with mouths full) MRS. LOVETT:
God, that’s good that is de have you So she should.
Licious ever tasted smell such
Oh my God what more that’s pies good!
(MRS. LOVETT goes up to the tonsorial parlor, entering as TODD opens the crate, revealing an elaborate barber chair)
TODD and MRS. LOVETT (Swooning with admiration): Oooohhhh! Oooohhhh!
(The empty crate swings away on the crane)
TODD:
Is that a chair fit for a king, MRS. LOVETT:
A wondrous neat
And most particular chair? It’s gorgeous!
It’s gorgeous!
You tell me where
Is there a seat
Can half compare
With this particular thing! It’s perfect!
It’s gorgeous!
I have a few
Minor adjustments
To make — You make your few
Minor adjustments.
They’ll take
A moment.
I’ll call you ... You take your time,
I’ll go see to the customers.
TODD (Looking at the chair, as MRS. LOVETT goes back to the garden):
I have another friend ...
TOBIAS:
(To the customers) MRS. LOVETT:
Is that a pie fit for a king, It’s gorgeous!
A wondrous sweet It’s gorgeous!
And most delectable thing?
You see, ma’am, why
There is no meat
Pie can compete It’s perfect!
With this delectable Pie. It’s gorgeous!
CUSTOMERS (Simultaneously with above):
Yum!
Yum!
Yum!
TOBIAS and MRS. LOVETT:
The crust all velvety and wavy,
That glaze, those crimps ...
And then, the thick, succulent gravy ...
One whiff, one glimpse ...
CUSTOMERS (Simultaneously with above):
Yum! Yum!
Yum! Yum!
Yum! Yum!
Yum! Yum!
TODD:
And now to test
This best of barber chairs ...
MRS. LOVETT:
So rich, TOBIAS:
So thick So tender
It makes you sick ... That you surrender ...
CUSTOMERS (Simultaneously with above):
Yum!
Yum!
Yum! Yum!
TODD:
It’s time ...
It’s time ...
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (To the customers):
Excuse me ...
TODD (From above):
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (To TOBIAS):
Dear, see to the customers.
TODD:
Psst!
MRS. LOVETT (Moving toward him):
Yes, what, love?
TODD:
Quick, now!
MRS. LOVETT:
Me heart’s aflutter — !
TODD:
When I pound the floor, MRS. LOVETT:
It’s a signal to show When you pound the floor,
That I’m ready to go, Yes, you told me, I know,
When I pound the floor! You’ll be ready to go
When you pound the floor —
Will you trust me?
I just want to be sure. Will you trust me?
I’ll be waiting below
When I’m certain that you’re For the whistle to blow ... In place —
TODD:
I’ll pound three times.
(He demonstrates on the frame of the window)
Three times.
(He does it again; she nods impatiently)
And then you —
(She knocks at the air two times)
Three times —
(She knocks heavily and wearily on the wall)
If you —
(She knocks again, rolling her eyes skyward)
Exactly.
CUSTOMERS:
More hot pies!
MRS. LOVETT:
Gawd!
CUSTOMERS:
More hot!
MRS. LOVETT (Over her shoulder to them):
Right!
CUSTOMERS:
More pies!
TODD (Seeing her attention waver):
Psst!
CUSTOMERS:
More!
MRS. LOVETT:
Wait!
(She runs into the bakehouse, which we see for the first time. Upstage are the large baking ovens. Downstage is a butcher’s-block table, on which stands a bizarre meat-grinding machine. In the wall is the mouth of a chute leading down from the tonsorial parlor. Upstage is a trap door leading down to an invisible cellar. While music continues under, TODD takes a stack of books tied together, puts it in the chair, then pounds three times on the floor. MRS. LOVETT responds by knocking three times on the mouth of the chute. TODD pulls a lever in the arm of the chair. The chair becomes a slide and the books disappear through a trap. Music. The books reappear from the hole in the bakehouse wall and plop on the floor. The chair resumes its normal position. MRS. LOVETT knocks three times excitedly on the chute; TODD responds by pounding on the floor three times)
CUSTOMERS:
More hot pies!
(MRS. LOVETT hurries out of the bakehouse)
More hot! More pies!
(TODD resumes tinkering happily with the chair)
More! Hot! Pies!
MRS. LOVETT and TOBIAS (To the customers):
Eat them slow and
Feel the crust, how thin I (she) rolled it!
Eat them slow, ‘cos
Every one’s a prize!
Eat them slow, ’cos
That’s the lot and now we’ve sold it!
(She hangs up a “Sold Out” sign)
Come again tomorrow — !
MRS. LOVETT (Spotting something along the street):
Hold it —
CUSTOMERS:
More hot pies!
MRS. LOVETT:
Bless my eyes — !
(For she sees the MAN WITH CAP, from Act I, approching the barber sign. He looks up and rings TODD’s bell — three times)
Fresh supplies!
(TODD leans out, sees the man, beckons him up; the man starts up the steps. TODD holds his razor. They both freeze. MRS. LOVETT takes down the “Sold Out” sign and turns back to the customers)
MRS. LOVETT: TOBIAS:
How about it, dearie? Is that a pie
Be here in a twinkling! Fit for a king,
Just confirms my theory — A wondrous sweet
Toby — ! And most delectable
God watches over us. Thing?
Didn’t have an inkling ... You see, ma’am, why
Positively eerie ... There is no meat pie —
CUSTOMERS (Simultaneously with above):
Yum!
Yum!
Yum!
&nb
sp; Yum! Yum!
Yum!
Yum!
MRS. LOVETT (Spotting the BEGGAR WOMAN again):
Toby!
Throw the old woman out!
(As TOBIAS leads the BEGGAR WOMAN off again, MRS. LOVETT runs back to the pieshop)
CUSTOMERS (Starting with their mouths full, gradually swallowing and singing clearly):
God, that’s good that is de have you
Licious ever tasted smell such
Oh my God what perfect more that’s
Pies such flavor
(MRS. LOVETT relaxes in the pieshop with a mug of ale)
God, that’s good!!!
(The scene blacks out. The chimes of St. Dunstan’s sound softly. It is dawn. ANTHONY is searching the streets of London for JOHANNA)
ANTHONY (Sings):
I feel you, Johanna,
I feel you.
Do they think that walls can hide you?
Even now I’m at your window.
I am in the dark beside you,
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair,
Four by Sondheim Page 32