“Well, I figured that this would be kind of a stacking lesson. I’m also well aware of how friends bring a lot to your life.” I thought about X. If I ended up staying here, in my current life, I was going to move. Be closer to my friend. There was no reason not to be, particularly if I wasn’t involved with anyone in this area. I’d only kept away from him because I was so hung up on what a piece of shit I was and hiding myself away from the world. None of that had to be permanent, and I had no intentions of allowing it to be. Not now.
He smiled. “It wasn’t planned that way, but that’s the way it has played out. No sense in having a wish that allows you to redo parts of life if it doesn’t give you the benefit of life experience since then.”
“All right, but that doesn’t explain what it is you think I am missing here.”
“I’ll give you two days like I did before to think about what you might be missing, and where you want to go next. You’re close, very close, Tabitha.” He disappeared in his trademark poof of glitter.
Dammit. I didn’t have a clue. I got up, and went about my morning routine, ending with me in the kitchen sipping tea and mulling over my conversation with Dhameer.
What did he mean? Sex was…well, sex was sex. It could be fantastic, sure. Rick was amazing, everything I had ever looked for in a sexual partner. Everything I spent, oh, the next ten years of my life looking for. As wonderful as Seth was, there was something with Rick that was all his. There was also the fact that Dhameer whisked me away before I actually got to try out sex with Seth. I didn’t think I was going to get over my bitterness on missing out on that anytime soon.
So what was the deal with sex? Wait. I could be so dense sometimes. I had to literally shake my head and clear it. I went to the counter to grab my pad and a pencil to write things down so I could see this as I worked through it.
I wrote Lessons at the top of the paper.
Then, I wrote down Wish #1. I wanted to go through this one at a time
I didn’t have to be a victim. Was able to shut Dave down before he even really got started.
It was okay to slap down those who would hurt you.
It was okay to take a risk.
All right. That was down. What about with my recent do-over?
Wish #2
I had initially thought I should have called Seth. That was my instinct, and my instinct was right.
I was also right that I had hung onto Tim for longer than I should have.
Don’t settle just because it’s comfortable
Don’t be afraid. See #3 above.
Okay, so I had learned that I could demand better treatment from others, and that I needed to listen to my instinct. That still didn’t explain why I hit a crossroad when Seth and I had gotten naked and been heavily into one another and just about to do the deed. Which had been interrupted by my being yanked back to Tibby-Land.
I looked at my list again, tapping my pencil on the pad. It was here, I could feel it. I tapped a bit more, thinking over each point. Then it hit me.
Sex with Rick had been amazing. It was what I’d been looking for ever since, even though in this life, we’d never had sex. It was one of the things I was really missing, the intimacy and connection with another person. He saw me naked in all ways, and still thought I was wonderful. So if agreeing to have sex with Seth was a crossroad, it must mean that it would also be amazing. The lesson in this was that to have sex with someone that loved you was a revelation, a wonder. It had been a revelation with Rick. It pissed me off even more that I had gotten to roll around with Seth a little, gotten to see and touch him, and not actually take things to their conclusion.
So if sex with him was a crossroad, what would have happened? Would I have been with this man forever? Would that have solidified my future with him? Or, would things have faded but I would have been better for knowing him? It was a big what if. I couldn’t tell which way things would have gone. That was something I hadn’t considered.
Regardless, I had to believe that sleeping with Seth would have brought long term changes, one way or another. Maybe finally being with someone sexually the way I wanted would have shifted the way I dealt with men from there on out. Hmmm. That was definitely something to ponder.
I looked back at my list. I could add onto #2.
Sex should be something special, to be shared with someone you value who values you as well.
Value your friends—more than anything, no matter how great the guy seems.
How could I have forgotten that? I hadn’t gone down the road of losing my close girlfriend. Even though X was my friend throughout, during that time, he’d been working hard to make a name for himself. I’d had to turn to my girlfriends more. I’d actually had to put effort into making some. But when I’d gone off the rails and started trying to heal myself with physical intimacy, it had turned my girlfriends away from me.
It literally felt like a lightbulb had gone off in my head. I almost couldn’t put the thoughts together.
The only way to heal and move forward comes from within.
That was what I was missing now. I wasn’t allowing myself to heal. Years of fending off the crap my parents handed us via their drinking, and my own insecurities based on shitty guys being awful to me—I’d lost all sense of how to help or heal myself.
The only way I could heal myself was from within. That meant—and I didn’t like this bit—that my lack of healing, my living like a hermit—that was all on me. My brothers and sisters reached out, and I ignored them. My parents tried, but were met with anger and they eventually retreated. I had no girlfriends. I kept Xavier, who knew me and loved me anyway, at arms’ distance.
That meant that this was all on me. The thought of all I’d suffered at my own hands fell on me like a dark cloud. First no sex, and then seeing that all your misery, all your shit—was all your fault. I felt like downing a case of wine.
But then I realized something. That also meant I could fix and change things. I had already decided that I wasn’t going to ignore the lessons I’d learned so far, no matter where I ended up. I could take this a step further and actually make my life better. Not just get along, staying alone and under the radar of everyone. I sighed. No wine this evening.
I wondered what life would have been like had I not been searching for something all those years. If I had felt fulfilled. I remembered telling Rick I wanted to go to law school, and I told Seth that I was interested in law school. I eventually did go to law school, but my own stupidity put me in a place where I didn’t feel able to finish. Which really sucked, because by the time I had gotten to law school, I was really excited about it.
I thought about that time. I had come onto campus knowing no one. I got settled in my room but hid out for the next two days. The first day of school brought a big wave of relief for me as I headed for my first class. I sat in that room full of what seemed like hundreds of others, and was nervous. The guy sitting next to me noticed and picked my pen up from where I had dropped it next to him for the third or fourth time.
“Hey, you need a leash for this or something,” he said as he handed it back to me.
I gave him a wan smile. He was good looking and had kind eyes. “Thanks,” I said. “I guess I am just a little antsy today.”
“I get it. It’s almost hard to believe you’re here, isn’t it?”
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be insulted. I decided not to be offended as I hadn’t had any friendly interactions as of yet and didn’t want my first interaction with a fellow student to go badly.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I studied my ass off for the LSAT and waited to see where I could get in, and then I finally got my acceptance here, and then suddenly, here I am in my first class, catching pens being thrown at me.” He ended with a smile.
I was glad I hadn’t taken offense.
“Yeah, I was so busy worrying about getting in and getting aid, I didn’t even think about actually g
etting here until I was here. I’m Tibby, Tibby Holloway, by the way. Sorry I keep tossing my pen at you.”
“Bryant Higgs. It’s okay. Is Tibby short for something?”
“Why, is it that bad of a name?” I asked.
He laughed. “No, not at all. I just wondered. You don’t really look like an Ey.”
“A what?”
“An Ey. You know, WhitnEY, CarEY, BritnEY, LaurIE, BuffY, the EYs.”
Now I had to laugh. “No, I am not really an EY, I don’t think. It’s short for Tabitha.”
“I like that, Tabitha. Wasn’t that the name of the kid on Bewitched?”
“I think so? I’m not sure. I think you’re kind of dating yourself there. Wasn’t that a show in the 70s? You don’t look that old.”
“Gee, thanks, Tibby. You really know how to flatter a person.”
“Well, is that your era or not?”
He gave me a look worthy of the snottiest girl in my high school. He even held it for a moment, and we both burst out laughing. It was the start of a tight friendship.
Bryant and I were friends all through law school. Contrary to popular belief, we were not romantically involved. Our third year, we interned over the holiday break together at one of the larger law firms in our area. That was when—
That was it. That was when I wanted to head back to. To the internship, to the annual holiday party for the firm. That was a friggen’ crossroad if there ever was one. I hadn’t spoken to Bryant since that night. I felt like had I made different choices that night, my life would have been different. I know it would have. This was one place where I could heal. That time in my life, more than anything else, had shaped the past four years. Had sent me hiding under a rock, not wanting to actually come out and live.
Unlike my other wishes, I wasn’t sure this one was a romantic one. It could be, but I wasn’t sure. Bryant and I had never gone to that place. Would we now? What I was really interested in was what happened to prompt this wish for this time in my life.
I felt like I had done all I needed to do today. I had gone over my lessons learned, and via that, figured out what I wanted to do next. That gave me another day to mull over Seth and how things had gone before I had been so rudely yanked from what would have turned out to be a truly enjoyable time. Dammit. I was still smarting over not being able to consummate things with him. I was also dying of curiosity about how actually having sex could be a crossroad. Did it mean that I would make a decision about staying with sex based on whether the sex was good? I couldn’t tell what that said about me. Maybe it was another lesson about being good to myself and getting what I deserved rather than the settling I did throughout my twenties. I wondered whether or not Dhameer would answer any of this or would I have to wait until the end.
While I was frustrated with all the extra questions these wishes were generating, I had to admit it was exciting. When did you ever get the chance to hit your wishful thinkings as the older, and hopefully wiser, you? I knew it was going to be painful and truly sucky at the end of this, just based on what I had felt with Rick and what I could feel was coming thinking about my time with Seth. Still, I was glad that I was getting the chance. I hoped Dhameer heard that, wherever he was, floating around in the ether or whatever it was that he did.
Since I had done the hard work of self-awareness and made the decision on where I wanted to go next, I felt free to go and lounge on the sofa and think about Seth. What might have come after being truly intimate with him? It had been fun traipsing around campus with him. As Seth had predicted several times, Tim had behaved like the tool that he was. Having a handsome and articulate man to squire me around the weekend after we broke up had helped to keep the vitriol from Tim at bay. He’d lied and talked all kinds of shit, but I was able to rise above it and mention cheating and lying while wishing him well to any mutual friends who asked about our breakup. It put the focus on him rather than me, the way he’d managed to before.
I was surprised that I even had to deal with this. Tim was cheating and when it was discovered, he lost his girlfriend. Makes sense, follows a normal standard of what one might expect. He, however, was all sorts of outraged. He was quite vocal in his outrage, as well. I didn’t get it. One more assurance that I was well shot of Tim and all his gyrations.
Seth. I missed him. I hadn’t had a year and a half to spend with him like I did with Rick. I didn’t have a history with him like I did with Rick. The level and depth that I had with Rick was astounding, especially considering our ages. Even though I knew I was really older than Rick, it was still astounding. It told me that there was something very deep and meaningful in my relationship with him. In spite of the newness of being with Seth, and the somewhat questionable morals I had exercised with moving from a serious relationship to a new one where nakedness was involved within a month or so, I couldn’t deny what Rick and I had.
Seth complicated that. I had picked meeting him for my second wish because I had felt a sense of regret that I hadn’t called him. Particularly as I knew that I had been holding onto loyalty to a relationship that was one-sided. Hindsight, and all that. It had been everything I had expected. He was just plain hot, and he curled my toes in a way I hadn’t expected. His hotness was the whole package. He made me laugh, he didn’t shrink from arguing with me. He liked me. Appreciated me. Expected the best of me, and gave the best of himself. Coming off the heels of being with Rick, I hadn’t had any major expectations, but Seth had surpassed them. He was a strong and driven person. He made it clear he wanted to be with me. He was truly a wonderful man.
This was going to drive me to distraction. I had to close the door on Seth also, just like I had done with Rick when I moved onto Seth. I needed to give this third wish my all just like I had done for the first two. Since the first two had resulted in some positive outcomes that I had not expected, as hard as it was, I needed to give do-over three the same chance. I was now missing two different men, two different relationships, and it was going to be hard. I needed to do this, though. I wasn’t sure which direction this last wish would head, but I felt like it was a major turning point for me. No, I knew it was. I also wanted to see what it was that I had cheated myself out of.
In looking back, I could see so many places where I had been so dumb! I allowed myself to be burdened with emotions that I really didn’t need to burden myself with, which led to relationship choices that affected my entire life. I made choices based on hormones rather than on reason, and it affected my potential to have the career and life that I wanted.
When I had agreed to do this, I didn’t expect what a journey of the self this would become. This seemed to go along with the whole premise of what genies were all about. Give you what you wanted, and that meant all the baggage that came with what you wanted. Good and bad, you got it all.
While I felt that perhaps Dhameer had not been as forthcoming with all the caveats that came with his offer, I was glad of it. I realized, with a shock, that even if I ended up with none of my wishes, I would be living my life differently from now on. I didn’t need to keep myself hiding away just because I had behaved badly in the past. For the past couple of years, I had kept to myself, attempted to make amends to those I had hurt, minded my own business, and done nothing to anyone else. If someone wished to hold a grudge, well, in some cases, I could completely understand. I had not always behaved in an honorable or even nice fashion. It was the right of those hurt to feel however they wished.
I had attempted to make amends. That those amends were rejected was not on me. I realized that now. For that, I was grateful. Staying here was not going to be the same after this was said and done. I was going to change my life, and lead the life I wanted to without guilt or regret. What that meant specifically, I didn’t know. I had some ideas, but I wanted to see what happened next before I made a concrete decision. My perspective had changed so much just from these two do-overs. I was excited to see what the next one might bring.
It could be something really bad, the
little nagging voice that was Debbie Doom in my head said. I didn’t care at this point. I wanted to share this with Dhameer also. I was sure he kind of knew, being a knowing sort. I was going to tell him anyway.
I looked up and realized it was mid-afternoon, and I hadn’t had much to eat. I got up and fixed myself something. Once done, I tidied the kitchen and took a glass and a bottle of wine up to my room. Not trying to fall back into my boozy ways, I just wanted to drink something comforting and think about the man I had left behind.
I wondered, as I had with Rick, what Seth remembered when he woke up this morning. What was his life like, would remembering me even be all that important? The thought that it wasn’t made me tear up a little. I made a mental note to ask Dhameer if, once the final call was made, could he tell me how the choices not taken had ended up. I wanted to know that they were okay, that their lives had still gone onto be something good, and they were living happy lives. That if they had any regrets or doubts, that something could be tossed their way to ease any feelings.
I had a lot to talk about with Dhameer tomorrow. Tonight, something mindless, and perhaps a little soppy, on TV. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Seth
He shook himself awake. Had he actually fallen asleep at work? That shit needed to stop ASAP. It’s what got people killed.
He wasn’t at work. He’d been dreaming of back when he was still at the Academy. What was it?
Tibby. He’d been thinking about Tibby. The one who…well, he didn’t want to think about it. He hadn’t gotten what he wanted, and he’d gone on. He’d thought he might, but he’d been wrong. Way wrong. A year later, he’d asked Will about her, as Will had dated and then married her friend, Danni. Danni said that Tibby broke up with whatever guy she’d been dating and then gotten crazy. He’d gotten the impression that Danni and Tibby had fought, although Danni didn’t really say anything bad.
Three Wishes: Time Traveler Romance (Heart Of The Djinn Book 1) Page 13